Buddie rain kiss first kiss asmr, but things have been weird lately. Eddie has been more aware of just how physically close he and Buck are all the time. Heâs more aware of much of himself heâs given to Buck without even realizing it.
Buck feels like heâs starting to lose Eddie. Heâs more distant, more jumpy, more closed off. At first he thinks Eddie is just tired. Then hungry, maybe. Upset? Everything that Buck tries to figure out whatâs wrong fails. Eddie shrugs it off, telling him itâs fineâ theyâre fineâ but he still canât seem to get his act together.
For the last several months, Eddie has realized many truths about himself. First it was a realization of the family unit he and Buck have made: Eddie, Buck, Theo, Chris. A family of four. That realization is what led to the second. Eddie, wholly and truly, is in love with Evan Buckley. He was quite baffled by himself at first, though he understood why he loves Buck he didnât understand how he could. After all, heâs straight. How could a straight mine fall in love with another man? That question led to the next realization. He is very, very gay. The failed relationships, the running away, the self-sabotage, the repression, the Catholic guiltâ it all played a part in that.
It all comes to a head when theyâre on a call. Itâs medical, Buck mostly there for moral support while Hen and Eddie assess their patients. One of them starts talking. Sheâs a bit scatter-brained, rambling about something. The other woman shushes her, telling her to take a deep breath. It hits Eddie like a punch to the gut watching these two women comfort each other. He tries to keep working, but heâs so lost in his head that he asks Chim to sub in, quickly leaving once he does.
Buck follows him, watching as Eddie runs his hands through his hair, over his face, braces them behind his neck. He watches him pace, face red, veins popping.
âEddie?â Buck calls after him, rushing down the steps to meet him on the curb. âEddie, whatâs wrong?â
Eddie shakes his head, turning and facing Buck with teary eyes as he requests, âPlease go back inside.â
Buck blinks, shaking his head too, âWhat? No. Iâm not leaving you out here when somethingâs wrong.â
Itâs been sprinkling for a while, on and off showers all day. With every drop that hits Eddieâs skin, he lets out a shaky laugh.
âIs this about me?â Buck asks, so certain in the idea that heâs done something to make Eddie upset with him. âEddie, if I did somethingââ
âNo,â Eddie cuts him off quickly, definitively, âyouâre not the one whoâs done something.â
Buck blinks. The only other one between them who could have done something is Eddie, but he hasnât. Eddie has been good. Heâs always good. Heâs the best friend Buck has. How could he think heâs done something wrong?
âEddie, you havenât done anything wrong,â Buck says, because if Eddie is being hard on himself for something he didnât even do, Buck wonât allow that to continue. âWeâre good, alright?â
Eddie laughs again, shaking his head as he looks up at the dark gray clouds that have started pouring a little harder.
âI didnât say I did something wrong. Itâs not,â Eddie sighs, looking at Buck again as he says, âI just donât know that itâs right, either.â
Thereâs silence again, the rain falling heavily around them. Buck wants to move closer, to tell Eddie that heâs wrong, weâre good. He doesnât. He waits for Eddie to say more.
âI donât know how to be around you like this anymore,â Eddie admits, allowing that small part of the truth to slip out.
âLike what?â Buck asks, still so confused but so glad that Eddie is finally talking to him.
âLike weâre just friends?â Eddie tests, though that doesnât feel quite right, so he adds, âLike weâre not a family.â
Buck blinks at the admission, confusion ever present, if not growing.
âWe are family, Eddie.â
âNo, not familyâ a family. Me, you, Chris, Theoâ youâre the reason I canât move on.â
That idea hits Buck harder than the rain, brows pinching together as he thinks it through. They do function much like a family. Maybe they are. To say itâs a fault, that itâs why Eddie canât move on?
âMove on from what?â
âFrom you,â Eddie gasps, voice louder and rougher than intended.
âMe?â Buck asks, tilting his head and finally taking a step closer, âWhat about me?â
Eddie frowns, looking Buck over. He canât possibly say it. He doesnât want to ruin what they have, even if he feels heâs probably already done so, what with all of his distancingâ because old habits die hard. He shakes his head, waving Buck off. He turns, starting to walk down the block more, unsure of where heâs going. He canât leave. Heâs on shift. He just needs to get away for a momentâ a second to breathe.
Buck isnât having it. He follows, placing a hand on Eddieâs shoulder and spinning him around.
âYou canât just say that and walk away, Eddie,â he huffs, the pair so unbelievably close that Eddie has to take a step back, for his own sake, âWhat are you so afraid of?â
Eddie could cry. He really could. He could cry right here, with the rain, and maybe he should. Maybe Buck wouldnât notice. He doesnât. He forces them back like always, wishing it away.
âEddie,â Buck breathes, a bit hurt by the fact Eddie is still pulling away, âWhatever it is, we can fix it.â
âYou canât fix this, Buck. You canât fix me,â Eddie sighs, Buck looking at him with a frown.
âWhy would I want to fix you?â
âBecause I love you,â Eddie whispers, feeling absolutely broken, âand I canât seem to stop.â
Buck is the one to a step back now, not because of disgust but pure surprise. He looks at Eddieâ really looks at him. Buck is not an idiot. He knows how their relationship looks on the outside. Heâs had it thrown in his face time and time again. By Tommy, by Maddie, by complete strangers. He denies it every time, telling them theyâre wrong, and now here Eddie is telling Buck that theyâre right. Eddie is telling him that heâs in love.
âWhat?â Buck asks, the only word he can manage right this moment, still trying to wrap his head around it all.
Eddie swallows thickly, shaking his head, tears still threatening to slip. Heâs clothes are clinging to him, soaked in the rain, a puddle of rainwater forming at his feet from the dip in the sidewalk between him and Buck.
âSo whenâ when Tommy said that you were his competitionââ
Eddie blinks, part of his anxiety lifting with a Buckâs words. Eddie hasnât thought about Tommy in ages. Not since the breakup.
âWait, what? When did he say that?â Eddie asks, Buck shaking his head and continuing.
âDid Tommy know?â
âKnow what?â
âThat you love me.â
Eddie huffs. He wants to laugh at that idea. Eddie didnât even know Tommy was gay, but he thinks Eddie knew he was?
âBuck, I didnât even know!â Eddie exasperates.
Everything is all so heavy.
âBut you were, werenât you?â Buck asks, wanting that confirmation.
âIâ I donât know! Probably,â Eddie huffs, feeling put on the spot, because heâs still trying to figure it out himself, âBuck, Iââ
âWhat?â
Suddenly, part of Eddie suddenly feels like maybe things are fine. He does what he does every time Buck gives him that lookâ those pinched eyebrows and that self-pity. He takes his hand, placing it on Buckâs shoulder, forcing their eyes to meet.
âBuck,â Eddie breathes, like itâs the simplest thing in the world, and maybe it is.
Buck looks at that hand, the way it sits comfortably like itâs meant to be there. In a way, it is. It always has been. Whatâs new is the way Eddie moves it from Buckâs shoulder and slides it up to his jaw, cupping his face and thumbing over his cheek. Then Eddie is pulling him in, slotting their lips together like itâs the easiest thing in the world. In reality, itâs the hardest. Eddie is entirely unsure of himself, but he does it anyway. He does it for not himself, but for Buck. When Buck kisses back, he knows heâs done the right thing.
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This was much longer than I expected but! Hope you enjoyed. đ«¶đ»
