Written In Silence

[be-you-bravely]

therapy

Have you ever had those therapy sessions that are so exhausting that you literally have to sleep it off? I came home after my session today, ate lunch, and crawled into bed for a couple of hours. 

We talked about a lot of topics today. We talked about being able to start letting go of some of the things my mom did as I was growing up. I talked about how the only attention I got was negative attention (from the SA, SH, anxiety attacks, etc) and I felt like if I let that go then what else is there? I rarely got positive attention it was all mostly negative. My T said something about creating new, positive memories. She asked me if I wanted to read the letter I wrote.. but I wasn’t able to do it today. I’m hopeful I will feel more ready to read it next week. 

We talked about how I’m scared to share some of these things because I will feel out of control. That I might cry or get triggered and that in those instances I need to trust that SHE can handle my emotions because I apparently don’t think I can. 

The big thing we talked about today was attachment. I told her the past couple of days all I’ve been wanting is to go to therapy and that scared me because it meant I was getting attached to her/therapy, etc. She told me that unless something happens, or she has a training, holidays, etc she would be there every Thursday and the space would be mine. We talked a lot about my fears of abandonment and just my views on friendships and relationships. 

We talked about my old therapist and the maternal transference and how what happened with that was not my fault... I brought it out into the room to be dealt with and she was unable to process it with me. That it was my therapists stuff and not mine that got in the way with it. It does kind of make sense... 

I guess I worry that since it happened with the other therapist it will happen again and it will turn out bad. I mentioned that and she said “Can you imagine how healing it would be to be able to talk that out?” I kind of feel like she is say to me, don’t worry. I got this and I can handle it if it comes up. I should have just straight up asked her. 

I think there is just so much shame for the things that make me ‘less than’. 

Finally, we talked about my messed up notion of how I don’t think I’m supposed to take up space because I’m overweight. I’m pretty sure I said... “Taking up space is a no brainer when you are thin”

blah. lots of emotions and I’m hoping I can read the letter next week because now I am kicking myself for not doing it. 

Anywho... thanks for listening my friends. I hope your week is treating you well. 

<3

[be-you-bravely]

Therapy was brutal today y’all.

[be-you-bravely]

Therapy TRIGGER WARNING CSA/SH

I’ve been putting off writing this for a week. Drowning myself in TikTok videos, Facebook posts, and instagram to avoid having to put myself through what I feel I need to do. I’ve been thinking a lot about my healing journey and I think that there is a lot of grief I’ve been avoiding. Grief in terms of not having the childhood I should have had or the parents I should have had. The loss of my innocence so early in my life. Finally... what will eventually, when I am able to let go of this nonsense, the loss of the me that was so wrapped up in trauma, hurt, pain, and anger. I know that the end result will be worth it beyond words. The idea of feeling free to be me without the crutch of trauma and all the dysfunctional thoughts and feelings that come with it feel so foreign to me. When I think about all the ways that all this hurt, pain, anger, etc has impacted me... it is overwhelming. This will require reconfiguring every aspect of my life and frankiy that really scares me. 

Over this past week I’ve come to realize there is a lot of anger in me that I have been refusing to acknowledge. A lot of it is anger towards my mom and I’m wondering if writing a letter to her, without sending it, will allow me to put them into the air and maybe out of my head. 

I guess I’ll try it and see how it goes. 

Dear Mom, 

I don’t truly even know how to start this. I guess I’ll start with acknowledging that you had a truly awful childhood. Your mom beat you, was emotionally and often physically unavailable, and she repeatedly let you know how much she didn’t want you. I guess I should be grateful that you didn't turn out like her. However, in the same moment that I think that... I remember once when I was much older and we were talking about the sexual abuse that I endured you told me “Well, at least someone loved you”. That wasn’t love and it never should have happened. 

I get angry when I think about that because perhaps if my 7-year-old self had known what a secure, healthy, and safe love looked like... she wouldn’t have been so okay with the hugs and touch from a familiar, yet sick man. I also remember the moment when I told you he was hugging me a lot and it felt weird. You told me... that it is because he loved me. Fuck you. 

