My conclusion: the nerdier you are the more likely you are to win gold
Got another one lads
another one babes
ANOTHER ONE

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@blamerades
My conclusion: the nerdier you are the more likely you are to win gold
Got another one lads
another one babes
ANOTHER ONE
Stolen Treasure
Another valuable piece added to the dragon hoard! I thought it would be nice if Pondhopper got some friends as well, since Swordfish has his frog hoard.
Jurassic World did the Avatar thing where it made a gajillion dollars and left no cultural footprint whatsoever. Name your favorite Jurassic World character. What was your favorite line. It evaporated despite everyone seeing it.
WRONG fav character was the extra that ran away from the pterodactyls with two margheritas in hand
Gotta do everything myself around here
So, I went into this guy’s Wikipedia page, because he looked familiar. And there’s this big “Controversies” section, so I was preparing myself to read that even the margaritas/pterodactyls guy has sexually assaulted someone. But it turns out that he hasn’t. However, he:
- Has been sued for copyright infringement for a ‘blasphemous’ musical rendition of a monologue from the 1950s
- He was on a plane with U2′s Bono and his family, and the plane was shot by the Jamaican police, who believed they were smuggling marijuana. He wrote a song about the incident.
- He’s actually a singer, and his better known song in called MARGARITAVILLE. He also owns the Margaritaville Cafe restaurant chain. And has licensed Margaritaville Tequila, Margaritaville Footwear, and a Margaritaville Foods. He owns the Margaritaville Casino, has released a “Margaritaville Online” game, and he wrote and starred in a musical called “Escape to Margaritaville”
- He also wrote a song called “Math Suks”, which was condemned by the US National Council of Teachers of Mathematics for its alleged negative effect on children’s education.
- He was thrown out of a basketball game he was watching for using blasphemous language in front of kids.
- And he was detained by French customs for allegedly carrying over 100 pills of ecstasy. Although he was released after paying a fine, and, according to him, the pills were a B-vitamin supplement.
So, yeah, that was refreshing controversies section-wise, but now I don’t know what to do with all that information.
Maybe its my age, but i’m a little concerned that the fact he is a singer and wrote Margaritaville wasn’t prior knowledge and is considered a controversy
☝️
Beach, booze, Buffett.
Jimmy Buffett plays the margarita guy in Jurassic World because his most famous song is “Margaritaville” and this is therefore hilarious, I thought
Me watching Tumblr “discover” Jimmy Fucking Buffett.
I was just aged 500 years.
…I liked SOME things about it. The Raptor Squad. A functional park. Pterosaurs–Dimorphodons. Mosasaur! And the lovable Dr. Wu.
wastin’ away again in-fucking-deed
Weedle?
Weedle???
WEEDLE?!?
three main parts of d&d culture are
1. *drops to 0hp* “I’m dead.” “You’re not dead yet”
2. rolling a bad perception roll and your dm is just like “you don’t have a fucking clue where you are. a room maybe?”
3. when the dm is narrating a scene for another character and your character isn’t even there so when you make a smartass comment about what’s happening the dm shouts “You’re not here”
finally half life for women
HALF WIFE
Ever since I got a job as a security guard I can’t take heist movies seriously anymore.
Why is that?
Accurate heist movie: The Team is sneaking into a high security facility. An alarm is triggered, they freeze, prepared to knock out whoever responds to the alarm. It takes 40 minutes for someone to respond. When they finally do show up, they shuffle along, annoyed, arms full of 16 bags of pretzels for some reason, and reset the alarm without bothering to check their surroundings. They report that the alarm went off in error. Security control starts a fight about the correct designation of the door. The guard announces that they’re leaving the alarm key in the alarm because it’s always going off for no reason. No one challenges them on this. They shuffle away, leaving an alarm key and several bags of pretzels behind.
The Team knocks out a security guard and steals their radio. The team mimic can perfectly replicate the knocked out guard’s voice. They get caught because they pronounced the name of the company correctly.
The Team disables an alarm. The only way to do this is to rip it out of the wall and disassemble it until it physically can’t make noise anymore. This very loud process is clearly heard by the posted security guard nearby, who rolls their eyes and text their supervisor that the logistics contractors are fooling with the alarms again.
The Team breaks into the facility at night. There they meet a single security guard who is chanting potential names for NPCs in their DnD campaign out loud while they do their patrols. They encounter a fire extinguisher. They pause in their chanting to check that it is properly charged and to apply a sticker that reads, “Anal use only”. This guy is disgustingly good at their job. There’s no way around it, they’re going to catch you. And you’re going to have to deal with the fact that you’ve been had by someone who has a supply of stickers that say “Anal use only” and who unironically wanted to name their NPC shopkeep Mammogrammus.
The Team attempts to bribe a security guard. This is its own post but know there’s no way in hell that would work.
The Team breaks into the high security room and disables all the alarms. Security control sends several guards to investigate why there are no alarms going off.
