- it doesn’t get better, you just learn to focus on the parts that aren’t as shit
- two years later ‘i miss my mum’ isn’t an excuse to skip class or work
- it should be
- grief doesn’t come in five neat stages, it comes in a tangle of knots going back and forth between the five
- life goes on even in the couple of days between dying and the funeral service. children need to be fed, you need to be fed. you’ll be hungry, you’ll be bored, you’ll talk about nonsense, you’ll even laugh, don’t feel guilty.
- you will feel guilty
- nothing will prepare you for what it’s like to see a dead body
- if you’re not comfortable seeing her, that’s okay.
- if you want to spend every second you can looking at her, that’s okay too.
- only you can make the right choices for yourself on how to deal with this
- no one, not one person you will talk to, will ever understand how you feel
- not even your siblings
- especially not your siblings
- you forget sometimes
- and then you’ll be in a supermarket thinking you need to ask her what else she puts in that recipe
- and then you remember and you need to take a minute, but you’re in the middle of an isle and you’re in the way. people don’t care your mother is dead
- there is never a right moment to tell new people in your life
- all the wise words you were told mean nothing
- and still one day you’ll be sitting in a cafe with your friend and you’ll be telling your friend those empty words
- the most powerful thing people will say is ‘i don’t know what to say’
- you will be lonely
- you will be angry
- you will be sad
- all of this is okay
- there is no right or wrong pace for grief. grief doesn’t have a timeline.
When you're googling Google for your Buffy fic to figure out whether the characters would be using Google in the summer of 2000 and then the Wikipedia entry for 'Google (verb)' includes this:
i’m going to say something so brave and controversial on this gay sex blog and it is that the episode of New Girl where Nick and Jess get locked behind the iron curtain until they kiss but they WON’T because they are TOO IN LOVE and Nick is like ‘not like this’ and jess doesn’t know what he means and then at the very end of the episode he just GRABS her and KISSES THE SHIT OUT OF HER and then he says ‘I meant something like that’ and just WALKS OFF is one of the greatest romantic episode arcs on tv ever. fucking perfect no notes sometimes straight people do good stuff after all.
if you are a parent, or may become one, or you are otherwise likely to arrive in the situation of caring for a child while they eat, promise me this: if a child doesn't like a certain food or food group, you will ask them WHY. and specifically, you will pay attention to either confirming or ruling out "it makes my mouth itch" or "it makes my stomach hurt," both of which are medically important info that children may not provide unprompted. which i know because this PSA has been brought to you by "i spent my entire childhood and much of my early teens eating peas and lentils while wondering why everyone else liked the Violently Itchy Mouth Sensation so much, like were they a bunch of legume masochists or something, before i finally realized that Violently Itchy Mouth Sensation was in fact a sinister demon appearing only to me, and her true demonic name was: Legume Allergy"
You ever think about how old people have no idea what “survivor bias” is, and take full credit for being excellent out of things where they lucked out?
“Back in my day we didn’t have any of these childhood protective things, we were smart enough not to do stupid shit on our own!”
Except your little neighbour, who got the funniest idea at the age of seven, and got his skull pierced when he slipped?
“Back in my day nobody got divorced, we stuck together and fixed our problems!”
What about your cousin, who was slowly killed by her husband because she had nowhere to escape him?
“Back in my day nobody had ‘mental problems’, we didn’t whine, we just toughed it out and endured life!”
Hey remember that guy you used to work with, who seemed really friendly and normal, and then suddenly hanged himself ‘for no reason’?
“Back in my day we didn’t have any of this ‘gay’ or ‘transgender’ thing.”
You did, but your family cut all ties with her before you were born.
You kinda start seeing it in everything they think, if you start looking for it.
