thinking about ilya’s “not here” when he sees shane approach him in the stands in sochi and how much their interactions in episode 1 set up this conversation. “not here” is what shane said to him in the showers at the ccm shoot & in the hotel room at the nashville asg. ilya’s trying to invoke their shorthand with each other here. he knows those “not here”s from shane didn’t mean he didn’t want to move forward with the interaction, just that he was scared, that he needed a bit of time and space first, that he was in his head about it, that they needed a safer location. but shane’s still thinking about their last time together, and is clouded by how intimate it was, and how they already discussed on the stairwell afterwards they can’t hook up during the olympic games, so shane brushes past this (“no i’m not…” [he doesn’t say the end of that sentence, but i think “i’m not trying to initiate sex here” is the gist]) and plows forward anyways. he wants to check on how ilya is doing emotionally, he doesn’t care that they can’t hook up here, but he doesn’t understand how dangerous this conversation still is at this location. everything between them up until now has been at shane’s pace, shane’s comfort level, and this is basically the first time ilya is the one pushing the breaks. ilya’s attempt to use shane’s “not here” back at him - to try to say he doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t want to move forward with this interaction, but he’s scared of the repercussions of doing it here and he’s stuck in his own head and he needs time to sort through his own thoughts first - doesn’t land with shane.
so ilya has to escalate to get shane to back off, the same way shane had to escalate to get ilya to back off on the rooftop in vegas after the mlh awards (“we’re both in tuxedos out in public!” “no one is looking” “you don’t know that!” and physically pushing him away). ilya refuses to make eye contact and starts with the more gentle “fine. go sit down” (even if it’s clearly a lie) then the verbal pushing away (“we are not anything. go away, hollander.”) to begging (“please, go.”) until he finally snaps and looks at him again to say “no, i did not answer your boring text. now will you go?” after the eye contact is when shane finally gives up and walks away. and we as the audience are left with ilya alone at the top of the stands, an echo of ilya alone on the vegas rooftop at the end of episode 1. they keep pushing each other away, not because they don’t want each other, but because of the not here of their impossible situation.
meanwhile we as the audience also see that “boring text” from shane is the first thing ilya turns to after sasha leaves the gala bathroom. we know ilya is clinging to that boring text, that he keeps looking back at it, proof that someone in the world cares about him even if he tells himself he can’t respond. not here, anyways.
theartofmadeline
