Daily Bees

The Daily Struggles of Female ADHD, Adjustment Disorder, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder.

[beesdaily]

My mind had a slip earlier in the week. Mother Nature called, and disturbed my sleeping hormones.

Christmas has always been a stressful time of year for me. I don’t know why; probably to do with family gatherings actually.

So, in December, I make sure to take a couple of days over the three weekends to myself, and go to the woodlands to explore, forage for pine, holly and sweet chestnuts as well as nurturing my inner child.

When I return home, the dog is knackered, I’m happy and the house is peaceful.

[nordicvice]

'You can never be overdressed or overeducated.'

[beesdaily]

So yesterday I accidentally double dosed on my Elvanse instead of taking one Elvanse and one Flouxatine - don’t ask, was proper tired yesterday at 0430am 🙃

Anyway! Kept hydrated, and ate good food, all that good stuff - absolutely obliterated my to do list and the house is ✨sparkling✨.

Go to going asleep…I’m usually wide awake from 10pm - 1am then toss and turn to sleep. Last night, I was in bed by 9:30, phone off by 10, probably snoring by 10:30 - this is most probably down to the fact that I was so active yesterday, not due to my double dosage accident.

But the 🤌dream 🤌 I had!!!

I am looking up to an Ape’s Big Top Enclosure. There is a man hanging by his hands from the roof, and the apes are going insane.

I don’t see any ripping apart of said man, but the situation is bad. The staff on the ground put a mayday call out through…online shopping by ordering ApeHighJack Blue Top Milk.

In amongst all of this chaos, there is also one of the worst hurricanes the country has ever seen 😅

First time I have dreamt in a while, so I am analysing every single snippet 😂

[beesdaily]

Me before: There is only one happiness in this life, to love and to be loved.

Me now: Happiness is a direction, and not a place.

[beesdaily]

It wasn’t your fault that he was and is unhappy with his current standing.

You supported him through everything he ever done - even telling him that he should leave if he thought that he would be happier.

He always said that he had a hard time trusting people, and so really knew the true meaning of the word - but then went and broke your trust anyway.

You are trying your hardest to better yourself by sitting with your problems and sorting through them, whereas, he runs from his problems and “buries his head in the sand”.

[thoughtkick]

“I’ve always liked quiet people: You never know if they’re dancing in a daydream or if they’re carrying the weight of the world.”

— John Green, Looking for Alaska

[thoughtkick]

“One day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65, you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die. However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find - is they are not always with whom we spend our lives.”

— Beau Taplin, Hunting Season

[adhd-alien]

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[beesdaily]

[beesdaily]

An entry;

For him, from me.

I have to thank you, I suppose.

You gave me confidence, and unblinded me to my silly ways.

You showed my image in the mirror, and forced me to face myself, my demons and my mind.

You gave me more than a glimps of happiness, and fixed the broken light in my darkened soul. You made me shine for more than I thought I was ever worth.

You gave my day meaning, my thoughts traction, my mind something to latch on to.

You gave me the purpose I had been looking for, for so long. Without judgement, you taught me.

With the lightest of touches you would ignite my flame, and be so gentle with loosening the chains of anxiety I had wrapped around my brain.

You gave me lessons, I never thought I would ever have to learn. You showed me that there was more to life that “what’s on tomorrow”.

You gave me the confidence in myself to find myself. Though at the time, I thought your methods were the cruelest of ways to learn.

My mind poisoned me, against you. The chains re attached themselves, and locked you out. But you showed me, showed me that love amongst all the evil in this world will be what would save me from myself.

You had to leave to teach me this lesson. I hated you so. I blamed you so. You were my evil in plentiful.

You taught me clarity. You taught me kindness, and serenity. Most of all, you taught me love, how to love, how to show it, how to put it upon myself.

You taught me how to challenge my mind. You said that I needed to kill that part of me - that’s the very words you said.

“You don’t need to learn about it, Es. You need to kill it”

I haven’t killed that part you hate so much about me, and I never will. I have repurposed her, as she was so obviously sat in the wrong role inside my brain. I have put her on her hands and knees. I am using her as a building block.