No wonder I was confused. You never hugged me. I can’t remember you giving me hugs. All I can remember is the never ending warnings of bad things to come, the looks of disgust, the fighting and shouting, being the one who was tasked with being the glue of the family, and protecting you in the midst of fights with father. 

You were scared of everything. I think you really struggled with trusting yourself and wanting everything to be perfect. Both of those are things I struggle with as well. Instead of encouraging me to do things that brought me joy, even if the end result might not pan out perfectly, you warned me of all the ways that I could and would fail and instilled fear of safety and fear of failure. I’m scared of everything that I am not in control of AND don’t even trust myself to know how to keep myself safe. 

You often looked at me in disgust. I felt and still struggle with feeling like a disgusting human being. I often wonder if that is why I keep sabotaging my eating. Keep myself fat because I’m too disgusting for anyone to love me anyway. When you found out about the sexual abuse... I’ll never forget the look on your face.  I felt dirty and ruined and yet sat alone in my grief of wishing ‘the man’ was still around to shower me with attention. 

Remember when you caught me cutting for the first time? All you said to me was to clean that up and if I’m not careful my skin will become ruined and I’ll be made fun of. There was no acknowledgement of my pain, no attempt at connecting with me. Nothing. You turned around and closed the door behind you, leaving me to clean it up by myself. 

I hated when you would tell me I was just like my father. I hated him and you knew that. Even still, you would make a point to remind me how much I looked like him, how I was selfish like him, and how I acted JUST like him. You knew how to drop me when I was feeling somewhat okay... all you had to do was saying “stop being like your father” or “god you are just like him” and down I would go. 

I am so grateful you guys entertained my dream of riding horses. I firmly believe I would not be here without that outlet. I found I was good at riding horses and I found somewhere that I felt like I belonged. I had a family that was not blood and it was good enough. Except that you never went to any of my lessons, never went to my horse shows, and reminded me just how much of your money I was wasting by riding horses. I do know though, that even though I would come home and felt like I was a waste of space and something that made me feel alive was a waste... that I am very luckily you guys entertained it as long as you did. 

It is fucked up though that for the rest of my adolescence, young adulthood, and adulthood you refused to stop reminding me how much I wasted your money, time, energy, and space. The isn’t and wasn't fair. I didn’t ask for you two to fuck and create me. When you did that you took responsibility for me, my happiness, my safety, 

Honestly, when I think back. I wonder if you were jealous of me. Because during those days... father was around and he did go to the barn. He was constantly starting fights with you, throwing things, saying AWFUL things to you. I stood up for you though and began to argue with him to get the attention off of you. I’m not sure why I protected you when you didn’t even protect me. 

Let’s talk about something else. It was no secret you favored my sister. You guys would sit on each others bed, doing your nails, talking, watching movies, etc. I was never invited and felt generally ignored. Was I really that much of a trigger for you. You’ll couldn’t even enjoy me as a daughter? I often wonder if that is true because I know how it is to be triggered by your own children. 

It’s fucked up but I remember when I was in 8th grade I sat on the bus and wrote a poem about how I would tell you that I loved you and I would get that look of disgust from you. I often wonder what it was about me that left you feeling so… angry.

It was also no secret that I was hungry for touch, for love, for safety, and for acceptance. Mimi, the woman across the street. The one you accused of sleeping with father. She became a makeshift good enough surrogate mom. She would give me hugs, attention, we would talk, and she would let me lay with her and her kids in her bed and listen to music or watch TV. That is... until you took that away from me. 

I was banned from her house and I was devastated. You took her from me because you were jealous. It seems that you didn’t ACTUALLY want me but you didn’t want anyone else giving me attention and love either. This occurred again when I was 16/17 years old. This time it was Mrs. Kelly... she accepted my sexuality, she was kind to me, she loved me, and she gave me hugs. Until you once again got jealous and told me that I couldn’t be friends with your friend. 

I wonder if it still hurts when you think about the fact that you were so inept as a mother that I was looking for other people to fill that void.  I think that those two losses were some of the hardest losses ever. 

I’m ashamed to admit that I still do that now. I am constantly on the lookout for the next good enough maternal figure who can show me love, give me hugs, accept me for who I am, and give me a safe place to process my thoughts and feelings. 

