Brit's Journal @britsjournal - Tumblr Blog

Winter Storm in Texas

Hey y'all,

So I've been gone a few days because I lost power (and therefore efficient service to even load anything on my phone). It's been pretty insane honestly. I've never seen snow until this storm, and while it was fun the first day, the loss of power really made it a terrible experience. I was consistently cold and got frequent headaches from breathing in freezing air. My house got down to 48 degrees from all the times I checked... maybe even lower to be honest. I had lost water for a few days, and rationing water made me want it even more.

The water came back on today, thankfully. I feel terrible for everyone else without power and water still. I had to send my sister a giant cooler filled with water because she was almost out, and boiling snow wasn't an efficient option for her.

On a personal note, I can't tell whether my mental health is getting better or worse. On one hand, I feel like I've identified a few issues that I can work on, but the other side is my intense dissociation to the point of imagining s**c*de. Tonight I got in my bathtub with freezing cold water fully dressed. I felt delusional but free at the same time... how does that make sense?

Classes are starting back up next week, and I don't feel like I'm in the mindset to get back to work like that. I hope I don't give up.

Best,

Brit

#personal #life #diary #journal #brit #depression #class #sad #depressed #texas #winter #storm

Vday Thoughts

Good morning/afternoon/day/night,

There’s a huge snowstorm coming through Texas for the next few days so my current partner and I ended up having to cancel our plans. Just staying home with them and playing video games online reminds me that not every day can be special.

Yeah, I do wish we could’ve gone out for bloody mary’s and eaten crab legs like we intended, driving outside in the current conditions could’ve resulted in some bad outcomes. The roads are super icy and I wouldn’t want to stack any more problems on top of the ones I’m already dealing with.

So today I’m dressed up in the house with the clothes I was going to wear out, but I feel good. I feel good enough. At least I’m not incredibly depressed like I have been recently. While I can’t say I feel completely happy, it is still better than the past few days (but still, not good enough).

I’m stressed thinking about my classwork I still have to do. I have a finance unit I have to complete for my proctored quiz tomorrow. I’ve done significantly less schoolwork this past week than I have since I started the semester. I’m worried I’m starting to go downhill again. Hopefully I can still keep myself afloat.

Tomorrow afternoon I’m meeting with my counselor via Zoom to discuss how I’ve been since we last talked, and I’m gonna have to find the courage to tell her how I’ve still been getting worse despite being on Prozac for about 2 months. Friday night was probably the lowest I’d been in a long time. I felt completely helpless, like nobody wanted me; I am a burden. Nobody deserves to put up with so much distraught and depression from an individual. I worry that I bring down my current lover from how bad I’ve become. They really only know me since my anxiety/depression, and that actually makes me feel worse. I wish they really knew me before this became my face.

they constantly reassure me that they love me for who I truly am, but I can’t help but think that they see my faults first, and not my strengths. It could be good to know that my partner loves me even at my lowest, but I wish this isn’t who I was. I want to be confident again, intimidating. A strong presence that people gravitate towards. Now, I shy away and fall into isolation with my partner.

There’s more to say, but that can come day by day. For now I’m just going to enjoy this newly turned-to-chill Valentine’s Day at home.

Best,

Brit

A Toxic Grip. To What Extent?

Hello again. I felt like today was a good day until I saw someone who I previously had a romantic inclination with post on their social media, and it got me thinking. I know what everyone says: “They’re toxic. They never loved you. You should’ve expected it from them anyway; don’t know why you thought any differently.” But I did, and to an extent still do, think differently. Half of me is logical in that they get off on thinking they still have a grip on me. The other half is emotion; my heart tells me otherwise. I felt, and to an extent still feel, a deep connection to this individual. There was a synchronicity that I’ve never had with another. I feel that they felt this way too, but my logical side always objects on the notion that they know how to manipulate their prey. Am I still stuck in their grip? My heart still drops slightly when I see them, and I can’t help but remember the good bond that we shared.

Why do I block out the toxicity that overwhelmed me in the end? Reliving that dreadful time of my life is not bearable; I understand why my subconscious would want to bury that. This is a problem though: burying the bad experiences only allows the good times to prevail. While they were good, I can’t deny the repercussions that have fallen into the shadows.

A shadow that follows them. Their image is beauty, that’s what is seen first, and it’s easy to look past their shadow that follows them, but their shadow has become so big that I cannot see one side without the other.

I know that my experience with them was not ordinary. I firmly believe that my anxiety and depression increased tenfold due to our tragic conclusion. I saw purpose with them. I saw a light. The light we held together was extinguished by them, and I was left to inhale the smoke by myself. Choking, I found myself not being able to get through 72 hours without a mind and body controlling panic attack. I feel like I’m going to die.

While I don’t completely say that they are the sole reason, I feel that I’ve lost a soul mate, and my body cannot function on its own. I come back the the beginning, though, a toxic grip? How can I move on when I physically cannot? I try every day. I have been getting better; I’ve been learning not to live for others but for myself and what I want. The problem, though, is that I don’t think I’ve ever thought of what I want independently. I’ve always been one to please others. Maybe it’s because of this, because I was unable to please them to the fullest, that I cannot function the same.

I hope to change. Day by day. A grip cannot stay strong for long; it will eventually tire out.

Thank you,

Brit

#personal #journal #diary #brit #toxic #toxic relationship #grip #anxiety #depression

A Personal Note

I really haven’t been on tumblr since google took over. I recently watched Elisa Lam’s documentary on Netflix and was inspired by her output on tumblr during her time. I can agree with her in that this feels better than writing in a journal that will never see anyone’s eyes. At least here someone might see this, and maybe someone can relate in their own way(s). I guess this account might turn into an online, anonymous journal of mine. If that’s something you aren’t interested in, you’re more than welcome to unfollow. I get it. If not, maybe my life can be interesting to you, or someone else that comes across this.

Best,

Brit

#journal #diary #personal #brit #note #life #this is my life

Rihanna - Needed Me

Motivation can be found in the least expected places

I miss this show.

the way he claps when he says HOT DAMN is what makes it.

aimee-b-loved

Brooklyn Nine Nine is a gift and I’m SO MAD for not watching sooner.

BTW, season 4 premieres September 20.

iloveyoualeclightwood

the best thing about this is still the fact that the “hot damn” was improvised and thats why they cut away so fast because everyone breaks

allisonpregler

Might be my favorite joke of the series

jollyhollya

Cinderella transformation dress for the cosplay contest at G6!

thatsthat24

THIS IS AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL!!!

archiemcphee

Because sometimes what you need most is to see two doggos meeting at a fence to share a comforting hug. Meet Messy, a calm Labrador retriever, and Audi, an anxious Siberian husky. When Audi’s human left their gate open, he seized the opportunity to run out of his yard and across the way to visit his best pupper friend.

According to Messy’s human, Oranit Kittragul, this was the very first time the dog got to meet face to face, paw to paw, snoot to snoot.

“When he [Audi] feels lonely and cries, I always ask my dog to see and talk to him…My dog just looks from my fence and sometime he barks to [Audi]. I don’t know what they are communicating, but he stops crying. …He ran to my dog and they hugged each other.”