Warnings: Swearing, Character Death, Violence, Angst, Masochistic behaviour Pairings: Kylo Ren x Reader
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9 - You are here!
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Summary: After Han Solo and Finn break you out of Hux’s impromptu prison cell, you finally find Rey. However, shortly afterwards, Kylo Ren murders his father. You, Finn and Rey all try to escape into the woods, but you know Kylo Ren isn’t far behind. But now, you will both face each other, each in a new light: you’re not under his mind control any longer, and he has nothing to hide from you.
Word Count: 6,624 (Holy cow guys, this is a mega chapter...)
Warnings: Swearing, Character Death, Violence, Angst, Masochistic behaviour
Finn and Han were sprinting through the Starkiller Base headquarters, and Chewie and I were sharp at their heels. Now and then, I would hear the chaotic sounds of blasters firing and people screaming, telling me that there was some sort of brutal attack on the entire base. We raced past dozens of empty rooms, having to conceal ourselves every so often from Stormtroopers rushing to the scene of the chaos. Finn led us through winding corridors and hallways, seemingly knowing where to go, even though it felt like we weren't making any progress in this maze of a base. I was keeping an eye out for the girl I had seen earlier (Rey, I supposed), but at least an hour had gone by, and she had yet to show up.
The shock of knowing that my squadron was alive, after believing for months that they were all dead, had been replaced with anger. Anger at my own stupidity, anger at my weaknesses, but mostly anger towards Kylo Ren. He had lied to me about everything - and because of that, I was in a completely different situation than I would have been, had I known the truth. My perspective of everything had changed; I realized that, whether General Organa had been searching for me or not, I still owed everything to her. Even if Alavai and Jaxx were dead (which they weren't), I still should have continued to push myself away from Kylo Ren, instead of finding comfort in him. I owed them that much, if not more. And Kylo Ren... I was disgusted with myself to have let him get close to me. He was a large part of the threat on the Resistance, and I had let him touch me, let him walk by my side. I still wasn't sure if what I had felt for him was a part of his control on me or not, but either way, I was horrified that I had ever even spoken with him.
As we reached the end of the corridor, Finn and Solo pushed themselves against the wall, and I followed. Several workmen jogged by us with blasters at hand, shouting orders to each other.
"Is that a PLX 2M?!" Solo whispered.
Finn looked at him confusedly. "How do you know so much about First Order artillery?" he said.
"I knew a guy who used to sell them in the underground market." Solo replied. "And, boy, what I wouldn't give to have that missile launcher right now..."
Chewie let out a small cry, holding up his crossbow.
"Yeah, Chewie, but sometimes you want to put more than just an arrow in someone's gut." Solo rolled his eyes.
Finn slowly crept to the other wall, followed by the rest of us. Across the room was a large, metal door; through it's window, I could see racks and rows of different weapons. Being a natural rebel, it was a sight for sore eyes, and I was anxious to get my hands on it all.
"Well hello beautiful..." I mumbled, unable to hide the excitement on my face.
Solo chuckled. "She sounds more like me than my own son." he said.
"Ok." Finn said, ignoring our comments. "First things first, we need some better weapons..." He gestured towards Chewbacca's crossbow, "... no offense. Then we need to get the shields deactivated on the base. The rebel squadrons will be coming in pretty soon, and they won't be able to deal any damage if we don't get those shields down first."
As Finn continued to describe his plan, my attention was locked on someone else. A chrome-clad Stormtrooper marched down the halls towards the weapons room. Their armor revealed their elevated status, along with the cape that draped over their shoulders. Granted, I had no idea who they were - I hadn't seen them on the base, despite having wandered almost the entire thing.
I tapped Finn on the arm. "That might be our ticket to the artillery room." I whispered.
"Perfect!" he said. "Alright - Solo, you cut them off by the door - just grab their attention for a second. I'll come up behind with Chewie, and then- "
Before he could finish, we heard a loud, animalistic cry, followed by a crash. Through the corridor, Chewbacca had thrown himself on top of the high-ranking officer - despite their attempts to throw him off, his weight held them in place. He looked back at us and gave a victorious yell.
"You idiot!" Finn said, exasperated. "You could have blown our cover!"
Solo pushed past Finn. "He is an idiot, don't get me wrong. But at least his heart's in the right place."
Chewbacca let out a defiant cry.
"Oh- I'm sorry, your highness, thank you very much for taking the initiative in this."
Chewbacca pulled the officer back up on their feet, and held their arms securely. Finn approached them and glared angrily through their helmet. "We need access to the artillery room."
"And what makes you think that I would give a band of fleas such intel?" she said calmly.
"Huh." I stared right through her helmet. "Never thought the First Order would give such a high rank to a woman, given how they treat them."
She turned her head towards me. "For your information, I earned my rank. Supreme Leader Kylo Ren's interest in my skill had nothing to do with my promotion."
"'For your information', bitch," I held my blaster under her chin, "... Kylo Ren doesn't give a shit about you. He doesn't give a shit about who's behind that helmet. All he cares about his himself. So stop pretending that you're the favorite one here and give us the code to the damn room."
For a moment, she stared back at me. "You're right..." she finally said. "As I recall it, you were his favorite, actually."
My cheeks grew hot from her remark. Angry, I hit her across the side of her helmet with the end of my blaster. She recoiled a bit, and her chrome exterior now had a scratch across it from my gun. Han grabbed me by the arms and pulled me away as I tried to slug her once more.
"Calm down, feisty!" he spun me around and stared at me in the eyes. "We need this thing alive, remember?"
Chewbacca growled at Solo, pointing at me.
Han sighed. "I don't know what she meant, and I don't care, ok? This chick has been helping us long enough through the base, so I'm counting on her as our way out."
Finn spoke up. "What did she mean, you're Kylo Ren's favorite?" he gave me a suspicious look.
"Oh, she didn't tell you?" the officer spoke again. "For a while now, she's become his pet. He's been keeping her in his chambers and providing protection for her. He even fought my general to keep her out of harm's way. I don't know what information she gave him to change him into her protector, thought it must have been important."
"I didn't give him any information," I said angrily. "... he said he- well, it doesn't matter what he said, I didn't make him do anything."
"Sorry girl, but it does matter." Solo looked me in the eyes again. "What did he say to you?"
My cheeks grew hot with embarrassment. I felt like a child being reprimanded for doing something I shouldn't have. Is he really going to make me say it? "He said... he said he loved me." I mumbled quietly.
"Huh?" Finn said.
"He said he loved me!" I responded, a little louder than I wanted to.
Solo now had a look of disbelief on his face. "And you believed him?! You gullible sack of scrap metal- "
"Are you kidding me?!" Finn said, and looked like he might vomit.
"Look, I get it, it's stupid!" I shouted. "You don't understand how dumb I feel for falling for it! I think he was controlling my mind with that dumb force shit, that's why I believed him!"
