Being Anonima

Anonymously Sharing My Life Story

[beinganonima]

Everything is going to be okay. It will need process, but it's going to be okay.

[beinganonima]

Is it weird that you're in your late thirties but you still don't know what to do in you life?

Is that a big sign that you're failing in your life?

[beinganonima]

How to end guilt?

[beinganonima]

Feeling lost.

This pandemic and this unemployment just lost me.

There are so many things that I wanted to do, but I can make myself to get things done.

Is this depression or I'm just being lazy to the max? I can't even tell anymore

[beinganonima]

Oh anxiety...anxiety...

What should we do with all this anxiety

[beinganonima]

So this never ending pandemic finally hits me. I lost my stressing job.

I lost my income, but I lost the stressing part too.

Hope this will be my blessing in disguise thing.

Hope things will get better after this.

[beinganonima]

I spend too much money. Heeelp!

I regret it. But what use of regret now?

[beinganonima]

It's 3 AM ini here and I still can't sleep.

I already took the medicine that can give sleepy effect, but obviously it didn't work.

I was thinking about this house. What happens if this house inherited by someone it wasn't supposed to be? What can I do with that? And what should I do?

They said everything can be solved if we took time to sit down together and talk through this. But they don't want to take time. Why it always be me who took the time and effort?

Ignorance is a bliss. I wish I have more that in my life. Maybe I will sleep better if I am an ignorant selfish kind.

[beinganonima]

I'm so jelouse to those who can fall asleep easily. I want that privilege.

It's been years I'm battling with this rushing minds everytime I went to bed.

I got the day fatigue because of it. I'm also prone to fell ill because of this sleeping disorder.

What should I do?

[beinganonima]

After a long preparation and emotional drained I manage to be a significant part in my brother's wedding.

The wedding went well and beautiful. My brother is happy so does his gorgeous bride.

In the preparation, frankly I hold a little grudge at him. Since he done nothing and not even care about my wedding 8 years ago. It saddened me at that time. Because I needed all help that I can get. But none, I repeat NONE of my family members helped me at my wedding. Not in money nor even lending a hand. And it's not about that they didn't like the man I marry. They liked my husband. They can see how kind my husband to me. But still they don't offer any help. I had enough crying about it for years.

Then comes along my brother's wedding. EVERYBODY in the family helped him. Including my uncles and aunts.

It was an easy act to get revenge in this wedding. I know how difficult an exhausting arranging a marriage. And I can just walk away from the chaos.

But somehow I didn't. I don't know why. But I think it's because I didn't want my brother felt left out like me on my marriage. So I help him. I help him financially, I help him sorting out the chaos.

The wedding went well. And I don't expect any return from it. I just wish my brother happiness.

But good things happen when you don't have any expectations.

My brother send me a chat after the wedding saying how grateful he was having me as his siblings. He won't forget any help that I gave to his wedding.

It was a simple chat. But it gave me a huge impact. It gave me a great sensation of happiness for being appreciated and acknowledged. It was the things I didn't get from my wedding.

Moral of story:

1. Don't do revenge

2. 'Thank you' still have it's magic power.

[beinganonima]

Today I couraged myself to reply my childree friend whom critisize about maternity leave on Twitter.

She rants about how she always become the backup for every maternity leave without any appreciation after the leave is over.

I told her that maternity leave is not a leisure leave. In maternity leave you don't have time to heal your pregnant body. You straight up jump in to the new life in taking care of your baby. No shower, no sleep, no eclectic house arrangements, all are chaotic. Phisically and mentally exhausted and chaotic.

Of course she tried to defend her opinion. But for me it doesn't matter who is right or wrong. What matters the most is I stood up and said my opinion.

I am glad I did that.

[beinganonima]

Inspired By Elisa Lam

I just watch the first episode of Crime Scene The Vanishing At The Cecil Hotel in Netflix. 

I saw that the victim who disappeared at the hotel, Elisa Lam, is a hard core Tumblr blogger. I was inspired by her, but certainly do not hoping ended up like her (God bless her soul). 

In these social media era where every post is measured and marketed, you can not really be yourself anymore. Every critique can always be too offensive or every post can make you jittery to look bad in front of the world. 

Internet used to be a place for you to make friends. But now you are too anxious being known in it. That is why I make this tumblr for my sanctuary. For being my true self in this gigantic internet world. For being able to express without being afraid for the responses.

Thank you Elisa Lam for the inspiration in writing in Tumblr. Rest in peace.