Sam

Finally putting this blog to use

[barnesburner]

When You Left - Chapter 2

You had it all. The man you were going to marry, the beautiful home you planned to move into, the bookstore days away from grand opening. Life with Steve Rogers was perfect. Until it all came crashing down. So what happens when your soon-to-be husband passes away unexpectedly and you’re left to pick up the pieces alongside his best friends, one of whom you can’t stand… right? Oh and one more thing, he was hiding a devastating secret that changes everything in an instant. 

Loosely based on the movie Catch and Release. Somewhat slow burn, enemies to friends to eventual lovers, angst, smut, female reader. 

Here’s the next part! This is somewhat of a slow burn and I don’t want to rush into anything, so this is definitely more story setup and world building. Let me know what you think! 

TW: mentions of depression, anxiety, death, and grief

Previous chapter

The next few days passed in a blur. My grief had been a manageable dull ache up until the funeral. Steve’s celebration of life solidified that he was gone and we were all okay to say goodbye. Now my grief felt all-consuming. It’s hard to explain the deep, dark fog that has taken over my body. I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. All I can do is picture the wonderful man I had always dreamt of being swept away by a force I couldn’t fight. It was too much to handle too soon. 

I know that it wasn’t just me that Steve had left such an impact on. It was evident in the large number of people at the service and the many sorrowful messages I had on my phone. He was someone great to so many. I don’t know how I can go on living a normal life knowing that the future we had prepared for was no longer attainable. I know exactly what he would say to me too. “One step at a time beautiful, I know you can do it”. It’s what he’d say to me every time I felt anxiety pushing its way to the surface. It’s what he said to me when Wanda asked me to open a bookstore with her and quit my comfortable administrative job. It’s what I know will eventually get me out of this fog. But not yet.

Just as I’m about to throw the blankets back over my head I hear a subtle knock on the door. “Y/N? You ok in there?” Tony asks sincerely. 

I debate not answering, but I couldn’t worry him more. “Yeah, Tony as ok as I can be,” I reply. 

“Ok well we’re getting worried about you kid, you think you could join us for breakfast?” he prods. “Please?” 

“I don’t know Tone, I’m not really in the sit down and eat breakfast like everything is perfectly normal kinda mood, yah know?” 

“Who said anything about normal? We can make the pancakes blue for all I care, we just want you to come out,” he responds. 

“Fine. But make them purple and you have a deal” I say trying to sound as enthused as possible to humor him. 

I hear him clap outside the door. “We got her ladies and gents!!” 

I shake my head and make my way to the bathroom. I look in the mirror and see someone I barely recognize. Tired and disheveled are the only things I can make out. I couldn’t even tell you what day it was, let alone how long it had been since I had gotten out of bed for more than a bathroom trip or a quick venture to the kitchen for something small. I hop into the shower to try and make myself at least somewhat presentable. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Well, well, well, looks like Miss Y/F/N Y/L/N has left the cocoon and blossomed into the beautiful butterfly we always knew she was”, Tony jests. 

“Oh shut it, Tony, I’m a beautiful moth if anything,” I reply, shoving him as I make my way to the kitchen table. 

I sit at my unassigned assigned seat and notice the wide spread of food placed at the table. I really hope the boys didn’t go through all this trouble when I didn’t know how much I could even really stomach. 

“Bon appetit!” Sam says as he places the last bit of food down, purple pancakes. I feel an ache in my throat.

“You guys you really didn’t have to do all of this” I say. 

“Nonsense Y/N, it’s the least we could do as you make our acquaintance on this fine Saturday morning,” Tony cheers. 

Holy shit it’s Saturday?! Had I really been in my depressive state for 5 days?

“Thank you both, seriously. I- I really don’t know how I would get through without you two” I say, teary-eyed. 

“Of course, Y/N, we got you” Sam says, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder, Tony nods in agreement. They both sit down and fill their plates, making sure I don’t skimp out on any of the delicious-smelling food before me. Maybe I did need some sustenance after all. 

