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@brightenix-blog
Anyone else trouble by family gatherings?
Before these get-togethers I feel like a positive, self-sufficient person... During and after I feel like a timid little kid again like nothing has changed. My family is negative. So when the holidays come around I just feel so drained and depressed! They are very political, closet racists who gripe and judge anything different. Even my brother is always so angry. Oh well. I will find my own way. I am moving next year.
Woke up in the middle of the night and wrote this
Sometimes I dream of the world where everything is the same but not quite.Tonight I drift into my friend's bedroom I know so well from adolescence. My hands don't feel the door as it opens. The room is washed out in an sepia tone like an old photograph. I see her posters on the wall, comic books and a large window. Its all still there but the details are stained with time. All edges are blurred because the light also looks old.The space around me resembles an obscure drawing sketched thousands of years ago. There is no electricity. I can see myself move around the room. And if I go outside the house, there aren't any people or traffic or the sound of birds. But only dark houses filed down the line with things people have left behind. I am the only person around but I'm too nostalgic to care. I am sent from place to place. Over empty freeways. Through the woods by my neighborhood...To the roller rink I would haunt as a kid. But I'm not able to smell the greasy pizza. I sometimes see my 5th grade classroom. I can imagine what the echoes would sound like. It is disturbing to see myself, as a man, in that place. After a few moments I appear on a beach. I see myself walking towards the Atlantic ocean. The colors are now grey-toned. Little waves creep through my ankles. The cave is to my right. I know not to go near it because it once swallowed a father and his son. By now I want to return where I began and sleep. But I am being watched by something. The one who brought me here. Is it spiritual divinity? Or just my own fear? I could walk along this parallel forever and never find anyone else. Regardless, I keep walking.
The sky above the city was threatening to explode. It reminded me of some special effects for a sci-fi movie when dark clouds roll in and the villain soon appears. I was jolting off the energy as I turned the corner. I needed a job but I wanted it to excite me unlike the last middle of nowhere dump a.k.a Cypress, Texas I was stranded in before. "I'm city boy Sam now" I thought to myself. Why not work where it was supposed to be fun? Genius. So there I was stomping around metropolis in a trance-like confidence. But after a couple hours of handing in "resumes" to my top picks I was ready to put my bravery to rest. Thats when I saw it. A silver rectangle of a building with orange windows inviting me in from the cold wet. Probably a cafe or smoke shop. A tree blocked the sign. I walked up a ramp, through the heavy silver door into what seemed to be a cute little diner. Checkered tile and sinatra. Why didn't I know about this place? I was greeted and sat into a fluffy booth looking out at the Houston buildings. A long haired tatted, musician type handed me a menu and walked back behind the bar. "Thanks" knowing I was about disappoint him with a lonely order of tea. An african accent appeared behind me as he bid farewells "Alright haha goodabye goodanight." to what seemed like regular customers. I knew he was the manager because he seemed prideful in his words. I flipped through the menu and looked around for awhile. This was it. This was the place. Eclectic food, eclectic staff...I could see myself here. 21 year old, gay, aspiring thingamabob self with a semi cool earring and wild dreams. Plus I wanted in on the secret. The restaurant was now empty and I didn't wanna linger. Finishing my cuppa green, I shook Michael's hand and left my last resume of the night. I thought nothing of it until the next morning when the owner called instantly hired me over the phone.
"No we're never gonna survive unless We are a little bit Crazy"
- Seal
New Eyes
2014 is exactly 1 hour and 15 minutes away. I’m sitting in my Aunt’s big empty house watching her Dog run up and down the winding staircase. I am the stand-in daddy until her real parents return from vacation. I was asked to go out with some friends tonight but strangely enough, I denied. I’ll spend the rest of this year alone and I am so completely O.K. with that. This is symbolic for me in more ways than one.
You see, my entire life I’ve always looked to others for some sort of confirmation. Mainly from men. I’m sure someone else could relate to that. Looking back, I was not a self-loving or healthy person. This leads me to believe that I never loved any of my ex’s because I didn’t Love myself. In my younger years I was clearly searching for a more fulfilling way to exist, but I wasn’t ready to change. This past year I started to wonder…Maybe how we feel each day is a decision to be made. And I now believe it is. To finally arrive at this place of independence is such a beautiful, loving, sense of freedom! I am concentrating on me. I’m also concentrating on happiness without guilt. I am in the pursuit of more joy in my life. So I am making the decision to be happy because I am tired of waking up in the morning sad. I’m in love with the idea that we create the lives we see. Its kind of a scary responsibility to live in a world that we create but its also extremely liberating not to rely on someone else to create it for us.
