The Dying Breed @awkwardfag-blog - Tumblr Blog

First

A month ago, I was sitting in the gymnasium while watching a birthday celebration when I received the text message that shocked my life.

I didn't expect it at all because I thought that he was fine and he was recovering. I didn't know what really happened that time because I was panicking really bad, I was freaking out. I was crying all my emotions out. I was like really numb that time. He left me. He left me with nothing. He left me with a broken heart. He left me all alone. He's gone.

I went to the hospital really fast because I can't handle my emotions anymore and I just want to see him. I just want to hug him. I just want to tell him that I love him. I just want to kiss him. I just want to say sorry.

The moment that I saw him, that's the most heart breaking moment ever. I just lost my life. I lost everything. All the memories and happy moments, are sinking in my mind. Seventeen years is not enough. This is not happening.

At first, to tell you that truth, I was crying all the time because he's gone. I told myself that he left me for a reason. Well I guess that reason is really huge and I can't handle it anymore. I also told myself that he's everywhere and he's watching me 24/7. But sadly, I can't see him anymore.

To be honest with you, I don't even know how to survive with out him. He's my everything and he's my life. I'm trying to survive my daily life with out him even though it's really hard and depressing. I need to fight. I need to fight for my life. I need to finish this battle, because you want me to. I'll be strong. I promise.

I just miss him really bad. I miss your everything. I miss you so much and I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I just want to see you again. I just want to hug you again. I want to sleep next to you again. I want you to sing me to sleep again. I want you to cook for me again. I want you to hear your voice, your lame jokes and your weird laugh again.

Remember when I told you that "I love you", you said "I love you also". You we're smiling that time and I never see you smiled like that before. I was laughing really hard because you're so cute. But now I'm crying with happiness and pain because you never stop loving me ever since. And I'm really thankful with that. I'm glad that you were there for me. Unfortunately I didn't took the time to thank you from the bottom of my heart. And I'm really sorry for that.

I swore to you and to God that I will be strong as long you will help. I will never forget you and I love you always. You will always be my Yeye. Forever.

Feel better, Jase! Don't ever give up, I know tough times will come but that's life. You'll get through this and your Yeye's probably up there right now! :) *virtual hug*

I just saw this. I'm really sorry for the late reply. I'm too busy fixing my life. But thank you so much. Hugs.

Things to blog:

Yeye's gone

Family problems

How I hate this fucking family

Now I'm all alone

I miss my Yeye so fucking much

I want to give up but I can't

My friends are not supportive at all

I just want to be happy

Rest in Peace Yeye. I will miss you and I love you so much. Ayoko mag "goodbye" kasi forever ka nandito sa puso ko. Hinding hindi kita makakalimutan. I love you so much. April 11 1931-February 5 2013

How I wish 😔....

Not again

It's our graduation photo shoot and my self-esteem is killing me.

I just hate everything about me. I mean everything sucks. Not to mention, I'm so ugly and my body is disgusting. Sucks to be me because I'm anorexic. I don't have nice hair, awesome clothes, and a flawless face. My life sucks big freaking time.

I'm trying not to starve anymore and I'm trying to eat more and more food because I just want to gain 30 fucking pounds or 20 at least. I just don't want to be skinny anymore. This is so fucking depressing.

Some of my classmates are mocking/teasing me because I'm too skinny and I don't have nice hair blah blah. It's really degrading. LIKE SERIOUSLY. I will gain fucking 30 pounds, I will fix my fucking hair, I will work hard to buy nice clothes and nice stuff. I will fix everything about myself and you will eat my dirt. YOU. WILL. REGRET.IT.

Sorry for posting nonsense post about myself again. Good night!

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

Uh hey! I gained a lot of weight this past few weeks. And that's a great news because I'm trying to eat more food everyday. I gained like 6 kilos. I'm so happy because I gain weight in less than a month. Can I gain 20 pounds more? I'm going to eat more healthy foods and I'll try to eat breakfast everyday.

We're having our year book photo shoot next week and I still can't decide what should I wear.... Uhm maybe band merch na lang since I'm portraying a concert goer. And then I'll wear my M&G id's. Hahaha. I'm so excited. I still don't know what to wear to our Prom. I mean this night is so special okay!!!!!! I need to look descent just for once.

Ugh I can't believe I'm missing a free concert right now and ugh it's Parokya Ni Edgar. My feels for this band ugh.

I want to watch Les but we're so broke right now and our hospital bill is around P100k and we're having HUGE financial problem right now.