Solo ran a hand over his face. "Oh my god, kids these days..."
"- but I swear, I didn't tell him anything! I didn't give him information, I didn't trade anything for protection... he just, sort of did it. All by himself."
"Ok, look here, kid." He looked back at me, serious once again. "I don't care what happened. You seem alright to me, and like you've got your senses back. You've helped us so far, so I'll trust you. But so help me, if you step one foot out of line- "
"I swear, I won't."
"- you're going to be his dinner." He pointed to Chewbacca, who growled in agreement. "And it's been at least four hours since he's eaten, so he's hungry."
I looked at Chewbacca, who gave me a rather toothy, yellow grin. "I promise, I won't."
Solo nodded, satisfied with my answer. "Good. Now, what's it gonna take to get you to open the artillery room for us?" He looked at the officer.
Finn thought for a moment, before answering confidently. "I know where the trash compacter is."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
After upgrading our weapons, Finn, Chewie, Solo and I continued to sneak around the corridors. Finn kept mentioning the "Rey" that he was hoping to find, which made me wonder why everyone in the galaxy was searching for this girl. Solo and Chewie continued to mumble passive aggressive remarks to each other, despite Finn's shushing. I followed closely behind them all, still fuming about Kylo Ren's lies and the officer's remarks. My emotions were a jumbled mess from being pushed away for so long, and it was getting more and more difficult to keep them at bay.
Eventually, we had found Rey (after nearly slamming into her when turning corners). She was the girl I had seen earlier, and was much less threatening than I had assumed. Although I couldn't tell why she was so important to the First Order, I decided not to question her origin and intentions. She seemed trustworthy enough, and it was evident that Kylo Ren had traumatized her enough as well.
Upon seeing each other, she and Finn had embraced for a while, while he mumbled apologies to her and she cried. I stood there in silence, awkwardly watching and wondering how long they had been apart. Chewie stood next to me and grumbled impatiently in the silence, to which we then continued our journey through the base. At some point, amidst the chaos and commotion of personnel running around the base, fighting whatever was attacking them, Han Solo had separated from us. Chewie told us (translation provided by Rey) not to worry - that he could handle himself.
Finally, we arrived at a large, dark tunnel that ran deep into the ground - so much so that it was impossible to see the bottom. We carefully made our way across the thin platforms and bridges, making sure to avoid any of the Stormtroopers or officers below.
"Where are we headed?" I asked quietly.
"Out." Finn replied. "The Resistance is planning on blowing up the entire planet, so we need to get out of here fast."
"The Resistance is here?!" I said in disbelief. I wondered if Kiera and Delmi were there too. For their own sake, and so I had a chance to beg their forgiveness later, I hoped they weren't. "Do you know how much time we have?"
"Not long. Hopefully we can get back to the Falcon in time."
"Look!" Rey cried out, and pointed to a platform below us.
Upon peering over the ledge, my breath caught in my throat. Han Solo was standing on a bridge, right in front of Kylo Ren. My heart stopped at how close they were to each other.
"What is he doing?" I said, leaning over the railing to get a better look. Kylo Ren's body was shaking and his shoulders slumped, and with every word he said, Solo's lip would tremble. My intuition was telling me that, whatever was happening down there, it wasn't going to end well.
Rey furrowed her brow. "Is he reconciling to his father?" she asked.
Like hell he is... "We need to get him away from Kylo..." I said sharply.
"But it looks like Solo might have finally knocked some sense into that kid!" Finn was staring anxiously at the scene below. "Is... is he crying? What a big baby- "
"He's not really crying!" I said, holding my blaster into position. "He's faking it, that son of a bitch!!"
"Hey, watch it- "
The sound of my blaster firing drowned out Finn's concerned voice. I never let my weapon down until I made sure it hit its mark - right in the back of Kylo Ren's leg.
Even from the distance, I could hear his anguished cry as he keeled over. Solo looked up at us with shock and anger. He was obviously shouting in wrath, although none of us could make out what he was saying.
"What the hell did you do?!" Finn shouted, and snatched my blaster before I could fire again. "Are you crazy?!"
"I may have just saved Solo's life! That boy is a liar who would sell his own soul to get what he wants, and you can't trust a damn thing he does!!"
"Or you could have killed him!!" he shouted back.
"She's right." Rey chimed in, still watching the scene below. "He won't change. We need to get Solo out- "
Before she could finish, the sound of a lightsaber slashing echoed through the hall. We looked back to Kylo Ren and Han Solo on the platform; Kylo's lightsaber was buried deep into Solo's abdomen.
"NO!!" Finn shouted. Rey gasped in shock, followed by an anguished cry from Chewbacca.
My breath caught in my throat as I watched Kylo Ren throw Solo over the edge of the platform. I could feel my heart drop into my stomach as he disappeared into the gaping hole below. I was frozen in shock. "God, no, no no..." I muttered the words over and over, hoping it was a dream.
"He's gone..." Rey said shakily. "Solo, he's gone. Oh my god, Leia..."
Kylo Ren looked up at us, before locking eyes with Rey. If he could have had any more hatred on his face, he did. He gripped the hilt of his lightsaber tightly, as if he were going to throw it.
"Go, go!!" Finn directed Rey away from the ledge as fast as he could. Chewie and I continued to stand there in shock, staring down at Kylo Ren. He now stared back at me, somewhat shocked.
How did you get here?! His words were full of rage and resentment. I could feel him trying to dig into my mind again; that same, painful scraping from before, when he had tried to interrogate me. Yet, I didn't succumb to the pain. Instead, I was able to feel his emotions. Leaking through the wrath on the surface were sadness, regret, and pain of his own.
"Why?!" I leaned over the railing and screamed at him. "He was your father, you bastard!!"
He glared up at me, furious that I could feel his emotions. Come here, NOW.
The pull was stronger now - I was fighting the urge to obey his command, and it was harder than ever before. I closed my eyes and focused: don't do it, don't listen to him, think of something else. I directed my attention to my hands, gripping the railing as hard as they could.
"What's wrong with you?!" Finn's shout snapped me back to reality. He ran towards me, Rey close behind. "We need to go, now!!" He grabbed my arm and dragged me away from the edge.
Chewbacca began firing his blaster at whomever he could and yelled in rage. I took one last look at him - although he was beastly, I could see the pain in his expression. He was fuming and hurt that he had just lost his life-long partner, and that it was to the man's own son. He disappeared behind the walls of the room, his cries echoing, as we fled the scene.
Finn led us outside the dark and sleek interior of Starkiller Base. When I stepped out into the snow, my eyes forced themselves shut; the world around me was so white, from the snow that completely covered the planet, to the cloudy sky above. I hadn't seen such a bright setting in ages, and it was painful to look at. I followed closely behind Finn and Rey, trying to focus on their footprints ahead of me as I fought to keep my eyes open. Above us, I could hear the sounds of X-Wing and TIE Fighters firing at each other. Debris from destroyed space crafts rained from the sky, nearly hitting us as we continued to run.