For the first time in a few days, I felt calm and as happy as I could be. As a peaceful feeling washes over me, I realize the group is missing a certain gloomy giant. 

“Where’s James?” I ask. 

“He went out on a run or something,” Tony replies. No wonder I didn’t feel any extra annoyance this morning. 

“Look Y/N, we don’t know what happened the night of the funeral, and if you need us to kick his ass, we will. But he’s been having as tough a time as you. He lost his lifelong brother. No one understood that guy more than Steve,” Sam says, concern laced in his voice.

Fuck that hit me hard. Barnes had known Steve the longest and, truthfully, the best out of everyone. He was the love of my life, but he was also James’ person. It didn’t excuse the shit he pulled the night of the service, but it did make me think maybe I had been too harsh on him. 

“I know Sam. I just don’t know how I can deal with him on top of everything else. Wanda has been so understanding of everything and I feel like I have to get it together so we can finish the final touches on Book It before we open on Friday. The grand opening cannot be pushed another week, or we’ll lose the momentum we’ve built in the community. To add on to everything, my landlord has been on my ass because my lease was supposed to be ending tomorrow and I haven’t found a new place to live. He was so kind to extend my stay a few more days but I know I can’t avoid the move forever, and the new place just isn’t doable with my limited income,” I ramble, barely making any sense to the men in front of me. 

The boys exchange a knowing glance as if they had thought about my troubles extensively. 

“Well, we may not have the answer to all of your problems but we may be able to help your housing situation” Sam says. I give them a slight look of confusion. 

“Y/N, please move in with us!” Tony begs. 

I was taken aback by the request. Me? Move in? Here? What would that even look like? Would I have a say in household decisions? Would this be temporary until I find something else? Are they doing this out of pity, or do they really want me here? 

“I can practically hear you screaming from here Y/N, and don’t worry about all of the questions this is bringing up, we’ll figure it out together. All we know is we can’t imagine this place without you. We know that this isn’t the ideal situation for you, but we figure we can all help each other even if it’s until you’re ready to start a new chapter,” Sam adds, trying to ease the anxiety building up in my mind. 

“You don’t have to answer right now. Take all the time you need. Just, make sure your decision is for you and not us. We want you here but if it’s too much we get it kid,” Tony says. 

That’s all I needed to hear to know that this was a good decision and something that would benefit everyone. 

“Ok, I don’t think I need time for this. I want to move in,” I reply, hoping this was the best decision. 

The boys get up and hug me, cheering for my choice. I knew I needed my people around me and they needed me too. I wouldn’t be able to thank them enough for taking me in on such short notice and letting me grieve in the way I needed. 

“Thank heavens, hallelujah!” Tony shouts, doing a funny little jig. 

I laugh for what feels like the first time in a century. Not a forced polite chuckle, but a genuine laugh that was only reserved for the most memorable moments. Things aren’t the same without you Steve, but I know you brought us together for a reason. 

After a small celebration of our new household, the boys let me know they had to get back to their store before the town decided that Amazon was a better option for their appliance and tool needs. Steve, Tony, and Sam had inherited a hardware store downtown from an older couple that they had been working for since college. The boys knew that store like the back of their hand, and with the Lorenzos’ son wanting to be anything but a shop owner, it only made sense to leave it to the boys. It meant everything to them. Steve had added to his income through woodworking and furniture building, and he had gained quite a fanbase for his work. It’s what brought him out to Los Angeles from time to time when he had interested buyers. James helped Steve run an online store to gain popularity and it seemed to be a hit since Steve had been gone for weeks at a time the past few years. He was so proud of his work, and so was I. 

I bid Sam and Tony farewell and promised not to crawl back into the comfort of Steve’s bed. Instead, I decided to check a few emails and let Wanda know I’m doing better. She sends a string of relieved messages and a promise to stop by tomorrow with coffee. I tell her I can’t wait and that I miss her endlessly. 