First off I want to learn to live in the now and stop putting my happiness on pause. I’ve always thought “Oh I’ll never truly be happy until the day I move to LA or get married.” I don’t care about rushing either of those things anymore. I have zero interest in a relationship right now (or sex for the matter) and I have deleted my Okcupid. I want things to happen when they are ready to happen. I want them to be authentic and have meaning for when they do. I work at an excellent restaurant Downtown and am saving all of my money for the big move. I am inspired to make the daily commute. After each shift, I wander around the city streets and feel inspired. This is my home right now.
Maybe by cutting out the negative, we can be nothing but positive. I see the clear difference between a glass half full or empty but instead choose to see a world that is over flowing. I am making changes by surrounding my world with positive people and things. I want to make the effort to lift the conscious collective rather than join in the buzz of criticism which we all can be apart of. No more angsty playlists (until appropriate), no more news channel or gossipy friends and definitely no more late night obsessive readings about serial killers. At one point I convinced myself that I was naturally drawn to dark and sad things but now I think that idea is total crap. That lost little boy no longer needs pain and has finally decided to grow up.
I’m going to do things that scare me. My inner jock is bursting at the seams and wants to compete again but I fear I’m not good at Sports anymore. But I’ve decided to join a soccer team anyway. I’m also coming out and saying that I’ve always written songs. I have journals full of them. Now if they’re good or not is subjective, and is what has kept the secret - but maybe one might up somewhere, someday.
I need to become my biggest fan and stop being so damn hard on myself. My negative self talk is BRUTAL. I’m not saying I’m going ignore the voices, I still acknowledge them. But instead of surrendering to my own criticism, when I now hear a negative voice I will just say “Oh well thats interesting” and keep on keepin on. My new acting classes start tomorrow at a great Studio. I’m always pondering my career. Yes I have BIG dreams. Yes I am aware of that the odds are against me. But the odds don’t frighten me. I guess that is what separates a dreamer from a realist. A person like me cannot live a life of regret. I believe in the love and magic inside of me and feel lucky to be able to put it back out into the universe the way I do.
I already, really like the man I see when I look in the mirror. Its the face of someone content. No I’m not perfect or am I trying to be. I have just decided to love life. Its all about perception anyway right? Then why not create something incredible?
Anyway, thats my trip. This is what I’m on. Its now midnight and the best year of my life thus far, has begun. Colors are exploding all around me and the dog has officially gone berserk. Regardless of the noise, I will sleep just fine.
This is my go-to rock band right now. ( You may know "You're A God" & "Everything You Want"). I realize they just put out a new album the other day but I'm trying to catch up! I can't get enough of Matt Scannels simple yet layered songwriting. Great melodies forever... And this man's vocals aren't obnoxious like most "rockers" who have that same generic sound! Love.
During my Skipfest, I did pause...ONCE.
When I first signed up months ago...Online dating was like crack cocaine. The site I joined has a "quick match" feature which catalogs your compatibility with other users. This is all based on the bajillion questions you answer when signing up. I scrolled through, with the cursor hovering on the "SKIP" button, as most were laughably not for me. I could not stop. I was like a crazy grandpa planted at the slots in Vegas. With a big pile of coins in my lap, feeding the hungry machine quarter after quarter, hoping the next one would be a jackpot. The allure of that next one possibly being the one, is too tempting to walk away from. 3 hours, 4 waters, 5 bathroom runs later and still holding strong..JUSTONEMORE!!!
I'm going to speak for most people when I say, we do not want to see a selfie of you, fresh out of the shower in a towel, with your shaved chest and stupid six pack that screams either A. I'm more narcissistic than your girly sister B. I spend all day, everyday, in the gym working on my fitness because I don't have substance. Or C. I once was a obese kiddo, but now that I have I discovered egg whites and creatine, I never wear clothes! SKIP. SKIP. SKIP. Sunglasses in a photo also warrants a click over. If I cannot see your eyes, I am going to assume you are hiding something. One knucklehead had five pictures, all with sunglasses. Do you even have eyes dude? Are there two empty hole sockets behind those shades?? I will never have the pleasure of knowing.