The Team attempts to break into the high security room but can’t because it’s randomly decided not to let anyone at all in today.
The Team steals a keycard with “””””unlimited””””” access to the facility and gets caught because the computer system that manages keycards randomly revokes access for no reason.
The Team walks past a security guard in broad daylight wearing T-shirts that say, “We are here to rob you”. The security guard does nothing, having seen several people in logistics wearing that exact shirt two days prior.
This sounds like a great movie, honestly
I know I’ve said this before but vampires
don’t show up on camera
can fly/scale walls
immune to bullets
can break into any safe by turning into fog or some bullshit
could probably hypnotize security guards as needed
therefore I am in dire need of a heist film where a group of vampires band together to steal back their old stuff from museums
Oceans 1100 AD
Very interested in the hardest part of this beign the vampires trying to trick someone into granting them permission to enter the premises earlier in the day
I feel like this has several simple solutions!
they enter the museum while it’s open to the public (and the Welcome sign is on display). they turn into bats and hide in the rafters until the museum closes. the only hiccup is when the overhead announcement comes on and politely requests all visitors leave for closing. the vampire are forced to flee, but come back the next day with tiny bat-sized earplugs.
downside: this requires going out in daylight, leading most of the team members to show up in long black victorian formalwear, complete with lacy parasols, which they insist on carrying with them throughout the entire heist (much to the frustration of the team leader, who just wore sunscreen and a raincoat).
depending on how invitations work, it is possible any random human can invite them in. one of the vampires gets their Ultimate Frisbee buddy Oakley to tag along and invite them in after closing.
downside: the gang spends the rest of the heist gently mocking the idea of a vampire playing association ultimate frisbee (“so what, you turn into a bat and catch it with your fangs? do they make you crawl up the wall when it gets stuck on a roof? if you turn into a cat to get it down from a tree, do you end up stuck in the tree?”) this ends in a Climactic Twist Ending when Oakley reveals they don’t play ultimate frisbee, just dog park frisbee. In the sense that they met when the vampire transformed into a wolf to gatecrashed a game at the local dog park.
(Bonus points if Oakley is a werewolf. extra bonus points if this is revealed in a post-credits epilogue where, on the next full moon, the entire gang transforms into creatures of the night and joins Oakley at the park for a frisbee game of Bats vs Wolves)
Final option: to gain legitimate entry, an invitation is needed from a museum employee. this presents two possibilities:
the vampires pretend to be incredibly rich eccentric patrons who want a private nighttime tour of the museum. (this is convincing due to the fact they are rich and incredibly eccentric.) the vampires get inside, planning to hypnotize the Curator supervising their tour.
downside: they immediately discover the Curator has been left immune to hypnosis by years of post-grad exposure to droning history lecturers. the vampires leave their least competent member to distract her while they carry out the heist–in the ensuing 90 minutes, the vampire and the curator accidentally Fall In Love after bonding over their shared fury about british archeological theft.
(In the sequel they get married and spend their honeymoon robbing the British Museum in order to return sacred objects to the cultures from which they were stolen. this is made more complicated comical by the fact vampires are unable to interact with holy objects. also, they are lesbians.)
alternatively: the gang simply bribes a security guard into letting them in after closing. the security guard then tags along, offering helpful advice for disabling alarms and transporting antiques. it turns out Security Officer Greer only applied for the job bc they too were planning an Elaborate Acrobatic Burglary, but then their partners quit to join Cirque du Soleil and “I can’t exactly perform a Double Cartwheel Birdie Flying Trapeze Boomerang Special without a partner.”
downside: the gang becomes too attached to ask Greer to leave. They carry out the heist as intended, but this time pretending to be circus performers to explain their vampire powers. Turning into a cloud of smoke to bypass locks? Magicians never explain a trick. Spider walking across ceilings to bypass alarms? Contortionist. When it comes time to fly from roof to roof, they decide turning into bats would give away their secret, so instead they help Greer, in a sparkling moment of triumph, execute the perfect Double Cartwheel Birdie Flying Trapeze Boomerang Special!
Greer and the gang escape (by tightrope walking) into the night with all the plunder they can carry. Tearfully, the gang begins to say goodbye (bc they can’t keep up the pretense of being circus performers forever) when Greer casually asks how a bunch of vampire ended up working in a circus.
(Greer assumed from the beginning they were vampires, because of “how you dress, how you talk, and mostly because none of you showed up on camera back in the CCTV control room. Why did you think it took me so long to let yall in?”)
I cannot for the lives of me decide which synopsis I like best
(all ideas shared on this blog are public domain, feel free to go nuts. you can find more story ideas like this on my ko-fi)
The Artemis Fowl books address/use A LOT of these themes! In their case the supernatural creatures are faeries, who essentially have magic and super-technology but are also bound by ancient rules. They:
don’t show up on camera
can fly
have powerful weaponry
have technology way more advance than humanity and can hack/access anything essentially
can hypnotize and mind-wipe humans
can’t enter properties unless granted express permission
The AF books are basically YA spy/heist novels so I get the sense they would scratch a LOT of these itches.
