Bones and Dust

✦ ¹⁸ ✦ ɢᴇɴᴅᴇʀꜰʟᴜɪᴅ ✦ ᴀɴʏ ᴘʀᴏɴᴏᴜɴs ✦✞ ʙᴘᴅ ʙʟᴏɢ ˖ ᴠᴇɴᴛ ʙʟᴏɢ ˖ ᴍɪɴᴏʀs ᴅɴɪ ✩ ♡

[bone-sawz]

/) /)

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. .╭∪─∪────────── ✦ ⁺.

. .┊ Shea / Saw ⋆ 18

. .┊ ⨳゛♥︎ xxx ♥︎

. .┊ any prns ⋆ genderfluid ⋆ LGBT

. .┊ BPD, MDD, GAD, PTSD

. .┊ Mental health vent blog

. .┊ DMs Open

. .┊ 18+ ⋆ Mature themes

. .┊ https://discord.gg/HH2gJZkGKr

╰───────────── ✦ ⁺.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

[bone-sawz]

hes alllllll mine now miahjahahah

[bone-sawz]

i’m j not right

or good

[bone-sawz]

i’m so fucked

[mistermachoman]

"are you okay?" absolutely not but i'd rather kill everyone in the room than talk about it

[bone-sawz]

so here’s a rant i need to get out. just some things i need to get off my chest. words i didn’t get to say to M. so im going to tell you guys. if you want to read. id appreciate. thanks. and sorry i didnt rly stick to one writing style the whole thing but i dont wanna edit it.

tw:// sex, mental abuse, sexual abuse, forced sex work lowk j dont read ts if you’re sensitive to anything like that.

i hate M for always exploiting my darkest moments to get what he desired from me.

i hate him for acting like he was some perfect man who i couldn’t live without.

i hate him for acting like i needed him.

i never needed him. he needed me.

i used to worry hed forget me. now i know he never will.

he will claw and ache and thrust every recess of his mind longing scent of me.

and i will go days without thinking of him.

i will drive to the beach and burry my toes in the sand.

i will build a home for myself here.

in this city. in this body. in this mind.

while he relives those 2 weeks til death.

i bet the sex was the best part to him.

ill give it to myself i do have a phenomenal pussy. i made him cum twice in one go. like back to back. there’s no forgetting that.

there’s no forgetting the girl who stared at the back of your neck in class.

or the girl who cried n screamed because she was too scared to sleep. too scared of you.

or the girl who longed for your kisses. just to years later find out they’re shit.

or the girl who never lusted after you, finding out you have no idea what you’re doing in bed.

or the girl who you laughed at when she cried in your arms.

no forgetting that.

you were the beginning of everything that is wrong with me. you were what started this. and i’m so glad it really is over this time because god damn. fool me once shame on you but fool me… god knows how many times. shame on me. and shame on you for fucking using me.

shame on you for hearing what ben did to me n then doing it AGAIN.

shame on you for always trying to make your struggles seem worse.

shame on you for making me make and sell porn with you.

shame on you for it all. you knew what i was going through and you did it all anyways. why would you do me like that.

i knew you didn’t love me.

you just had to have something to love.

and it was a cute story to tell people.

so long as you didn’t tell the full story.

or even half the story.

only read half the title. then its a good story.

was it worth it. to get your dick wet?

you ruined me. matthew. was it worth it? at all?

do you lie awake at night in anguish and regret.

or do you sleep soundly knowing you got what you wanted.

do you touch yourself to the thought.

or try to claw out of your skin when you remember.

i try to claw out of my skin when i remember.

and when Ashton asks me why i did that to him. i don’t have an answer. why did i turn my head from heaven n walk into hell. i don’t know.

you knew i loved him. i told you that first day i saw you. i could see it in your eyes it made you sick as you stared into my eyes. the thought of me and another man. even seeing the ones of me and friends u hated.

you wanted me alone. that’s why you hated ethan after all. “guys know guys” yea. ethan likes fat bitches bro. i’m a skinny bitch. bffr.

i hope you start doing drugs again

give yourself an face tattoo that says “i like to mentally abuse women,”

so they can stay out of your path.

should be fucking required for filthy fat pigs like you. n itd fit right in w your other shitty tattoos.

[bone-sawz]

i don’t believe anyone most of the time but i rarely question you

i used to brag about how i didnt ever worry that you were disloyal because i, not for a second, thought you’d ever even glance in another womans direction. You were far too devoted to me for me to ever think of it.

now i do.

but not really because of anything you did.

but because my unquestioning trust lead to really bad distrust now.

i shouldve trusted my gut.

[bone-sawz]

no one here really even likes me. i don’t care that they’re leaving.

i hope you’re my forever ashton

i need you to be

my forever

i want to be a part of your family.

i want to be seen as family.

[bone-sawz]

it’s all fun and kinky sex til he asks the one question you refuse to even answer to yourself.

why do you want me to do things to you that others have done?

i don’t know.

[bone-sawz]

j so everyone knows i’m undiagnosed. ive gotten referrals to get diagnosed so many times for my suspected mental illnesses but haven’t been able to afford the appointments. im going to go to psychiatry soon and get diagnosed bc i can finally afford it. well rather, i met my deductible for healthcare this year and don’t have to pay.

[hedonistfucks]

you have to treat a boy like you treat a dog

[bone-sawz]

based

[bone-sawz]

i really wish i died.

[bone-sawz]

i always say i quit till i get caught.

[bone-sawz]

i’m sorry for not posting

i wanna kill myself tho if you were wondering.

did you feel the cuts when you kissed my thighs.

did you assume they were one with the amalgamation of scar tissue. 

you’re one to say if you noticed.

but i reckon you didn’t.

i’m never really going to stop. i’m sorry.

you’re sleeping when i’m struggling.

can’t call to cry to wake you.

i love you. id rather cut into my thighs than kill myself i hope you can accept that.

i know you see my blogs. do you see when i post or did you just check once?

so many questions, unassuming, unanswered.

[bone-sawz]

1 month. n i’ll be out your house mama. i’m sorry.

[bone-sawz]

everyone is acting like i should be super happy to be alive. but i just feel like more of a burden to be. i’m sorry mom. i don’t mean to cost you so much.

[bone-sawz]

god didn’t save my life last week.

nurses and doctors saved my life

ash saved my life

my mom saved my life

my dad

my sisters

my friends

god has no hand in my being alive. i’m so grateful for my life. im so happy to be alive. but it was all my family, a medical team, and my own strength.