A change in scenery other than these four walls might help me feel motivated to get my life in order. I decide to pour a small glass of wine, grab a book from Steve’s shelf, and head out to the porch. Only I find it already occupied by none other than the giant grump himself. 

James sits up a little and faces me. “Oh hey Y/N, sorry didn’t realize anyone was home” he says. 

“It’s fine, the boys went over to the shop for the day. I thought I could use some fresh air” you reply trying to remain civil. 

“Do you want me to get out of your hair?” he asks, a hesitant look on his face. 

“No, no, please stay. I think we can manage sitting outside in silence for a while. At least I hope,” you sigh, settling into the seat next to Barnes. 

“Look, I was hoping we could clear the air between us once and for all.” So much for that silence huh? 

“I wanted to apologize for my behavior the other night,” James continues. “It wasn’t fair to you or Steve. I am sorry and I hope that you can understand this isn’t easy for me. I don’t do well with… feelings.” 

You look up and see remorse clinging to James’ expression. You think back to what Sam mentioned and can see the dark circles around his eyes and the clear lack of sleep he must have been missing while you were hiding from the world. Ok, Y/N, what would Steve say? 

“It’s fine, Barnes, really. I know we haven’t seen eye to eye on many things but I think we can agree that losing Steve has been catastrophic for many of us. I know that you’re grieving too,” I say sincerely. 

A look I can’t quite pin darts across his face. We silently agree that this is enough to make amends for now and sit quietly for a while. 

“You know, you were probably the best thing that could have happened to him,” James shares unexpectedly. 

I look at him hesitantly. Is Barnes trying to… connect? 

“I may not have said it to you before, but I really was happy for you two. It just made sense. That he’d find a girl in this small town and build this perfect life with her. I never could convince him to move to the city,” he chuckled. 

“James, it’s ok you don’t have to try to win me over.” 

“I’m not. I could tell how much you loved each other. And I’m sorry I didn’t try to be around more. It was just so hard to see everyone moving on while I was still stuck on that battlefield mentally. I felt like I had to carry the lives of everyone we lost, and that finding happiness meant that I was forgetting the sacrifices they made,” he said earnestly. 

This was the most I had ever gotten out of the man, and it felt like one wrong word, one quick motion, would scare him off. So I decide to let him finish. 

“I can’t, I won’t do that to Steve. He wouldn’t want to be the reason I didn’t live the rest of my life to the fullest. So I’m going to stay for a while, if that’s ok. To make sure that everything is in order, and then I’ll be out of your guys’ hair. I know what having me around is like. I know what those guys think of me. I’m going to stay for Steve and leave for me. I just hope I can do right by him,” he whispered. 

His speech felt like a means to an end for him. Like after this visit, he would officially let go of Steve and disappear one last time. I thought this confession would leave me relieved, but my chest felt tight. I had misjudged Bucky so harshly. Steve, you son of a bitch I know you want me to make things right with him. How can I know that he isn’t trying to win me over so he can feel satisfied with how he leaves things? 

“James I- Steve was always so proud of the man you became after everything. I know he wouldn’t want you to feel this way and I’m sorry if we never let you in. The boys sympathize with you more than you probably think,” I say, trying to find the words that could fill even an ounce of the hole that Steve has left. 

I can see Barnes physically recoil into himself at the word sympathize. Shit, there’s that one wrong word to make our shoddy foundation crumble. My fiancée had warned me that James hated when he felt like someone felt bad for him. 

“I know who I am and what I’ve done. I’ve never shied away from that. I don’t need you to take pity on me now,” he replies. 

“That’s not what I’m doing Barnes. I’m trying here,” I insist. 

“Just, forget I said anything it was a mistake. If it’s ok with you I’d like to stay around for a bit, I won’t get in the way don’t worry,” he grunts. 

