Queen of Sass

I like to write my feelings. 18 years old.

[brenamich]

Hello, I don’t think we’ve met. Allow me to introduce myself; I am the girl that you See at the store. The one that doesn’t Stand out against the sea Of busy people purchasing groceries. I am the girl that whispers “excuse me” and “thank you” With a polite smile and head nod While you stare at cereal options. I am the girl that wanders Up and down every aisle Without a clear purpose. I am the girl that you wonder What is going on in her head? I am the girl that looks sad, Like she lost someone important. Maybe I look this way Because I have.

“An Introduction” a poem by brenamich.tumblr.com

[brenamich]

I'm sitting in a dark room. The only illumination is my phone screen Reminding me that I'm surrounded by people Yet still so alone. I'm laying under a heating blanket that Reminds me what it's like to feel closeness. There's an ache in my stomach and A pull on my sternum that Reminds me why I am not sleeping. Tonight, my arms have reached and reached for miles Hoping that they'd grasp an anchor To drag me back to the world of the living. My fingers are stretching, wiggling, hoping But nothing is in reach. I am truly alone. It's silly to feel this way Truly ridiculous. Just hours ago, I was giggling, laughing, smiling. Just hours ago, I was enjoying life and I Understood the purpose of the little things. Now, I have forgotten everything I knew. I have forgotten what it feels like to smile To live, to be free. Now, all I know is this emptiness in my stomach And the burning in my throat from the silent screams for help. The light on my phone burns my eyes But the burning reminds me what it's like To feel something other than emptiness. My eyes itch for the strength to cry But I simply don't have enough energy. My room is silent; The only sound is the fan and the music that reminds me What it's like to have feelings. I don't want to be this way. I want to know the purpose of life. I want to explore the world and see sights that make people cry. I want to feel the rays of the sun that warms my face And the breeze that dances through my hair. Perhaps in the morning I will remember what it's like To smile, to laugh, and to live. Perhaps in the morning, I will be worse But that's the beauty of life, isn't it?

[brenamich]

Day 103: 11:33 pm I don't know what happened tonight. All I know is that one second, I'm fine and doing my meditations and the next, I can't stop thinking about you. I cried for you, again. How you manage to hurt me by saying absolutely nothing blows my mind. This semester is going to be rough and I'm scared shitless for winter. I don't want to have another meltdown and these thoughts of you are only hurting. You hurt me so bad. It hurts to think about how easily you dropped me. I hate you for it. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Sometimes, I repeat that in my head like a mantra. Maybe if I convince myself that I hate you, I won't hurt so bad at the thought of you. I want to hate you. I want so badly to hate you. I just can't, though. I can't hate you and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for letting you do this to me. I hate myself for wanting you here. I hate myself for wanting to love you. You don't think about me. There's no way you could possibly think about me. I don't ross your mind late at night when you should be asleep. I don't cross your mind when it's raining. I don't cross your mind when you're feeling like the whole world is against you. I am not something you think of to calm your overactive nerves. Part of me wants to deny this, but I can't. The truth is that if you missed me like I miss you, you'd be making an effort. You aren't making an effort. You gave up on me. I don't know why and I don't really care. I just wish I could forget you like you so clearly and easily forgot about me. I hate you so much I hate you I hate you I hate you. I want to hate you, but I just can't I hate myself.

365 days of Missing You (brenamich.tumblr.com)

[brenamich]

Day 102: 8:58 pm This is my earliest note to you, but I haven't been able to get you out of my head for the last few days. Usually, I get through the day with minimal thoughts, but lately you've been on my mind, non-stop. It's driving me nuts and I hate it. I'm so mad at you. I'm furious with you. Why are you ignoring me? What did I do wrong? Why am I not good enough? I hate you for making me feel this way. I hate you for making me so happy and then disappearing. Why is it suddenly so difficult for you to just talk to me? I'm so mad that you aren't taking care of yourself. I don't understand why you think it is okay to do this. It isn't okay. You're worrying me. Please start taking care of yourself. If not for you, for me. And if you don't want to talk to me, that's fine, but please talk to your sister. She's worried about you and misses you. I miss you so damn much.

