TW- Abuse. Torture. Near Death Experience. Severe Conditioning
Sometimes it isn't just an adult who is capable of doing horrific inhumane things but also a child but we are also told that children are a product of the environmental behavior, what parents play out children will follow and that no one was born evil but created.
Aside from North Korea in which we defected when we were 5 there was another abuse we have endured since age 5-17 when we became adopted into America and just like in NK, we had no idea it was abuse for we saw abuse as being "a normal part of life"
The abuser we endured for those many years was from another child, a next door neighbor, a friend. The environment we lived in, a warm neighborhood with grass so green and houses so big I felt rich in comparison to the house I used to live in, which was sometimes on the streets beckoning for food.
The guardians we have though not perfect, never had to starve us, abandon us, sell us, etc....they provided what was needed for a child so when the environment is all good how could a child harbor evil? What kind of evil could a child harbor?
The abuse started small, just taunts here and there then it increased to yelling. The yelling and taunts we were used to as we endured them in North Korea, however it is the physical abuse we have never endured before and the memories of our former NK Leader telling us about what monsters in America would do to us, we experienced a callback unknown to other Parts of the System yet felt trapped under the grasp of the monster at the same time.
From pushing us to throwing rocks, using thorns to scratch us and waterboarding, whipping us and provoking dogs to chase us, slamming doors and using a hammer on our fingers, suffocating us with a weighted blanket and drilling our back and legs; these were just a few things he did to us, our "friend" all while telling us if we tell or try and leave, he make sure no one would want us. We stayed in fear of being alone.
We almost died three times by him-
1- nearly ran over at age 8
2- pushed off a 2 story building causing a TBI at age 11
3- drowned in a pool at age 15
Now where were his parents you ask? In total fear of him and with the toxic Christian mindset that females should be submissive and obedient to males so even though our ex-friend wasn't religious, he implemented the idea of us needing to be submissive and obedient to him(before we realized we were trans/nonbinary)
We were not free of him physically until age 17 however even though we were physically free from him, mentally we never were and sought out people just like him.
If our ex-friend was an adult, he would have been a prodigy programmer, his capability to torture while conditioning us led us to believe that torture will always be a way of life for us, normal. Even years after being 17 now 30, still living in the house which is next door to that very house we were abused in, we can still feel every pain he inflicted on us and we cannot leave not because we do not want to or the Parts heavily conditioned by him but due to finances.
As of now, we are glad to say we are seeing a therapist who specializes in working with people with complex trauma and DID, we are working to deprogram all the indoctrinated things that have been implemented on us. The journey will be hard and many things hidden will come flooding back and I know there will be times we will want to hide and go back but we are fighting, we want our mental freedom
theartofmadeline
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