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He watch Yamamoto’s face closely after he spoke, watching as different emotions washed passed his eyes in seconds. He wanted to poke and probe, find out why he’d seen so many of them at once, what was he thinking, what about his words had caused him to cycle through those emotions before he had settled whatever he was feeling now. He felt his heart skip a beat at the thought that perhaps the rain guardian had felt something for him too, which gave him hope of being cured, but he instantly squashed that idea.
If his friend shared even a sliver of the possible feelings he had for him, then he would have heard of it by now. He didn’t think that the other guardian would hold onto such feelings secretly, he had always spoken what he thought, but maybe he was scared just like Gokudera was. Scared that it was all one sided, or worried that it was just a projection and not real. There were so many outliers so many thoughts flowing through his head, he just couldn’t sit here and go with the flow, he needed to be sure, needed to think, sort out his thoughts and feelings. It would be easier than just hunting people down.
“No….it wouldn’t hurt physically to try. But it could hurt in other ways if my theory is correct….” He began speaking as he took a seat on the couch and leaned back, laying Uri on his stomach as he glanced at his ceiling. “I run the risk of ruining the current relationship i have with the person, and I honestly don’t want to risk that at all. The relationship I have with this person is very important to me right now so I’d rather die of this dumb disease than ruin everything we’ve spent years building up.”
He knew better than to have gone that far since this whole thing had started with them aruging about whether he should or should not fight the illness, but it was true. He knew he probably spoke too much on the matter even before stating that, but if Yamamoto actually caught the hints, then i was better for them both because then he would at least somewhat understand why and hopefully it would end it there.
“No matter what it’s not really my choice what ends up happening. I could go ahead and confess like you want me to, but it could still be completely one sided so I’ll have to wait for the vaccine, and if there’s no vaccine then I suffer. If I confess and it ruins our current relationship then I’ll be hurting double then. There are so many variables in this situation that can lead to several different endings and nearly all of them don’t end well.”
Someone important? he mentally repeated to himself, stopping where he stood, watching as the teen sat, obviously it had to be someone important to the storm guardian for him to even be affected by the disease in the first place, but those he considered as important were very few, of what the rain guardian had learned from all the years he'd known the other teen. He could probably even say with confidence that they were all someone that Yamamoto, himself, knew as well. And of course it was something he didn't want to ruin especially when trusting others wasn't something the storm guardian tended to do very easily, something he knew first hand as he'd spent what had to be months maybe even years trying to get Gokudera to trust him in return, let alone care for someone in a way that could be labeled as love. So clearly it was someone they both knew, of that he could be sure of, which meant it had to be someone back home, someone the storm guardian couldn't get to even if he'd wanted to confess given their inability to leave Wonderland at the moment. But something in the way the teen had spoken about who this person was or how he didn't want to ruin things didn't imply at all that it was someone back home, like the matter of not being able to confess wasn't even an issue but more of the way Gokudera didn't want to risk ruining anything he had with this person. Which served in narrowing down who this person was quite a bit and with that thought alone, his heart skipped an almost painful beat, the answer somewhat obvious but the doubt that he was wrong still rang in his ears as the other teen continued to speak. Why did this seem so much harder now that they're speaking about it than it did when Gokudera first started to cough up the petals? He almost wanted to laugh at his earlier thought of it being something easy to confess, what a fool he'd been. Why did this all have to be so complicated? "But," he started, pausing as he gathered his thoughts, "how is that fair to them or to you?" He asked from where he stood, looking away from the teen and instead settling on the wall on the opposite side of the room. "Do you really think they'd be happy to watch you be in pain? How can you even be sure that they don't feel the same way as you when you don't even try? When you don't give them a chance?"
"What if you're wrong?" He continued, returning his gaze back to the seated teen, "what if they do feel the same? How is giving them a chance any different than waiting on a vaccine if the odds are about the same?" A part of him wanted to ask, to confirm what he thought he knew but another part of him still had it's doubts, almost afraid that he was wrong, but regardless if it all he wanted to help most of all, because watching the storm guardian be in pain for however long this disease lasted was something he didn't want and couldn't do. "Why be so quick to assume that they'll all end badly?" He paused, mentally debating with himself whether or not his next words would be the right thing to say, but also not wanting to continue running around in circles, back and forth, if the answer was screaming at them from all directions. He hesitated, the doubt and fear that he was wrong still ringing loudly within him, screaming at him to stop but knowing he couldn't continue to watch the storm guardian get worse as the hours continued to pass. "Is it me?" He finally asked, knowing that regardless of what the teen responded, something between them would change after today.
