Can you be happy and still want to commit suicide?
In the past I have had issues with depression and wishing I could die. Recently have I have been very happy with my life and where I am. I came out to myself and my brother and sister. I have yet to come out to my parents (various reasons I won't go into right now). I have been getting active and walking in an effort to lose weight. And with the added benefit that would change my mood for the better. The other benefit is that I will feel more confident with me and be more attractive to the ladies.
All this has generally changed my outlook to a positive happy one and I have been thinking lately of suicide. It is a thought that has crossed my mind the past couple of days. I have been happier lately than I have been for a long time. With this thought I began to wonder if there have been cases of where people have committed suicide because they were happy. BRB…will Google it.
Well it is just as complicated as I thought it would be to find that information. Now why would I even be wondering something so final? Because I want to commit suicide and the reason is because I am happy. Why would I want to do that? If I am happy then I shouldn’t want to commit suicide. Well I figure it is because of these reasons.
I am coming out of a major depression due to many stressful changes in my life and have not opened myself to share with the people most important in my life.
I don’t see myself getting any happier or even staying that way, and so I will fall back into the depths of despair. So why get that bad when I can go when I am happy?
I am about to get severely depressed again.
I am tired of being depressed and would like to leave on my terms.
And I am still really depressed and tired of being this way (not being able to recognize the depression in myself) and just want it all to end.
I don’t want to die. But I don’t want to be sad or down anymore. I am so tired of this. Dammit!! I am done with all this depressed shit. I don’t want to die. I want to see what life has for me. I want to love and be loved. I know that I will feel bad again and that I will fall. But I must try to remember that it does get better. I should (and I know that most likely won’t) get help when I get health insurance.
I really don’t want to be medicated. But I sure felt a hell of a lot better consistently when I was on the Zoloft. It was nice to be happy and get things done. I think that I can do without the drugs though. I will continue with my walks and try to get it into running. I will try to be charming and see if anything will develop with my crush. I will get my own place to live and show me that I can support me and the kids. Also because it is a possibility that nothing will happen with my crush, that I will keep my heart open for a relationship with someone that is out there for me.
And finally the big one. I will tell my parents that I am gay. It is getting harder and harder to keep this from them. Not that want to share every little detail with them, but I am annoyed, irritated, exhausted…and so on…of hiding this. It is time to come out and let the chips fall where they may. They may be able to come to terms with it sooner than I think they will. They may have had an inkling like everyone is telling me they do. I am tired of the fact that I am lying to them.
I have been keeping from them for a very long time a huge part of who I am. I have used it to live a life that has not been fulfilling or as happy as it could have been because I didn't want to hurt or disappoint them. If there is one thing that I could do that would change my whole life. Even knowing that I may not even have the children that I have, it would be to go my child self in the past and to give me the courage to be free. I would give me the courage to say the little things that would make people know that I am not straight. I would say that I would never marry a man. I would say that I want to kiss the girl. I would say that men are gross when I got old enough for people to believe that it was not an elementary cootie thing. I would say that I have no interest in the New Kids on the Block for anything other than their music. I wouldn’t lie to my family and friends and say that I like a guy or that a boy was cute. I would never have dated the very few boys and men that I have. I would have been brave to say that Belinda Carlisle was hot, that they girl in my class was hot, that [insert name of actress] was totally cute. I would have said and done these things and more. My mom would have talked with my dad and they would have come to terms from my actions and words a long time before I would officially come out to them that I was gay. They would have wondered what had taken me so long.
I want that because then it would have been done. The one gift I would give to myself would be courage. So because it wasn’t something that I can give to me when I was little maybe it is something that I can give some other struggling young gay. I can share my story and be there for someone who needs the extra courage. I don’t know how I can do that, but I do know that thinking positive and being open to the opportunity is a great start. And the best start is to stop thinking about dying and to start thinking about how to live.
But first I am going cuddle with my pillow and to get a good night’s sleep
