True Blue @bluegunpowderjinx - Tumblr Blog

(OMG I AM SO BACK HEY HI HELLO UMM TRIGGER WARNING CHAPTER WILL CONTAIN:

Panic attacks

Vomiting

Mentions of self-harm

Psychosis

Hallucinations

Blood and ending of one's life.

Pregnancy

I AM SORRY FOR ANY TYPOS OR MISTAKES

UNDER EDITING ON TUMBLR)

Song for Chapter: Specter

By: Bad Omens

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:

Oh, I can't leave,

but I can't be in this place

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:

･*☆¸¸.•*¨*• Jinx •*¨*•.¸¸☆*･ﾟ

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:

I didn't open my mouth once on the way back home, I was unsure of what to say, what to do. Every time I thought about it, about anything else it would slip. Like trying to hold onto something that was already slick in my grip...

I shouldn't have been so reckless and fucking irresponsible. Would've, could've, should've, it won't make any difference now...

What am I supposed to do now? Without my dad, my mom, my sister? Anyone? The question never lands, it just echos in an empty abyss. I just hope to Gods Ekko doesn't know yet. He can't.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ

This must all be an

illusion skipping frames

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ

I had no stable support system, I didn't have a stable mental track record when it comes to my mental health. So - of course, leave it to me to jinx everything around me. I'm not mother material, I'm just... me.

Everything that I touch just explodes and disintegrate's in my hands. Not sudden or loud, just slow, and eerily quiet. The flames that which are cold to the touch I can feel coiling around me all over again. That same, icy hot curl inside my stomach, settling where it never should. Something there, that I can't bring myself to come to light yet...

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ

I wouldn't be surprised if Ekko kicked me to the curb if he knew that I was pregnant. I couldn't hide it from him forever, could I? Fuck, I could just leave Zaun and steer clear of Piltover entirely. Take a boat or an airship, pack a bag tonight and disappear without a trace. It's... not like I'm wanted here anyways.

My feet dragged across the warped wooden floors of my late father's home, each step heavy with hesitation. The air was stale and thick with dust that had the audacity to cling to the back of my throat with every single inhale. Tobacco and cheap booze stained the entire place so strongly that the smell practically lived inside the fucking walls. It was enough to halfway make me gag...

"Sevika..." I muttered under my breath as I turned to walk down the hallway and into the kitchen.

There she was, leaning against the counter and smoking a cigar of all things inside. Like she owned the place...

The room was thick full of smoke, grey and dense clouds were swirling around in the air. Suffocating and hot as every inhale I threatened to take made my throat feel clogged. Resulting in my stomach twisting violently in protest.

She turned to face me, "Jinx, where the hell have you been for the past few days?" Her expression stiffened, almost as if she was appalled to have this conversation with me. As if speaking to me was utterly exhausting to her.

"With Ekko." I replied, forcing the words out of my mouth casually despite the fact that my entire body felt like it was screaming.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

Years of living with a cold

and empty space

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

Her dark brown eyes widened in surprise, smoke catching in her throat as she took another hit of her cigar. Breaking into a rough, barking cough, turning away slightly as the smoke curled around us. I heard her audibly clear her throat, turning to face me again. Her breath gradually becoming even again.

"Oh, really?" She chuckled slyly, "that boy savior certainly knows how to keep you occupied, doesn't he?"

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

And it haunts me

every time I think

I'm safe

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

My heart dropped down into my twisting stomach as my chest tightened and thudded, so fast I was worried it would burst out of my chest.

The air somehow became thicker, heavier - like the walls were closing in around my lungs. Becoming all the more smothering by the moment.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

Do you feel love?

I know I don't

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

I forced out a chuckle, "oh, you have no idea."

My arms were wrapped tightly around my chest as I fought to keep myself from throwing up. But I was absolutely nauseated as the room began to spin and I saw spots dancing in my vision.

I blinked away the spots, leaning my shoulder against the wall to look at her, she was staring me down with a stern look in her eyes. Her expression, unreadable. Like I was on trial for something I didn't even know I'd done... Causing my shoulders to tense and my stomach muscles to clench, instinctively.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

With no one to hold...

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

"So... how're things going with him? You are aware that I need you here. That other people need you here." She exhaled in what appeared to be disappointment. "When are you going to stop leaving and stick around here and help me with shit?"

I scoffed, "no offense, Sevika, but what in the hell do you care about my love life? I'm twenty-one, I'm not a fucking kid."

My jaw clenched as my brows pulled together, peering up at the taller woman. My eyes meeting hers. "Do you really want to know why I haven't bothered sticking around?" I shook my head as a shuttering exhale left my throat "because my father is gone." I didn't stop, even as my voice wavered.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

Do you feel love, love, love?

Do you feel love?

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

"No one needs me, Sevika, no one wants me, no one cares about me... The only fucking person who actually gave a shit about me is gone!" My voice broke as tears almost immediately started rolling down my cheeks.

These damn pregnancy hormones making me cry at the drop of a fucking hat...

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

My head quickly became a pounding ache, the entire room spun around as if I was on a carousel. My breaths became heavy, my mouth began to salivate as my heartbeat thudded... My head throbbing with each beat, and that's when I knew it was over.