Up until tonight, this website has launched a variety of good and bad BAD dates for me. Then there are "this is gonna be good!" dates...A guy who is even more handsome in person and you're instantly attracted. Then he opens his mouth. You can't tell if its nerves or drugs or mental illness, but he is an awkward rambling mess. All there is to do is sit there nodding and wonder if he'll ever ask a question. Oh and my personal favorite. You meet and they look NOTHING like their pictures... But once in a blue moon you're lucky. You hit it off right from the start - with all the promise and chemistry ever. The land seems like it could've changed shape to bring the 2 of you together. After many dates and snuggly netflix sleepovers he just cannot commit and reverts back to the past 10 years of clubbing. All true stories in my case.
I am a zombie at the moment having just completed the surveys of one hundred and fifty questions involving views on every topic from marriage to capitalism to anal sex. As of right now,I have a bunch of mostly lazy messages in my inbox and only one prospect. It was the one of the few times I've responded. He reached out to me first "Hey :) So what brings you on here? Relationship, friends, drinking buddies?" Usually I'm weary of the smiley face but I liked the casual approach. I'm open to all 3 of those options. Reading his profile: 25, a deputy sheriff, a past navy PT. Loves reading, impersonations and his family. We started talking and I so thoroughly enjoyed his witty and clever responses that I will consider meeting him.
BUT
There is no urgency as I am thoroughly enjoying single life but I do not rule it out and am open to whatever the future holds. I am finally growing again and have made so much progress by just focusing on what I want. For now, it seems, the only thing I just know is who I want nothing to do with!
Pray for the Philippines!
Things are really bad there there are people who really need your help! Please donate if you can.
Click here here for more information.
To donate:
Oxfam International
ShelterBox
UNICEF
World Food Programme
Red Cross
Asia America Initiative
You can also text REDCROSS or ROUGE to 30333 to donate $5.
These are still some things we can do to help from a distance...Imagine if everything you've ever known was suddenly washed away. I refuse to think of the world as divided. Their loss is my loss. Even if I'm on the other side unharmed. We're in this together. I'm sending my best wishes to my precious friend Dennis and to all the other Philippine natives whose loss I cannot truly know.
Fun, jumpy and straight to the horror. I also appreciate that these films reference mythological creatures that modern day audiences do not see very often.
Theres a certain kind of quality to the month of November. A darkess, but a really beautiful darkness. It's before the holidays and there's always been this kind of excitement for me, but also a strange kind of fear, too. It always brings up a lot of deep emotions for me.
On the night before Halloween, I visited my brother in San Antonio to see him and his band play. They were headlining at a venue called Limelight. At the show 3 bands from Japan took the stage before them. They ranged from funk to punk. The whole time they performed I could not help but wonder what their life was like. I leaned over to a friend and yelled "I JUST WANNA KNOW THEIR STORY!" I watched in stary-eyed stupor. I was incredulous. For the next year these young people would venture across the world into the unknown.
We didn't get home til about 4 AM and I slept on the couch through most of the next day. Ironically I was still in fetal position under pink hello kitty sheets, when the same japanese bands walked in, chuckling. They'd been invited over. 1 by 1, they very politely came over to introduce themselves. I couldn't help but notice the gorgeous bass player I so admired the night before. He was tall and muscular with lost eyes. He dressed effortlessly perfect, tying the end of his hair back into a few braids. He shook my hand for a moment until he could find his new words. "Uhhhhh. I Ruby." I smiled, still in a daze. Not the most fitting name. Before he departed from Tokyo I'm sure he flipped open a English dictionary and thought the word looked cool. I passed back out shortly after. Shy and already embarrassed, sleep was my only escape.
Since then I've been thinking about the world's largeness and the billions people in it. The smallness of me. I want to see the world young too and make connections, even if its not by words. There really is a way.
“let’s just say i’m an ‘excellentist’ because perfection is an unattainable goal. perfection isn’t that interesting. it is more interesting to do things with sincerity and a certain quirkiness. with perfection there’s no tolerance for failure, and there are enormous benefits to failure because of the valuable lessons they impart.” - charlie trotter from “lessons in service from charlie trotter" by edmund lawler. thanks to sat bains for the primo find.
People don't buy records like they use to
Or go to concerts like they used to. It makes me wonder, Is music becoming obsolescent?...I don't think it could. I mean, music is like a heartbeat or breathing or fire... a primal force of man. Its something I couldn't imagine myself without. I remember falling asleep next to my first little blue boombox cd player my brother handed down to me. I had to read every single lyric in the CD inlay. And the need for music continues. There is something special about holding the physical piece of little art in your hands and in the quality of sound you get from the disc.