Eventually, we entered into the woods. The sky was blocked out by the towering evergreens around us, but the snow still fell heavy. I could hear Finn's and Rey's strained breaths, as well as my own pounding heartbeat, now that the commotion was well behind us.
"Wait!" Rey shouted, slowing to a stop. She put her hands on her knees and tried to catch her breath.
"What is it?" Finn stopped next to her, concerned.
Rey took some deep breaths before looking back at Finn and me. Her face was covered in tears and sweat and her hair was a mess. "Where are we going?"
Finn looked around: although he knew where the fight was going on behind us, there was no other indication that we were heading towards safety. Or, furthermore, if there even was such a thing. The sky was growing darker with each second, making it even more difficult to tell what direction to go in.
"I'm not sure," he finally said, "... but we just need to get away from the fight. We need to get you back to the Resistance fleet."
"And what about Han Solo?!" I said angrily. "We're not going to talk about what just happened? That his own son just killed him, and that we had the chance to stop him? But we didn't?!"
Finn sighed. "We don't have the time for that right now, if you hadn't noticed! And there was nothing we could do!"
"There was!!" I stood firmly in front of Finn, staring at him with anger. "I tried to save Solo and you stopped me! I could have killed Kylo Ren that moment, but you wouldn't let me!"
"You had plenty of chances to kill him!!" He matched my volume. "You pranced around with him for who knows how long, and you didn't do a damn thing! You're not any better than me, or even him!! Why didn't you kill him, huh?"
I opened my mouth to answer, but I couldn't think of anything to say. Why didn't I kill him? There were so many chances I could have taken, why didn't I even think about it?
"Face it, you've become one of them, haven't you?!" He continued.
"Fuck off!!" I screamed as I tried to slug him across the face. Finn grabbed my arms and tried to fight back, although I held my stance firmly and continued to try and punch him.
"Stop it you two!!" Rey shouted.
We both looked at her. She was standing straight, her hands balled into fists, and a look of frustration hanging from her face. "What happened was awful, and I don't know what to tell Leia. But we'll have time to discuss it later. We need to get out of here, stop wasting your time and your energy being idiots!"
Finn and I looked at each other, and instantly I felt foolish. I quickly moved away from him, and he let go of my arms. We both stared in opposite directions of each other.
I understood what this was - for the first time in a long time, I was finally free of Kylo Ren. Now, all of the emotions that had been pushed back were rising up, more intense than ever. I had to control this, before I couldn't. I didn't want to be like Kylo Ren, who didn't care where his anger directed him.
"Ok." Finn broke the silence. "So what now?"
Rey looked around her, as if an answer would pop up out of the snow. "I don't know. Just keep heading away from the center of the base?"
I nodded in agreement. "That sounds good. We should be safe for a little bit - I can't hear him right now."
Rey and Finn both looked at me in astonishment. "What?" they both said.
I froze. Shit! Panicking, I frantically searched for an explanation. "Wh- uhh... y- you don't hear him too?"
"Hell no!" Finn stared at me like I was a creature he'd just discovered. "What do you mean, 'hear him' ?"
What now, what now, what now... "I, uhh, sometimes I hear him, like he's speaking to me. Directly. But, it's... it's in my head. But I hear his voice, just... in my... head."
They continued to look at me in shock. I shifted my weight in the uncomfortable silence. Stupid! Why the hell did you say that? What's wrong with you?!
"How?" Rey finally said.
I quickly shrugged. "I don't know, it just happens. He can hear me, too."
"What?!"
I slapped my forehead and sighed. You fucking idiot!! "I mean, he reads my thoughts! Erhm, but not all of them. I've been getting better at blocking him out."
"Oh, so you've been practicing with him, have you?!" Finn crossed his arms over his chest and gave me a suspicious look. Rey continued to hang her jaw in disbelief.
"No! No, that's not what I meant, just- "
Suddenly, Rey was launched into the air, screaming as she collided with the tree behind me. She was instantly knocked out as her head hit the trunk.
"Rey!!" Finn cried out, rushing towards her as she fell to the ground. I began to follow him as well - when I heard it.
Come.
I froze, fear rushing through my body. He was close. Kylo Ren was close to us. I had to get as far away from him as I possibly could.
"No..." I answered, searching for an escape. I let my feet carry me in a random direction as I tried to find any sanctuary from the situation.
Finn looked back at me desperately. "I need you to help me get her out of here!"
"I'm sorry..." the words fell out of my mouth, barely a whisper. "I can't stay here, he knows I'm here- "
"Of course he knows!" Fin shouted angrily. "He knows we're all here! We're all in deep water, not just you! If you run away now, you only put yourself in more danger, or you abandon your friends to die. Is that what you want?!"
Finn's words quickly sank into my brain. Of course I didn't want that. Just like I didn't want to leave Delmi and Kiera behind. I didn't mean to abandon them, I was just... running away. Saving myself. Finally admitting this to myself made tears flow from my eyes. I never even thought how leaving them behind would affect them, not just my own self. How could I have done that, and truly called myself their friend? "Oh my god..."
"Look, I almost ran away too." Finn said. "And it didn't just affect me, it affected Rey. I let my fear put my friends in danger - I was a coward."
"I'm not a coward." my voice shook as I spoke, more to myself than Finn. Although I knew the words were a lie.
"Then help me help her. So we can all get each other to safety." he pleaded. "If you really aren't a coward, you won't leave her behind."
I looked at Rey, still unconscious in the snow. She needs both our help. Don't abandon them again. Don't abandon Kiera and Delmi.
"Ok." I said, still shaking. I knelt down next to him. "What do we do?"
Finn searched his mind for a plan. "Chewie should be getting help... we just need to keep- "
He was cut off mid sentence by a stone colliding with his head. He was knocked back into the snow, right next to Rey.
"FINN!" I cried, dropping next to him. There was a small trail of blood running down from his forehead, although not too much; he was just unconscious, but that wasn't good either. I scanned the woods around us, searching for Kylo Ren. Strangely, the trees were the only things surrounding the area. He was nowhere in sight.
"What the hell?" I whispered, still in shock. I looked at the stone on the ground, just a few feet from me. It was smooth and glossy - too artificial to have been lying around in the woods. So where did it come from? And further, stones didn't just fly around for no good reason. It was Kylo Ren, it had to be.
I shook my head, clearing the panic from my mind. I had time to get Rey and Finn to safety. And right now, that mattered more than myself.
