if i can, so can you

mental health, recovery, & self care from a vata-pitta cottagewitch living out her 20's on occupied Adena, Hopewell, Yuchi, Shawnee, & Eastern Cherokee land

[balancingthewind]

manifestation/new life's goals

I’ve realized that having a vision helps me to feel positive feedback from my actions. Often, without clear intention, energy dissipates without really having an affect on anything. As I feel my energy diminishing with the life I’ve been living, I’ve decided I need to reroute. More context on that in boundaries/money shame.

The purpose of this is to clarify my vision and goals for the relatively near future, with the intent to manifest the things I need to bring this to my reality.

So, as for these goals. I’ll organize them in order of chronology and importance. They begin with “Soon, I will...”

File my taxes properly with write offs & get 2019 federal refund.

Apply for forgivable PPP loan.

Acquire food stamps/any other government assistance I’m eligible for.

Have own apartment near work with utilities costing in total no more than $600 monthly.

Maintain my relationship with my partner and work through my intimacy blockages.

Sell my vehicle and utilize the money to purchase a bicycle and orthodontic retainers and pay on some debts totaling $3,797.14.

Build a stronger spirit and psyche through daily yoga practice of kriya, asana, pranayama, and dharana. Begin to love my self again.

Build a stronger physicality through daily exercises and physical therapy as well as a proper nutritional regimen. Begin to love my body again.

Have students attending my yoga classes in a way that is energetically and financially gratifying.

Write more music, get better at guitar, and play shows with The Good Gals beginning this summer.

Graduate my yoga teacher training with confidence and embodied knowledge.

Begin offering one-on-one Yoga training and holistic health consultation.

Begin offering kids yoga classes.

Build the Karma Yoga Initiative and lead monthly service trips & public actions.

Complete my marketing course and Trauma Informed Yoga summit, and begin online business management & herbalism classes.

That’s all I have so far.

[balancingthewind]

boundaries/money shame

I guess I’m really doing this. With the click of a mouse I’ve initiated the chain of catalysts moving me into this new era of my life. I feel somewhat nauseous. But I know this is good.

I’m beginning this era with some fear, but mostly the light-headed surreality of having finally arrived at that distant mountain knowing the difficulty ahead as well as the excitement of the impending summit.

People commonly talk about money shame on one end of a spectrum and, while acknowledging the systemic problems causing generational poverty and the many economic recessions that have affected so many Americans, I need to speak my truth, too.

I come from a family of generational bootstrappers. The old story goes, my father’s grandmother’s family was one of “migrant” cotton-pickers (they’re white and are not immigrants, hence the quotations). My great-grandmother didn’t graduate elementary school, settled in Texas, and bore something like nine children.

Now that I think about it, I don’t know much about her husband, but I do know that their children were brilliant hellions. Many of the stories I hear of their youth involve violence, yet somehow most of them grew up to be moderately successful: chemists, professional athletes, ranchers…

My grandfather and grandmother, however, got pregnant with my father before they graduated high school. Even so, my grandfather got through college by joining the US Air Force, eventually became a dentist, my grandmother a CPA, and eventually had the highest grossing private practice in their metropolitan area.

They even managed to raise thoroughbreds and cattle, and my dad grew up to be a physician, providing a lifestyle of affluence for his young family. Even my siblings have managed to set themselves on a trajectory of extreme financial comfort through academic merit and the opportunities laid out by their efforts and my parents’.

The same cannot be said for myself. While my parents offered to pay for university (with stipulations), I graduated high school with no honors and made it through a year at a state college before I sprang like a compressed coil off into everywhere and nowhere.

Although I’ve managed to regain some semblance of stability by working a job I truly love and foresee longevity in, I still have a number of financial tethers to my parents accounts. Car insurance, phone bill, yoga teacher training… even the house I currently sit in, the lease agreement I have signed, belongs to my parents. My car I purchased from my parents and yet they’ve had to foot most mechanics bills since I’ve had it.

While these aren’t necessarily bad things, the part where it gets complicated is the one where my personal values and ideologies are in some ways fundamentally misaligned with those of my father. So, as part of keeping up the relationship, there are parts of myself that have become integral to the way I navigate the world which I cannot speak, even when the topics and subsequent somatic and emotional responses arise. And when I do, as I did last Thursday, the lid blows sky-high.