To be clear. Shane's whole thing about Ilya being a Sex God is because of the limerence. Ilya is nineteen and he can get a rhythm going and that's about it. He was throwing shit at the wall when he hit that 'Get on your knees' in Nashville but only he knows that because Shane's brain turned OFF. Ilya said "Let's do a little experiment here" and the results were "Oh my god oh my god oh my god." Shane came hands free because he was that obsessed with the idea of Ilya Rozanov being inside him. Ilya said "Do you like that do you like that" because he's nineteen and he needs the validation and Shane was like "YES YES YES I LIKE IT OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO DEEP YOU'RE SO GOOD" and objectively. It was okay. Ilya fully did not know where to put his hands a couple of times. He forgot about Shane's dick. Luckily, Shane is God's special angel who can come from the idea of Ilya's cockhead being in proximity to his prostate a few times. Mind over matter, says Shane Hollander's dick. And then Ilya said "Oh God Hollander" because it was also, objectively, one of the hottest things that had ever happened to HIM, Ilya Rozanov. Shane sits on that step afterwards plotting about how he's gonna get this over and over and over again for the rest of his life and he has no idea that there are women in Boston who have Ilya listed in their contacts as "Hockey Guy 6/10". Shane Hollander cannot fathom a world in which Ilya Rozanov doesn't lay the maddest pipe this side of Lake Michigan. "Ilya Rozanov is a some kind of nineteen year old sex God" No Shane honey he was just designed in a lab to score goals and make you cum and he's done scoring goals for the night.
I'm a firm believer that Cliff Marleau had to be told that Shane Hollander and Montreal Jane were the same person. I am of the belief that when the Fanmail video leaked, Cliff thought "oh, it must not have worked out with Montreal Jane but my boy bagged Shane fucking Hollander, so it's fine." He does think it's a little funny that both of the people Ilya's been seriously involved with are based in Montreal but he still doesn't put it together.
Irina is a smart and curious child with big dreams. She gets into figure skating. She’s good, she wants to be the best. In her late teens she gets a boyfriend. He’s good at first, sweet, but soon starts getting jealous and controlling. Every time she’s not with him, she has to tell him what she’s doing and with whom. She stops going out, she gets more and more isolated. She’s with him all the time. It’s not enough. When she arrives 5 minutes later than the agreed upon time, he accuses her of cheating and hits her.
She’s 19 now, she hasn’t been with him for almost a year. She’s doing better. Her mother asks her if she doesn’t want to start going out again. She means well. She’s so beautiful. She meets an older man. He isn’t as sweet as her first boyfriend was, but look where that got her. He treats her well and clearly cares about her. He works for the police and is well connected. He’ll protect her.
She’s 20 now and pregnant. She wanted to try figure skating again. Or maybe go to college. Grigori keeps calling her a silly girl. He tells her she only has to make him look good. She’s so pretty. She just needs to not embarrass him. Can’t she see how the other wives behave? How is it so difficult to organize a party? Doesn’t she have everything she needs?
Alexei is born and she’s so tired. She doesn’t know what she’s doing wrong. She wants her mother but Grigori barely lets her see her. Alexei is a difficult baby, she thinks. He cries all the time. She can’t get him to eat. She can’t get him to sleep. She has barely slept herself. ‘How is this so difficult for you?’, she hears, ‘every woman does it.’ She dreams of disappearing.
Alexei finally sleeps for a few hours and meal time is easier now that he eats solid foods. She likes spending time with him. But he needs her too much sometimes. There’s something in him that reminds her of Grigori. She doesn’t dwell on that; she can’t resent her own child. She dreams of having her own house, of skating, of going to school again.
Grigori thinks she spends too much time with Alexei. He’s a big boy now, he shouldn’t need his mother so much. He starts getting jealous of his own son. She leaves Alexei crying sometimes; it’s better that way. She needs to pay attention to Grigori.
Alexei has a fever and Grigori tells her to get dressed; they have a party to attend. She tells him no; she will stay and take care of her child. He grabs her, locks her in her room, and reminds her of her place in the house. She can hear Alexei crying, a weak cry. She starts screaming and banging on the door, she has to get out. Something breaks and she can’t hear Alexei anymore. Her throat is raw from screaming when the door is open. ‘You will remember what I can do.’ She doesn’t say no again. She starts thinking of her plan to leave, she will try to take Alexei. She will be good for now.
She’s pregnant again. She can’t sleep; she can’t eat. Alexei is acting strange, has more tantrums. He’s cruel sometimes, he keeps reminding her of Grigori. She can’t have another son. She will not survive all the crying and sleepless nights. She keeps making monsters. She mustn’t think that. Alexei keeps asking for her attention. Grigori reminds her she needs to spend time with him; she is not to lock herself with her child again. She needs to leave. Her life is over. She will never escape now.
The moments she has alone, she keeps talking to her son. Ilya, she will name him. He’s her only comfort now. She begs him to please help her. He can’t be difficult. She will do her best to protect him, but he has to be good. She tells him her fears, she confides in him. She’s terrified. ‘Please don’t be like your brother, please.’ She loves Alexei, she does. ‘I won’t survive if you are like him.’ She will need to find a way to leave.