But today's music is changing. Free (downloaded) music is an amazing thing for the people, but alas: it will put musicians out of business. Artists will have to find another way to survive financially. OK I'm guilty of downloading OLD music, but I always go back and buy the physical cd which is usually highly discounted. I made a promise to myself years ago I will always set aside money for new music even if I am broke! The lifetime motivation it gives me is absolutely worth the $12.99 setback.
I was reading nearly all the radio stations of America are owned by 2 wealthy companies since the telecommunications act in 1997 passed. It allowed monopolies. It's harder than ever for real talent to penetrate radio; to hear fresh, original and inspired music on the airwaves. People are so confused. They use their eyes and not their ears (as made evident by the success of Jennifer Lopez, Britney, Kylie Minogue ((Though I consider Minogue an artist)) etc.) Rolling Stone's managing editor of 20 years was replaced by the former manager of FHM, a tarty english gentleman's magazine that featured Maxim-like covers. Does that mean no more female artists of integrity can be on the cover of Rolling Stone with their clothes on? We'll see... Maybe people will really get sick of the corporate attitude that has dominated music to politics... Perhaps, the Grammys! Maybe people will start listening to the independent stations or their locals artist. Most importantly we should all be registering to vote and caring and unifying... Maybe we can change our world. Step by step. Little by little.
I find it special she released her new song "The Art Of Letting Go" this morning. Flawlessly beautiful timing to soundtrack my life right now.
Frustrated Inc.
Ninety three days ago, I made the decision to get real with myself. Lately, the biggest change I'm noticing, is my EXTREME irritation with those around me who have no desire or ability to look inward.
Tonight a person from my past, whom I cut out months ago, contacted me. Afterward, I wanted to shower. Thinking of him feels dirty and disgusting and I can not believe I, at one point, spent hours a day around this toxic person. As I develop a more certain and resonating inner voice, the more strength I feel to take a stand instead of swallowing the disruptive and abusive behavior that I doubt they have awareness of. I can not change or alter their choices, but I can change mine.
When you adopt a healthier way of life, you will notice your inability to tolerate or stomach that which is toxic to your well being.
Sometimes I’m in the middle of an emotion and I just look at myself and realize, ‘I’m not feeling anything. I’m just acting like somebody who feels something.’
Will Gardner from The Good Wife (via neoterist)
I don't mean to negate this man's opinion...But when I act...I DO feel something. Its my opportunity to get out any angst, joy, energy that I've collected inside of me. Its my life experiences that I draw from, whether they're dark or not - my precious memories serve to be reborn again into something hopefully aethentic. The truth is I use to think I was a freak because I didn't have a positive outlet for all this. But when I took my first acting class, it felt like therapy and I was finally free!
I Can't Live Still
When I was a little, I would lie in bed at night underneath my power ranger sheets with debilitating anxiety. The following are examples of things that would keep me up tossing and turning at age five.
I never want to grow up because then I can't trick or treat.
How will I survive once I have surpassed the height requirement line and am too big to play in the pool of balls at Chuck e Cheese?
I want to live with my parents forever, they can't really MAKE me leave, can they??!
My child brain couldn't conceptualize a world beyond my sheltered microcosm. I could not have known, at five years old, that things that meant everything to me, would eventually loose their importance. I don't recall the year that I stepped up to the height line and realized I had become too tall or the moment I hated candy. I don't remember because the space in my mind had no room for things I had grown out of. I had moved on to the next chapter with no desire to look back. I'm now 21.
Soon I start my next block of training as an actor. As I drive around Houston today; home since birth, my heart feels torn. I realize that there is nothing left for me here. I realize that its time. There is no doubt that LA will soon be my new home. I'm moving in a new direction, and it's scary to leave behind the only world I've ever known. But I don't let the fear or risk get to me. I don't care. I guess thats the dreamer in me. Tonight, I sit with extreme discomfort, but I know exactly where I need to be. Hand and hand with my nerves, I walk towards this new chapter with open arms and an open heart.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns
Serenade by Phil~Koch on Flickr.
I love the feels this pic gives me.
whenever people act like gay media will influence kids to be gay i want to remind them that gay children grew up with only straight people on television
