THE GLORY OF THE OLIVE IS OVER; BRING ON THE IUDEX TREMENDUS
As you may have heard, the papal conclave began in earnest today, with 115 cardinals gathering to elect a successor to the recently retired Benedict XVI.
I’m not sure why they’re bothering; we’ve known who the next pope will be since 1595.
In fact, he’s not only the nextpope, he’s also the last pope, ever. Ever ever. His name is Petrus Romanus, and all hell’s coming with him.
How do we know this? Because it was published in 1595 as part of a book called Lignum Vitae (this means Wood of Life; no idea), a history of the Benedictine Order of monks. The relevant portion is called Prophetia S. Malachiae Archiepiscopi, De Summis Ponitificibus, or The Prophecy of the Archbishop Saint Malachy About the Popes.
This work is a list of mysterious Latin phrases that purport to predict the popes from Saint Malachy’s time (12th century) until, literally, kingdom come.
You might find it incredibly suspect that the phrases are accurate, if cryptic, descriptions of the popes up until the time this work was “discovered” in 1590 and then basically not accurate at all with a few exceptions for the centuries after that, but that, I assure you, is a sin.
The first phrase listed is “Ex castro Tiberis,” which means “from a castle on the Tiber.” The Lignum Vitae lets us know that this lines up with Pope Celestine II. Why? The reason given is “Typhernas,” meaning “He comes from Tifernum,” which was a city on the Tiber.
Not impressed? Here’s another.
The eleventh clue is “Sus in cribro,” which means “pig in a sieve,” which is something we all want for pope. Who was the pig in the sieve? Urban III. How do we know? “Mediolanensis, familia cribella, quae Suem pro armis gerit,” or, “A Milanese, of the Crivelli family (this is the pope’s human name), who have a pig on their coat of arms.” The Italian name Crivelli means “sieve.”
What about future popes? Yeah, we got those, too.
The 104th phrase is “Religio depopulata,” or “religion depopulated.” This lines up with Benedict XV, who was pope from 1914 until 1922, and whose tenure saw the entire nation of Russia become atheist following the Revolution plus tons of people who were probably Catholic or something died during World War I OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Anyway, what I’m saying is, this is irrefutably true.
Which brings me (finally) to my main point: we are all going to die, probably.
We have run out of popes. There are 112 phrases. Pope Benedict XVI was the 111th pope, with the phrase “Gloria olivae,” or “Glory of the olive,” connecting with how that dude was forever talking about olives.
So what comes next? This:
In persecutione extrema S.R.E. sedebit.
Petrus Romanus, qui pascet oves in multis tribulationibus, quibus transactis civitas septicollis diruetur, & judex tremendus judicabit populum suum. Finis.
In the final persecution of the Holy Roman Church, there will sit Petrus Romanus (Peter the Roman), who will pasture his sheep during many tribulations, and when these are completed, the city of the seven hills (this is Rome; alternate, admittedly less likely, possibility: Lynchburg, VA) will be destroyed, and the shuddersome judge will judge his people. THE END.
What I’m saying is, why are we even having a conclave? Find someone named Peter (Pietro) from Rome (possibly Pete from Rome, GA, also built on seven hills) and let’s get this apocalypse over with, preferably before my next rent check is due.
(But, Benito, I hear you ask. Isn’t there any hope for humanity? There is, in fact, in a grammatical technicality. You might note that in the Latin above there is a period after the word “sedebit,” even though all the stuff about Petrus afterwards follows grammatically. This sentence is printed as its own paragraph, even though it is a fragmentary sentence (it’s missing a subject; i.e., who will sit during the final persecution. You could argue that a subject isn’t needed for an inflected Latin verb; this is true. But then we have a pronoun missing an antecedent; the problem remains the same.)
Some people interpret this to mean that there will be an indeterminate amount of popes between ol’ Olive Glory Ratzinger and the fall of Rome, but that’s placing a lot of faith in one line break.
But I suppose people have put faith in less.