Bright, colorful, firework-like spots exploded in my vision, the lights becoming so bright... That it was as if the room was pulsating along with me. My chest rattled, and every move I made felt like I was skipping frames.

I stood straight up, stumbling on one foot as I shuffled to the sink. The burning bile and stomach acid crept its way up my throat as tears rolled down my cheeks. Hunched over as my tastebuds were met with the godawful bitter taste of stomach acid. I dry heaved and coughed, vomiting as my stomach clenched painfully over and over. Forcing out whatever was or wasn't in my body.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

Dizziness couldn't even describe how awful this all was - it was as if I was drunk off tequila and vodka all at once.

The voices of my dead brothers ran through me, once whispers soon becoming overlapping screams.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

This is your fault, Jinx! - Mylo

You are not fit to raise a kid, you fucking idiot! - Claggor

You're so fucking irresponsible, what were you thinking?! You're a jinx, and this kid will be one too! - Mylo

You're a jinx, you're a jinx, you're a jinx..!

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

It replayed like a mantra inside my brain, my ears, my knees locked and my body was trembling, I was finally done throwing up... gradually, I stood back up - only to stumble and nearly fall over had Sevika not caught me.

The expression on her face was clear as day now, she looked at me with sheer disappointment and disbelief. Shock, even...

Sevika was actually shocked.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

When you're alone

Do you feel at home?

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

"I could actually kill you right now, Jinx. What in the absolute hell were you thinking? How..." She let out a wavering breath, "how could you be so irresponsible?"

Her statement made my heart shatter into millions of tiny pieces, my bottom lip quivered.

Salty, hot tears burned the rims of my eyes, "I-I don't know, S-Sevika..."

That's when I realized there was no point in hiding anymore.

I couldn't help but let out a sob as my chest shook, as soon as she let go of me I fell onto my knees on the floor. No sense of awareness until I was already down... My body curled inward with my forehead against the cold tiled floor - sob after sob breaking out through me, my slowly healing ribs aching with each shaky movement.

My head still spun as my eyes squeezed shut, I went silent as my breath was held from crying so heavily. Everything became black as white, ashy, static-looking spots popped up across my vision.

Panic consumed me, I couldn't breathe.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

Am I dying? Is this what death feels like? I couldn't bring myself to move...

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

Do you feel love, love, love?

Do you feel-

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

"Jinx!" I heard Sevika calling my name, too sudden, too loud, too close. Causing my eyes to shoot open, my breath still refusing to fully come back.

Pressure on my temples began to gather as she pulled me upright. My vision completely blurred and unstable as my eyes rolled slightly.

I couldn't focus on a goddamn thing if my life depended on it...

"Jinx, hey! Breathe!" She shook me and shook me, until she ultimately had to...

"Ouch!" I held my cheek, jolting, "did you just slap me?!" My chest heaved as air finally reached my lungs again. Sharp and broken inhales and exhales were flowing in and out of my throat.

"You weren't breathing, I had to do something." She ran her hand through her hair, "have you told anyone?" She was rendered breathless.

"I..." I paused, "I haven't even told myself, Sevika. And I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do, and I don't want to see any... "Doctors" in the under-city to try to terminate the pregnancy."

"So, you want to keep the baby?" Her eyebrows rose up.

"I don't know, possibly..." I spoke hesitantly, my voice breaking once more. "But I doubt it." My throat tightened.

"Why?" She asked, her cadence sounded demanding.

"Because I-I don't know the first thing about raising a kid, I have no stable support system, I'm barely at home enough to even call it home. Oh, and did I mention that I'm a wanted fucking criminal?!" I snapped, my voice cracking like a whip, panting suddenly, "I can't do this, Sevika..." My voice trembled as a teary chuckle left my mouth. Shoulders shuddering...

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

Like a frenzy, like an ocean overflowed

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

"You can."

"But what if I can't?"

"You can."

"But what if I can't?" I argued, my tone sharp.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

This must all be just an accident at most

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

"Wh-why do you have faith in someone like... me, Sevika..? No one... n-no one else does." My voice trembled as I spoke, I could feel myself crumbling down more and more by the moment.

I wish I could just disappear, or take back the nights I was reckless with Ekko when we had sex... But in hindsight, he could've been more careful too. What in the hell was wrong with us?

"You will figure this out, Jinx." Sevika tried to lift me up, kneeling down to my level. "Let me help you up."

"Since when do you want to help me?" My teeth gritted together, "stay away from me, I've got it."

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

Oh, I'm changing, and I feel more like a ghost

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

"Like hell I'm letting you get up by yourself. You just collapsed on your goddamn knees, kiddo."

I was resistant and hesitant to allow her to help me, even as I was limp it was as if lifting me up was nothing to her. Made me wonder how much I weighed right now...

I felt pretty pathetic as she carried me up to my bedroom, opting to gently put me down on my cushion-y futon. I only strive for comfort in this one specific room, even though I have never known true comfort a day in my miserable fucking life.