On the bright side. I'm trying to be positive after all. Earlier this morning, they removed the tube already because my Yeye can breathe with out it na. But after a few hours, nilagyan ulit nila because my Yeye is having a really hard time to breathe. The doctors said that he's depending on the tube thingy. And I'm pretty sure it's getting worst. But like I said, I'm trying to be positive and strong.

#WHORELIFE #whoretext

Quality time with them.

I miss you. I miss you so bad. I miss your voice. I miss you face. I miss your hair and I miss your everything.

It's almost a week but you're still in the ICU. I know it's really hard but I want you to be strong. I know you will be strong for me. Please hold on. Yeye promise me you will be strong and you will be okay soon, okay? I need you so freaking badly and I love you so much.

I miss going out with you. I miss having lunch with you. I miss the old days. I miss my childhood. I miss you. I miss waking up right next to you. I'm sleeping for almost a week with out you next to me and it's really depressing. Crying every night because I'm scared to death. I miss your "Good Morning! Wake up baby boy you will be late" and your "I love you two three four five....". I miss your childhood stories, your growing up stories. I miss your smile. Your laugh. Your voice. I want to hear your voice and laugh again. I want to hear your lame joke and your weird laugh. I want to laugh with you again. I want you to be okay and I want you to tell me that you love and you will never leave me. I want you to promise me that. Please be okay, please come back. I want you to be okay again. Please be okay. Please get well soon.

I want to make kwento that I'm having a hard time with out you. I'm having a hard time with school, with friends and money. I'm really depressed because I don't know how to handle it anymore. I'm out of control and I'm just worried okay. I can't help it anymore. Can you please come back and help me out? Alam mo ikaw lang ang kakampi ko Yeye and alam ko din na ako lang ang kakampi mo. Ikaw na nga lang kakampi ko tapos ganyan pa? Ayos naman Yeye! Mag pakatatag ka naman! Kala ko ba aattend ka pa ng graduation ko? Kala ko ba gusto mong makita makamit ko mga pangarap ko? Gusto ko sabay natin aabutin yun. Tapos susuklian ko lahat lahat ng sakripisyo na ginawa mo para sakin. Konting hintay na lang. Di ko pa talaga kaya eh Yeye. Alam kong mahirap, nakakapagod. Pero sana kahit papano mag pakatatag ka. Para sakin man lang Yeye. Mahal na mahal kita Yeye at takot na tako ako mawala ka. Alam mo naman ikaw lang kakampi ko ever since diba? Alam mo naman na ikaw lang nag mamahal sakin diba? Tapos ganun pa? Yeye wag naman ganun. Di ko alam gagawin ko eh. Hindi ko alam kung pano ko sisimulan. Di ko alam. Sana mag pakatatag ka. Sana um-okay na ang lahat ang bumalik na sa normal. Sana gumaling ka na. Miss na miss na kita Yeye kung alam mo lang. Ang hirap talaga pag wala ka. Napaka. Sana mag pakatatag ka. Magpapakatatag din ako. Para sayo, pero miss na miss na talaga kita Yeye.

#whoretext #whorelife #whoreproblems #whorejase #grand father #yeye

What kind of school is this?

First day of examinations. I'm not feeling well because; 1) My Yeye is still in the ICU because he's really sick 2)Slept for two hours 3)I didn't review. I woke up around 11:00AM. I was kinda late, our call time is 12PM. I was really hungry because I was so tired and fucked up. So I ate lunch at home because it's my favorite dish and I can't say "NO" because I love "Sinigang na Hipon"!!!

I arrived at school around 12:15PM. I was late and they're starting na. Our proctor is our school discipline. He's really strict? What do you expect? I entered the room quietly. And he was like "Ang kapal talaga ng mukha mo eh no?!!" I was about to say sorry but he's like freaking mad because I was late. "Hapon na nga late pa din!!!" "Eh Sir nasa ICU po kasi--" "AH pumunta ka dun sa gilid!!!! Nasan folder mo?!?" Yes, he's not nice at all. He's a jerk.