Ilya is born. He looks like her. He’s a sweet baby, nothing like Alexei. He eats when she asks. He sleeps through the night. He never cries. She worries about that sometimes but when she looks at him, he looks well. Big eyes focused on her. He’s starting to smile now, every time he looks at her, he smiles. She can’t help but smile back. She continues to talk to him, tells him all her worries, asks him to help her. He’s all she’s got.
Alexei is getting more difficult now. He never stands still, always running, always breaking things. Grigori doesn’t like that, tells her she doesn’t know how to raise him. Alexei gets in trouble in preschool, he’s hitting other kids. The teachers say he’s a cruel boy. Grigori makes him change schools. She wonders if they were right, if whatever is wrong with Grigori, whatever is wrong with her that makes her hate her own child sometimes, has been passed to him. But then she sees the way he is with Ilya, so gentle, so careful, always making him laugh. Ilya can’t take his eyes off him, always trying to copy him. Ilya’s first word is Alexei’s name. Ilya is like that, bringing the best in everyone.
Ilya is 3 now. He loves playing with mama. They are picking flowers outside when he sees Alexei. He rushes to him and offers him the prettiest one, tall and golden yellow with pink on the outside. Alexei doesn’t even look at it and shoves him to the side. His father is right behind, an angry look on his face. He pats his head and goes inside. There’s loud noises. He looks at the ground and the flower is destroyed. His mama is hugging him and that’s when he notices he’s crying. ‘Forgive him’ he hears her say, ‘he doesn’t know how to do better. Maybe we can make him a drawing to cheer him up.’ At night he goes to Alexei’s room to give him the drawing but he doesn’t go in. He notices some bruises on his wrist, like he sees in mama sometimes. He wonders if she noticed.
Mama is lying in bed. She had been there with her eyes open for a few hours, the way she is sometimes, when he went to her. She’s petting his hair now, it’s nice. ‘Have I ever told you about the boy I dated before I met your father?’ He hears her talk about a man who’d scream at her and hit her. She tells him about leaving him. She seems so small, her eyes are on the ceiling, her voice goes on. He closes his eyes and hugs her. ‘What is wrong with me to keep choosing this? How can they sense it in me?’ She is the strongest person he knows. He can hear Alexei turning up the volume of the TV in the living room.
Ilya started hockey lessons. He loves how fast he can go, it’s like he’s flying. His father goes to see him sometimes, it’s the only time he’s seen him smile at him. He prefers when he goes with mama, she always tells him he’s the best. The coach is talking to his father now. He has his ear to the door but he can’t make out any of the words. When his father opens the door he doesn’t say a word. Later, he takes him out to eat ice-cream and tells him he’ll be the best no matter what it takes. It doesn’t feel good like when mama tells him, it feels like an order.
Yesterday kids at school made fun of him for playing with flowers. They say he’s like a girl with pretty curly hair. But they don’t say it kindly like his mama when she tells him he’s beautiful. They say it with fists and kicks that left a bruise on his tummy. So he decided, today he will not be going to school. Mama finds him in bed, he tells her he’s scared. ‘Yes, it’s scary,’ he hears, ‘but you’re brave.’
He’s alone at school today but he prefers it that way, no one bothers him. He sees a girl coming his way and he wants her to leave. He will not be rude though, so he just makes a silly face at her. She beams, takes his hand and says ‘you’re such a stupid boy, I’m Sveta’ They are running now and he never wants to stop. He thinks he loves her.
Alexei has been watching TV for over an hour now. He promised Ilya he would play with him, so Ilya decided to turn it off to remind him. He’s chasing him through the house now, but he’s not mad, he can hear him laughing. He turns back to look at him smile, when his father opens the door. It hits him and he falls to the floor. He’s never seen his father so angry. Two punches followed by a whimper and his brother is on the floor. ‘You should know better, you can’t let him do whatever he wants.’ ‘Yes papa, thank you papa.’ His father leaves without looking at him. Ilya reaches for his brother, he wants to comfort him, but gets shoved away. There’s blood on his shirt now and an ache on his ribs. Good, it’s him who deserved to get hurt.
He’s going home from school when some older boys show up. He knows they are trouble. They are going after him, and he’s running as fast as he can when Alexei shows up. He can rest now, Alexei will always protect him.