That’s what happens when you have trauma responses triggered by specific kinds of interactions, especially with specific people. With my father, stubborn as a bull and convinced of his superior vision, simply presenting your case or citing sources gets you nowhere. It’s a game of looking for loopholes and pulling at the frays of an argument rather than taking the other person’s point seriously.

If this was a legal case and anyone had something to win, I would understand, but when hours of painstaking research and personal transparency mean nothing, when respect will never be mutual, when the end game is being right rather than bringing light… I just can’t fucking do it anymore.

Especially because the argument in question revolved around social justice, particularly racial equality. My father believes he’s not racist, from what I can see, because he’s not as bad as he used to be, how my family has been for generations. Because he “has black friends”, and yet believes that the US government holds no responsibility in taking action to uplift Black communities, that affirmative action was too far of a reach and removed opportunity from deserving white people.

I’ve seen my father say and do some verifiably, outwardly racist white man shit in my life, and really I wouldn’t continue to take issue with that if he had the wherewithal to sit down and really listen to Black activists and try to actually feel something for the Black experience nor attempt to actually change or sacrifice for this cause in the way that I and most of my generation have had to. Instead, he white-knuckles his rusty, fossilized opinions until we’re slamming doors and slinging hatred at the walls.

The kind of change I need to see in him is never comfortable. It takes a critical look at one’s deepest values and an inquiry into the nature of them, whether they’re based in the advantages of a system based upon white supremacy or in the yearning for betterment of all people. It always requires remorse, resolution, and sacrifice, and I don’t know if he’ll ever be willing to take that on.

Another side of the disagreement is the thoroughbred industry itself. I’ve been turning down invitations to the race track for years, but that means nothing when the first thing I see when I turn in my parents driveway is a horse behind a fence. When the dinner table discussion revolves around brood mares and foaling season… my first instinct is to dissociate so I don’t have to hear or feel. Because presence means rage, and I know this is something I can never change about them, and the energetic toll it takes in me to fight with them is massive.

I can no longer ignore the fact that this level of cognitive dissonance is unhealthy for me to engage with. Having a blowout with my father for me means rage crying, sleep loss, and prolonged depression/dissociation, and that’s just some shit I don’t have time for.

Even before this happened I had been on a break with my partner, namely because I feel like my progress is constantly compromised by relationship complications, and I’m starting to feel like I can do better alone - like I’ve been on the verge of taking this step for myself, that of solitude, and have dodged or fumbled every time the opportunity was close for fear of my inability to support myself. I also think that this fear of financial incompetence comes from my money shame for having needed to keep asking for help from people who actively contribute to the colonial damage I wish to give my life to repairing, and from the way money was used to control my youth.

I can’t say that I’ll never speak to them again, especially since my sister’s wedding is coming up quickly, and also because I have no idea what the future will bring. There are many people in my life I swore I’d never speak to again that I now have amicable relationships with.

But my hope is that by setting this first boundary, developing my resilience as this person I am becoming, and making my way without their purse strings attached, I can someday return and see a shift in their beliefs, or at least receive the personal respect I deserve.

That probably won’t happen, that hill of ignorance looks pretty comfortable, but one can hope.

[balancingthewind]

Are you still a selfish person who only interacts with people to use them?

Interesting, there’s only one person who’s outright said this to me in my life. Will you elaborate on this? Cause either you’re that same person (in which case, why? we already talked) or we still have some things to talk about and grow from.

My question for you: when and how did I hurt you, and is there a way I can make it right?

Honestly, I’m pretty comfortable with the fact that I absolutely did not have my shit straight for a long time. A lot of the philosophy that I felt liberated me from the prison of my adolescent life led me into quite a few bad life decisions, many of them with casualties that I’ve been apologizing for directly over the past couple of years. Most people also acknowledge that we were young, and that they too had blind spots and lessons to learn, and the reconciliation is usually smooth and mutual.

So yeah. Sorry I haven’t already called you, I might not ever have realized you were one of those people in my past path of destruction... and may never anyways, since your anon. But feel free to keep the convo going here or just hit me up in a non anon way (ig, FB, you get it). I’m ready to talk.

[balancingthewind]

returning

Why do I practice yoga?

Because, as much as my triggers would have me do otherwise, I need to spend time listening to my body. Because, when I don’t, I experience pain physically and mentally. Pain that is avoidable through Yoga.