I peered up at Sevika, "I'm not... made to create anything beautiful." I shook my head slowly, as tears stung the rims of my eyes. "I-I'm not ready to be a mother, Sevika." My voice shattered, my heart suddenly breaking into tiny pieces of the thinnest material of glass. "I-I'm p-pregnant..." I said underneath my trembling breath, clutching my hands over my chest. "I-I've ruined everything!" I sobbed, doubling over as my throat became tight and scratchy.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

Like a specter...

in your headlights on the road.

Do you feel love? I know I don't...

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

"No, kid, you didn't ruin everything." Sevika grabbed me a blanket, I tensed up as my jaw clenched.

"What're you doing?" I snapped, reluctant to whatever she was trying to do.

"I'm trying to help you get comfortable and be a good aunt to you here, kid." She shook her head, I rolled my eyes, huffed and allowed her to do that.

I kicked off my shoes, my sore body now lying in my bed, Sevika covered me up with my two softest and warmest blankets, and gave me my bunny rabbit. I missed sleeping with my bunny rabbit...

"I may not know what the hell the future holds, kiddo. But I've got you, alright?" She assured me, and aside from our differences and... challenges between us, I did know she always had my back.

"Th-thank you..." I sniffled, rubbing my nose, "can you turn the light off when you leave?" My eyes felt dry and swollen from all of the crying and the tears. I wish I knew what it was like to go a day without crying.

However, I knew that these pregnancy hormones were only going to get worse as time went on, and the more time I spent wasted on telling Ekko... The farther along I'd be in this pregnancy. He'd find out eventually, and I don't know how Sevika clocked me so fast. But damn, I truly can't hide shit from her...

"Sure kid, goodnight." She stated, turning off my lights.

She'd better not kiss me on the head or something... I thought to myself, hearing her footsteps leave.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

With no one to hold

Do you feel love, love, love?

Do you feel love?

When you're alone

Do you feel at home?

Do you feel love, love, love?

Do you feel love?

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

My body felt clammy and weak - my head remained a pounding ache, stomach turning all over again... Guts churning.

I can never get a moment of goddamned peace...

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

My throat bobbed, tightening as acids from my stomach threatened to creep their way up my esophagus. Gagging, I had to sit up and find a trashcan to dry-heave and "vomit" into. My stomach pushing its way brutally against my spine, other organs contracting and tightening with me... Fuck.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

Nausea was an all-consuming stormy sea around me as I fell back against the bed, sobbing as tears fell down my cheeks. The heels of my hands dug into my swollen and undoubtedly bloodshot eye's. My breath was catching hard in the back of my dry, aching throat... Every inch of me ached in pure agony as I choked on every cry and tear that escaped my shuddering chest. My heartbeat going a thousand miles a goddamn second... My jaw clenched and my lips quivered.

Was this hell? This feels like fucking hell...

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

Something you're missing made you who you were

'Cause I've kept my distance, it just made it worse

But I've learned to live with the way that it hurts

Something you're missing made you who you were

'Cause I've kept my distance, it just made it worse

But I've learned to live with the way that it hurts

(Hurts)

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

My entire body trembled in sheer panic, every muscle on a vibrating overdrive as I began to scream... and scream. Colorful, blinding neon spots dancing inside my dark, spinning vision. The only sounds filling the air were my beating heart and uneven breathing... I wanted this to end, I needed this to end.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

Do you feel love?

I know I don't

With no one to hold

Do you feel love, love, love?

Do you feel love?

I know I don't

With no one to hold

Do you feel love, love, love, love?

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

"Jinx!" I heard a familiar voice calling my name, grabbing my wrists, jerking my hands away from my eyes - feeling a sharp pain inside my palms. I'd been digging my nails so deep in my hands that they felt wet... I'd made myself bleed. Fuck.

"It's okay, Jinx, I'm here. I'm right here, look at me." Ekko's tone was soft, but his throat was breathless.

I hesitated to meet his gaze, feeling a sudden weight being lifted off my chest as soon as my reddened eyes met his. "E-Ekko..." My voice cracked. Pitiful... Pathetic. "What're y-you doing here?"

He shook his head, "don't worry about it... I'm here." He wrapped his arms around me, my muscles tensed at the sudden affection I wasn't ready for.

"Ekko," I shuddered, "l-let go of me..."

"I'm sorry," he slowly let go of me, "you look so pale and tired, baby..." He brushed a piece of hair behind my ear.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

Too bad none of it was fucking real, and I was just... Alone. Until Sevika came in to check on me, give me plenty of water and a snack I neglected to eat once my panic attack was over. At least I... Hallucinated Ekko being here. Heh.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

I wish I could say that the night got easier from there, but that would be a blatant lie. I had nightmares all night - when I wasn't throwing up or restlessly tossing and turning. Quick to realize that with this... Little being inside me, it wasn't about me anymore. It couldn't afford to be. I had to sacrifice everything.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

And that terrified me more than anything...

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*

#lgbtqia #lgbt #lesbian #writing #bpd #venting #ranting #actually bpd #gay #arcane #jinx #jinx arcane #jinx fanfic #cait #caitly kiramman #vi #sevika #isha #hallucination

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

True Blue