It happened two years ago.
It's just so hard to believe, like it was another life. When I think about things that happend before, it even more strange. It's not awful now, just strange.
I'm so young now, back then I was just a little girl. Yes, I was an adult legally, but I was only eighteen when we got acquainted. And yes, you weren't much older, a year older than me. You probably wasn't "mature" too.
But I still don't understand how could you do that to me.
I was new there, you seemed to be everybody's friend. I was scared, afraid to seem stupid or not cool enough. At that time, my friends were not around, we did not talk, adults never were too, I was all by myself with nothing to do. And then I met you.
You were so nice, funny, and understanding. I told you about everything, every little problem I have. You told me a bit too. You insist on calls, videocalls, playing together, texting... then virt. and nudes. And then started saying that you love me. That you'll always be there. That I'm the only one who brings you happiness. That I'm your oxygen. So I did everything you want, because I thought that you probably the only person in the whole world who's still talks to me, and even more â thinks that I'm cool. I was with you 24/7, because you were sad and depressed. Played games you want me to play, even when I was bored af and told you so. Tried to look happy with all you did. I ignored all the misogynistic and scary shit you were saying. Because, well, you were a bit older and longer in this community, and also a woman â so maybe I'm overreacting.
I don't know when it became "dirty secret". I don't know when it started to hurt me. Probably from the very beginning, but I was so vulnerable and used to mistreat that I didn't see that for a while.
Then I became a student â which made me incredibly happy, and I chattered about it all the time. Art college took up all my time, and I was alternately glad and disappointed. I was making time to talk, I was ashamed of devoting my time to myself, I longed to go back every minute just to talk to you. But to my surprise, you didn't rush to me when I returned. You didn't respond to me, didn't read my messages. But everything was "fine".
Just so that in a few months you would post that you were offered to date someone.
I was confused. How? We're already dating, no? You'd talk to me personally if it was the matter, right? Like you always told you would. So I'm probably reading it wrong?
Then it turned out that now she was on the phone with you while we were texting. And then you refused to talk to me honestly, answering my questions. You sabotaged, humiliatingly made me wait for hour and didn't go to bed, even though I had to study early, just for you to try to change the subject and steer the conversation away from a direct answer.
That I mean nothing to you.
Months later, I found out that at that time you were texting our mutual friend that I was crazy and you didn't know how to tell me that you actually had a girlfriend.
Well, I thought I was your girlfriend.
But it seems I was just a girl you love-bombed, then harassed, forced to virt with you, begged for nudes and told that you couldn't cope without her and would hurt yourself if she went to bed. The girl you put in danger when you didn't watch your language and could tell my relatives my orientation. The girl you later slandered and distorted everything that happened, shaming her in front of her friends and leaking her private messages. Besides, you almost killed her mental health in the end and worsened her cptsd for a year or so â knowing that you are repeating the events that caused her trauma.
And all my "sacrifices to you" were nothing but bullshit. You used me. That's all you did.
And the most important â I wasn't first. And probably wasn't last.
You were a parasite, sucking all my life from me. You deliberately didn't give a name to this relationship and evaded the answer when I asked before. You deliberately insisted after the refusals. You broke me on purpose.
And I'm glad that your betrayal made me left you, block you, and after some time â told everybody what you did. Because I knew you would come back â you stalked all your old friends and exes.
I told you to go to hell.