Great, so we made some progress just for him to shut everything out again. If that’s what he wants so be it. I won’t force him to connect with me. He can make his peace and be on his way.

“Sure James, take the time you need.” I murmured, grabbing my stuff and heading back inside. 

It’s impossible to get through to that stubborn man and frankly I don’t have the time to worry about it. I know grief is different for everyone but I can’t handle walking on eggshells around him while trying to pick up my own pieces. He can do what he needs and I’ll avoid him until he’s gone. 

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And that’s Chapter 2! Thank you all for your words of encouragement and hope this leaves you excited for more to come. Bucky and our girl have quite a few trials and tribulations to go through before they see eye to eye.

[barnesburner]

When You Left - Chapter 1

You had it all. The man you were going to marry, the beautiful home you planned to move into, the bookstore days away from grand opening. Life with Steve Rogers was perfect. Until it all came crashing down. So what happens when your soon-to-be husband passes away unexpectedly and you’re left to pick up the pieces alongside his best friends, one of whom you can’t stand… right? Oh and one more thing, he was hiding a devastating secret that changes everything in an instant. 

Loosely based on the movie Catch and Release. Somewhat slow burn, enemies to friends to eventual lovers, angst, smut. 

This is my first time ever publishing a writing so please please feel free to give feedback. I know this is definitely not crazy good so sorry in advance. Let me know if this is worth continuing or if I should do something else with my time!

TW: mentions of PTSD, depression, anxiety, death, and grief

Numb. Everything felt numb. Today was the day I was supposed to wear white and walk down the aisle. The happiest day of my life, so I’ve been told. Instead, this might possibly be the worst one. I traded my beautiful white gown for a modest black one. Swapped my glowy cheeks for puffy eyes. Exchanged my huge smile for a sorrowful frown. Standing in the midst of my fiancée Steve’s funeral wasn’t something I thought I would have to do so soon in life, let alone on the day I was supposed to be calling him my husband. Everything around me feels like a blur. I can tell everyone is looking at me like I’m the saddest case in the world, tiptoeing around me. 

I hate that you left me alone with all of these people, Steve. I know you didn’t plan to but you know I can’t stand to be the center of attention. It’s why we opted for an intimate wedding, only our closest friends and family. Instead, we’re celebrating the extraordinary man you were, tears in our eyes, reminiscing on moments that now feel like a lifetime ago. 

“Don’t you agree Y/N?” Steve’s great-aunt says with a sad look in her eyes. Shit, what did she say? 

“Oh I-” I began to form some string of words that could possibly comfort her. 

“Of course, Aunt Lin. Steve would have loved the hydrangeas that were selected for the service.” Sam, one of Steve’s best friends, replies and gives me a light pat on my back. I’ll have to thank him for the save later. 

Aunt Lin seems satisfied with this reassurance and turns to find her husband. 

“You ok?” Sam asks, concern on his face. I nod. 

“Yea- Yeah I think I need some fresh air.” I respond, nodding to the back door. Sam gives me a look, not convinced. He doesn’t push and goes to check on Steve’s mom who seems to be weeping in the kitchen. 

I head out to the back, walking towards the place under the dock I typically go to for an escape. Steve, Sam, and Tony all lived together in a house along Lake Celine. Steve and I had planned to move into our dream home later this month after the honeymoon. We had barely started the lease process before everything happened. I can’t afford to rent such a dreamy place on my own. We had talked about all of our firsts happening there. Our first night living together just us two, sitting on the floor with takeaway. A dog, whose name we had gone back and forth on until we settled on Honey. Saving for a home where we’d start our family. I shake these thoughts away and look out onto the water. Fuck Steve, I miss you. I know I can’t stay in my safe space forever; people will start to talk. 

As I walk towards the door to go back into the dreaded crowd I spot two figures on the side of the house. I see a woman with striking features and a man who I couldn’t quite make out.

