[kotortwo]

got fired from being the entertainer at a bachelor party for twisting the groom-to-be's dick into a poodle shape

[json-derulo]

sitting my white ass down and listening

[icecreamwithjackdaniels]

Frank Paton (English, 1855–1909), "Witness my Act and Deed", 1882

[sockiepuppetry]

Ok

[madredhattie]

turtle school

[madredhattie]

[ntrider]

giving increasingly loud sighs as I wait for my crush to ask "what's wrong?" so I can say I'm in a state of depression unless I can touch someone's boobs with no bra

[ntrider]

I stop once I start getting short of breath

[aokozaki]

[Your crush, on the phone to someone unseen] Yeah I think she needs to be put down, her breathing-- yeah I know it can be a problem for her breed, but it's getting really bad.

[ntrider]

I'M NOT A DOG??????

[aokozaki]

[clearly less interested now] Oh.

[ntrider]

wait! au au

[aokozaki]

[walking over the distant horizon, towards the West]

[ntrider]

AU AU!!! AU AU!!!!! 😭

[mellosdrawings]

Yurifies your trolley problem <3

[baking-accident]

ghost character that goes “oooooh” and rattles chains, and eventually we see a flashback to when they were alive and constantly went “ooooooh” and rattled chains, surrounded by regular people at the office

[ewaneneollav]

*sits up in bed, stretches, yawns* it’s another beautiful, glorious day full of opportunity a- *ominous bell toll and i am instantly replaced with a 10,000-year-old mummy sitting in the exact same pose*

[strike-another-match]

overhearing my neighbor rant on the phone top of his lungs and his friend is saying something in calm voice and he goes NO. NO NUANCE. STOP SAYING NUANCE. MY BOSS NEEDS TO DIE

[eremitical]

costco should sell weed i want to smoke kirkland signature strain

[wolfythewitch]

all all all

[sticker-stars]

a friendship so epic that it saved stars

[calm-before-the]

“covered in blood” is an ideal state for a girl to be in if you see a girl covered in blood you know she is having a good time

[cupsofjade-deactivated20250509]

[rrcenic]

grace meets adrian

[joodlesofdoodles]

dunno about you but I distinctly remember this happening

[osfi-am]

what a surprise

[wyrmicelli]

me tongue-deep in a sandalwood candle: 🤤

the tjmaxx employee loading a fourth tranquilizer dart into their blowgun: i need backup

[snowown]