He’s trying to skate but his legs are too heavy. He’s too hot and too cold at the same time. His head hurts. Keeping upright is hard but he knows if he sits down, he will not be able to stand up again. He throws up and his coach is calling him. He will be calling his parents. ‘Please don’t, please don’t’, he dreads seeing his father’s face if he has to leave early. It’s his mama who picks him up. The way home is hard, he’s too tired. She helps him get into bed. He’s burning up. ‘He’s lazy and a liar, you can’t believe everything that boy says, you’re turning him too soft,’ he can hear his father’s voice on the phone. His mama comes back. She gently rubs his back, his face, his wrists. ‘No Ilyusha, he loves you.’ He falls asleep.
His father is screaming at mama. He can’t make out all the words but it’s enough; ‘sissy, soft, you’re ruining him.’ He grabs her and pins her down, red, angry face so close to hers. He’s at his father’s back, tiny fingers trying to hold his hands; he’s in the air now, being taken to the bathroom. He locks Ilya in there. He can hear everything in the other room. ‘I’ve calm down, papa. Thank you, papa.’ He opens the door now, he can leave. He’s on his mama’s bed, can feel her making soft circles on his wrist. Later at night, when he can hear his father snoring, he goes into their room. He crawls to his mother’s side and notices she’s looking at him, tears in her eyes that won’t fall. He lies on the floor and holds her hand, watches her as she falls asleep. It becomes a habit; he always has to check on her.
Alexei broke a window playing football. He’s not breathing right, words scrambled on their way out of his mouth. ‘You have to tell him it was you. He won’t hurt you.’ Ilya can still see his father’s hand on his arm.
Ilya got punched today, some boys at school who didn’t like him. Sveta is helping him clean his wounds like she has done so many times before. Alexei sees him and Ilya feels a little safer. ‘When will you learn to toughen up? Such a fag.’ Sveta kicks his shin.
Word gets around that Ilya is the best at hockey. He’s bigger now, stronger. Boys don’t mess with him anymore. He’s learned that he can be loud and mean, and everyone wants to be around him. He’s never felt more alone.
His father is going to hit his mama, he’s sure. He raises his hand and Ilya holds it. ‘Stop.’ His father is looking at him, twists his arm. It hurts but he doesn’t show it. It gets him to stop. ‘My sweet guardian angel, you will always protect me,’ his mama tells him. ‘Promise me you’ll always be my sweet, soft boy. He can’t take that from you.’ He turns his head away from her, tears running down his face.
He’s beating records now. He can hear his coaches saying he’s the best they’ve ever seen. He remembers skating for the first time with his mama. He will get her out of here, he will be the best and make sure they will escape.
His mama spends days on her bed, not moving, barely eating. He talks to her one day, asks her if she’s ever thought of leaving. ‘I can’t leave you Ilyusha, you’re my reason to stay.’ ‘Take me with you,’ he doesn’t say.
His mama is having a good day today. They spent the whole morning together like when he was little. They have to go to school in the evening, Alexei is receiving an award. It’s almost time, he’s changed his clothes. His mama is napping but he’ll have to wake her. She won’t move, she won’t breathe. She’s holding her necklace, he’s holding her. There’s a ringing in his ears, he can hear a high, ragged sound but he can’t tell where it’s coming from. His father is in the room now, telling him to move. His feet won’t cooperate. He gets pushed away. ‘This was an accident,’ his tone brooks no argument. In his own room, he realizes his throat is raw. He looks at his hand and sees the cross staring at him. ‘You’re free now. You should have taken me with you’, he doesn’t say.
Alexei won’t look at Ilya anymore. Ilya keeps practicing and he’s getting better and better, no one can compare to him. Alexei won’t look at him. His father brings him to parties, introduces him to all the right people. He will be a star. ‘I have to keep him in line, he gets lazy otherwise.’ Alexei is in a bathroom somewhere hooking up with a girl and doing coke. He still won’t look at him. Ilya gets more and more popular. Alexei will join the police, like father did before. His father won’t look at Alexei.
He meets Sasha. He likes him. He’s fun and Ilya can be fun with him. People enjoy when he’s fun. Sasha can be soft too, in his own way. Ilya appreciates that, he hasn’t been soft in a long time.
Ilya starts hooking up with girls sometimes and he’s having fun. They like that he doesn’t care and when he’s a little mean. He prefers Sveta though, they can cuddle afterwards.
He sleeps with Sasha and that’s a different rush. He feels unstoppable. He’s the best, even Sveta thinks so, and she knows more than anyone else.
