"I remember now why we fell in love. It was for tax purposes."
"I'm not happy that it's all our fault, but at least it's not all my fault."
"I love shower sex. IKEA are less keen."
"All I ever wanted was somebody to blame."
"Sorry, I'm not a firefighter - I dress like this to do burglaries."
"If I meet the man of my dreams I hope he doesn't know about my dreams."
"I'm trying to crowdsource a really good fuck."
"If 'garage sale' was an innuendo for anal sex I would snicker more on weekends."
"I am a generous lover but for selfish reasons."
"A fairy tale ending is really bad for about half the characters."
"Ooh yeah baby, I bet I'd get on well with your parents."
"I never stopped loving you... or started, to be honest."
"How much more pathetic do I need to be before I start getting pity sex?"
"I've got a medical condition. Actually, I guess it's more a fetish."
"I got hit by an ambulance but it was already full."
"I would never fuck an animal unless it was a really good kisser. Like, really, really good."
"I literally nailed a plank once."
"Yours is a finer ass than I will ever touch for free."
"My imaginary girlfriend has real breasts."
"I have travelled to the realm of death and brought back novelty pencils."
"I think I might be great at oral sex, but can you trust the opinion of someone you've blown?"
"True love's okay, but a series of false loves gives you more variety."
"You can stop saying 'fuck', I know what we're doing."
"Expect disappointment and you won't be disappointed."
"Your cock seems sort of bland. I did learn fellatio on sausages, though."
"Wow! I like your temporary tattoos! Temporary in that one day you'll die."
"You're a Jehovah's witness? What's Jehovah accused of?"
"Articlefucker Magazine. I just read it for the articles."
"Just because you're sitting on an octopus doesn't make you king of the sea."
"As my wedding gift to you, I'm not coming."
"If I were any more attractive I'd be totally incompetent."
"I shall eat the hearts of my enemies to gain their strength, then I'll eat broccoli so kids will hate me."
"Sexual innuendo? I can keep it up all night."
"I'm so bad at shoplifting, it's technically looting."
"Please express your sexual desire as an infographic. I understand little else."
"You can't call it 'figure skating' and then expect me not to masturbate."
"God can't see you when it's cloudy."
"Pulling knobs opens doors."
"Sometimes, to find yourself, you have to get lost. So, uh..."
"You can't fuck all the hot guys, logistically, unless your standards are very high indeed."
"I want my funeral to be a sex funeral. How do I make sure that happens?"
"I think you might be on fire but I'm not an expert."
"Love is a game to you, but to me it's a sport. Put on the padding."
"I'm looking for the kind of problems you can solve with sex."
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