“Wow, I’m so sorry about your best friend, handsome,” a blonde woman wearing a catering outfit sighs as she twists her hair between her fingers. 

“Let’s not talk about it. In fact, let’s not talk at all babe,” the figure says.

I groan after realizing it was Steve’s lifelong friend James Barnes. That asshole is really trying to get it in at a funeral?! The funeral of the only man who could stand to put up with his arrogant ass. The one man that stood by him after he returned from the army with extreme PTSD, depression, and anxiety. The audacity of that fuc-

Suddenly I hear the blonde giggle and see Barnes’ drop to his knees, looking like he’s ready to devour the woman above him. Nope, I’m out! I rush to walk up the stairs and slam the door. 

I never did like James Barnes much. He wasn’t very present in Steve and I’s lives after we officially began dating. We lived states away and Barnes had a tendency to disappear for months at a time, hardly traveling to visit from Los Angeles. Steve would visit him quite often, staying for weeks at a time when work needed him there. To my fiancée, James could do no wrong. They were truly brothers and I never faulted Steve for excusing away some of his best friend’s behaviors. 

Barnes has always been a ladies man, and his flings typically lasted long enough for the woman to expect more and him to disappoint them with an unwillingness to commit. James could charm pretty much anyone he wanted and he knew it. We bumped heads when he tried to put the moves on one of my best friends Wanda. Steve thought it was a great idea, suggesting a double date. I knew it would end in disaster. Ultimately, Wanda saw through the James charm and met her now-husband Victor. 

That was just one instance of many where Steve and I couldn’t see eye to eye about his friend. It caused some tension that usually lasted until Barnes went back to his cave or wherever he sulked off to. I loved when we would get radio silence. It meant Steve could focus on other aspects of his life and didn’t need to take care of James. Those months were usually filled with my most treasured memories. Late nights at the movies, barbecues with friends, cooking together, and slow dancing next to the glow of a fire. But then Steve would be pulled back to L.A. and the cycle would start again. 

The boys’ house began to grow quiet as the last of the guests trickled out, giving me one last look of sympathy and a promise to check in that felt more polite than genuine. I hadn’t seen Sam or Tony in a while and the silence that started to creep in was causing a crushing weight to enter my chest. I can’t be alone with this, not right now. Just as my breathing began to quicken a loud stomping pulled me from the dread.

“Y/N!” I look up and find Tony in huff. “We’ve been looking all over for you girl, whereeewere youuu?” He says, words slurring. 

“Tone, are you drunk?” I ask, shaking my head, a small smile spreading across my face. 

“Pshh nooo” he says, booping my nose. “Mmkmaybe a little or a LOTTT” Tony says swaying back and forth. 

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Steve always knew how to handle drunk Tony. He has a notorious track record in this state. Typically, Tony gets shitfaced and starts rambling about one thing or another, becoming a deadweight to whoever he’s near. I had been the victim of his antics quite a few times but I never minded. It was only when he seemed to lose all concept of his legs and I had to try to hold him up so he wouldn’t lose a tooth or two, that I needed some help. Steve would grab Tony, saving me from the man’s delirious state. 

“Y/N/N, I think we should dance, it’s what he would want” Tony demands avoiding saying Steve’s name out loud. “I know he wouldn’t be happy with us moping around. We should be celebrating the life he led for fucks sake!” 

“I- I don’t know Tone, it’s been a long day. I think we should get some sleep” I say gently to not upset the man in his drunken state.

Tony frowned at my statement. I can tell he was on the brink of collapse and I don’t think I have the energy to appease him. He begins to protest when I feel a presence behind me.

“Alright Tony that’s enough man” a gruff voice says from behind me. 

“Ohhhh fuck off Bucky. Don’t you have a stick to put up somewhere?” Tony laughs.

“It’s fine Barnes. I can handle him.” I say. 

“Can you? Last I checked Steve took care of almost everything for you.” Barnes says, irritation dripping from his words. 