I am using your lessons of how to love and be loved, and I’m climbing to the success of happiness, and calm. Be that with you in my sites, or be that with you behind me - I will reach my goal, on my own using your lessons.

The love I have for you will never leave me. The love I have for you will always haunt my soul. But, you have taught me, I need a shadowed past sometimes to get me through my toughest fights.

I will always welcome you with open arms, no matter how many years it takes for you to come back. You will always have a space, besides me, in my heart.

My brain turned evil, and you showed me the light.

I love you, still. And forever, always.

[beesdaily]

Late Nights, Thinking of Him

I feel like I’m slipping. Or, have I always been like this but masking so well that I’ve even tricked myself?!

He left 4 months ago and his picture and memories are imprinted in my brain going round in the most beautiful perfect loop. My brain is torturing me.

I can’t feel anything, but my heart hurts for him. I feel so much regret that he didn’t fight for me. I just want to be messing around with him again, making the best memories.

I thought I was doing so well. But he’s always been there, like a looming shadow watching my every move. I just feel like I’ve had my 5 minutes of clarity, and then carried on floating through days.

I’m tired now.

[beesdaily]

Finding my clarity in amongst the bees.

- A check in from a mental health nurse from Invicta Health every two weeks to begin with, then every month for 9 months - if I was allowed to name her so she can get full recognition, I would.

- a referral to Psychology UK. A diagnosis of ADHD-C.

- a referral to Invicta Health’s Psychologist, who instantly (within 5 minutes of seeing him), diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder.

- a chat with my GP, who gave me anti-depressants straight away, no questions asked when I had an unexpected break up.

- Invicta Health’s psychiatrist diagnosing me with Adjustment Disorder.

- Psychiatry UK titrating me on Elvanse from 30mg to 60mg.

- my old work colleague coming out of the wood work and being an absolute bomb of positivity, teaching me about the gym, endorphins and how they can help me.

- My ADHD group on Facebook that I found before I was even diagnosed, but “self-diagnosed”, and they accepted me anyway.

[beesdaily]

Good morning beautiful,

I woke up at 05:50 this morning 😌 I do love an early wake up. I feel so much less anxious on the weekends when I wake up early, because I know I can take things at my pace.

I’m off to the gym today (I’m making my rest days gym days too, purely to do some light form work and mobility exercises…and for my mental health). I wish I actually got a membership to a 24hour gym as I wanted to go at 3am this morning when I woke up 😅

I am currently doing EMDR therapy, and we have uncovered that I absolutely 🚨hate🚨 this house due to child hood trauma, but I have an anxious attachment to my mum, so I’m slowly trying to respectfully break away from that by using the gym as my scape goat.

I love my mum to absolute bits, but I feel that I’m never going to be truly happy if I stay here. I also feel that my attachment is hindering my progress, so I need to be firm with myself. But, for the meanwhile, whilst the rent is super high, and wages are super low, I will put everything into getting to my happy place. I will take “you can not heal in the same place that made you sick” and turn it on its side.

I will use my trauma as a building block. I have learnt, I am still learning, I am open to lessons. I have never been truly happy before, so I am willing to take a deep breath, and ✨go for it.✨

Because; without number one, number two can not survive. Lone survival has always seemed so scary to me - the world is “a black void” in my eyes, as that’s how I’ve been bought up, wrapped in cotton wool.

I feel like I’ve said it a thousand times before as us ADHD’ers know all too well. I have determination this time though, and confidence in myself. I realised that I’m going back to my old healing style (sleeping around, trying to sexually socialise myself, using hyper focuses as a distraction). I sat in silence for 30 minutes this morning, and let my mind just run wild.

I didn’t say no to intrusive thoughts, I didn’t push anything away. I let those horrid thoughts come and go as they pleased - I feel so positive for it. I can do this, and so can you 💪❤️

[beesdaily]

I had some deafening realisations today during therapy regarding my childhood. I will not let my past define me, I am in a positive space and I will be damned if I let that negativity shift any of the building blocks that I have made in the last month.

