Some hurt/comfort cuz I ain't feeling so good
Tw: self hate and self depreciating talk
Johnny felt like he was going to cry.
And not the light, few tears you wipe away and get on with, no, this felt like the kind where you forget where you are but feel horribly embarrassed at the same time and just want to curl up somewhere safe and familiar.
And it feels fucking horrible.
And it's felt fucking horrible for a long while now, and Johnny doesn't know how to deal with it. Not when he, theoretically speaking, should be feeling better by now. He does self care, he tries to find one good thing during the day, he talks to his friends (....okay maybe he'd been neglecting that but he's been busy), he doesn't obsess over the things that go wrong (he does, it doesn't feel good), he doesn't obsess over the idea that he should be further in his life because he's at age where he should have achieved so much more by now.
Doesn't think about all the things he's done wrong, or where he should have done differently, or how he should already have figured out what else he wanted in life besides the army, how he has hobbies but doesn't feel like doing them most of the time anymore.
How he feels so horribly embarrassed by the fact that he wants a romantic relationship, should have one by now (or at least have someone) but also really, really doesn't because he can't handle the idea of having someone else's needs he has to take care of right now.
It's a whole mess right now, and he feels like he's going to cry, because the cafeteria is out of the only thing he'd been looking forward to that day.
That last fucking piece of chocolate cake that he'd just seen a recruit nab and walk off with, when he'd already made a beeline for it as soon as he made it to the cafeteria.
But fuck, fuck it all, everything has been feeling awful for so fucking long and even now he can't catch a fucking break.
He just wanted a damn slice of mediocre chocolate cake.
Johnny's eyes burn as he throws out the rest of the food on his tray, the lump in his throat hurting in that familiar way whenever too much slams into him all at once, when he really doesn't want it to or believe he should be feeling like this.
It's shame, probably. And frustration. And anger. And self-pity. And sadness. And every other fucking emotion apparently because when he feels something, he feels all of it.
He's almost thirty but he still feels like a kid sitting at home on his bed, wondering what the fuck is wrong with him for feeling so many things all at once, how one bad thing can just- fuck everything else up.
Johnny inhales sharply as he turns the corner, throat clicking and he swallows around the lump there.
He ignores it. Knows it's Ghost but he just- he can't right now.
Not right now, not when he could blow up on the one person who makes everything feel okay, who already takes too much of his shit without complaint.
Who he's been avoiding, because he can't bring himself to be honest with the feelings rushing inside of him every time he sees him.
Though, apparently he's not fast enough.
Because the next second he's slammed against the wall, Ghost hovering over him, eyes pinched under the soft black balaclava he's taken to wearing when on base.
"Fucks sake, what's up with you?"
Ghost's voice is clipped, probably with concern rather than the annoyance Johnny feels it as.
"Nothing, sir." Johnny grinds out, attempting to push past Ghost. Which proves to be Impossible, because Ghost is a mountain apparently.
"Doesn't seem like nothing. Someone piss in your coffee this morning?"
"Can ye just fock off? I ain't in the mood."
Simon pauses for a moment, seemingly surprised by Johnny's hostility, before something clicks behind his eyes.
He sighs, taking a step back and crossing his arms, looking straight at Johnny.
He doesn't give Johnny the time to argue back or even react, before he's walking off to god knows where.
Johnny's left there, feeling both confused and angry. (But hey, at least he can identify those feelings.)
He does end up outside of Simon's room thirty minutes later though. Even in the state he's in, he'd never ignore the rare invitation to Simon's room.
And what he finds is.... surprising, to say the least.
Simon practically pulls him in the moment he opens the door, the lock clicking shut behind him. He gives some clothes to Johnny, before pushing him into the bathroom, all before the Scot can even say anything.
They're just sweatpants and a sweater, apparently Simon's by the size of them, and Johnny is so, so confused.
"You once said you liked wearing uh- wearing my stuff. So, wear them." Simon says, awkward now where he's standing by the bathroom door, face bare for once.
"You can wear them. If you want to. If you don't, that's fine too. I'll wait outside."
Johnny just stares at the door as it closes, the clothes clutched tightly in his hands.
He does end up wearing them. He's also grateful Simon doesn't comment on it when he walks out of the bathroom.
"I have a movie on- I remember you mentioned it once." Simon says instead, nodding his head towards the laptop on his desk while laying a fluffy looking blanket on his bed, before propping some pillows against the wall behind.
Johnny doesn't say anything, just watches as Simon moves around.
Somehow, before Johnny even fully realizes it, he's pressed against Simon's side, the man's arm warm and heavy around his waist, cuddled under another blanket as they watch a comfort movie Johnny doesn't even realize he ever mentioned to Simon.
And somehow, Simon also got him a piece of the chocolate cake that had made Johnny feel like crying before.
Simon doesn't say anything, when Johnny presses in closer. Nor when he buries his face against his shoulder. Nor when he starts crying.
He doesn't say anything, but he just holds Johnny closer, resting his own head on Johnny's, letting the man cry for as long as he needs to.
He knows Johnny doesn't need words right now. They'd probably do more harm than good, for the man who's already thought out everything he's feeling and doesn't need anyone else commenting on it.
No, he just needs someone to not flinch at the sight of him not feeling happy, or getting angry at him for feeling bad, or feeling too much.
And in Simon's eyes, Johnny's too much has always been just enough for Simon. Because even when there are times when Johnny gets stuck in his head, when he withdraws into himself, Simon still loves him all the same. Because even when he's not at his best, his still the man who's lit up Simon's life in more ways that he can ever explain.
He's still Johnny, who Simon loves very much. Even when he hasn't said it out loud yet.
And Johnny can finally cry, without feeling bad about it.
The ending feels a bit rushed but I also like it.