“Seriously, we’re going to do this NOW?” I say, my voice beginning to raise.

Sam rounds the corner with a concerned look on his face. “Woah woah woah what the hell is going on in here?” 

“Sammy! Is bout time you joined us! Now we can all take a shot for Rogers and dance the night away.” Tony says, clapping his hands and walking to the liquor cabinet. 

Tony was probably handling this worse than all of us. He wasn’t good with grief and he experienced so much of it. The only way he knew how to cope was to throw a huge party, get shit faced, wake up with a debilitating hangover, and repeat. Only, this time the huge party was a celebration of life for one of his dearest friends. Not much of a party at all. 

Sam turns to me and mouths “sorry” as he gestures for me to sneak out while Tony was distracted. I silently thank him for saving me again and slip out of the kitchen. Sam was definitely the glue to this dysfunctional household, and I didn’t know what I would do without him. I hear Tony and Sam going back and forth on whether they were going to drink the night away or have a peaceful end to this sorrowful day. I knew who was advocating for which outcome. 

As I make my way down the hall to Steve’s room, it suddenly dawns on me that I’d have to sleep in there alone. I turn the knob and hear someone clear their throat behind me. Of course, the person I least want to see in front of me appears, same scowl on his face as usual. 

“James.” I say flatly. 

“Y/N” he says. “Look I don’t want to end today this way. I’m sorry for the comment I made, it was unfair and uncalled for.” 

I chuckle. “It was, but I wouldn’t expect much else from you.”

“Jesus Y/N, what the hell is your problem? I’m trying to make amends. I-” he sighs “-I know Steve would want us to be there for each other. All of us.”

“It’s fine Barnes. Let’s just forget it okay? In fact, let’s not talk at all. How about that?” I say, slightly raising my voice, hoping I make it clear that I know what he got up to with the catering waitress.

“What are you-” James stops in his tracks. “Shit Y/N, you didn’t-” 

“I did,” I huff, cutting him off. “And honestly I don’t give a shit what you do in your free time. But at his funeral James?! You really couldn’t keep it in your pants long enough for us to give him a proper goodbye?” 

James runs his hand through his hair, searching for anything he can say to excuse away what I witnessed. 

“You know what, forget it Barnes. I don’t know why I’d even expect more from you,” I spit, knowing the words cut through him as a guilty expression runs across his face. 

I don’t wait to hear what else he has to say as I pull open the door to the bedroom and slam it behind me. 

As I get ready for bed, I try to erase the anger I’m feeling towards James, but it’s easier said than done. After a few hours of tossing, turning, and crying, I finally fall asleep, wishing this was all some horrible nightmare. 

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If you made it this far thank you so much for reading!! This is the first time I had the courage to post and I hope it was enjoyable for a first chapter. Please please let me know if I should continue updating this. This is 100% my own writing and if there is anything similar to another fic it was not done intentionally. 

[aropride]

please god let chatgpt die out like nfts did. With a fast and graceless fall into irrelevancy

[bladespark]

Like to charge, reblog to cast.

[conservethis]

Casting with all my might

[mightnotfeelrealbutitsok]

I love that women like Jane Austen and Elizabeth Gaskell were out there in 1810 or 1855 unapologetically creating shippable couples and excruciating tension and swoonworthy moments in the most delicious slow-burn love stories. Like they were obviously drawing on their own desires to be able to hit the spot, to know what women want, and were writing to afford themselves and others a vicarious experience of love in a society that was probably pretty devoid of it. And here I am 200 years later, also a wistful romantic woman who needs escapism, still in agreement about what love should look like, and their otp is now my otp.

[shegos]

A Movie For Every Year I’ve Been Alive ↳ YOU’VE GOT MAIL (1998) dir. Nora Ephron

What will NY152 say today, I wonder. I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You’ve got mail. I hear nothing. Not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beat of my own heart. I have mail. From you.