Yoga is not just a blending of fanciful movements that make you acrobatically strong and flexible. Sure, those can be outcomes if they are your aims, but the heart of the practice is learning how to do the most simple of movements - sitting, standing, walking - with stability and fluidity, a fully embodied person. The Yoga poses you see are only the most superficial layer of the asana practice; what is happening in the unseen, felt sense, is the most profound gift of Yoga.

Not only does the intelligent use of our bodies bring physical alignment and grace, but longevity and health also lie in our abilities to focus our minds acutely on any subject, to quieten the chaos noise of the world and the narrating mind to see any one thing clearly. As we narrow our focus to the subtle workings of our inner bodies, we also strengthen our ability to concentrate without distraction to achieve any goal.

As a person who deals with complex trauma and its companions, dissociation and anxiety, this level of embodiment has clarified my path to mental health. Symptoms like depression and shame tug at my frays, looking for a hole through which to pull me from my body, soothing terror with waking sleep. With one-pointed focus I can feel my feet, check in with my senses, and make my way back to presence. Post-traumatic stress can bring about an overload of stress hormones, throwing my body and mind into a fight/flight/freeze response… to which, I breathe, hush the mental chatter, address the trauma on a physical level, and diffuse it. When looking at everyday, practical self-regulating tools, Yoga provides some that can directly combat both numbing and panic.

Yoga has given me the tools to cope with the past year, too - although at first glance that may be hard to see. To be perfectly honest, I was not one of the lucky ones who remained buoyant, giddily occupied in their homes. The year prior had held some pretty huge losses for me and I was dealing with insecurity on several levels when the pandemic hit, and so I fell back into my familiar coping mechanisms - checking out, smoking cigarettes, and generally not holding myself accountable for how I was treating myself and the ones I loved. On a day-to-day basis, checking in to the senses can prevent absolute neurosis, but once I built a sensitivity to my body’s need to communicate, I felt and now am paying for the long duration of silence.

I also sustained a few injuries in 2019 and 2020, altering my practice as far as removing any pose involving weight-bearing in the hands, and causing mild-to-severe constant pain in my neck and shoulder, so my relationship to my body has changed drastically, and approaching a flow (my typical mode of personal practice) isn’t really possible anymore in the way my mind isn’t able to sink completely into movement and has to stay thinking about how I need to modify the next pose, which made practicing altogether less enjoyable.

I quit teaching when studios shut down right at the beginning, and today, I am teaching my first one back (so long as anyone signs up). I have some nervousness about this, but I’m using some methods I learned in an Alexander Technique workshop to deal with this in the sense of being able to follow through with showing up.

Because that’s really been the issue. Showing up. For the past year, every time I tried to get back to health, it started with a morning Yoga asana practice, and the message at the end of the practice from inside was always, “I can do this.” Eat a good breakfast, great. But then, the day would pass, the inevitable fatigue would set in, and I would end my day with mind numbing activities until I was too tired to keep my eyes open so that I could avoid the real responsibility of acknowledging my day on a physical level, diffusing it, and getting myself to a place where I could sleep. Because I’ll be damned if I’ll ever get up for a 5am Yoga practice if I’ve been up until 1am playing Sims or watching the Great British Bake-Off. Just isn’t happening.

Even being in a yoga teacher training that started the same month as the pandemic hit Kentucky hasn’t stopped me from falling from the path for a little while. Luckily I can still use what I’ve been taught now, but there’s a little shame and remorse in letting yet another opportunity go under-fulfilled.

So yeah. In all honesty, this year has been straining and traumatizing for everyone. From some perspectives, the outlook is pretty fucking dark too. My partner and I are sinking deeper into the Great American Pit of Medical Debt as we speak, and it’s hard not to get angsty just thinking about the fact that so much of the suffering the world endures could be avoided in an alternate but feasible reality.

However, despite this apparent loss of hope, Yoga was still there for me. As someone who will probably always deal with the darkest corners of depression for life, I need a light to counter the darkness, lest it becomes too much to handle. Yoga - not in the sense of poses or breathing, but in the experience of unadulterated union between mind, body, and spirit - is that light. Whether distant, in memory, or present, Yoga is one of those things you “can’t unsee”. To remain in that state requires practice, but if you can’t practice, you at least can know that Yoga is there for you when you’re ready to return.

So, here I am, returning. Letting go of the shame of thinking I need to have had it all together, allowing ME to be good enough while honoring the responsibility of being a teacher. I’ve been practicing Yoga asana (poses), pranayama (breathwork), nidra (resting yoga) and meditation of various sorts multiple times a day for a couple weeks now. I’ve quit smoking cigarettes (again) and am working with a doctor to find medication to help stabilize my depression until the Yoga has done its work.