I can't think straight so I'm pretty sure I will fail my Advance Algebra test. I just can't stop thinking about my Yeye. He's condition and my condition. I mean, what if? what will happened? You know what I mean? It's really hard to be honest. I was like really not myself at that moment. Economics time, I was really shocked because suddenly, pinag mumura na ako ng proctor namin because I was cheating daw. Tingin daw ako ng tingin sa papel ng classmate kong si Gleven. I was really in shocked talaga. As in hindi ako naka pag explain ng side ko. He was really mad about it and he was shouting all over the classroom. He said something like "Gusto nyong markahan ko na ng cheating yang mga papel nyo?" "Gago kayo!" "Ang bobo nyo!" "Wala kayong utak!" "Nag aral pa kayo?!" First of all, I'm not looking at Gleven's paper at all. I was looking on the floor. Yung para bang natutulala, daydreaming or whatever. Because I was so confused that time. Second of all. Hindi ako nandadaya. Alam ko sa sarili ko na wala akong kasalanan at hindi ako nandadaya so wag mo akong murahin. Hindi ikaw ang nag papalamon sakin at isa ka lang malaking Discipline Coordinator. At hindi ka dapat nag mumura. What kind of teacher are you? Who do you think you are? I was so pissed so I went out. I went to the back of the Grade school department and I can't control myself so I was punching the wall. My hands are bleeding and I can't feel anything. My mind is so fucked up and I'm so embarrassed. I just want to cry. Lolo ko nasa ICU, hirap na hirap yung kalagayan. We're broke. Halos wala akong tulog, walang na review dahil hindi nga ako mapakali. Tapos mumura-murahin ka kahit wala kang ginagawang masama? I mean c'mon. Give me break. Stop. My life is so fucked up and you guys need to stop. JUST STOP.

I went to the clinic because my hands are bleeding. I saw some of my classmates and they were like "Uy nabalitaan ko pinagmumura ka daw ni Gabion?" and I was like straight face and pissed face. The nurse asked me what happened I said nadapa ako. But then I told her what really happened and she said I should talk to my adviser about it but I was like no biggie. But yeah. She gave me ice for my hands. My hands are numb and I can't feel my fingers like seriously. What I hate about my friends, nakikita na nga nila akong badtrip. Pero wala pa din silang pake. But later on nag hang out naman kami and we talked about it and Good vibes all the way. Dear Sir Gabion, You're a teacher, a discipline coordinator not a dictator. Don't act like a jerk. You're a douche and you're the worst ever. "the cheater" ,

Jason Pua

#whoreschool #whoretext

REDIAL

And we're back at the hospital again. Room 308. I still don't know what happened but I'm pretty sure it's getting worse. I hope my Yeye's fine.

I woke up around 4:30AM because my Yeye was touching my face. I smiled at him and then I kissed him on the cheek. I went to bed again because it's too early and I need more time to sleep. I woke up around 5:20AM. I fixed my stuff and I asked my Lola to cook breakfast for me. I ate tons of food this morning. Omelet and garlic rice. I regret nothing. I like eating breakfast now. Because I used to skip breakfast like everyday. I only eat one pandesal everyday and a cup of coffee then I'm done.

Went to school. Obviously, I'm late. First subject was Journalism. We have to take the diagnostic test for the NAT exam thingy. I was really bored but I manage to finish my English and Filipino exam in 1 hour and 30 minutes. After that, I didn't give a single fuck. Math, Physics, Economics. Hinulaan ko lahat. Hashtag no regrets because I'm bored.

I kinda liked this day to be honest. So this girl, uhm I think I kinda like her. I think I should ignore JCLYN. Uhm because you know? Move on. Yeah. But yeah. So this girl. I kinda like her because she's so sweet and nice. She's really funny too. Plus, she's pretty too. Maybe I should try this time? I used to have a crush on her back then. But I think it's coming back now. I hope I could know her more.

Went home around 5PM. I went to bed agad because I was so tired. And then I woke up, everybody's gone. I went to the hospital and then I found out that my Yeye needs to be confine again because he can't breathe properly.

I guess I'll spend a couple of few days here again. I hate this place.

Please pray for my Yeye and his health <3

#WHORELIFE #whoretext

We All Roll Along

Well basically, I spent my weekend watching random movies. So I decided to make an entry about movies. I really love watching movies. I do watch different genres. Horror is my number one, then teen flicks/High school movies, Romance and Drama. I prefer watching international movies. I don’t hate local movies though but sometimes I just don’t appreciate it. I watch local movies sometimes. Hmmm. Not bad at all. The Reunion (2012) Well obviously, this movie is all about Friendship and Love. I really love this movie because somewhat, I can relate to them. I am not a fan of Filipino movies but this one, I just love it. I can be Enchong Dee in this movie. Because I’m such a hopeless romantic fag. My classmates used to call me “Enchong” because they said Enchong is gay. But yeah. Fuck it. He’s hot. This movie is kinda random? Yep. I’m pretty sure but yeah. I like everything. I love the storyline and the cast. Jessy’s character though. Awwww such a sweetheart. You guys should watch this movie because it’s a pretty cool story. Even though it’s baduy sometimes. It’s cute pa rin dklwjiahjekajd <3 I just love their friendship. They stick to ups and downs. They stick together even though they’re fucked up. They stick up even though they’re nothing. I just want their friendship.