I quickly spotted two fallen trees, one leaning against another. It made a small shelter against the wind, and anyone who may have been coming from behind us. I scooped up Rey into my arms and carried her behind the trees. She was lighter than I had expected, and barely made a dent in the snow. Finn, on the other hand... I resorted to dragging him by his arms, and struggled to throw him over the two trunks. He landed heavily on his side, his head resting in the snow.
Come here.
A chill ran down my spine. It was him. The voice was calm and gentle, but it was him. Fear quickly flooded my veins and my heart pounded. How long has he been here?
Trust me.
"Don't you fucking dare..." I whispered, anger building in my chest. "Don't you dare think that after everything you did- "
I kept you alive. I spared you. I gave you a chance no one else had. You should be thanking me.
I squeezed my eyes shut. I knew he was lying, it was obvious now. Yet there was still a part of me, an innocent, gullible part, that thought he was right. And I couldn't drown out that thought.
You're tired. You need to rest.
"No!" I shouted, sinking to the ground. I buried my head in my knees and held my ears shut, trying to block out any thought, any lingering of him.
I know you.
"You don't know shit about me!!"
Come here.
His voice resonated throughout my head. I couldn't hear the wind anymore, I couldn't hear my own heartbeat... it was just those two words, over and over again, beckoning me to move towards Kylo Ren.
"STOP IT!!" I screamed. "Get out of my head!! Just get out!!"
Come here.
"No!" I shouted again. "I won't! Stay away from me, stay out of my head!!" I clawed at my head in attempt to distract myself from his words. They were oddly alluring to me. Instead of them being angry and violent, they were gentle. Almost as if he was cooing at me. I knew it was all a trick, but my mind was used to the softness of his voice. I was so tired, so weak, and so desperate, and the sound of his words were so enticing.
Snap out of it!! I thought to myself. Whether the words were kind or not, this was Kylo Ren; the man who manipulated everyone and lied about everything. I shouldn't have been interested in anything that had to do with him. Yet, even as I mentally screamed at my weak will, I continued to feel the want to get up and go to him.
Eventually, I couldn't resist the urge.
"I'm not crazy..." I mumbled, pushing myself off of the ground and making my way to him. I didn't know why, but I didn't bother to question it.
He was standing in front of me - where he came from, I had no idea. Upon seeing me, he removed his helmet and dropped it in the snow. His lightsaber was ready at hand, glowing menacingly against the white of the forest surrounding us. His expression was calm, though I could see a hint of anger and frustration in his eyes. I stopped a few feet away and stared at him.
"I'm not insane." I repeated - like a broken record.
"Do you actually think that?" he spat, his voice shaking in anger. "Can you even think for yourself anymore, after what I've done to you?"
What does that even mean? I thought, and Kylo Ren heard me.
"Would you believe me if I had told you that you haven't acted of your own free will since the day you got here?"
I didn't answer. I couldn't answer, I couldn't even make any facial expression to show my pain. But the inside of my head was screaming with agony, at his words and at his hold on my mind.
"Keeping you in that cell," he continued, "that was just the beginning of breaking you down. I knew your will was too strong to succumb to physical pain, and may have only gotten stronger through the torture. So I waited - it wasn't easy, and you know I'm not a man of patience. But I could see that leaving you alone in that cell was destroying your sanity. You became desperate for any sort of comfort or consolation, that it didn't matter from whom it came. Naturally, I took the opportunity, right when you had told me you had given up. You were at your weakest point, and I was able to control your emotions without you ever knowing it. I made you feel safe, at ease... and because your will was so broken, so defeated... it was simple, almost too easy, to make you think and do what I wanted. I could make you believe anything, trust anything, feel anything, all with a small thought of my own."
"If you could do all that," I said, trembling, "...if I was so broken, then why did you drag it out so long? Why didn't you just get the information you wanted and kill me?"
He didn't answer right away, as he calculated his answer. "Simple boredom." he replied. "Which was my mistake, of course. There's nothing to do on this base besides giving and taking orders. When I realized that I had created such a puppet out of you, I decided to have fun with it. Although I believe this attack could have been long avoided had I just retrieved the location of the base and disposed of you."
My brain was hazy under his trance. Each word he spoke made me think of when I had trusted him, when I had felt comfortable around him. But the memories were sour now, and tainted with the realization that it was all a game. "You..." I began as I glared into his eyes, to which he seemed intimidated. "You are nothing but weak, and you know it."
"Quiet!!" he cried, bringing his lightsaber up to my neck with a menacing expression. "You've been lied to since the moment you got here! You can't possibly know what I am!!"
"I saw what you were moments ago!" I shouted back at him, ignoring the lightsaber at my neck. "You're a monster, and a murderer! But more than that, you're the rotten bastard, a disgraceful, son-of-a-bitch- "
"I SAID QUIET!!" he growled.
"- lazy and immature coward!!"
"ENOUGH!!" Kylo Ren drew back his lightsaber and slashed it across my torso. I collapsed against the tree behind me, though he used the force to keep me standing up. I seethed and bit my tongue as I stared at the new mark on my stomach; it didn't cut through me, but it left a long stripe, stretching from one side to the other.
I looked back at him. "Just kill me!!" I screamed angrily. "You've stated your intentions, and you've shown me how I'm not a piece in this game anymore - so just kill me for god's sake!!"
Kylo Ren clenched his jaw, still fuming. "You're not going to bother asking why I'm explaining all of this to you?!"
"I couldn't give a fuck about you or what you have to say!"
He ignored me. "I'm telling you this now because, well... because I couldn't tell anyone else what I was doing to you. I've kept our secret for months, lest anyone find out the fact that I was just having fun. And as you should know, any type of isolation - whether it be keeping a secret, or not being able to speak to anyone but my own conscious - it's a wretched feeling. So, that is why I am explaining my plan to you. It doesn't matter if you know, since I'm going to kill you."
But-
"But what?" he sneered. "Did you really think I felt affection towards you? Did you honestly think I was telling the truth?" he spat the word out, as if it had tasted sour. "I must have been doing a very good job of it, then, since even now, you still believe I had feelings for you. That, or you must be terribly dense." he walked to my side, disappearing from my vision. "Think to yourself - why would I ever admire you? Why would I be so infatuated with such an insignificant person? You mean nothing to me, and you never have. Nor will you ever."
He allowed me to speak, only to answer him. "You said that I entranced you. That you were intrigued by my resilience to the force. You said - you said you loved me." I felt stupid and ashamed repeating his words - they were obviously lies. It was so damn clear now, it made me want to vomit. And I had been so blind to believe that they were true. It was sickening to know that I had ever accepted them to be real. It made me realize how weak I was, how gullible I had been.
"Not all of that is a lie." He stated, as I got back up on my feet. "I was interested in you. You had the strongest willpower of the pilots in your squadron. Possibly, of all the pilots I have come across. I was confused in how you were able to remain reserved under the force. But I never loved you." he chuckled to himself. "It's funny to think that you believed me when I said that. All it took were a few lies, and I was able to control you, little by little."