365 days of Missing You

[brenamich]

Day 82: 10:18 pm I’ve noticed that I usually miss you most early in the morning. I miss you most when the house is quiet and I’m left to my thoughts. I miss you most when I’m in bed, wishing you were here. Last night, I cried over you. It was about time. I usually cry more than once. I don’t know what it was that made me cry. I don’t know if it was the stress I felt about the new semester. Maybe it was the way I craved your touch. It was overwhelming, my loneliness. I was drowning in the memories of you. Maybe I cried because I needed to talk o you. I haven’t talked to you since June. What goes through your mind when you think of me? Do  you even think of me? I wish I didn’t miss the way your hand fit with mine. I wish I didn’t miss the way your lips felt on mine, or the feeling of your arms around me; the smile on your face when I could make you laugh. The way you melted when I played with your hair; the way you made me feel safe. I miss you so much, it’s overwhelming. I’m drowning in missing you.

365 days of Missing You (brenamich.tumblr.com)

[brenamich]

Day 59: 1:47 am It's been two months since you kissed me. I miss you so much. It's hard to talk about you and act like I don't. I understand that you're so incredibly busy, but I still miss you. I wish I wasn't so worried about bothering you and I could just easily call you. I plan to do something for my anxiety before school starts, so maybe I'll be able to call you before I get busy. I want to talk to you soon. I don't want to annoy you, but I also don't want you to forget about me. I know you won't, but that doesn't really change the anxiety I have. Why does life have to be difficult? It's times like this that make me want to hug you. You give such good hugs. I want you to be here so you can cuddle with me. Even if it's for one night only, it'd be better than nothing. How did I go two years like this? Maybe when I do something about my anxiety, I'll be able to talk to you about what you want from me. I won't be able to move on and try to date someone else, but I don't want to have this expectation that you'll wait for me if that isn't what you want. I wish I didn't care about you. I really wish I didn't feel this way about you.

365 days of Missing You (brenamich.tumblr.com)

[brenamich]

Day 3: 1:41 am Today wasn't that good. It started with a dream of you. Two dreams, actually. In both, you didn't have to leave, or I stayed. Both left me feeling sad. Why won't you text me back? I know this is usual for you, but this is the worst possible time for you to be like this...I'm suffocating in anxiety. Just send me a quick text, please. Something. I just need reassurance that I didn't screw everything up. The scary part of all of this is that if we start dating, we will be long distance for a while. We're already planning our lives and futures. You'll be at college and I'll be somewhere. I just wish it were easy. You make me so happy and I wish it were easier to see you and talk to you.

365 days of Missing You (brenamich.tumblr.com)

[thelovejournals]

I know—better than anyone—that once someone’s made up their mind to leave you, there’s nothing you can do to make them stay.

Terra Elan McVoy, Being Friends with Boys (via thelovejournals)

[brenamich]

Day 1: 2:57 am It's been one whole day since I've seen you. 24 hours. It doesn't seem long, but damn, I miss you. It's been a few days since  you kissed me. I can still feel the way I felt. I felt safe and scared at the same time. I wish I kissed you goodbye. I wish I had the balls to kiss you and savor that feeling. Instead, you probably think I don't want to kiss you. In fact,  it's the opposite. I want to kiss you all day, for as long as possible. You make me feel so happy and at home. It's a feeling that no one else can give me. I'm so scared that you'll give up on me and my awkwardness. What if you decide to move on and pursue women near you? I can't handle that. I need to confront you, but how? I just wish that I can see you soon, but we both know it won't be that easy...