My therapist said something interesting. She asked me what I needed in those moments when I was young and felt hurt, sad, angry, etc. I couldn’t answer her. I realize now though that what I needed was acknowledgment of the hurt, validation, a hug, and a safe space to process my thoughts and feelings. 

I guess there are a couple other things I need to bring up. It is so fucking hard when you are with me and the kids and you are capable of grand parenting them. You are still not able to give them the space to process emotions... as you shut them down in those moments. I try to correct you but then I'm being ‘too emotional’. 

I want to love you and have a somewhat close relationship. Unfortunately, it seems to be so wrapped up in shame, betrayal, hurt, pain, and anger and I just kind of feel stuck. I am hopeful that through this letter I can shake some things up to be able to let some of this go and begin to heal. We may never have the relationship that mothers and daughters dream about... but hopefully we can have something that doesn’t evoke so much pain and hurt from me. 

I guess I can thank you for teaching me to be resilient and resourceful. In your refusal to give me the things that I needed I learned how to get them filled in other ways. These ways are not helpful for me now but that helped me stay alive as a child. You also helped me see how I don’t want to parent my children. While I am triggered by them day in and day out... I realized that when my children are feeling upset... I give them the acknowledgment of their pain and hurt, I give them the validation to feel the way they feel, I give them a safe space to feel whatever they are feeling without punishment, and I always always give them hugs. 

I am proud of myself for working on these things to hopefully lessen the amount of my own trauma that my children will have to carry. 

One way to do this... is for me to forgive you. To recognize that perhaps you did the best that you could with what you had at the time. Married to a narcissist, never feeling good enough, your own load of trauma on your shoulders, and little to none self-worth. Can I let go of some of this? Not because it didn’t matter and that it wasn't painful.. but perhaps you really were doing the best that you could. Can I breathe it in? Let it fill the spaces in my body.

To end this. I don’t know think I will ever be super close to you and I think I need to stop trying so hard to take my sisters place now that she is gone to Tacoma. I realized I am doing that to make sure you feel okay... and its my way of continuing the cycle of wanting you to feel needed and okay. That was never supposed to be my job as a child and I am letting go of that need to ‘fix’ things. Sometimes things are just hard and we are sad and angry... and it is OKAY to feel that way. Having hard emotions is not a bad thing and we don’t need to constantly fill those spaces unhelpful behaviors. 

I’m going to breathe this in and let it go. 

[be-you-bravely]

ugh

It has been a really tough couple of weeks. I realized about two weeks ago just how depressed I am. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I haven’t been messaging people. I have been slacking on the chores on the house. It is hard to have the energy to keep up with laundry and stuff.  Last week with the kids was super hard. I’ve been getting really triggered by them lately. All this inner child work has me all jacked up. 

I’ve been waking up at midnight and crying for hours. I try to write my thoughts down and put it in my container... it does help some. I just get this overwhelming sadness. 

The other day I went camping and got drunk and I feel so ashamed. 

Work has been more challenging than usual. But my boss told me that I’ve gotten really good feedback from patients who put turn in experience sheets. Thats good I guess. 

Something happened when the kids were at my house and I felt like I was doing the exact thing my mother would do to me. 

At my therapy appointment yesterday, she asked me, in those moments... what did you need?

I told her I wasn’t going to answer her. I’m sure she finds me annoying and stubborn. I thought about it last night and I realized that I would have needed a hug, acknowledgment of what happened, permission to feel whatever it was that I was feeling, a safe place to feel those feelings, and validation. 

I realized that I did do those things for my son. I guess there is one good thing about being self-aware. 

I’m feeling about numb and boring and just... off kilter. 

ciao.

[traumasurvivors]

Childhood trauma can come from things like not being praised for your accomplishments, not being told you’re loved enough (or even at all), your parents showing favouritism to another sibling, or any number of things.

Your trauma is valid.

[be-you-bravely]

Therapy

I’m not even sure where to begin in talking about how therapy went this week. All I know, is that I know, for a fact, that the my therapist is absolutely the one I need for me at this moment. 