He sighed, turning to look me in the eyes. "It is, however, disheartening, to think that all this work I put into you still resulted in nothing. I had hoped that in a few weeks you would have revealed the location of the Resistance Base, but then they had to come and initiate an attack. I wasn't able to fight them off and keep you under my control. Even the most experienced Jedi can't control that much at once."
Anger welled up in my chest, and I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch, scratch, kick, do whatever I could to injure Kylo. However, the restraint holding me back from hurting him only fueled my anger, which led to tears falling down my cheeks. Everything he was saying was so painful, but now that I knew, I wasn't shocked by any of it. It was something I had expected from so wicked a person, yet every second of listening to him speak was torture.
"You think this, right now, is torture." he said. "But wait until I finally kill you."
This caught me off guard; I chuckled to myself a bit. "You know what? I've been waiting for it for weeks." I said with a sneer. I knew he hated that, and I didn't care. For the first time in a long time, I felt liberated. Kylo Ren was about to kill me. I was going to die - death was right in front of me, shrouded in black and angry that I had managed to escape his grasp more than once. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't giving up, either... I just felt at peace.
But of course, he wasn't going to let me have that. "I will thoroughly enjoy this, my dear."
As he said this, he pushed the cross hair of his lightsaber into my abdomen. A fierce heat flowed violently from the lightsaber and into the rest of my body, and my muscles twitched and seized instinctively from the wound. Even though I was still under his grasp on my mind, I stuttered and shook in pain. Tears began to fall harder, and I could feel the lightsaber cauterizing as quickly as it tore through my skin.. It was warm, but it only made the pain worse as time went on. My breath was heavy and cold, and my heartbeat had quickened drastically. I felt the pain; I knew it was pain, and it made me want to scream and writhe in agony. But all I could do was stand there and stare Kylo in the eyes, until he either released my mind from his grip, or finally killed me. And I was sure it would be the latter.
Fear
But I wasn't afraid.
Father. Han Solo.
These images and thoughts in my mind weren't my own...
Pain
These were his thoughts. Kylo Ren's thoughts. Why could I hear them? Why were they so loud in my head?
I can't do this.
I looked at him in the eyes. Does he know I can hear him? I thought. The pain from the lightsaber subsided as I continued to listen to his thoughts.
Suddenly, I noticed his expression change; he seemed angry, as if I had insulted him. His eyes widened, and leaned in closer to my face. "You will not break me!!" he spat.
The next words that slipped from my mouth... I'm not sure where they came from. I can't even say that they were my own.
"I won't be the one to break you, Ben."
Upon hearing me speak, he wrapped his hand around my throat and began to choke me. The lack of oxygen was excruciating, however, I continued to be numb to the pain.
"What did you say?" he growled.
I struggled against his grip, trying to pry away his fingers with my own. I attempted to answer him, but his hand only tightened around my neck with each gasp.
Suddenly, a blue light raced past my head. Kylo was forcefully knocked to the ground, tearing his lightsaber away from my side. I could feel the force being pulled from my head, and almost instantly, pain replaced it. I fell backwards into the snow, screaming in anguish from the pain in my abdomen. My muscles convulsed involuntarily, my head seared with pain - it was all so much at once. Only moments before, Kylo was holding me back from reacting to the wound, and now that he was gone, all I could feel was the searing heat in my side..
I weakly pushed myself up against a tree, trying to cover the wound with my hands. The blood was almost invisible on my dark clothing, but I could see the snow beneath me becoming redder and larger. My head was swimming with dizziness and I began to see spots. I could faintly hear the sound of lightsabers clashing together, and Kylo's distant shouts.
Summary: Sam is in the cage. Dean is with Lisa and Ben. Castiel is back up in Heaven. And Pandora, Sam and Dean’s sister figure, is left with Bobby and a sticky note to explain what happened and where everyone went. Both Dean and Castiel left Pandora on her own, telling her to try and have a normal life and stop hunting. However, this only makes Pandora angry, since she thought family would never leave each other on their own. She fights with herself over being kind and staying with Bobby, or actually moving far away to forget that she ever knew Sam, Dean, or Castiel.
Words: 5,039
Warnings: Violence, Blood, Gore, Swearing
A/N: It’s been a while.
I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. I've ruined friendships, family connections, and even my own health because of all the idiotic, senseless things I've either said or done. Most of them, I regret, but not all of them; like the one time I threw a baseball so hard it flew through the window of my neighbor's house. Of course, I was scolded for that - but in the end, it got me a place on the girl's baseball team for a few years as the lead pitcher. Another time, I accidentally missed the bus to visit my Aunt - my father was furious, yelling at me about a wasted ticket. It actually turned out pretty well, because later that day, the bus ended up swerving off of the highway and crashing into the opposing traffic. If I had been on that bus, I probably would have been seriously injured, if not dead.
So, like I said, I don't regret everything, even if the things I did held no beneficial result; but the dumbest, ridiculous, most foolish mistake I have ever made was tagging along with the Winchesters.
I'm not saying that I regret it; I'm not saying that I don't. in fact, I couldn't tell you if I did or didn't. Every day with these two was a roller coaster. But joining forces with them was pretty damn stupid of me to do. I got myself into more trouble with Sam and Dean than I did before I met them - and I was often in a good amount of trouble.
You see, I was a victim once. A long time ago, when I was 16 years old. My father had always been abusive towards me, was ridiculously short-tempered, and would often leave the house for days at a time after beating me. It just so happened that on one of those days, a ghoul had killed him; he returned home, disguised in my father's skin, and immediately began to treat me as any loving father would their daughter. And I, being unbelievably gullible, thought that he had just had a change of heart. For three days, I let this creature kiss my cheek and tell me, "I love you," thinking it was my own dad; but it felt good. I believed that things had taken a turn for the better.
That was, until the blood-sucker grew a bit thirsty.
I'm not going to go into detail about what happened after that. Let's just say, I lost a lot of blood, the Winchesters killed the ghoul, and the next thing I know, monsters are real. After that whole incident, they both gave me a pep talk on creatures such as that, and told me to go find my next closest relative to live with. Basically; don't wander around by myself.
But who were they kidding? I wasn't about to live with a distant relative that I hadn't spoken with in years - for all I knew, they could be some sort of monster as well. The only two people that I trusted at the moment were Sam and Dean. They were the only people I could be sure weren't monsters. So, unless my aunt Mandy was wiling to cut herself with a silver knife to prove she was in fact not a blood-thirsty beast, I was sticking with those two baboons. Long enough that, after a few years, they actually accepted me as a sister-figure.
And there, dear reader - there, is where I signed up for the longest and wildest thrill-ride that would be the rest of my life.