365 days of Missing You (brenamich.tumblr.com)

[brenamich]

Yesterday, your sister told me about you. She told me how you felt bad for what you did. It was the first time I'd heard about you in months. The first time she'd talked about you in weeks. I asked her to continue and she told me all about how you felt. She told me you felt horrible for leading me on without even realizing it. She told me that you weren't sure how to discuss what you were feeling. She told me that you were afraid of making the situation worse by calling me. You knew I was mad at you, and you were afraid of making me more mad. And as she was telling me this, as she was explaining your mindset, I suddenly felt that boiling anger I felt towards you disappear. The blood in my veins used to boil at the thought of you, but it suddenly turned cold. I was tired of being mad at you. I was tired of hating you. But then she mentioned your girlfriend. The fact that you had one and you were afraid of bringing her up to me. I wasn't sure what to say. Part of me was happy for you, but I couldn't process it. Then she told me that I was what you needed at the time and that you were what I needed at the time. But what if I still needed you when you were done needing me?

Letters to No One (brenamich.tumblr.com)

[brenamich]

Today, my friends asked me about you. I couldn't get over how casually they had asked, "didn't you make out with that guy?" I had spent weeks and weeks thinking to myself, "I'm over you, I'm over you, I'm over you." But the second you were mentioned, with all of their eyes on me, I broke down. I remembered our night together and how you held me close to you. I remembered how I felt in your arms as you kissed me. I remembered how I loved you. But I used all my strength to say, "I don't want to talk about it." And as tears filled my eyes, I turned away from them and pretended to do something important. Maybe I'm not as over you as I thought.

Letters to No One (brenamich.tumblr.com)

[brenamich]

I hate you with every fiber of my being. Just the mere thought of you brings a fire to my blood and a flush to my cheeks. I hate the idea of you. I hate the fact that you've successfully invaded every centimeter of my thoughts. You're in every crevice and every space in my mind. There's no escaping you and I hate it. But how can I hate you? How can I hate you when you're my safety zone? How can I hate the one person who has always been there for me? How can I hate you when you're standing right in front of me, staring at me with those beautiful eyes of yours? How can I hate you when you feel like home?

Letters to No One #4 (brenamich.tumblr.com)

[brenamich]

Hey! I missed your writing and I was curious where you have gone. So I went to your old blog and found your new one. I will be reading you entries! Yeah, that's it! :)

Haha aw, I've missed writing a lot! I guess the biggest issue with my old blog was that I felt like I couldn't identify with what I was writing anymore. I'm sorry for disappearing so suddenly, but I'm glad you've started following me!! I missed you, too, darling!! Xx

[brenamich]

I wonder how I can be so attached to someone I don't know anymore. Somehow you still bring me comfort without saying anything. I find it wildly unfair that I am here, thinking about you, when you are there, not thinking of me. I want nothing more than to curl up into your arms while you talk to me about nothing and everything. I want to be there when you have a bad day. I want to be there when you need someone to hold you. I find myself wanting you here when I have bad days. I find myself thinking of your smile when I can't think of reasons to keep fighting. I don't understand what I did so wrong to deserve to be so attached to someone who doesn't seem to care.

Letters To No One #3 (brenamich.tumblr.com)

[brenamich]

There are times when I want to be free of you. When I want to wake up and think of someone who is physically here. There are times when I wish I never met you. There are also times when I thank God for giving me you. Times when I fall asleep remembering the times we shared. There are times when I am thankful for you.

Letters To No One #2 (brenamich.tumblr.com)

[panamaweddings]

Move on, leave, run away, escape this place… but don’t forget about me, about us, about this town. Always remember where you come from so you can appreciate how far you’ve come.

c.j.n. (via panamaweddings)

[furiousgoldfish]

I have days when I just don’t feel like myself. I reach inside, and I’m just not there. And it scares me, each time, that I wont come back. What’s left of me doesn’t want to live my life. And if I don’t come back, I feel like I wont have a future.

(via furiousgoldfish)