I merely brought up how I felt like I was stuck in the logical/rational side of my brain and as soon as I get near an emotion... I switch back to logical. We were working on my ‘container’ and she asked me if I feel as though I’m not in a safe space to process... can I store it in the container until I am. I asked... okay so then what is a safe space? I’m not sure I have one. She gestured vaguely to the room we were in... and I said... and that means I need to be able to trust you. 

I realized today that I am terrified of the things being messy and out of control. We talked about that some. 

I told her I was worried I’d cause things to be messy and that I might feel out of control. She said... “and that is okay. It is okay to be messy and to feel out of control in safe spaces”

Her next words were... “let me know how you feel about this. But I’m sensing that perhaps we need to change tactics and get you out of your rationalizing brain. Let’s play” 

I completely froze. I asked her what happens if I freak out? what if things get out of control and messy? 

She said “and if that happens we will work through it. there is nothing wrong with things being messy”

She said we could go into the play therapy room, we could do sand tray activities (they have a huge one and a room with all types of figurines), we could do art therapy, and/or we could play some games. 

I’m so nervous I won’t know what to do, or I won’t do it right, or I'll get out of control and mess things up. 

But she is willing to go there with me and that makes this inner child have a little bit of spark. 

I’m terrified but I feel the tiniest bit of hope that this could help me get unstuck... to get out of my reptilian brain and function more from my mammal brain or the neocortex. 

So... I guess we will play at my next therapy session. Or... try to. 

I’m freaking terrified. 

[be-you-bravely]

Morning thoughts

I was thinking of something just now. It began by me thinking about telling my therapist about how I don’t really think that I’ve got the maternal transference like I did with my other therapist because what I noticed when that was going on was that all I wanted to share was the bad things and I didn’t share anything good/felt embarrassed by sharing good things. Which I am comfortable doing that with her. 

This led me down a separate rabbit hole where... okay, like my childhood, I’d felt like I’d been abandoned and forgotten about. I just wanted to be and feel like I was noticed. Then the abuse happened and everything after that and well things got crazy. 

but maybe... the dynamic with my mom is that I’m still thinking that if I don’t have something going on then she will forget about me.  Because, its like this cycle. I’ll be doing really well... then I will jack up my money. So then I’ll need to ask her for money which creates this shame storm for myself. BUT I KEEP DOING IT. Maybe that's the link. I’m over spending the money because subconsciously I get anxious that without there being something going on (like being low on funds) then its like it will be ... oh does she exist? A who? 

I mean... I am always low on funds because I’m a single parent and a social worker... BUT maybe this is where the missing piece it. 

The only thing... is how to I work on that. Guess that's a question for my therapist. 

Anyway, I had to get that out so I could get the thoughts right in my head. 

[be-you-bravely]

Thursday is therapy day

and I’m getting that ever so obvious pull to explore the child-like part of me. I’m worried... as always. I’m worried if I tell her it won’t be received well. That I’ll be too much. That she will refer me out. You know. The typical worries. On the other hand... we have talked so much about attachment and she is incredibly well-versed AND we have talked about transference and counter-transference and I DO feel comfortable she is educated on it and be able to handle it. 

It isn’t like it was with my other therapist... yet. I know I need to do some inner child healing and the logical part of my brain is telling me that I am capable of meeting the needs of my inner child but there is still some sort of disconnect there I think. I know I don’t NEED someone else to perform that role for me. Honestly, knowing that, I think creates more shame for me. 

I think... also, that I’m fighting, in my head, the pull to allow myself to be comfortable and to lean into the therapeutic journey with her. Allow myself to be seen and truly truly vulnerable and raw. I don’t want to get comfortable and to ‘lose control’ of myself... and risk it happening again with this therapist. 

There I said it. 

But it IS getting in the way. I am getting in my own way. 

[be-you-bravely]

So this moment keeps popping into my head… I don’t know how many of you work as therapists but have you ever said something to someone that you had wished all your childhood someone would say to you?

A client and I were talking about her people pleasing tendencies and I said “your self-worth and loveability are not dependent on someone’s opinion of you. You are enough exactly how you are.”

I literally got nauseated after I left that session.

Damn. Look at me being the person I needed when I was young.

