[bruhseidon]

Tim: I’m curious about something.

Y/N: Yes?

Tim: What’s your ideal type?

Y/N: A guy that doesn’t talk to me.

-

Tim, later in the hallway:

[bruhseidon]

Y/N: Do you think I’m going to get fired? Last week, a customer reached past me on reg to point at the menu, and I bit him on the hand as hard as I could.

Dick: Your first reaction was to bite him?!

Y/N: No, I had time to think about it.

[bruhseidon]

Y/N, excitedly: Let’s put on some eyeshadow! [puts eyeshadow on one of Jason’s eye, then pauses when she sees the result]

Y/N (in her mind): He looks like he got punched…

Jason, oblivious and still trusting: Hey, do that half-face makeup thing they do on magazines! I want to see the before and after!

Y/N, nervous: O-Okay. I’ll do one of your cheeks, then.

Cassandra, worried but trying to be optimistic: You can really tell you’re wearing makeup when you put on blush. It’s nice!

[Y/N puts blush on Jason’s cheek, then she and Cassandra both pause when they see the result]

Y/N (in her mind): Now he looks like he got punched twice…

Jason, happily: How do I look?

Y/N: You look… cute.

[Bruce passes by and gasps in shock when he sees Jason’s beat up look, and Jason gasps in embarrassment when he realizes Bruce saw him with a face full of makeup]

[bruhseidon]

Y/N, a criminal, holding something behind her back: Pick a number from one to ten.

Dick, as Officer Grayson, excitedly: Really? You got me a present? Um… ten!

Y/N: Ten seconds… of pepper spray. [sprays him]

[bruhseidon]

Y/N: Huh, did you know your skin is your biggest organ?

Dick: Not my biggest organ. [winks]

Y/N: [is disgusted but looks down anyway]

[bruhseidon]

Y/N: How the hell do you spell showfer?

Damian: C-H-A-U-F-F-E-U-R.

Y/N, side-eyeing him: Ooh, Fancy Pants Rich McGee over here! Fuck you!

[bruhseidon]

Random Gothamite: Aww, you guys look so cute together!

Damian: Oh, no, no, we’re just— we’re just friends.

Y/N: Eww!

Damian: 🧍‍♂️

Y/N: No! He’s like my brother! He’s so ugly! No, absolutely not! He is so ugly! This filthy creature… why’s he even born? Why does he walk this Earth with me? I would never look at him with my own two eyes. He is so ugly, oh, my gosh… no!

[bruhseidon]

Y/N: Hey, just double-checking, you cleared your calendar for dinner tomorrow night, right? I’m dying to go to that new place, like I can’t— [sees Tim’s blank look]. Oh, sorry. [enunciating slowly] Dinner? Tomorrow? Me!

Tim, happily claps: Yay!!!!

[bruhseidon]

[Y/N Sionis’ Ransom Video: Act Two]

[Act One]

Jason, as Red Hood, holding a note: Read it right this time. No funny business.

Y/N: Don’t you mean “no funny businesses”? And I did read it right. It said “businesses,” that’s what it said. You never told me to improv the note.

Jason, laughing in disbelief: Oh, improv! What are you, Meryl-fucking-Streep? Okay, improv it. [crumples the note and throws it away]

Y/N, even more sassier: These sexually frustrated degenerate losers mean business.

Roy, as Arsenal, still aiming his arrow at Y/N’s head: Don’t— don’t improv the note. Don’t improv the note.

[Crashing noise, then all cameras cut off]

[bruhseidon]

[Y/N Sionis’ Ransom Video: Act One]

[Act Two]

Jason, as Red Hood, holding a note: Read this.

Y/N: “Father…” [backs away in fear when Roy (as Arsenal) points his bow a little too close]

Jason: [pushes Roy away from her]

Y/N: “Father, I have been abduct. I am fine.”

Jason: Abducted.

Y/N: It says “abduct.”

Jason: Just say “abducted.”

Y/N: “I have been abducted. I am fine right now, but I might not be for [sassily] loring. If you do not pay the sun of one million doolers [laughs]…”

Jason: Wait a minute, wait a minute… “loring”? “The sun of one million doolers”? What the— [reads the note himself]

Y/N: That’s what it says!

