Back again. @backheretowither - Tumblr Blog

therapists saying you're surprisingly self aware is like being called a pleasure to have in class for adults

yeah, sorry i exhibited symptoms of the disorder i told you i have. it will happen again because i have that disorder and will continue having it. hope this helps!! 🫶🫶🫶

academicblorbo

"if you are over 30 on Tumblr the mental illness won" "the aging fanbase of Tumblr" motherfucker if you are over 30 and have been here the entire time it means the mental illness didn't win we are still alive WE MADE IT

Tw: trauma dump

I have been so disconnected to how severe much fucking trauma is for my whole life, and therapy last week just made it all hit home and I'm not fucking okay.

Being molested, growing up with a drug addict mother in and out of countless DV relationships, having angry violent men screaming and punching things and threatening to kill us... was apparently pretty fucking traumatic. Then an entire childhood and teenage years of constantly being mocked and invalidated, having countless adults and professionals that had SO many chances to help me, and instead they just left me to suffer. I started cutting myself when I was twelve. TWELVE. The same year I tried to kill myself for the first time. I was an undiagnosed autistic/ADHD-er with severe trauma, so every fucking cry for help was just ignored and eventually misdiagnosed as BPD. I've battled anorexia for nearly fifteen years, and I still remember when I was a nine-year-old undiagnosed diabetic, that I stared in the mirror at my ribs sticking out, and it made me HAPPY. It didn't turn into a full-blown eating disorder until I was sixteen, but my nine year old self looked at my emaciated body and thought it was good. And now as an adult I'm getting all of these diagnoses of actual health and mental health shit that I've suffered from for thirty god damned years, that NOBODY cared enough to look at or consider because all they could see was a pile of problems, not me as a human being that was suffering. Just in the last few years Ive had seven miscarriages (at a healthy weight and eating well btw), spent two full months in hospital being tube fed because my anorexia got out of control, and my mum died completely out of nowhere.

Things are finally starting to be worked out- I'm getting disability support for my autism, the health shit is being discovered, and I'm in proper trauma therapy. I should be feeling better. Instead it's like I'm falling apart realising just how bad things have been my entire life, that all of the fucked up, awful things that have happened to me ARENT normal or something I can just dismiss or make dark jokes about. That I was let down time and time and time again, that I was a fucking child that should have been protected but wasn't. I thought I'd moved on from all this, and now I'm learning that I never really did, I just keep pushing myself to keep on surviving and not thinking about it, because that's all I could do.

I dont know how to be okay again.

#trauma #ptsd #trauma dump #tw #tw ed #tw trauma #tw sa #tw abuse #autism #personal

Rip I found out I had a gluten intolerance (apparently feeling sick and gross every time I ate was NOT normal or anorexia fucking my stomach up) and actually got into the trauma side of trauma therapy, and the combination of trauma bs and a sudden restrictive diet has sent me spiralling. I've dropped nearly 3kg in the last week because I just can't make myself fucking eat.

Kill me now.