These are things I require of myself to be able to show up to teach: to be doing everything I can to get myself healthy, making decisions that contribute to my health, remaining diligent to my tendencies and looking for places I can implement what I’ve learned kinesthetically and philosophically to my life. In this way, I can come to the mat with a clear mind and hold space for anyone who may need Yoga in the same way I do.

So, I guess this all begs the question, why do I teach yoga?

Because I want people like me to feel safe in a Yoga class. Because I know I'm different from many in that my gauge of excellence is metered by stability and comfort, rather than physical exceptionalism, as the absence of suffering in myself and others is my highest goal. And I think I could access people who really need that, given my understanding of complex trauma and experience with and love for so many kinds of people. I want badly to create culture in my city and even farther, focused around health and community, sharing and creation. I know we can do this. It's hard work, but it can be made easier when your environment reflects positive ideals, and that is something almost everyone has control over to some extent.

If you’re interested in a trauma-informed, research-based, gentle Yoga practice for physical and mental longevity, please join me. Literally everyone is welcome, and I can modify almost all poses to be done from a chair. I’m teaching virtually on Tuesdays at 6pm and in person at Centered Holistic Health on Saturdays at 11am.

Be humble and blessed <3

[schevepalen]

[weltenwellen]

Jennifer Willough, from “The Sun Is Still A Part Of Me”, Beautiful Zero: Poems

[spiritualevolution1111]

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer (via purplebuddhaquotes)

[balancingthewind]

vratham | manifestation ritual

While researching commitment and willpower I came across the concept of vratham, or the process by which one observes spiritual vows in order to please the various deity originating in ancient Vedic tradition.

Truly, any vow can be translated on a spiritual level, so I’d like to look at vratham through the lens of its practical application to goals that require a deeper commitment through which to follow. 

but first, some history...

Vratham are also traditionally used to manifest goals such as fertility, financial abundance, the assistance of a loved one or ancestor, or cleansing of the mind and body - all ultimately intended to bring order and discipline into ones life.

In Vedic tradition, it is typically the women who perform Vratha while the men perform sacrificial ritual (yajna).

Vrat are taken on auspicious dates like new and full moons as well as on most holy days, as well as any time deemed auspicious to complete a goal based on Vedic astrology.

In Jainism, the five Vratam are vows that are made by monks and householders, including non-harming, non-stealing, non-grasping, truth-telling, and chastity.

approaching vratham for modern vratis

A working definition of vratham:

“It is a commitment to free yourself from the bonds of your negative past karma, to generate more positive thoughts and actions in the present, and to create a better, more spiritually enlivened future for yourself and those around you.” - Yoga International

You need four parts: your sankalpa, or heartfelt intention; a place to perform your vrat; a duration (consecutive days or repeating weekly); and your chosen parameters. 

I’ve used lots from the Sanatan Ashram website for this next bit on building a practice that will help you manifest your needs:

1. Think First

If you want to make a deep vow, make sure you’re setting yourself up for success. This means, when in relation to a material goal, things like smart investment, publicity, and timeline planning, as well as progress tracking and accountability feedback.

Most importantly, this means removing environmental obstacles that stand in between you and your goals, no matter the material or spiritual makeup. 

Also, you want to choose to take a Vrata regarding something with which there is already Tapas, or some level of passionate fire behind. This way you can feel good about your ability to follow through.

2. Honor Your Word

Once you set the parameters of your vow, comply to them strictly. This applies on the smallest to the largest levels. Of course, all of this is done your own will - but remember that the power of your will is depleted to the extent that it is negated. When you make a choice, set your course and fly true. Remember the Goethe quote, the one that starts,

“Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth — ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: That the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves, too.”

Make the choice, commit, and move your mountains.

3. Completion is Necessary

Our commitment to our vows, in their most enlivened extent, are commitments to bring order into the world and discipline into our own characters. Again, once negated, the will is weakened, and so is the will of the world. 

If one so chooses to interrupt their vow, it may be helpful to journal on their decision and set a new date to resume the vrat, or use the tarot spread I laid out in my commitment magic post if you want to redirect your focus.

the rules

So, this is where things are going to get vague. That’s because no one can determine the boundaries of your journey for you - only you can.