------------- One Year and Six Months Ago
I couldn't believe it. No matter how many times I told myself, no matter how many times I tried to look past the meat suit, I still couldn't believe it - I was less than twenty feet away from the devil himself.
I knew Sam was in there, too. I knew he could fight through this, fight Lucifer and win his mind back. But as I watched him, how he acted, how he spoke... I couldn't register it as two different souls in one body. I translated it as Sam - a sarcastic, asshole Sam that was low-key trying to kill us all. Then, there was Adam - or currently, Michael. He looked normal as ever, only angry as Hell (no pun intended). Adam was their half brother that they had met not too long ago. Or, at least, they had met his Ghoul twin. He and Lucifer were just getting ready to fight, until the four of us had pulled up, cutting the showdown short.
I stood behind Castiel, with Bobby and Dean to my left. Rock of Ages was still blasting from the Impala's radio - it felt pretty empowering, listening to the song as we casually drove into the cemetery. But now that we were actually facing down two archangels, it didn't seem to offer any comfort or assurance. My hand rested on the angel blade in my pocket, although I knew it wouldn't be any use. My entire body was trembling despite my efforts to calm myself down. I didn't want Lucifer to know how terrified I was, or else he would use my fear against me. Still, the very thought of that made me afraid, and I only continued to panic with each second.
While Lucifer and Michael were focused on Dean, Castiel took his chance to catch them by surprise. "Hey! Assbutt!!" shouted, and threw flaming glass bottle of Holy Fire at Michael. Moments after it hit him, the archangel screamed and burst into flames, disappearing into thin air. Just the sight of it made me quiver, as I realized just how much we had gotten ourselves into.
Lucifer glared menacingly at Castiel, while Dean sent him a disappointed look. "Assbut?" he repeated.
"He'll be back, and upset." Castiel ignored him. "But you've got your five minutes."
"Castiel?"
We all looked at Lucifer, who was now closing the distance between him and Cas. My knuckles were white around my angel blade, and in my fear, I began stuttering the Lord's Prayer under my breath.
"Did you just Molotov my brother with Holy Fire?" he asked angrily.
Castiel's mouth quivered into a nervous smile. "Uh... no?" he stammered.
Lucifer stopped a few feet away from the angel. "No one dicks with my brother - but me." Seconds later, he snapped his fingers together.
Suddenly, Castiel exploded into a red mist. Pieces of him went flying everywhere, landing on me and Bobby, and hitting the front of the Impala.
"CAS!!" I screamed. My eyes were shut, trying to avoid looking at the remains of him surrounding me.
Lucifer smirked mischievously. "This is why you don't mess with an archangel's stuff."
I snapped. "You fucking BASTARD!!" I shouted. It had completely slipped my mind that this was still partially Sam, and not wholly Lucifer. I began to pull my angel blade from my coat pocket.
"Panda, NO!!" Dean's voice rang out, loud and clear - but I didn't listen. I had spend years with Castiel, listening to him, laughing with and at him, watching him hunt with Sam and Dean. He had been one of my closest family members, even though we never shared the same blood. He was important to me; and now, this selfish parasite that was infested into Sam had just demolished him, right in front of my eyes.
Angrily, I took the angel blade from my pocket and threw it at Lucifer.
"PANDORA!!" Dean shouted again.
The blade hit its mark, and perfectly. It landed right between Lucifer's eyebrows, causing him to stumble from the impact. For a second, I felt proud of my aim. Baseball practice really paid off, I guess. Then, as I realized what I had done, I was devastated. Not only did I hurt Lucifer, but Sam as well. I had probably ruined any chance of saving my brother that we had. I had killed Sam, and in that moment, I wished I could take the angel blade back.
However, despite having the blade lodged into his head, Lucifer steadied himself. He looked at me with a proud smirk. "Wish granted." he stated.
Before I could even register what he had meant, the blade was thrust from his forehead and straight into my throat. A painful, burning surge was sent into my chest - I tried to scream, but all that came out were choking sounds. I grabbed my throat, instantly recognizing the warm, wet, red substance running through my fingers. I sank to my knees in shock, unable to tear my eyes away from the blood.
No...
In seconds, Bobby was kneeling on the ground behind me, trying to cradle my head and muttering empty words. "Panda, look at me - keep your eyes on me - you're ok - everything's gonna be fine - "
"Oh, what a shame..."
I met Sam's smiling face.
It's not him... It's not Sam... It's not Sam!!
"Sorry, Panda." he said, so sincerely.
It definitely sounded like Sam. It felt like it was Sam who had just slit my throat. So, in my half-dead state of mind, it was Sam, smirking at me, taunting me, watching me die.
In a snap, my head hit the cold ground, and I was staring at the grass and Dean's shoes. It was all so quick; I went from angry to panicked, the blood was quickly rising up into my mouth, and my mind was quick to black out.
And that was the last of it... for a while, at least.
---------------- Six hours later
I had been awake for quite some time, listening intently. I heard birds outside, faint chatter coming from a radio, and the sound of willows swaying in the wind. Strange, that I would hear such things, when I was dead. Unless I was in Heaven... did Heaven have birds and trees? I always imagined that there were, but that was before I had found out that angels were often jerks, and God wasn't home all the time. Still, where else would there be birds and trees? Certainly not Hell. Well, I thought, if I would actually open my eyes and check, I would know where I was. However, I didn't want to open my eyes. No matter how beautiful my Heaven or how awful my Hell may be, I didn't want to accept that I was dead. Not to mention, I'd probably be alone where I was. I remembered the slit in my throat, the dull feeling of my head hitting the ground... but after that, I couldn't explain what I felt. There was definitely a memory after I blacked out, but the only word I could use to describe it was... nothing. Non-existent, was more of an understandable term, though no one could understand it unless they had felt it.
But now, I was in... Heaven? Right? Or Hell? I knew I had moved on to one of those places, because I felt something. I was lying down, and the scent of dust and grease filled my nose. Where would I be where they would have dust? I thought. Hell, probably... but is this as bad as Hell gets? What about the sounds of the birds and the radio and the wind? Where's the fire and the torture and the screaming? Maybe my Hell is just... not knowing where I am. Being forced to wander around for eternity, never understanding where I am or where I'm going, what'll happen to me, who I'll meet-
"Pandora?"
I stiffened at the sound of my name - more, at the voice that had said it. It was definitely Bobby's voice. But then, that would mean... he was dead too? And we were both in Hell? Or Heaven? In my confusion and fear, I forced myself to open my eyes.
I was greeted by the familiar living room of Bobby Singer, lying on his older-than-shit couch. He sat in front of me, his eyes filled with concern and caution. My thoughts were racing. Why is Bobby here? Where the Hell am I?! Where are Sam and Dean?!
"...Pandora?" he repeated after a while.