Megatron causing his own downfall because he just had to be a petty douche to a no-name dock worker and his bubbly girlfriend is some greek-tragedy-level writing 👌
I think about this cake every day
sorry for exposing your tags but this is hilarious
i need feminism because when jesus does a magic trick it’s a goddamn miracle but when a woman does a magic trick she gets burned at the stake
fabulous
i mean they did also kill jesus. that was a pretty significant thing that happened. like i understand where you’re coming from here but they very much did kill jesus.
#HAPPY GOOD FRIDAY
shipment officers, gently nudging Ever Given with their 8 tugboats: Ever Given move out of the way please so you don’t block the entire global trade
Ever Given, her lamplights enormous: you SHOVE ever given? you shove her hull like the big boulder? oh! oh! no commerce for human! no commerce for human for One Thousand Years!!!
I AM ABSOLUTELY LOSING MY MIND AFTER READING THIS PLEASE READ IT
READ PART TWO AND THREE BELOW !!!!!
there is a VERY chaotic Cupid running around this village
^ that last comment 🤣
I never knew i needed this in my life, to believe there’s kindness that still exist in this world. Thank you God, i’m glad i lived
HOLY SHIT
Happy one-year anniversary to whatever the hell was going on with Animal Crossing fans when New Horizons came out
We need more fantasy media that’s about evil wizard succession crises. Like, when your entire apparatus of empire is built on the assumption that your head of state will literally live forever, an assumption that for the past several centuries has proven correct, suddenly having to figure out how to preserve administrative continuity is kind of a big deal in ways it simply isn’t in a state where you elect a new tyrant every four or five years, or even a state where you can at least plan on the current one dying of old age every few decades.
Like, I don’t even care about the politics and bloodshed that will inevitably attend deciding on a successor. I want to see how the imperial bureaucracy copes with the sudden and catastrophic loss of institutional knowledge that only the withered old fuck on the throne had access to.
I would also be interested in fantasy media that’s literally just the Wizarding Bus Book in case of Evil Wizard Sudden Death. A Bus Book is a document administrative staff often prepare which contains all protocols, passwords, templates, and et cetera that they use. So called because “If I was hit by a bus and killed tomorrow, someone could use this book to take over my job.” When I was a project manager my bus book ran about 70 pages, though admittedly about 20-30 of those pages were records of previous years’ budgets and like five different contact sheets.
In theory I suppose for an evil wizard that’s just a grimoire, but I would love to see a grimoire organized like a bus book. Like, in the back there’s a list of demons and their summoning spells and advice like “Likes raw chickens, is not the Evil Being to ask about vengeance”. There’s an entire chapter that’s just samples of vaguely threatening letters the evil wizard has sent to neighboring kings. Inventory list of the Cabinet Of Potions and what dumb hero you have to trick into procuring each item. Org chart detailing the hierarchy of minions and when their birthdays are. Notes on which other Evil Wizards are feuding with each other. Dark Palace of Pain Operating Budgets. Perhaps the family trees of a few of the more troublesome local heroes so you can taunt the ones with daddy issues.
Okay but like, the evil wizard usually isn’t the one with that knowledge.
The one with that knowledge is going to be Brenda, who’s worked in Castle Administration and Policy for like 50 years because her mom was a kitchen manager and Brenda was basically raised by the various castle secretaries and severants and everyone respects and she’s One of Us but she knows how to talk to One of Them.
And Brenda isn’t dying anytime soon, because she’s tougher than that, but she’s definitely Entering Retirement.
And good luck getting a damn thing done when the candles aren’t lit on time and the legal calendar isn’t matched to the financial calendar and both forgot to take into account the actual fricking weather (because no one wants to go around collecting taxes in a blizzard, Gerald).
This is a good point and The Bus Book of Brenda The Evil Henchmanager is absolutely a book I would read.
Thinking about this in traditional D&D terms, the first thing I thought of is in the famous underground dark elf city of Drizzt fame, it’s the job of the highest-ranking wizard in the entire city to renew the light spell on the city’s central stone pillar every single day so the city’s residents can track the day’s passage (since they have no access to sunlight). This wizard is like Gandalf-level in terms of power and one of his Very Official Duties is essentially being an arcane lamplighter.
Continuing the train of thought though, an evil wizard having a bus book makes a HELL of a lot of sense. There’s literal passwords (command words) required to activate ancient magical artifacts, undead domination spells that need to be renewed lest the army of ghouls in the crypts break free and rampage through the castle, demon truenames and lich phylactery locations that need to be known but also carefully guarded...these are all giving me amazing campaign ideas.
Las leyes de la física son inquebrantables.
This is legitimately the funniest thing ive ever seen
I’m screaming
SDHSKSJHSJS I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING