he wraps his arms around me. i'm surprised but not resisting. i should resist. if he holds me any longer I might just melt. but I can't. he will be gone in a few days and he will not be back anytime soon and I can't, no, I won't, fall for him.
he is just being playful, as he always is. this means nothing to him and nothing to me. he laughs as one of the other boys makes a joke about something dumb and I can't help but laugh along with him. i laugh not because the joke is funny but because i can't help but laugh when he laughs.
he is still holding me, he's held me before and it's never meant anything. it's normal. except that this time i don't want it to be a playful hug. I want him to hold me so tight that he leaves an impression when he lets go. I want him to make me ache for air and I want him to know that he makes me breathless.
"anyway, you wanna go to my place? got a new foosball table yesterday. could be fun," luke says to no one in particular.
the others grunt in reply.
"you coming with us?" asks michael. I'm still thinking about him from a few minutes ago. I want to go back to then. I want to go through the same thing, same feelings, again.
"sure" i mumble abruptly.
he doesn't sit next to me in the car. I'm in between calum and ashton and he's in the front with luke. they make pleasant conversation with me for a few minutes and then we reach luke's place. they spill out of the car before I can even register where we are. everyone except michael walks towards luke's front door the minute they get out of the car. michael waits for me.
he takes my hand in his. it's casual. he swings it up and down in an exaggerated motion. he is quiet.
inside, they crowd around the table taking turns playing. i watch and laugh when one of them makes a joke. but I'm not really listening. i'm looking at michael. he's wearing a red t shirt and his arms look extraordinarily defined in it. his hair is messy and his cheeks a little flushed. the way he moves is so exquisite. he's so manly and at the same time.. gracious. he catches me staring and grins. I grin back.
"you look bored. wanna go outside?" he says to me, coming closer so that only I can hear.
we walk outside. the air is just cool enough to feel comfortable without needing a jacket. my hand is in his again. this time he laces his fingers through mine and with his other hand bounces his fingers off the tips of mine. neither of us says anything but the silence isn't awkward. i think.
"oh hey what do you want from china?" he asks suddenly, referring to his first tour stop. i look at my feet, I was hoping he wouldn't mention it so that I wouldn't be reminded that he's leaving.
"you don't have to get me anything. just come back in one piece" i joke. it's not that funny but he laughs anyway.
"you're gonna miss me aren't you" he says smirking as he looks ahead.
"yeah" I mumble and I'm not sure if he hears.
we find a tree and sit under it. his arm is pressed against mine, fingers still in mine.
"i think I'm gonna miss you" he says softly, as if saying out loud what he's thinking.
"you think?" i say, pretending to be more offended than I actually am.
he chuckles but says nothing in reply. i wish I could read his mind. i wish I knew, in moments like these, what he really meant.
"i'm gonna miss you babe" he says after a few moments. if I could, i'd replay that one sentence for the rest of my life. babe. i'm his babe.
"call me that again" i whisper.
"okay babe" he stresses on the word like he knows exactly what I'm thinking.
"you've never called me that" i say almost defensively.
"you've never called me that either" he retorts, playfully.
i want to say, i didn't know if I could. I still don't know if I can. I don't know if we're going to become a thing or not and I don't know how to ask you if we are. I don't want to ask you because I don't want you to say something I don't want to hear and I don't want to not ask you because I'm so very curious. aren't you? you should be too.
instead I say, "yeah I guess"
his phone buzzes and he pulls it out of his pocket. through the corner of my eye I see him skim through at least ten messages in a few seconds. i wonder if that's how he reads my texts too.
i can't see who he is texting.
i shift my focus to the contact at the top of the phone. the name starts with an r.
so not one of the boys then.
ry? someone called ryan maybe? and then he tilts his phone a little too much in my direction and I see it.
he chuckles as he sends her a text in reply. she texts back almost immediately. i can't read much and i don't want to, at this point.
don't freak out, i tell myself. you have no idea who she is. she could be a cousin or something, for all you know.
he continues texting her without looking up from his phone. his fingers are no longer in mine. i pretend to cough to get his attention. he looks up abruptly,
"forget I was here?" i say jokingly, i want him to think it doesn't matter to me. but i know that he knows it does; he looks at me for a second too long and gives it away.
he gets up and pulls me along with him. he lets go of my hand when we walk back to luke's.
just before we go back in, he pushes me against the front door and looks me right in the eye, standing a few inches in front of me. he lifts my chin up and uses the same hand to go to my head and play with a few strands of hair. i stare back, unable to move or make a sound. i want to kiss him. but I don't know if he wants me to. i don't know him at all. but he knows me completely.
we've never kissed before. we've never even been this close before. i don't know what he wants or why he's suddenly being like this. and who the fuck is rylee? if I ask him, there's a 90% chance he'll say "oh she's just this girl i'm seeing" and i'll say, "then what the fuck am i?" and he will say the dreaded words; you're my friend.
i place my hands on his chest and deliberate for a moment before I push him away. he is surprised but doesn't resist.
"fine" i reply, trying to smile, "we should go in"
"hey, i don't know what happened today but I hope we're okay. i'm sorry if i did something..i don't know."
i don't say anything for a minute and he asks me if im still there,
"yeah sorry. hey can i come over? we need to talk" the words come out of my mouth before i can think them through.
"oh..okay. sure" he sounds confused but also like he couldn't care less. let me read your mind michael. let me dissolve in your words and become one with you.
I pick up my car keys but on second thought, decide id rather walk. we don't live near each other but id walk a hundred miles for him. the air is cold now. the roads, empty and then not empty. empty and not empty. they remind me of myself.
I knock on his door. he opens it a little too quickly and motions for me to come in. i sit on the couch and he sits on the other end. he has a beer in his hand and he doesn't offer me any.
"what did you wanna talk about?" he finally says.
"yeah..so um" i say slowly. i don't know what I was thinking when i asked to come here. i am not ready to have this conversation. leave. leave. leave. leave you stupid bitch. just make an excuse and leave.
"i'm kinda tired" i choke out and i immediately cringe at how fake that's sounds. i know he knows i'm lying. i'm never too tired for him.
"are you..okay?" is all he says.
i nod quickly and get up to leave.
"wait" he says, still sitting down. "wait. come here" he pats his lap.
i turn slowly and sit close to him. he puts his hands on my hips and lifts me up and places me on him; my legs around his body, his hands around mine. i'm happy i'm confused i'm relieved i'm upset i'm starting to forget about everything else in this world and i'm still confused.
"can i kiss you?" he whispers back.
happy confused relieved upset.
so he does. and it feels good. it's just a kiss. i've had a million. it last for a few seconds. but it feels good because it's michael. and in that moment he is all I can think of. not myself, not rylee, no one. michael, michael, michael.
a/n: this post was 100% inspired by @currentlyupcalsass 's recent to please go check it out!!
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