TW: Abuse, violence, Suicidal ideation, SA, trauma dump
The summer before 8th grade my family set me up to get beat up by my sister. We were both going to be going to the same middle school.
I don't have any memory, other than stomping on her face and realizing during mid-stomping that it was my sister and that I would get in big trouble. So I ran.
For the next week my sister would pick little fights with me, every day. My mom would come in our room, say she's punishing both of us and would slap my sister with a belt, on her hand a few times. Then she would send my sister out the room, close the door, and attack me with the belt.
After about a week of this, I began to get frustrated and told her to stop 'FUCKING' hitting me. She would hit me harder and tell me not to cuss. I would cuss louder and use all the cuss words I knew. I would tell her that I would stop cussing when she stopped hitting me.
She would continue hitting me until she got tired. I would get the last cussword out.
Then my dad started coming home in the middle of the day. He would also 'correct' me for something I did, beating me until he tired out while I would cuss him out until he stopped.
It all stopped when my sister and I had a conversation and she told me that I must love being beat. I told her that was a lie. She told me that it was clear because I would cuss my parents and they said they would stop once I stopped cussing.
So the next day I was quiet while he beat me and they stopped assualting.
A week later my sister set me up to get jumped by some girls from school. It was three of them and she told me that I started the fight. (The girl whispered fuck off to me after I said hi to her and I loudly to her to fuck off.) My sister exclaimed that she only heard me and that she wasn't gonna get beat up for me. I was so scared because I didn't have any memory of the fight with my sister. I didn't know that I could fight.
The girls waited outside the store for us. I handed my sister the bags. One girl slapped me in the face. I went to slap her but was kicked hard AF in my ass and bumper into her instead. So I spun around and started swinging. The girl i was swinging on ducked her head and grabbed my shirt. I kept swinging until we were on the ground, me on top of her.
After a minute or so of punching her, she just held onto my shirt. My sister grabbed me up and forced me to get off the girl. The other two were on the other side of the parking lot. About a block away waiting.
The cashiers came out and said that I was right to protect myself that they were calling the cops on those girls for attacking me.
When we went back to school my sister missed the bus every day. I would catch the bus without her until my mom threatened me, telling me that I wasn't allowed to leave without my sister. We started catching public transportation to school and would miss half our classes and miss lunch.
I was stressed. So I would leave on time and beg the bus driver to wait for my sister. She would wait for about five minutes and then beg me to just get on the bus. I would refuse and she would apologize and the leave.
This continued for a few weeks until my principal called me into his office. He told me that if I didn't make it to first period on time, I was gonna be in trouble. I was scared and stressed and he assured me that if anyone had a problem with it, he would talk to them.
I started catching the bus on time every day. My mom and my sister stopped talking to me for the rest of the year.
Except my sister followed me one day during my track practice after school. She brought her friends and kept telling me that a weirdo was stalking her. I just listened as I went to the bathroom and on the way back to the field she called me back. I stopped walking and the caught up, along with the 'weirdo stalker'. I asked my sister what she wanted and she nodded to the girl. The girl kicked my sister in the shin and I slapped her in the face.
It was more so reflex than anything because I thought she kicked me. My eyes followed her leg as it kicked a brown leg, identical and right next to mind.
I just walked away and went back to practice because I didn't understand what was going on. It was also a Friday.
On Monday the a girl ran up to me saying, "OMG!! YOU SLAPPED A WHITE GIRL!!"
I didn't know what to say to her so I just kept walking. Then the 'stalker-weirdo' walked up to me saying that she was gonna sue me for giving her whiplash. I told her to get outta my face.
Then in fifth period I was called to the principals office. Stalker-weirdo was there. She explained that I slapped her. I explained that it was reflex and that I didn't mean to. But that she had kicked my sister. She said that I had given her whiplash. I explained that there was no way I could have given her whiplash because "I don't even know what that means!!"
My principal dismissed her and asked me how things were going. I told that I was fine until I was called out of class. He dismissed me. Class was over by time I got back.
My memory was pretty fucked up throughout my life. I couldn't remember most traumatic things. It was like every day was a fresh start for all the people who sought to abuse. Now, as an adult, my memories have been flooding back.
I just remembered that year and everything that transpired. That wasn't the end though. When summer started my mom started beating me daily again. This time with no 'reason'.
I would cook breakfast. We would eat. Then she would beat me and I would cuss her out. Then I would cry until all the welts were gone. I would sort of 'switch' and leave my room feeling refreshed. Cook dinner and hangout with my family until bed. In the morning it would repeat. Cook breakfast, eat, get beat, cuss, cry, switch, cook dinner, eat, hangout, bed time.
After about two weeks of this daily routine where I was getting more and more erratic during the beatings, my brother woke up from his late sleep and walked out of his room and smacked me across the face extremely hard. I was shocked and scared and went to my room crying.
The next day as my brother was walking towards my dad just happened to pop in and ask me why I was cussed so loud. I explained that my mom was hitting me for no reason. They all backed off. While in my room my mom and dad stood outside my window and she told him that she was going to kill me. He told her to just do it then. I decided that I would save her the trouble and do it myself.
I walked to the kitchen. Grabbed the cleaver and planned on starting with chopping off my legs. (Like I did when I chopped chicken. Start with the legs.) I wasn't scared, I wasn't really thinking fully, I was just determined.
I decided to do it in the back yard because I didn't want to mess up the kitchen with blood. As I was walking outside with the cleaver my dad asked me where I was going. I told him to the back yard. He asked me what I was doing with the cleaver, I couldn't voice my plan so I just shrugged and put it on the counter. Then I ran to the park.
The next morning my dad woke me up and said I was leaving to work with him. It was 5am and he dropped me off at a store that was locked up. He gave me money for food and picked me up around 4pm. This continued for a few weeks until one day my parents came by the store, opened the doors, turned on the lights and kept making rude comments that I was confused about.
The next day, on my way back from getting food, at 9am, I saw my friend's car outside the store. In the time that I was gone, the store had been opened and lights turned on by my dad's friend, Ezra. Ezra was talking to my friend and her mom in the doorway. I was excited to see my friend. She asked if I could come over and I called my mom and she said yes.
That became routine for a few weeks. I would go to the store at 5 am, get food at 9am, walk back to see Ezra there with the door open and the lights on, my friend and her mom would pull up and I would leave with them.
Then my dad stopped waking me up and instead my friend's mom would show up at my house at 9am, without my friend and we would go to their apartment. She explained that she worked graveyard and that it was easier to pick me up straight from work rather than getting her daughter first. And she would then drop me off before she went to work.
So, now I realize that they definitely knew that I was being beat and her mother decided that a front wasn't the place for a teenage girl to spend her summer.
The whole school knew about my abuse and my disability. Essentially my family, people from high-school and others who I have met throughout my life participated in stalking, abusing and sexually assaulting me. After graduation from high-school, most people only sought to exploit and sexually traffick me.
I spent most my life simply switching and forgetting all the harm that was happening to me. I'm isolated now only because I stopped working, stopped going to school, stopped living essentially and was homeless for three years. I've also been no contact for three years. Except the few times my family and their friends have stalked me and forced me to talk to them.
Sorry for venting so much. I just had to get it all out.