I stared at Bobby with wide eyes, as I felt my heartbeat pounding in my chest. It was strange to hear his voice; it felt as if I were hearing it for the very first time, though I knew that wasn't true. For a moment, I faltered. "Are... are we...?"
"No," he replied, "we're very much alive. This ain't Heaven."
I slowly processed his words. "Hell?"
"Afraid not."
That's not possible... I thought. "But- " The words were hard to say. "-but I died. He... he slit my throat."
"Cas healed you and Dean, right before he left."
"Cas is alive?!" I sat upright on the couch, disbelief plain on my face. Despite being dead a few hours earlier, my body was strangely full of energy. "So... so it must have worked? The plan that Dean had?"
He hesitated for a bit. "Well... you see- "
"Wait, why did Cas leave?" I asked. There were so many questions in my head. Mainly, how Cas was somehow revived from the dead, but also, why he would take off right after he had been blown to bits.
"Said he had business up in Heaven." Bobby replied.
"Alright, that's fair..." I tried to calm myself down and process everything that was going on: Cas died, I died, Sam somehow got Lucifer back into the cage... so we were alright? Despite the adrenaline still pumping in my veins from earlier, we should be okay?
"Where's Dean?" I asked.
Bobby didn't reply. He was staring at the wall behind me, avoiding the question. Panic struck me at his response
"Where's Dean?!" I said again, a bit impatient.
A sigh escaped his lips. "He's gone, too."
I bit my lip as my emotions took over my mind. "What do you mean... gone? Like, 'I'll be back' gone, or... 'I won't be back'?" I chocked, thinking about what could have happened to him.
"Well, he ain't dead." Bobby said, matter-of-factly, and I sighed in relief. "But he ain't coming back either, Panda."
Anger now replaced any emotion I had beforehand. "Why? What does that mean?! And where the Hell did he go? Why would he leave us behind, just like that?"
"He left a note."
I scoffed. "Yeah, leave a note, that will fix everything." Bobby sighed again, before motioning towards a sticky note on the table.
I bit my lip. An indirect message - not a good sign.
Panda-
I know you're probably mad that all I left was a note - I
just didn't want to make this harder than it had to be. If I told
you what I was doing in person, you wouldn't have let me go.
The fight's over. It's all over. Satan's back in Hell with
Michael, and Sam- well, Sam is gone too. And I'm sorry to
say that so am I.
This is your chance to start a new life, to be a normal
human being. You can put hunting behind you and pretend none
of this had ever happened. If you ever wanted to start a
family, go back to school - here's your chance. I'm going back
to take care of Lisa and Ben, to try and live the life I was never
given the chance to start. I'm done with hunting. My family
is now my first priority. But if you ever need me, you'll know
where to find me.
-Dean
"He wants you to know that he left you here for your own good." Bobby said, never looking me in the eyes. "To keep you out of trouble."
My head was shaking as I read the note over and over, tears stinging the edges of my eyes. "That's it?" I said angrily. "He just dumps me on your couch for you to take care of, and then drives off to live with Lisa?! I've been hunting with him for how long? And he suddenly thinks that I need protection?" I was fuming; " 'My family is now my first priority.' Who does he think is his family?! Apparently, not you or me, who fought next to him for a good chunk of his life. Apparently it's this fling he had a few years ago?!"
"Pandora, I'm hurt by it just as much as you are." Bobby said. "But you gotta understand, Dean's right. He never got to live a normal life because of the way John treated him; he should be allowed to have this much."
I shook my head. "I just don't understand how he could leave us behind like that. Family isn't just the person you have feelings for, family is the people who would risk their lives multiple times just to make sure you live to see another day."
Bobby fell silent and stared at his hands in his lap. I was still furious over Dean's note, rereading it again, hoping that I would get some form of relief from it. But it only made me more angry. "I didn't get bitten by a vampire and save his ass for nothing. I didn't go through those stupid Djinn hallucinations for nothing. I did it because I knew he would do the same for me." I slammed the note back onto the table in anger. "Or so I thought."
Bobby quickly spoke up. "Panda, you know he still cares about you. You're practically his sister."
"Then why did he leave?!" I screamed. Bobby jumped in his seat at my outburst, but had nothing to say. I fell back down on the sofa, resting my head in my hands. "And what about Sam?" I asked. "Did he leave with Dean? Did he give up on hunting too?! He would have been livid if he knew what Dean was doing! He wouldn't have let his brother just walk off, Sam wouldn't do that! Where is he?!"
Bobby was silent all throughout my rant. His eyes moved from mine to the floor, and he sighed.
A sick, twisted feeling suddenly rose in my stomach. "Bobby, where's Sam?" I managed to whisper the words out, but I had a vague idea of what the answer would be.
Bobby looked back at me sadly. "Panda... Sam didn't make it."
I knew he would say that. I knew it was going to be bad - we had expected that Sam wouldn't survive from the beginning, and had accepted it. But knowing that he was dead was a whole different feeling. My mind was screaming with agony, and I wanted to cry as loud and as long as I could. But I forced myself to swallow it all, and instead stared at the floor. If I looked at Bobby, I knew I would fall apart.
"So we didn't win?" I stammered, fighting the bile that threatened to rise into my throat. "Lucifer got to Sam?"
"Well, not exactly..." Bobby said. "Lucifer is back in the cage, but only because Sam..." he choked on his own words. "He threw himself in there with him." His voice was hoarse as he spoke. "Adam - well, Michael, should I say - fell in the cage too."
As Bobby was telling me all this, I chuckled. I don't know why I did, and I was appalled at myself for doing it. Bobby looked at me, astonished just as much as I was, as to why I would laugh in such a time. It was more of a nervous laughter - my body's own response to sorrow, an attempt my mind was making to try and cheer myself up. But I only felt like shit for giggling, and I wanted to stop.
"Panda, you alright?" Bobby asked.
Looking into his eyes, I noticed that tears were just about to fall from them - and I felt sick. I couldn't hold back my own emotions, and I began to sob. I was still in shock and disbelief that I had died (as anyone would be), and that I had been revived from death. And when I woke up, everyone had left; one was torn from me, and the other two abandoned me. What the Hell am I supposed to do when that happens? Did Dean and Castiel expect me to feel happy that I was alone? And did they not feel any guilt, leaving Bobby here alone to tell me what had happened? I mean, Dean couldn't even stay to tell me that his fucking brother had died?! Was I stupid enough to believe that he would actually take a bullet for me?
Bobby began to choke on his own sobbing. "Pandora, we're gonna get through this- "
I ignored him, instead leaving the room in a hurry. He called out my name frantically, but I ignored him. I ran into the guest bedroom and threw myself onto the bed. My head throbbed with anger and confusion, questions were racing through my mind... I was crushed. I was alone. But if Castiel and Dean truly believed that I could survive alone, then I was going to do just that. I wasn't going to care anymore. I was going to accept that the Winchesters and I were never as close as I thought we were - nowhere near as close. I was going to be by myself, be independent - I never relied on them all that much, but now, I was going to be completely and utterly on my own. And I wasn't going to regret anything.