[be-you-bravely]

another thought

I feel like I have no idea who I am outside of all of these damn expectations. I really think it is getting in the way of me figuring out who I am. I’ve been so busy making sure I’m meeting everyone else's expectations of who I should be or am that I’ve completely lost my sense of self. 

Something I want to work on is being more... explorative in therapy. Exercising my voice of curiosity. The curiosity of being a child... I feel like I missed that part of my life. I don’t know. Is that something my Therapist would entertain? I’m ashamed to even ask. Is there room for ‘playfulness’ in therapy? Or practicing playfulness? That is a really foreign concept for me and it feels very much unsafe and out of control. Is play okay? It makes me nervous. 

[be-you-bravely]

Last night was rough TRIGGER WARNING CSA

Last night... I’ve never had a night like that... that I can remember. Memories are getting knocked loose and it freaking hurts. I cried for hours, about 5 hours. I’m not one to cry... in fact I very rarely cry. 

I called my father again and had to leave another message. I texted him... and nothing. 

I feel angry but I don’t know what to do with it. What does it matter? feeling angry. Whats the point in feeling it. There is nothing to do with it. It won’t change anything. 

I’m angry because while my mom and I’s relationship was never anything of substance. She had her blonde hair blue-eyed daughter and that wasn’t me. I felt like I’d been forgotten. My father... however we were pretty close until the trauma information got out. Then I was “disgusting” and then when I came out as a lesbian ... he was completely disengaged. I’m angry because of course.. when the predator gave me attention I kept coming back. 

Now, I hate my body. I feel like my body betrayed me by enjoying something so traumatizing. Now I can’t stay present in intimate moments and I even fear these moments. 

Now, I struggled with object constancy. I’ve never been diagnosed with BPD but the one trait that I have definitely do have is the object constancy. The idea is that its the opposite of object permanence so struggling with maintaining an emotional bond when there is distance or conflicts. 

Maybe I’ve got Quiet BPD. 

I was thinking about that last night as well. How I feel like if I don’t keep someones attention then they will forget about me. Is that because I always felt like I was forgotten about as a child. Is that part of being fearful of abandonment? I felt invisible. I feel like I need to keep people engaged or they will leave. I’m so tired of this. 

Now, I’m terrified to be in a relationship. I don’t feel like I can keep up with the expectations. Having sex on a whim, enjoying sex, keeping the house together, having dinner ready, being spontaneous, affording date nights. I just can’t keep it together and keep the persona up. Maybe it’s because I’m focusing on the needs of other people and not on myself at all. But if I don’t keep them happy then I’m failing. I don't feel like I’ve always been this way... or maybe it was never obvious because I went from one relationship to the next. I had never really been single for a long period of time. 

Lets talk more about expectations, when it comes to my parents I feel like I’m failing those expectations also because I can’t handle being around them for a long time. It’s too hard. I feel like I’m a terrible daughter because I can’t afford to get them presents. They probably think I hate them and I don’t... but I am angry. I just don’t understand. 

Then I started thinking about my last therapist. She used to give me hugs. I remember that we had talked about it. That I just wanted to feel cared for. We should have never started it. I remember that first time that she hugged me. I was so scared and torn and not sure. I know she was working on getting me to be able to ask for what I needed. But in that moment... I don’t think it was a good idea. Because then it helped grow that maternal transference and it also made me start reliving some trauma because that's how the sexual abuse started. Hugs. He would give me hugs. 

Going back to my last therapist... it got to a point that I didn’t want them anymore but I couldn’t say anything. So it just kept having it. I partially blame her because she was the one with more power than me... and I also am like... of course that happened. 

That was not a health therapeutic relationship. 

I really hope this therapist I have now can help me. Those thoughts of being too much are coming back which means I’m getting comfortable... and that is a bit terrifying. I do feel safe there though... or I am at least getting there. 

I think my brain is broken. 

Lets go back to expectations. Expectations at work... I feel like I am able to meet those... mostly. My therapist said something about maybe it is because I’m around people who have a common goal in mind and maybe that is why I’m able to ask for what I need and feel okay about those expectations. I feel like I am really good at putting a facade on though. 