I’ll list below some categories and objectives observed throughout the ages for the sake of inspiration. Choose only what feels meaningful to you. Challenges inspire growth, but self-mortification only inspires burnout. 

That is to say, be kind to yourself. You are the deity, your body is the temple, and all pleasure and pain are to be taken in as the sensational orchestra backing the opera of this life - observed with intrigue and entertainment, not bewilderment and despair. 

1. Start & end with sankalpa... whatever is your heartfelt mission, turn this into an affirmation. Experience the reality of the affirmation as you invoke deity, if you choose. Don’t just pray it - we want the part of your brain that feels things involved, not just the one that thinks it. Speak this aloud with feeling as you start and end your vratham.

2. Bathing Daily... follow daily hygeine regimens with limited moisturizing. “It is necessary to bathe after passing flatus, crying or laughing loudly, losing temper, touching a rat or cat or lying.” (Sanatan)

3. Clothing and ornaments... dressing suitable to the observance; light clothing when chanting mantra to avoid excessive heat building; loose trousers (dhoti) are best

4. Fasting... eat light meals at the same time each day. enjoy plenty of fruit, leafy greens, roots, squash, hot cereals, and, if dairy is preferred, ghee and cow’s milk. avoid salt, meat, & honey. some prefer to skip dinner and/or lunch, some prefer to drink only water while they fast, some prefer no water at all. Menstruating women and those who perform manual labor for a living should avoid fasting for more than two consecutive days at a time.

5. Aachamanam every morning... here’s my take:

Early in the morning, before sunrise, before you begin your mantra and meditation practice, drink clean, warm water from the same cup (obv clean it). Your first three sips and sentences go as follows:

*sip* “My body and the world are well.”

*sip* “My voice and Truth are in harmony.”

*sip* “My mind and emotions are at ease.”

You may also invoke deities in place of these phrases that inspire clarity of body, speech, and thought. Traditionally, the first three names of Vishnu are used: “Kesaavaya Swaaha; Narayanaya Swaaha; Madhyavaya Swaaha.” 

These are meant to clear all elements from the throat, unblock and cleanse the throat, solar plexus, and sacral chakras, and allow the seeker to clearly speak their mantra. More directions in this article.

6. Puja of the Deity... choose one based on your intention, or choose the presiding Deity as whichever corresponds to the current day, time, month, or lunar asterism. This may include chanting of the deity’s name, meditation on their images, telling of relevant stories, kirtan (ritual story & song), text recitation, & other forms of worship. More directions here.

If you’re one of the deity-averse, you should simply journal on your goal, meditate on the visualization of its completion or an affirmation of its reality, paint a picture inspired by the vow, devote time to reading about people who have tried to do what you are now attempting, or something of this nature.

7. Cultivate divine virtues... this can mean whatever it means to you, but it’s important that we are adding to our moral fortitude and become people worthy of our nobility, no matter our heritage. For inspiration, see Patanjali’s Yamas & Niyamas, or consider virtues like forgiveness, truthfulness, compassion, generosity, etc.

8. Offering meals... some argue that Vedic sacrificial tradition, which told people to throw ghee and other offerings into the sacrificial fire, actually got it wrong - that it is an offense to the god to sacrifice goods to a fire or the earth, and that feeding the fire in our own bellies or that of our gurus, families, and those in need is sufficient elemental magic to nourish and please Agni, the fire god.

9. Donation... if one is financially secure, donating to spiritual sites or projects affecting/affected by your goal can be helpful in moving your intention forward.

10. Celibacy... not like just not having sex, though some interpret it this way. imo, celibacy means not letting your energy intermingle with toxic ones. if he or she doesn’t honor your body or their own as a temple, they’re not worth it. if giving your time to that person is killing your happy, they’re. not. worth. it.

Lots of other restrictions are recommended, like... moisturizing the body (assumedly because fasting is intended to detox & adding oil should happen during nutritive cycles); consumption of betel leaves (& potentially other stimulants); use of fragrances on the body; actions that exhaust the body or aggravate the mind; dwelling on feelings of anger, greed, attachment, or laziness; smoking; sleeping during the day; stealing; vehicular travel

11. Udyapan/Completion... this is a ceremony signifying your satisfaction with completing the Vrat, including puja, sacrificial fires, and other relevant spiritual practices. The ceremony required for traditional Vrat are prescribed.

