Do you find it hard to take compliments? I do. A more socially adept friend once explained that it is rude to argue with someone when they compliment you. I’ve taught myself to muster an unenthusiastic “thanks” and change the subject instead; many compliments still make me feel awkward as hell.
My own instinctive bristling at compliments makes me wary of dishing them out. One of my favourite books on communication, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish 1, gives some very evocative hypotheticals illustrating awkward compliments 2:
This is a problem. If I compliment someone else, it’s because I think they’re great! They’ve done some thing or been some way that made me feel good and I want them to feel good in turn. I don’t want them to be doubtful or threatened or zero in on the parts of my praise that ring untrue.
Thankfully, the book offers a solution: shift your compliments from evaluation to description. This is what I call specific positivity. Here’s an example of it from Faber & Mazlish:
In this example, the evaluation- “you write good poetry”- though intended as a compliment, just makes the would-be poet unsure. The descriptive praise, by contrast, leaves evaluation of the poet to themselves. Its aims simply to share a concrete, positive experience of reading the poem.
With specific positivity, you try to give someone evidence that they should be praised, rather than praise itself. They don’t bristle or argue, because all you’ve given them is a description of your own experience. The recipient of your compliment can then use your descriptive evidence to compliment themselves. This is the goal, anyway- get them to feel good by recognizing the good they’ve done or been. Another book I’ve enjoyed recently had similar recommendations for showing appreciation:
Be specific and precise. Instead of saying, for instance, ‘I love being with you’, be specific about what it is you love. For example, ‘I love the way you ring me at midday to see how I am. It makes me feel cared for.’ - How to Stay Sane, Phillipa Perry
Even though the first phrasing doesn’t evaluate the listener, it’s remarkably easier to feel appreciated by the second, specific phrasing. I think much of what people find lacking in platitudes is detail. Without specifics, attempts at complimenting or comforting come out as sprays of positivity to be deflected.
So, how to make it easier for others to take your compliments? Take a moment first to find the action inspired you to compliment someone. Now, describe your positive experience of that action. Offer evidence that the person has done something good, rather than asserting this to be so. Give specific positivity and make compliments less awkward for all of us
yes, it’s a parenting book that I first read when I was eight, but it has a lot of transferable knowledge, okay ↩
Table adapted from content of Faber & Mazlish pages 178-179. ↩
romaincrisis
titsay
gummygunk
annaxmalina
stormborns
izzy806