My inner child is begging for someone to love her. to choose her. to help her feel safe and I’m not sure how I can do that and so I keep looking for other people to fix that. But the reality is that I’m not a child anymore and I can... in theory do that myself but I don’t know how to do that.  I still feel like I need someone else to help me feel safe and loved.

I don’t want my new therapist to become that next person. I don’t want to ruin it. 

Let’s go back to expectations again... what are my expectations for myself? I need to keep my house together. I need to be financially secure. I need to be able to afford the things my kids need; food and clothes. I need a good job with the benefits that help take care of myself and my kids (I am meeting that). 

I can’t keep my house together and organized. I don't know if that is ADD or depression or what. But I just can’t keep it together. I don't make the money I need to be making to keep up with the ids growth spurts... and the amount of food they need. They are always eating. 

I think when it comes to my expectations of myself I don’t feel like I deserve to have my children. The only way for me to feel that I do is meeting my expectations for myself. 

Also, if you have SPOTIFY and search for the playlist  “defeated” it is amazing if you need to take the time to feel your feelings. 

[be-you-bravely]

Gosh. I’ve been feeling so agitated the past couple days. Noises are driving me insane. Like loud noises. I kind of feel like I’m hyperaroused or something because I just can’t handle anything else.

I want to feel close to my therapist but I’m really nervous that it’s a bad thing. Or that I’ll do something wrong. Or say something wrong. In the last session I was so anxious and just agitated. It kind of felt like I was fighting feeling connected. Resisting it all.

I was going to do some big artsy fartsy thing when it came to my thinking about expectations. Then I was like wow. Look at me trying to win therapy. -head palm-

This is such a journey. I hope this therapist can help me finally heal.

[michaelbogild-deactivated202503]

Perfectionism most often leads to procrastination, not progress.

In trying to not make mistakes we don’t get to make the mistakes whose lessons will take us to the next level. (via michaelbogild)

[be-you-bravely]

Therapy 10/28/21

Therapy was rough today. This past week has been full of highs and lows and I can’t really make sense of it. Last Friday at work there was an announcement overhead stating that was an active shooter in the hospital. Thankfully that wasn’t exactly what was happening but a gun did go off during the struggle between a police officer and a patient. Nonetheless, being there are hearing the operators saying there was an active shooter on the floor that you work on was terrifying. Now though, whenever the overhead speaker goes off I jump and my heart starts racing, or if there are loud noises. 

This past weekend I worked and all of my groups were amazing. The clients who attended my group were amazing as a group and I say it over and over... groups can be absolutely magical. The healing that can take place when group members are able to be vulnerable and share in that space. It’s why I love what I do. A couple of the clients on the unit that I was doing some one-on-one sessions with made some AMAZING insights AND established some boundaries with other clients on the floor. I see why therapists do this work. It is absolutely amazing. 

Last Thursday was my dads birthday. I called him, which I never do, because him and I don’t really vibe much. But I called him instead of texting him happy birthday. He didn’t answer and his mail box was full. So I text him stating happy birthday and that I’d called but couldn’t leave him a message because his mailbox was full. He didn’t even respond. I actually put myself out there and he didn’t even respond. I asked my sister if she got a reply from him and she said that he’d text her a thank you text AFTER I’d called and texted him. Nothing for me. He also never said anything to me for my birthday in June nor when I graduated with my degree. absolute radio silence. This is something we talked about during therapy. That I am making assumptions about what happened. We talked about how I would feel if I reached out and he said the relationship was over. Or if he never texted me back. 

It’s strange. I don’t like him, he is my father and I care for him because of that, but other wise I don’t respect him or the things he does. But I would be absolutely devastated if he told me it was over. That he no longer wanted anything to do with me. That would fucking hurt and the idea that he might say that has me hesitating to even reach back out to him. I think I need to... but maybe I’ll do that closer to my next therapy incase it is something like that so I don’t completely lose it. 

I wanted to ask my therapist if I could take my shoes off and get comfortable on her couch and I was telling one my coworkers. She said to me “Why don’t you just ask her” and I freaking left my body and dissociated. Or something. Like I checked out. I don’t know what happened. It was for like 30 seconds if that because she was like.. wow of all the things I could have said I didn’t thing that would be the thing that would trigger you. But it did. Is it the idea of asking for things I need. 