Okay... we made it. That was a long one. All of this information has been compiled from online sources. If your experience or research negates any of this, hit me up. I’d love to talk about it and learn more myself!

Resources:

https://youtu.be/CGYnWiNW2NA

https://www.rudraksha-ratna.com/articles/aachamanam

https://yogainternational.com/article/view/the-yoga-of-commitment

https://www.sanatan.org/en/a/305.html

https://www.speakingtree.in/blog/the-correct-way-of-performing-yajna-214614

https://www.drikpanchang.com/vrats/hindu-vrat-list.html

[balancingthewind]

sustaining productivity

willpower + passion + siesta = sustainable productivity.

When my depression is activated, I have a really hard time just getting out of bed in the morning, much less getting anything more than the bare minimum completed in my day. So, I’ve been thinking a lot about the meaning of willpower and commitment, as well as passion and rest’s role, in relation to my ability to succeed in spite of depression and S.A.D.

some quick advice to myself and people like me...

feeling energized and able? use the energy to get your mundane must-do’s completed.

ready to procrastinate?  use the down-time to noodle around on a passion project until you’re feeling jazzed again.

these two meters, plus daily built-in rest hours, can help you feel good about the use of your time and energy on a moment-to-moment basis.

we can do this!!!

[minuty]

[balancingthewind]

commitment magic: building your power of choice & manifestation

These tools are intended to add to the seeker’s sense of strength and confidence in their commitments.

image by Melissa Forbes

Lunar Phase for ideal efficacy: 

waxing gibbous/full

Traditional Meditations: 

Dhāranā (single-pointed attention);  trātaka (fire/object gazing);

Visualization meditations:

chakra (see below) an unwavering flame at the solar plexus the color Yellow you achieving your goals :)

Chakra: 

Solar Plexus - see mandala at top; meditate on this image or the sensation behind & slightly above the navel as you breathe; meditate with citrine

Asana: 

core strengthening - planks centering - tree, bird dog

Mantra:

“I will it so, so it is done.”

“RAM” (Bija Mantra for Solar Plexus)

Sound:

528 Hz Solfeggio by Meditative Mind on Youtube 528 Hz Album by Solfeggio Frequencies Tones on Spotify

Tarot Spread for Clarity of Direction:

1. What is something I need to commit to? 2. What environmental changes are necessary before I can commit? 3. What resources will be made available to me after committing? 4. What will be the outcome if I do? 5. What will be the outcome if I don’t?

arrange like: 2     3     1 4     5

Herbal allies:

Rhodiola rosea; Ashwaghanda

Online Resources:

https://liveanddare.com/trataka/

https://krisshih.weebly.com/chapter-9-willpower.html

https://beyogi.com/yogic-practice-of-dharana/

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/herbs-for-energy

https://yogainternational.com/article/view/the-yoga-of-commitment

[balancingthewind]

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth — ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: That the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves, too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and imagination in it. Begin it now.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

[mentalhealth]

(artist: @harrymckenzie)

[balancingthewind]

just a note to self

[balancingthewind]

6 | recovery

I applied for another job recently. Not because I don’t like the one I have, but simply the timing of finding of the particular job seemed synchronized to awarenesses recently opened and conversations had. The position was to be a peer support specialist at a local addiction recovery center.

They asked the question, “Are you in recovery? How did you get there? What is it like for you?” as a long-answer response prompt in the application. What is quoted below was my initial answer, which ultimately was edited down to about half the size of what appears here as was necessary for the character limit. I’ve added pictures here because I can. 

spoiler alert: I didn’t get the job.

“I suppose I can answer "yes" to this. There was never really a point in my time abusing substances where I recognized that I couldn't recover without help, but I suppose that recovering solo is still recovery all the same. 

From about 2012-2018 I dabbled daily with alcohol, psychedelics, and "party drugs" such as cocaine, MDMA, and other seratonin-impoverishing substances. Basically, myself and ten to fifteen other people at any given time could be found out of our minds at someone's house or the public park or anywhere at all. I stopped using my own will to influence my direction, and thus found myself as far as New York City, New Orleans, Montana, California, and most places in-between, driving my car with my dog and anyone else who wanted to be in it, on wild and all the same much-forgotten adventures.

My transition to "clean" was gradual. It kick-started when I found myself in Oregon on the tail end of a psychotic break, with no one I could trust, stripping for money and putting in every ounce of leg work to keep myself and my (toxic and incredibly traumatized) ketamine- and xanax-addicted epileptic partner alive. I wanted to believe we could help one another - this story is much too long for this response - but I caught him stealing from me, an inexcusable act. Only then did I drive five days home to Kentucky alone. 