3 Idiots (2009)

I don’t remember how I end up downloading this movie a couple of months ago. After finishing downloading this film. I don’t even want to watch it because the movie is too long. Yes, 3 freaking hours. Well yeah. Last night, I decided to check it out. I heard alot of good feed backs from this movie. So I grab some snacks, and then laughs and tears everywhere. It’s a great movie. And I can say that this is one of my favorite movie of all time. I’m not even joking. It’s a quality movie. (I can sense you guys are underestimating this film because it’s Bollywood you guys should watch it like swear to Allah). The story wasssss sooooo GREAT. I love the twist and the flow of the story. At first, I was like really confused… Then suddenly…. I was laughing…… and Crying….. I really love this movie to be honest. My favorite part is, when Mr.Virus somewhat killed Joy. Joy committed suicide. I don’t want to spoil it but yeah. I love the suicide scene, the hospital scene, the father talk scene and their friendship. I love their friendship. I just love it. They will stick together no matter what happens. Yes. I am so emotional((crying)) while watching this movie. Most of the scene are really sad/touching/depressing. But it’s a GREAT film and you guys should download it. I swear to God. You won’t regret it. I want to watch it again with my friends. Sigh. I am jealous because of their friendship. I wish my friends and I will stick up even though we’re 32 years old and we’re homeless. I wish my friends will be always on my side after all. I just want to keep our friendship forever. I know I sound so lame but it’s true. I get emotional when it comes to friendships. I just don’t know. I just love them. Ahhh never mind. I don’t want them to forget me. I don’t want them to forget everything. The precious memories, lame jokes, stupid fights, failing grades, ups and downs, love, hate, lust, girls and QUALITY FREAKING TIME WITH THEM. I’m hoping………..

#what is grammar #whorefriends #whoregoodtimes #whoremovies #whoreschool #whoretext #whorethis #thoughts

Suma-saya nga, panandalian lang naman.

#whoretext #whorethoughts

Lets volt in! Sisterakas with #VNGRDS haha. 😂👍👌

#vngrds

New shoes! Holla2013!!! #happyhappykid #vans #grey #gray #red #hashtag #hashbrown #shoes

#gray #vans #shoes #happyhappykid #grey #hashbrown #hashtag #red

New frame from #vans!!! #happykid #vans #tempo

#vans #tempo #happykid

Small Bump

Sorry for not posting random shits about my life these past few weeks. I was really busy and my computer and internet was a bitch. Well, my computer is okay now and my internet is back. So I back to normal. Oh, I began writing again. Since I bought a new journal and a new set of Colored(gay) pens. I miss writing to be honest.

So we spent Christmas at the hospital. Well, this is the saddest and boring-est Christmas ever. Seriously though. I kinda hate that place and I just want to go home and I just want my Yeye to be okay. Sadly, He suffered Mega U.T.I. But he's taking some medicines daily. Plus he's drinking 3 milk. Yes, we're kinda broke right now. And my relatives are acting a bitch when it comes to money. I mean c'mon. I need to take a break with this drama shits with my relatives. It's really annoying and upsetting at the same time. Sigh. I just hate this family to be honest. I just don't get it.

We spent New Years Eve at our house with some relatives. Cooked some pasta and some chicken shiz. I'm the one who's in charge with firecrackers every year. I bought fireworks and many more. I ate a lot. Like seriously!!! And I regret nothing. After the countdown. Went to my friends/neighbors. I drank vodka which is the worst thing ever!!!! Then went for a walk with friends. Kinda drunk -- No, I'm really drunk!!! Hahaha. I slept around 4:00PM. Next morning, we went to Pandacan,Manila for a family reunion. Thanks to my tito and tita. Thanks for the pamasko and gifts! Hahahahahaha.

I have school tomorrow. I should be sleeping right now but my body clock is fucked up because of reasons. Good luck to me. I need shit loads of coffee.

My Christmas break went really boring. I just hope that my Yeye will be okay. And I hope I can be more positive this year. I just want to forget all the bad stuff and bad memories that I made. I just want to be happy this year. I don't want to be problematic and sad anymore. I don't know man but I'm still confused about stuff and college. But I'm going to have an awesome year. And I'll make it sure!

#WHORELIFE #whoretext

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