Anyway, I was telling her the story and she said “absolutely you can take your shoes off and be comfortable... and also where did you go in that moment?” I loved that she answered the question. I’m feeling increasingly more safe with her. I think. But today’s session I was an anxious mess. I could barely keep it together We talked about all the above things but also about expectations and perfectionism. She wants me to journal about expectations. So... look forward to that sometime this week. 

What a jumble of a therapy session. I can’t help feeling just... really sad today. I think. Keep fingers crossed that this week is less... emotionally taxing. I’m exhausted. I told my therapist that I feel like I’m on the edge of the shallow/deep end of a pool. You know how you can feel yourself sliding down that slope and its a slow slide but you know all you need is some momentum and then your f*****. 

[be-you-bravely]

Therapy

So, as I mentioned a couple of weeks ago... I had a falling out with my last therapist. I knew it was coming. Like, do you ever sense the beginning of the end? I feel like I am often able to tell that slight shift... that leads to things falling apart. You know... that whole empath thing, that is really a trauma response. 

What I believe happened was that my old therapists boundaries became blurred. It was no secret that I was experiencing maternal transference. I even told her about two months before that I knew it was there. We never really talked about it though. It got to the point that it turned into a really negative maternal transference. I told her I felt like it was impeding my therapy. 

She told me she really cares for me and that she always had. That I reminded her so much of her. The last couple of sessions just felt so... weird. I was angry. I would be talking about something and she would interrupt asking me about my daughter. I started having dreams of her playing with my kids and in the dreams I was yelling “get the f*** out of my house”. 

Anyway, the last session I had was December 27th of last year... I told her I thought I needed to get a new therapist because we clearly weren’t able to work through this transference thing. I wanted to work through it. I swear I did. All she would say is... “okay”. Like no... ask me questions! Get me to better understand it. Help me move past this. 

So I canceled the remainder of my sessions and went without a therapist until March... and found my current therapist. 

She is really kind and soft-spoken. She is an LPC and Art Therapist. I wanted to try my hand at a different type of therapy to work through some of this crap. We are currently working on a container for my traumatic memories/negative thoughts/feelings, etc. 

I really like the way we flow and I’m glad I sought her out. I do feel like I’m starting to get really comfortable there... and it makes me a bit nervous. Those old attachment wounds ya know. 

I really like her... and I’m hoping we can do some really good work together. 

[be-you-bravely]

It’s been a long time since I’ve been on here.

I’ve gotten a new therapist. The one I had before began to have really… umm shady boundaries and everything got messed up. It’s a whole thing. I’ll post about it sometime.

I started with this new therapist in April of this year. I like her.

I’m done with school! I’m officially a MSW grad and am working in an inpatient behavioral health until as a therapist. It’s freaking wild!

[be-you-bravely]

An update

I’m in dire need of an update. Therapy has been going well. Going once a week and that seems to be doing the job. School is going well and yes... I’m still procrastinating. Starting my placement at my place of work which is good but not until March.

I really feel like I need to be writing in here more often again.

I’m struggling with something. Big feels super weird. I feel as if it is a trauma response. The past couple weeks I’ve been thinking about my sexuality... not really saying I need a label but I’ve realized that my decision to consider myself a lesbian is based on a fear response. I find that I can’t connect with men... or I say that anyway. But what if I’m mentally blocking myself from finding any sort of meaningful connection because I’m terrified. Then I think about what it means when I say I’m scared of them. I’m scared of their sex drive. How strong they are. The idea that sex is an act in which they “take” something from me. <— not at all an accurate representation of what sex should be. But that’s the thought that’s there.

I brought this topic up last Friday with my therapist and while I wasn’t really ready to dive into it I know there is a ton of work to do in this are.

I love and are attracted to women and I’m attracted to men. My problem with this is if I’m making a choice on who I want to connect with and potentially find someone to partner with me... based on a fear response.

Lots of work here to do.

But I’m constantly amazed with how the mind bring things up when you are ready to tackle them. Or how things that you hadn’t thought about in months just pop up once you’ve worked on something else and it has freed up the space for you to work on it.