Happy Great Gatsby Entering Public Domain! Let’s Talk Muppets.
You know you want it. It’s time. I have recently given this quite some thought, and I need this casting to be known. Hire me, Disney.
The first issue encountered is the most important: who is the lone human amongst these muppets?
The answer, obviously, is Tom Buchanan. Why? Because he is detestable, and no muppet deserves the dishonor of playing him. The role can be reprised by Joel Edgerton, who did a wonderful job playing such a terrible man. Other leading men or breakout stars can be substituted in.
Our narrator, Nick Carroway: In the tradition of A Muppet Christmas Carol, our narrator would be Gonzo.
Clearly he is the most normal muppet with his alluring proboscis and love of chickens. Clearly.
Nick’s brief love interest and local golf cheat, Jordan Baker: Rizzo.
Why? Because it’s 2021. Be cool. Also tell me you don’t want to hear the cacophony of Gonzo and Rizzo arguing about Rizzo cheating at golf and having a hilariously and yet touchingly rousing break up.
Southern belle and golden girl: Miss Piggy.
I feel this goes without a need for explanation.
The titular character and local nouveau riche heartthrob: Kermit.
Alluring. Mysterious. Charming. Secretly a softy with more pine in him than an Alpine forest.
Tom’s sensual side-piece, Myrtle: Animal.
Tom’s desire for Myrtle should be played completely straight. “WANT DOGGIE. WANT DOGGIE!!” “You want a dog? Alright, I’ll get you a dog.” they then proceed to trash an apartment. Added hilarity for the “DAISY, DAISY, DAISY!” line.
Myrtle’s unaware simpleton husband, George Wilson: Walter.
Seriously, this soft simpleton newbie muppet is a great choice to play another simpleton who has the gall to threaten Mr. Kermit himself.
Local mobster Myer Wolfsheim: Fozzy Bear.
Instead of human molars for cuffs, he has chattering teeth (also made of human molaaaars! Wakka wakka wakka!) The teeth chatter at random, inopportune times and send Fozzy jittering around the room by his wrists. This is my opus of this casting list.
The world of Gatsby is rich with colorful characters such as…
The dog Myrtle wants: Rowlf. He joins in the apartment party with Myrtle, Tom, et al.
Klipspringer, the talented organist, supposedly a descendant of Mozart: Also Rowlf. There is no explanation given for why he shows up in both places.
Mr. and Mrs. McKee et al: The entirety of The Electric Mayhem band. Who else would show up to party with Animal and have all the hot goss?
Owl Eyes/The man in the library: Dr. Honeydew and Beaker.
It should be known that Dr. Honeydew has no eyes, heightening the hilarity of this casting.
The Swedish housekeeper who cleans Nick’s cottage: Swedish Chef.
Party guests: Statler and Waldorf, who roast the party the whole time.
Pepe the King Prawn, a shady business partner of Myer and Gatsby.
Scooter, a Gatsby attendant who actually gets those parties up and running every night. Lots of bits of him trying to prevent property damage.
Gatsby’s mentor, originator of the “old sport”, Dan Cody: Sam the Eagle. You can hear it in his voice can’t you? Perfection.
Tell me you don’t want to watch this movie right now. I will write this movie myself if I have to.
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