Today, I have abstained from alcohol use for 90 days.
They say the first 90 days of sobriety are the hardest. Well, whoever the fuck “they” are are probably right.
I know that my journey to permanent abstinence after today isn’t going to magically become easier, as much as I wish to Cthulhu that it would. I know it’s still going to be a battle. I haven’t written anything (except for supremely emo shit) in a looonnng time.
A: I moved to LA and forgot my tumblr password.
B: I started drinking again when I moved to LA.
I moved back to Utah in December to try and get my shit together. So much happened in LA that damn near destroyed me while simultaneously building a stronger version of myself. While also simultaneously causing me to realize I had completely lost myself. My sense of “self” had completely vanished. I didn’t know who to be in social settings anymore. And not just social settings that strangers were a part of, I’m talkin EVERY SINGLE KIND OF SOCIAL SETTING. I couldn’t show up to anything without being a little bit buzzed. Even around friends I had been very close to, and comfortable with, for over 5-11 years.
It was terrifying. And horrible. And it shook me to my core. I was gone, whoever “I” was. The body I was living in was just a skin suit with a blank, empty space inside of it. “Me” wasn’t there anymore.
I began to spiral. Harder and faster than ever before. The idea of ending it all wasn’t just “a way to escape my pain” anymore, it was becoming “a necessity to make the world a better place”.
But I don’t really want to DIE. I don’t want to be done with this life. I just want the ugly things inside of me to just give me a minute or 19472848 to breathe. I needed to stop drinking. This time, not because I felt bad for how I treated people when I was drunk, or how stupid I looked when I would ugly-cry in public. But because, if I didn’t, I was going to kill myself.
One night, I took myself to see the new IT movie. Some weird divorcee weaseled his way into my would-be solo adventure, and bought me more booze than I was planning on having. I drove home. I shouldn’t have. I was wasted. I was sobbing.
What was my life? What the fuck was I doing? Everything felt like it was spinning past me and I couldn’t do anything to slow it down. I drove around the corner to my house. I was half a block away, and I decided to speed up. Fast enough to run head-on into a parked car a little further down from my house. It felt like slo-mo, even though I was going nearly 50mph, give or take. I slammed on breaks a few inches before I hit the car. I was crying pretty violently. Unblinking. Just staring ahead and wondering what the fuck I was going to do. I looked to my right and saw a party of about 7 people just staring at me. They saw the whole thing go down. I immediately backed up and drove back into my driveway, just in time to see these people go over to the car and get inside of it. It was there car, and I almost drove right into it. Right in front of them.
I had to go home. I had to get help. And I had to get sober. Again.
I know this is a dance I’ll be doing for the rest of my life. And the thought of that makes me more afraid than anything the world could throw my way. I don’t know how long I’ll go this time. I don’t know if I’ll make it to 30...40...75? All I know is that, for now, I’ve made it to 90 days. I know I can make it to 100.
I know that the battle to get and stay sober is a bitch. It’s so hard to give up something that brought you comfort and made the awful things you feel on the daily go silent for a little while.
I know how scary it is. I know how awful it feels. But we can get through this. I know we can. I know I can.
gummygunk
stormborns
pixelskylines
turnnoffyourmind
