This right here is what I wish people were able to jam into their heads. I really donât think they will until theyâve been on two sides of the coin.
Speaking as someone who used to be the toxic friend who would guilt my past friends when they voiced they were burnt out, and someone who used to be âthe therapist friend.â
I was first the therapist friend who made herself so readily available 24/7, that even if I wasnât in a good headspace myself in the least, I still listened to the problems and mental health of others. Even if I was having thoughts and urges of taking my own lifeâif they were too, then I listened. No matter how more awful it made my own already down the drain mental health.
One friend even sent images of their own fresh self harm wounds, because I never set a single boundary saying they couldnât otherwise.
I set myself on fire to keep others warm.
I then soon developed the same highly dangerous and toxic behavior of âWow, youâre too burnt out and not in a good headspace enough to listen to what Iâm suffering with? Thatâs not a true friendâ to new friends.
The people I deeply harmed with that behavior/mindset soon left my life.
And thank fuck for that. Because no one deserves to ever go through that shit.
At the end of the day, and I hate to sound harsh: But while community, trust, vulnerability, and honesty are direly important in friendshipsânone of them, no matter how close, can âfixâ you.
And they, too, have struggles and scars of their ownâthat whatever youâre dumping onto them out of nowhere (keyword on âout of nowhereâ) has a possibility of greatly and unintentionally worsening what theyâre dealing with. Be it they realize that or not (e.g: Thoughts and urges of taking my own life, let alone self harm, worsened much quicker due to hearing about it even when I was in a good headspace).
Iâm more than thankful I developed the habit of not only simply asking, âhey, are you in a good headspace to hear about this at the moment?â but also if a friend isnât, then using the relatively healthy coping skills Iâve worked hard to find.
I can hold my own if need be now, and that isnât an unhealthy thing at allâitâs being self efficient/responsible of my own mental health.
Understanding that hey, at the end of the day, itâs up to me. And I no longer always need another person to keep me from falling off the end of the thread.
Even licensed, good therapists cannot just erase your problems, let alone hold them off.
They can help you get by, listen, and teach good coping skillsâbut at the end of the day, the battle is up to you. Youâre getting through and leading the pitch black tunnelâall your friends are doing is holding up a flashlight, giving some ideas, and helping with obstacles along the way.
Hopefully all of this makes sense.
Please, for the love of a god I donât even believe in, remember to ask any friends who just vented to you if theyâd prefer you just sit and listen, comfort them, or give advice.
Iâve had a friend in my life who called himself âthe therapist friend,â and after hearing me vent, started giving all this advice I didnât ask for, which felt super condescending, as if I didnât know what to do already. Then started psychoanalyzing meâas if I havenât psychoanalyzed myself, let alone attended multiple therapists and psychiatrists, for years. Which made me feel dissected like a bug, and as if I was more like a client than a friend. And as if he genuinely believed he knew me better than I knew myself.
Both sides can be so, so harmful, in more ways than one. Iâm more than happy someone actually spoke out about one of them, let alone on tumblr, where it seems to be plagued by the same toxic mindset and behavior I used to have. Itâs mind boggling.
