On surviving an eating disorder
I’m writing on this topic at a very different place than I was in in 2020. That post can be found here << https://biensadbaby.tumblr.com/post/629159455452463105/no-thanks-i-ate >>
It brings me some degree of sorrow to see the girl I was back in 2020. I was going through a really terrible time, therapy felt like it wasn’t helping and the medication I was on was making me crazy. I was so mentally weak, isolated and continuing in a cycle that I knew was killing me. I felt like I lost control and I plunged myself into my reoccurring eating disorder just to feel like I was holding the reins.
I would emaciate myself as much as I could bear, eating broth most days and beginning to run again. The less I ate, the better I felt about myself. If I could run on top of not eating I felt amazing, it didn’t matter if my body was tired. I was averaging 2.5 lbs a week, it was enough to make me feel like I regained control over my life.
Fast forward to last summer and I was obsessively looking for answers about my mind. I was reading any books I could find about my many issues; codependency, bipolar, anxiety, low self-esteem, eating disorder. Eventually I stumbled upon the book that turned it all around for me, the eating disorder anyway. I’m still working on my anxious attachment.
Health At Every Size by Linda Bacon was the reality check I needed. I only found it a few months ago but when I read it I began to understand why I couldn’t keep weight off. The cycle of weight off, weight on and then some was making me miserable and this one stupid book empowered me to change everything about my lifestyle. I felt like I was on the path to recovery and it lead me to work on other issues.
I am now back on medication, back to therapy and it’s incredible how good my mental health is. Previously, I couldn’t stop having negative thoughts about myself, my body and I would cry all the time about everything. I would stand in front of the mirror and just look at how disgusting I thought I was, I believed my friends would abandon me because of some crazy shit going on in my head.
Today I looked in the mirror, and I felt pretty happy to see me.
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