Except... Only that I never got to say goodbye.
---------------- Three hours later
With a frustrated sigh, I finally was able to get my suitcase closed. I had stuffed all of the extra clothes and necessities that I always kept at Bobby's, including an old picture of me and my dad - I never knew why I hung onto it, since it didn't make me happy. There was also a small bird made of elm wood that Sam had carved for me - or, had attempted to, anyways. He knew how much of an avid fan I was of Edgar Allen Poe, so for my eighteenth birthday, he tried to carve a raven for me. We all agreed to just call it a 'bird' and ignore the fact that it barely even resembled that. Next to it, I had stuffed a compass that Dean gave me. He had no reason to, except that he found it during a hunt and believed he was too good for using it. Still, it held some significance to me - it was the only thing Dean had ever given me that wasn't also accredited to Sam. Along with those things, I packed my pocket bible, some extra rock salt, a copy of Jane Eyre (my favorite), and an extra hand gun I had kept hidden from the boys. Lord knows they would have never trusted me with anything again if they knew I had one of my own.
Lastly, I put on Dean's old Commander Slub Twill jacket that I most definitely did not steal, and tucked my angel blade into my belt loop. I was finally ready to get out of here.
Don't get me wrong - I wasn't taking Dean's advice to begin a life that I was never able to have. The life of an Average Joe sounded completely dull to me, and the last thing I wanted to do at the moment was follow orders from Dean. I just wanted to get away from the wreck that had been left behind. I could keep hunting monsters and just completely forget the whole first twenty years of my life. Well... somethings wouldn't be forgotten, of course, like all the knowledge I had learned about hunting from Sam, and my so-so combat skills from Dean. Also, Bobby taught me plenty about which beer is the best to drink after killing which creature. Those were precious memories I planned to hold for life.
Quietly, I pattered down the staircase, carrying my single bag of luggage and avoiding the creaky spots. One last glance around the house, one last peek at the cluttered bookshelves and dusty furniture... it wasn't at all difficult to say goodbye. My home had always been in the back seat of the Impala (or the front, if Sam didn't feel like fighting me for it) and in old motels. However, an easy goodbye didn't make me feel any better. I felt empty, almost as though I was walking through a dream and just waiting for the moment where I would wake up to my normal life.
"You gonna leave a note for me?"
I jumped; in the kitchen, Bobby was sitting at the table, head in his hands, his back to me. There were several empty beer bottles on the table, including a few pictures scattered beside them. It looked as though he hadn't moved since I fled the living room earlier, save getting up to get the beer.
"You didn't lose everyone, Panda." He turned to face me, and I noticed his eyes were red and swollen from crying. "I'm still here. I didn't leave you."
A pang of guilt struck me right in the gut. I hadn't even thought about what leaving would do to Bobby - I had just assumed that he didn't need me, just like Dean and Cas had figured. If I left him here now, all alone... I would be no better then those two. I'd be doing exactly the same as they were doing to me, and Bobby didn't deserve that.
But what was the other option? If I stayed, what would my future be? Watching old television programs with Bobby, killing a ghost every now and then, drinking beer, working on cars... It was sickening just to think about it, that my life wouldn't progress into anything.
"I have to go, Bobby." I said, although I didn't believe it myself. "You know that, I can't stay here."
"Why not?" he asked, his voice quivering.
I hesitated with my answer. "I don't belong here anymore. The fight's over, there's nothing to do now. I need to move on."
"Why does moving on have to mean leaving me?" His head was once again resting in his hands.
"Because I need to go somewhere in life. I need to do something, or I'll just spend the rest of my life rotting away in this old shack." I didn't mean for my words to sound so harsh; then again, maybe I did. Maybe I wanted to make it easier for Bobby to let me go, by making his last memory of me a sour one.
"Alright..." He took a sip of his beer, refusing to look at me. "Then go." he said. "Leave, go find a better life. If you ever come back, promise me you'll toss out my rotten corpse."
I bit my lip; it was painful to hear him say that. But what did I expect? Wasn't this a better goodbye than one filled with empty promises to return one day? Wasn't it better then staying here at all? "I'm sorry, Bobby."
"Don't try to sweeten your words, you already spat them out." he said coldly.
I faltered at the scorn in his voice. If I walk out now, this will be my last memory of Bobby. I could stay and try to be his family, since he has no one else. I could try-
"Why are you still standing there?" he asked, raising his voice. "If you're gonna leave me, then leave! Just get out already!!" He raised an empty beer bottle and threw it in my direction.
I quickly dodged it and let it crash against the front door. Panic filled my chest as the shards of glass fell around me, and I was shaking with fear and anger. Feeling his words in the core of my chest, I dashed through the front door into the pouring rain, letting the wind breaker slam behind me. My eyes were hot with tears as I ran - I need to get away. I couldn't stand this - the entire day had been so awful, and it had all started and ended at Bobby's place. I just had to escape it, and I didn't care where I would end up. I just had to leave it all behind.
"FUCK YOU DEAN!!" I screamed, and threw my bag down. "AND FUCK YOU CAS!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU BOTH!!" I let my emotions take over me as I pulled out Dean's compass and, with perfect aim, chucked it right through the window of a nearby, broken-down Chevy. "I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR DISGUSTING FACES AGAIN!!" As I stepped back after my throw, I slipped in the muddy ground and landed on my back, knocking the wind right out of me. I squeezed my eyes shut in frustration and... screamed. I just screamed. I couldn't think of anything else to do or to say. Castiel and Dean didn't just leave, they took everything I had.
"Because all I had was you two and Sam!!" I shouted again. Whether Cas could hear me or not, I didn't care.
I opened my eyes and sat up. My clothes, now soaking, were beginning to make me shiver, and I had to start walking before the rain got any worse. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bobby. He was staring at me from the kitchen window, a beer bottle in his hand. I stared back, neither angry at him nor ashamed of myself. I just stared. Get one good look at him before you leave him to dry out on his own. Did he hate me now?
Suddenly, I remembered a friend I had in Bar Harbor, Maine. Lena. She was a good soul, although careless, but I knew she would let me in if I asked for her help. Deciding that was the best place to stay in my current situation, stood up and wiped the rain from my eyes. I made sure to avoid meeting Bobby's stare again, instead glaring at the road before me. Leaving the embers of those burned memories behind, along with Dean's compass, I set out towards my new destination.
It was going to be a long walk.
Tolkien is a good author because he makes sure to tell us that the hobbits’s original ponies were all right after having been scared off by the Black Riders.
dailybridgerton
jbbartram-illu
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