Because of distance and circumstances, my exit from the “scene” had begun the summer prior when I left on aimless travels. I returned home during a period where some of the hardcore partiers had leveled-up to homecooked crack benders, of which I desired no part. I began to recognize that the lustre of community and “one love” had faded into a gruesome shadow, a mass grave.

I then found myself a partner who at least had a job and a home, but also lung cancer and a mean cocaine habit who put us in repeated proximity, close enough to be considered participation in the darkest corners of that massacred dream. I’m not sure what I expected, but never did I let myself get comfortable here.

A short time after my quiet exit from the well-intentioned mistake, I found a partner who had job, home, wasn't actively dying and didn't "mess with powders", but an alcohol addiction and religious trauma enough to extract all interest in spiritual endeavors. I didn't leave him until I was cheated on.

Eventually, I just got really sick of being around people with whom my bonds were based mostly in trauma and had no apparent interest in the journey to better health and a fulfilled life. I realized the inherent toxicity about a culture that encourages people to dissociate from their bodies, to be loose with their moral interpretations of actions while silently carrying the guilt.

It was an incredibly lonely transition. It was as though I once sat precariously atop a tall tree, overlooking the world, thinking I had found serenity, and when the storm finally came and knocked me from the peak, I quite naturally ran into many branches on the way down. All leaving bruises, all needing healing, but never will gravity need to pull me down that way again. They are staying in the tree, and I am staying where I belong, on the ground.

I still miss the camaraderie sometimes, the feeling that no one could ever take your perfect humanness from you and that not a thing else really matters, choosing to believe with all one’s might. But what I really wanted was to be strong, impermeable, and surrounded by those who supported my dreams and vision. And I'm stronger now. Now when I feel triggered, I at least try to sit with what I'm experiencing rather than burying the feeling under chemicals and noise quickly enough that they’re barely noticed.

I'm also lucky to now have the strongest support system in my personal history. My partner is stable, understands where I've been, and holds space for my experience while encouraging me to do better every day. My parents also continue to support me, and my boss meets me spiritually and always holds compassionate principles when I need her as a confidante and advisor. I am grateful to these people and feel that every person needs and deserves support from those with their best interest at heart.

I'm not sure what else to include here other than the fact that, the other day, I had the recognition to write this as a Facebook status:

"Manifestation of change:

I went from the person who people asked to help them find party drugs, to the person people ask to help them find healing resources.

If I can do it, you can too.”

That's actually why I found this listing. My mom was inspired to look into peer support jobs and, somewhat miraculously, found you. And here we are.”

[balancingthewind]

5 | weakness leaving the body

TW/CW: rape, blood, self mutilation, eating disorders

It’s Sunday. The second to last one of January, and my first blog of the month. I could make many excuses, but I won’t because excuses are for weak people, and that’s really how I feel.

But, then again, that could mean I think I’m a weak person. That’s probably the truth of why I’m here. Because I let it sink in too young that when you falter, you pick yourself up and move on, and anything less is a condition that must be resolved. And when the time came that I could not, I think I spiritually resigned myself to weakness. Nothing is ever final, I admit, but somewhere in me I have made a home for sadness, anger, exhaustion, and defeat.

I hated crying growing up. My dad was a “I’ll give you something to cry about” teacher whose tone was only ever moderate or extreme, never soft. And truly, I was a soft kid. I was the one who would stop to help up the soccer rival who fell at the game, or mourn over the battered barn bats dying in the trash bin. When I was angry, I lost the ability to speak. The anger would rise in drastic pressure and, like water so terribly destructive it may as well be fire, my words would tumble out between sobs, muffled and incoherent, on my oppressor’s deafly amused ears, drowning only myself. 

Around age 15, I was coerced into my first sexual encounter. Some would define it as rape. He had been a friend since early elementary school, and since my family had moved out of state my sister and I were spending the week prior to summer camp at his family’s house. His sister and mine were at a movie and his parents were at work. He told me he would kill himself if he couldn’t be with me, and as we lived far away, it was now or never. Doesn’t matter that I was in a committed and loving relationship (as much as one could be at 15), his life laid in my decision and any pain he felt would be blood on my hands. 