Jason: That’s “long” and “the sum of one million dollars”! You know what it means!

Y/N: I don’t know what it means. You told me to read this. That’s what I’m doing.

Jason: Just say what it means! Okay? [holds the note towards her again]

Y/N, rolls eyes: “I might not be for long. If you do not pay the sum of one million dollars, you will never see me alive again. These men mean businesses.” [laughs] Who wrote this?

Roy: I told you letting Bizarro write the note is a bad idea.

Jason, massaging his temples: Cut the cameras.

[bruhseidon]

Y/N, being captured by the Penguin: I’m full of truth juice! Don’t tell him nothin’, Red—

Penguin, pointing a gun at her: Shut up, kid! You’re lucky I don’t hit girls!

Y/N: Me neither… but for you I’d make an exception~ OHHHHHHH!

Jason, as Red Hood, tied up next to her: OHHH!

Penguin: Enough!

Y/N: ₒₕₕₕₕₕ…

[bruhseidon]

Y/N, walking down the stairs: Okay, I’m ready. How do I look?

Dick, on his phone: Fine. Now, let’s go.

Y/N: Fine? I need gorgeous. [goes back upstairs] I’m changing.

Dick, looking up and seeing the outfit: No, wait, I-I meant gorgeous! [absolutely distraught] Why didn’t I say gorgeous? Why? …Why? [cries]

[bruhseidon]

Y/N, on the phone with Damian: Oh my, God! Someone’s just been hit by a car!

Damian: Are they unconscious?

Y/N: They didn’t look before crossing, but don’t blame them, they feel bad enough about it.

Damian: Where did the accident happen?

Y/N: By The Bowery McDonald’s, but they’re not there now. They walked off cause everyone was staring. They couldn’t bear it!

Damian: Okay. Did you follow them?

Y/N: …Yeah.

Damian: Can I talk to them?

Y/N: Yeah, you are doing that.

Damian: Tt. Yeah, I thought so.

Y/N: [groans]

Damian: Beloved, are you in pain!?

Y/N: No, I’m just so fucking embarrassed! Everyone was looking!

Damian: Have you broken anything?

Y/N: I don’t know… probably. What do you care?

Damian: Tt. What do you want me to do exactly?

Y/N: Call for an ambulance. No sirens, please. Unmarked ambulance if poss.

Damian: Only the goons have them.

Y/N: Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Damian: Excuse me?

Y/N: Shh, no! Please, be quiet. People are looking for me.

A bystander: Ah, look, there she is! [pointing at her] She’s crying! Look, she’s crying!

Y/N: [curls up into a ball and sobs]

[bruhseidon]

Y/N, Tim’s assistant, barging into his room to see him sleeping: You are in bed!

Tim, frantically sitting up and opening his laptop, trying to look busy: I am not in bed—

Y/N: That’s a bed.

Tim: —I am in my office.

Y/N: That’s a bed.

Tim: This is the office. [looking at his empty wrist] The time here is three o’clock. This is office hour.

[bruhseidon]

Y/N: Jay, we need to talk. I think this relationship has—

Jason: If you leave me, I will kill myself.

Y/N: [sighs in defeat and pats his hand]

[bruhseidon]

James: I love you.

Y/N: Yeah, cool. I love you too.

James: I want to stay with you. In your room. In your bed.

Y/N: Okay, well, that’s not gonna happen. Anyway…

[bruhseidon]

Damian, on the phone: Hello, beloved. How was your day?

Y/N: It was good! Some guy called me cute today, though.

Damian: Well, I can’t blame him, he’s right.

Y/N: Aww! Thanks for not being jealous, babe. I’ll see you later today.

Damian: Okay, beloved, I’ll see you later. [hangs up and drops his smile] Sorry about that. Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you—I don’t know why I just lied, I am going to hurt you. I guess I was just trying to… comfort you, but that’s not why we’re here, is it? But you must have known at some level that this was going to happen?

The guy who called Y/N cute, all tied up:

Damian: No? Well, before we start, I do have one question I like to ask… what’s your favorite organ? [smiles menacingly as he twirls his knife]