don't sip this brain juice

this batch has gone very very bad!! bipolar II・nonbinary・California (formerly Japan) main: @ceraunia

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✨time to update my pinned post✨ 💝welcome to brain dump blog💝 🕯️a space is more for me than anyone else🕯️

💫General About Me💫 nonbinary japanese/american living in california since 3/2024 before that, lived in japan 10 years but i'm raised in california.

💡Mental Health Stuff💡 diagnosis: bipolar II, anxiety (former insomniac) medications: daily quetiapine SR and XR, daily lamotrigine, PNR clonazepam i see a psychiatrist every few months. they are trans like me! i talked with a therapist from may-august, but had to stop when my work shift changed. she said i'm in a good place to take a pause. it took time to find a psychiatrist and therapist i could trust. don't give up.

💗Trans Stuff🩵 top surgery 8/2025! hrt coming up soon

🎈Other Stuff🎈 i have a main account, but i don't necessarily like to share it. i made this blog to keep my weird bipolar shit separate lol i started my physical gender transition after moving to california. It's been a much easier process than in japan. i used to benzo-dependent, but not anymore! It felt impossible to quit, took literal years. last year, i was in a year major anhedonic depressive state that lasted almost a year. it came with a creative block that took even longer to reocver from. i wasn't able to work for almost 3 years cause of anxiety and stress. now, i've been at my current job for over a year and it's fine. i'm chill again. i can't believe it, i keep thinking i'm gonna fuck it all up.

i also just posted a bunch of drafts i saved from 2023-2024 but never posted.....

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im so hypomanic I spent the afternoon putting stickers all over stuff. i have these puffy ones and they're so nice to touch.

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i want to wear my mikio sakabes to a concert but i also don't want to ruin them or roll my ankles.

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some things came together over the weekend and now I realize ive probably been having anxiety or panic attacks those times my whole body started shaking and spasming uncontrollably, my heart racing and feeling blegg 🫠 ty body for coming up with new ways to handle and process old trauma

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i've always told myself not to bother him about it again.. leave the guy alone. stay lying in this this bed i've made. i haven't been in touch with him much anyways, especially after leaving japan 2 years ago.

but the other day, he sent me some unexpectedly nice messages. he told me he hopes i find my happiness, cause i'm a good person.

me, a good person?

i thanked him, and the back and forth messaging ended. but it didn't feel entirely right to leave it like that/ there was a lot i wasn't letting myself say. i thought about it a few days... and i don't know if should have done it, but just now i sent him some of the things that i really feel.

that i don't deserve those kind words, cause i cheated on him and hurt him all those years ago. i apologized (not the first time.) i said a few more things...

and there's a still a little bit more i could have said, if i was to be 100% honest... but i don't deserve to have that right. i dug my grave, so i gotta stay down here.

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im so happy lil nas x is back, looking happy and healthy! bipolar sucks.

[junglejim4322]

Remember when I was going crazy 5 minutes ago [chuckle of fond remembrance] amazing how time changes people

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in april my therapist said we should wait till i have health insurance before i schedule an appt again. but after a month without it, i realize i don't look forward to therapy and i dont feel like diving back into the muck. there's lots i should talk about with her, but im just gonna take a break.

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went to a trans rights / fuck ice show. ppl started kicking around a trash can at the end. i panicked and ran when it accidentally came rolling at me and ppl apologized. i love this space, this city.

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my anxiety was ridiculous today. i was so flustered and frazzled when speaking to people, all day!! but for once, i didn't feel like i needed a xanax or clonazepam to turn it down. my head sure hurt a lot through. these migraines never go away.

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my long holiday weekend: tapioca milk tea and sleep

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low dose testerone since Dec 2025. my mustache and chin hairs are increasing but still microscopic!!

my hormone transitioned slowed down cause i couldn't get testosterone for a month. and now i've also lowered my daily dose to make my stash last while im uninsured.

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low dose testerone since Dec 2025. my mustache and chin hairs are increasing but still microscopic!!

my hormone transitioned slowed down cause i couldn't get testosterone for a month. and now i've also lowered my daily dose to make my stash last while im uninsured.

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lately i am miss my stoner ex bf but i know it wouldn't work. we could never open up all that deep, and he's socially conservative anyways.

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i'm still thinking about him STILL 😫

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last week i was trying to buy a new swimsuit but got distracted by the swimsuit model photos, and i spent an hour or so looking at butts. now all my ads are for bikini bottoms, all the pictures from the back. next time i gotta remember to use incognito mode smh

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"farting and departing" in crowded supermarket aisle, hoping no one will realize it was me

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lately i am miss my stoner ex bf but i know it wouldn't work. we could never open up all that deep, and he's socially conservative anyways.