He knows he’s good but now he’ll have an opportunity to show it too. Shane Hollander thinks he can’t see right through him, but he won’t act so nice once Ilya beats him. He knows what he’s like, perfect, golden boy, from a perfect, golden family. He’s not used to competition. But why does he seem genuine then?
Hollander is good. Not as good as him, but good. Playing is fun again. And he’s learning that teasing him is even more fun. He keeps thinking about him, but that’s only because he’s not used to having someone on his level.
He gets drafted first. He is the best like he promised his mama. He escaped, but he isn’t free.
Hollander is a surprise. He’s never had this much fun with anyone else. He’s a risk and that’s part of it. He keeps feeling wrong-footed, he doesn’t follow the same script as everyone else. He hides so much and yet he’s so genuine. He can’t stop poking him, and poking him, and poking him. And Hollander lets him. Seems to like it. It’s exhilarating.
He needs to be pushed, to be teased, to be touched. But he also craves gentleness and softness. Ilya can give him that without it being more.
He sees his face on a stupid ad. He wants to text him. He had a good practice today. He wants to text him. He’s making friends, and going out. He wants to text him. He texts Sveta instead.
Hollander wants him, that’s clear. And that’s good, he’s used to being wanted, he likes being needed. He can give him what he wants. He can make it fun, so Hollander will keep coming back.
Ilya is back in Russia. His father is getting sicker, Alexei is unbearable, only talks to him to ask for more. Ilya almost hit him today. He really is his father’s son.
Ilya needs Hollander, wants to text him. But he’s reminded of the poison that is his family, he’s reminded of the risks. He won’t risk Hollander.
He wins the Stanley Cup. He escaped, but he still isn’t free. ‘For you Mama, it was always for you.’
Hollander still wants him and it gets easier to breathe. He likes how he reacts to his teasing and it’s good sex, that’s the only reason. No point in stopping, it’s just having fun and they both clearly enjoy it. He won’t ruin him though, he won’t get close, there’s no reason to. Ilya dreams of an escape, but he will just keep hanging around for as long as he wants him to.
It keeps being fun. He’s never felt more alive. Playing is better than ever. He goes out, his teammates like him. He’s popular, everyone wants him. He’s not hooking up with random people as much but that’s because he’s feeling better than ever, he doesn’t need it as much anymore, and that’s the only reason.
He wonders what Hollander is doing, what he's eating, what he's reading. He collects little pieces of information, how he looks when he focuses, how he talks to reporters and how he chirps on the ice. He wants to know.
He’s counting down the days to meeting Hollander. He’s texting him. He thinks it would be good to hang out with him more, outside of sex. He wants him to stay the night. He wants him to drink the ginger ale he bought for him. He wants to cook him a meal and he wants him to eat it. He wants to kiss him. He wants to hold him. He wants and wants and wants.
He learned that he can’t want things a long time ago, but he’s stupid, it takes too many times for it to truly sink in. Every time he sees Shane with her, he’s reminded of the same lesson. He wasn’t made to have, only to give.
He knows Shane wants him, he’ll just have to accept that it’s only for this. He can be fun, he can give him that.
Seeing Shane again is better and worse than he could have anticipated. He can’t stop looking at him. Maybe he can have him again, and without her, which is better than he imagined.
Shane wants more, but he doesn’t understand. Ilya isn’t that, he isn’t big and fun and laid back, he’s broken, and small, and scared. He can’t want that, so why does it feel like maybe he can?
His father dies and he has no reason to see his brother again. It should be freeing, he’s not sure why it doesn’t feel that way.
He calls Shane, he always wants to talk to him. For once, he is the one who wants more, more, more, but he’s learning to be happy with what he gets.
He can’t breathe. He wants to go to him and hold his hand. He’s not moving. Is he breathing? He needs to get to him. His feet won’t cooperate. He gets pushed away. Everything his heart touches dies.
He’s fine and smiling and relaxed. He is okay. He will be okay. He wants to comfort him. He wants to give him everything he asks for. He can’t tell him no, but he doesn’t know how to make this possible.
Scott Hunter is kissing a man and he hopes. Maybe he will be free.
He’s scared, but he can be brave, he can be soft. He’s trying, he shares little by little and Shane catches him. He can be loud, and fun, and mean, and scared, and small, and soft. He’s always there. He looks at big sad eyes with tears that won’t fall and he remembers. He hears him laugh and sees him smile and he remembers. He wants to hide, but he’s held and he remembers. Shane looks at him and sees him and he remembers. He can be loved.