I will fight it with everything I have. I am happy right now, and I want to stay happy.

[beesdaily]

This feeling of calm is actually addictive.

Being able to get up in the morning and smaller fights with yourself about getting dressed, being able to go to the gym with minimal anxiety, being able to get out of the house with out a second thought. I can speak to strangers now, and laugh with them. I can look people in the eyes without fear of judgement. The dog sleeps with me all night because I don’t lash out in my sleep anymore, the bird says hello to me, instead of cowering in the corner when I come home.

[envylialla]

cr. weronika salach

What you need to know about the upcoming Harvest Moon in September 🌙✨🍁🍂

September 20-21st (depending on where you live)

Harvest Moon and the autumn equinox

Here in the Northern Hemisphere, we call the full moon closest to the autumn equinox the Harvest Moon. In 2021, the Northern Hemisphere autumn equinox comes on September 22. The full moon falls less than two days earlier, on September 20. Thus, for the Northern Hemisphere, this upcoming full moon – the full moon closest to our autumn equinox – is our Harvest Moon.

How did the Harvest Moon get its name?

The shorter-than-usual lag time between moonrises around the full Harvest Moon means no long period of darkness between sunset and moonrise for days in succession.

In the days before tractor lights, the lamp of the Harvest Moon helped farmers gather their crops despite the diminishing daylight hours. As the sun’s light faded in the west, the moon would soon rise in the east to illuminate the fields throughout the night.

What to do on a Harvest Moon?

1. Make some preserves 🍯

Visit the farmer’s market and buy some local produce. You don’t need to be an expert to make a simple jam or apple sauce that will keep you eating healthy through the winter. Putting away some of the summer harvest is intensely satisfying and so easy to do.

2. Stargaze 🌌

If the sky will be clear where you are, make a cozy space outside where you can watch the moon rise. If you’re with your family, a blanket fort that the kids can enjoy is perfect. With your partner? Make it a romantic night out with a picnic and a bottle of something special. By yourself? Get all your favorite foods, some great tunes and watch that big old beautiful moon rise.

3. Sort out the unusable fruit 🪵🌾

It’s time to weed out the bad apples – take stock. What is no longer working for you in your life? What lessons have you learned this summer? What do you need? What gives you joy? What do you need to let go of? While you’re out enjoying your garden picnic (or at the window in a comfy chair) decide what deadwood you are letting go of as the seasons change. A good pruning will help you flourish.

(tip: write the answers to those questions in your journal!)

4. Celebrate the bounty ☕🍁🍂

Gather your nearest and dearest! Cook a feast to share, have a bonfire or meet in the park for coffee. Celebrate all the fun you had this summer and everything you accomplished. Make sure to eat lots of delicious, homemade food and dance by the light of the moon. These are the last warm evenings for a while.

5. Organize your "cave" 🧹

It’s natural to lament the coming of the cold, but you can also find ways to look forward to snuggling in for the winter. Get your knitting out, dig up the cozy blankets and wool sweaters. How about some new tea blends and slow cooker recipes? Make a list of fall books to read and movies to watch. Making your "cave" cozy will leave you comfortable and looking forward to the change.

6. Give thanks 🙏💛

Having an attitude of gratitude will leave you focusing on all that you’ve accomplished this summer, instead of dreading the ending of it. This is a wonderful time to get back to your morning meditation practice, taking daily walks and stretching! No more procrastinating!

7. Set new intentions 😌🌿🦋

The full moon is prime time for letting go and beginning anew. Lay out under the stars and dream/script about what you’d like to manifest this winter. Summer isn’t the end of fun, it’s the start of something new. Learning to play a new instrument? Writing a book? Whatever it is, let your mind wonder to wild and wonderful places.

Sincerely, Envylialla 🦋🍁✨

[surqrised]

“Stop telling yourself that the grass is greener on the other side, because it’s not. It is greener where you water it. So take control of your life and start watering your own pastures and grow your own greener.”

— knowanoah