I chose anal, because I didn’t want to give him my “virginity” (little did I know) and I thought somehow I would be able to sleep better at night not having had vaginal intercourse. I remember the intense pain, feeling like i was being split in two, but there was no one who would hear me cry out, and I chose this, so I should just shut the fuck up and take it. I don’t remember anything other than the pain, his navy corduroy comforter, the little wooden headboard columns I clung to, and the sound of Harold and Kumar continuing to play in the background. Nothing follows. I went to camp that week and buried the injury, having a relatively normal time other than writing and throwing away multiple letters home about the encounter, confessing my sin.

I didn’t really register what had happened to me for a few months but I had begun the cycles of dissociation and overwhelming emotional pain that haunt me to this day. I started self mutilating pretty soon after I got home and rarely got more sleep than a couple hours a night (though that’s pretty common for angsty teenagers I think), and got started on my career of disordered eating before opening my mouth to anyone about what happened.

The next several years, really up to now, have been spent mending, and breaking, and mending, and breaking. Even the past two years have broken my heart, body, and spirit in too many ways to count. I think I’ve reached the Nadir of this low curve and am once again on the mend, but I can’t help but feel like I live in some sort of suspension, where my burdens will never fully be laid to rest, where I will be perpetually be fighting and falling, ad infinitum, with each low point lower than the last.

It’s exhausting. I really thought I’d figured it out at a certain point, too. Of course, I was waist-deep in psychedelia and totally lost in another special way, but I at least felt better. I could smile and laugh with my whole heart, and I wish I had found a way to bottle the feeling up. Isn’t that really what counts, after all? A deep sense of joy and wonder with the world, and the belief that your family could keep up the act?

I want to believe deeply in something, so much that there is no more faltering, that I could be consumed by my love for God or family or money or anything at all. I would choose God, but even so, after all I’ve seen, I just don’t know how to give my heart and soul to anything on faith alone. 

But if I am to live the life of the realist, the life where we only ever get one, where there is no magic, then how am I to continue bearing witness to this world? I don’t believe in any of this, and I don’t see a realistic way out of it in my lifetime. The capitalism, the brutal wasting of resource and life on greed and power, the disintegration of anything good into concrete and plastic. I won’t be able to change that. I’ll do what I can because I would hate myself otherwise, but I know the fate of the Earth provided humanity continues its course.

What kind of bleak existence is this?

All I want is to be filled with light again. Here’s the catch - I now know must be filled from the inside, out, never the other way again. Never again do I wish to find myself filled with egoic, prideful confidence of thinking I’ve figured shit out just because I’ve caught a glimpse beyond the veil of materiality. 

It is a wonder for the mysteries of life that I want to be filled with, with spirit, hope, and the powers of intention and will. This comes from practice, loving support, and lots of time, apparently.

I need to practice more. I can’t really write myself off as incapable of lasting joy before I’ve put in the work. Biochemical depression is such a fucker though. Just to be able to peel myself off the sheets in the morning is a miracle, much more with enough time to make my practice happen. And, when I do get the practice done, I feel great about myself for a little while most of the time, but often immediately and usually eventually, I only feel more raw.

Someone show me the pace I must take to make this a reality. I know this is the only marathon that is worth running, and I do desire a long life of equanimity and community, and I don’t really know where else to go with my efforts. But the efforts, my energy and time and extension of hope, run thin. 

Agency is a fickle and fleeting thing for people like me. I hope I’m not too weak to make it out of this, but it’s a possibility. Sorry this message doesn’t resolve in overtly optimistic tones and for all the potential triggers. Apparently this is what I needed to get off my chest today.

xo

p.s. here’s a picture of my partner & our new cat to lighten the mood before I send you off feeling like I do. Kitter’s name is Luca. In darkness comes light <3

[balancingthewind]

Hi, I came across your blog via instagram. You write beautifully. I want to thank you for sharing aspects of your life in such a vulnerable way. Reading your blog at times is like taking words right out of my own mind. It’s amazing to see that others feel so similarly or struggle with things in ways similar to mine - though obviously everyone’s struggles and journeys are different. Anyways, just want to thank you for your beautiful words. No questions, just some gratitude. Namaste.

Wow, thank you so much for sharing. I’ve honestly been struggling to write lately but finally sat down knowing it had to be done... and found this. It really helps to know that this might actually be for something larger than the sake of sharing and venting, as valid as that need is. <3

[balancingthewind]

From Witch Crafting by Phyllis Curott, High Priestess