The Ocean It Takes Me

JAKOB'S MOMMA She/Her

[bluheaven-adw]

There are two people in my life I love... TRULY love... one of which is Jakob... my son, my mi̱ko.... and now I've lost him... temporarily. I have faith in him though. I have so much I want to give him, so much I want to make up for. He deserves the world, he deserves all the love, and hugs, and happiness. And I would do everything in my power to give it to him. I don't care about anything else. I always promised him I was going to hold on, and never let go.... that I would always love him no matter what... and I intend to keep that promise. No matter what anyone else says, I will alway love him, I will always cherish him, I will always be here for him, and I will always be so fucking proud of him. I hope he'll see this.... and know just how much I love him... more than there are stars in every fucking universe. And no matter what anyone else says, I could never be mad at him, and never ever hate him, and there is nothing he could do that would ever make me love him less. I will always love all of him with all that I have, I will always accept everything he is with open arms.

I'd spend the rest of my days making up for all that his bio mom never gave him, and be furiously happy doing it... and it would be a life well lived.

Θα σ'αγαπώ για πάντα, γιε μου, καρδιά μου αγαπημένη

There is nothing he could do that would ever make me love him less. I will always cherish him, I will always love him, I will always be proud of him, and I will always be here for him... no matter what. My son, please never be afraid of losing me. I'm not going anywhere and I'm never letting go. I will never give up on you, you are worth fighting for. You’re always a part of me. I’m always a part of you. You are my son.

You hit 18 mi̱ko.... either message me and I'll come get you, or you fucking find me... You fucking live for me, and I will do the same for you... and don't let go... never let go, because I'm not. This is not the end. Because there is hope at the end of this. There is light. IT IS YOURS... it is already yours....

#This might be the hardest thing you've done yet #but you turn 18 that makes you an adult #you are a legal adult and she can't stop you #if you try to come and she stops you #or you don't have the money/ resources #you escape.. you run... you contact me... here or discord or email. #or call #and I will catch the first flight out and I will come #I'll help you find a safe place to stay until then #I'll help you get your things safely #I'll get you out #I promise #you will always have a home here #recovery #ptsd #trauma ~ #mental health #physical abuse #abuse recovery #controlling parents #toxic parenting #neglectful parents #control

[bluheaven-adw]

Hi everyone... for those who follow me for my art, I made a side-blog at

Bluheaven Art (@bluheaven-art) on Tumblr

Art side-blog for bluheaven-adw All 100% human made art From sketches to fully finished

Because I won't be posting much on main, there are things I don't want to push way down the line by posting too much here. It will remain, though, this account is a drag path.

Thank you, and I'm sorry

[bluheaven-adw]

[bluheaven-adw]

[bluheaven-adw]

More Grace sketches

[bluheaven-adw]

I'm sorry

[bluheaven-adw]

I hope you’re doing okay 💙

I'm not really... I pretend like I am, but I'm not

[bluheaven-adw]

Have another

[bluheaven-adw]

It's been a while since I made art. PHM has me in a chokehold though

[bluheaven-adw]

Today we went to the coast for the end of whale watching week. We started at the Whale Watch Center in Depoe Bay. Didn't see any actual whales except J's... Saw two eagles though.

We were walking back to the car to go up to Boiler Bay viewpoint, and a wave splashed way up the sea-wall and made a bunch of spray and it made a rainbow right in front of me and it lingered a long time and then the wind blew the spray mist all around me so I got misted by it. Felt like a hello momma, love you... just for me. I love you too kiddo, so damn much 💙

We met local volunteers in both spots, and had so many wonderful talks about whales and other things. One lovely woman was talking about a trip she took with researchers, where she got to touch one, and I had actually seen her video on IG! We talked for a good half hour. She asked about Jakob’s whale, and we talked about him for a while and about signs and she gave me a hug, and it was wonderful.

After that we went to Yaquina Head lighthouse. I was hoping to sit and listen to the beach. For those unfamiliar, the beach is entirely tumbled black rock. The tide was out so we went tidepooling instead. Took some pictures, almost fell multiple times 🤦🏻‍♀️. The entire time I had the little whale tucked next to my heart in my jacket, just his little head poking out so it could see and absorb some ocean air.

Then we went to the boardwalk in Newport and found a phenomenal place to eat called Local Ocean Seafoods and had fish and chips (not my picture). Probably the best I’ve had. Felt wrong to leave the whale in the car and it had gotten too warm for my jacket anymore, so I tucked him into my purse like a tiny dog lol. Now he’s tucked safely under momma whales flipper.

So wonderful day all in all. I actually felt a bit of peace. Jakob has always been tied to the ocean. It was in his heart, and his heart was as big and wild and free. Ha…. I managed to go the entire day without tearing up until now. Which feels nice because our dumb asses forgot sunscreen and I am burnt, even my eyeballs feel burnt. It was good though. I miss him 💔

My heart is shattered. I'm not really ok, no matter how I look it, no matter whatever fleeting moments of peace and connection. I just feel hollow and broken. He should be here, he deserves to be here.

You should be here with us

#grief #griefjourney #myson💙 #oregoncoast #childloss

[bluheaven-adw]

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms

When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken

So, I hung my head and cried

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don't take my dear son away.... 💔

[bluheaven-adw]

I love you Jakob, my lovebug. I miss you, and long for you. So much that there is a pull in my soul, a need to close the distance in whatever way I can. I will forever love you, love you to the moon and back. Always.

Momma 💙

[bluheaven-adw]

[bluheaven-adw]

extreme unbearable emotional pain... constant, overwhelming, unsurvivable, unlivable.

That is what it feels like, every second of every day, and it just keeps getting worse

[bluheaven-adw]

I've been on tumblr for a while although rarely flicker in and out of the site. I remember joing the arcadia fanbase. I remember your posts and the artworks. I was gone for a time and haven't scrolled much on here. I'm sorry for your loss and just want you to know that even as anon i appreciate you

Thank you anon. I appreciate you too 💙🫂💙

[bluheaven-adw]

A song composed out of the stars you loved, mapped from the night sky on the day you were born. Stars, constellations, planets, Milky Way, and the Moon, their music from sunset to sunrise, just for you. Love you to the moon and back kiddo...

"We are, all of us, stardust, held together by love, for an instant..."

I will see you again, amongst the stars, one day.

[bluheaven-adw]