Cami

Words are my fuel, so I can write to feel alive.

[cami-dee]

The sun is setting like the caffeine in my vein As here I for once don't shiver in pain I fueled my corpse with the lightest snack Hours not eaten, true energy I lack The biggest step is objectively small My exhaustion hidden behind my wall So I close my eyes and more than hope That I may find a better way to cope

Cami Dee

[cami-dee]

A change has occured, but still life is mean For as I feel eyes without feeling seen

Cami Dee

[cami-dee]

Life is hard when you are living two As my thoughts paint my mind with a dark hue Rays too bright for my eyes to handle That spark in me dying like an used-up candle No time for living as I'm solely surviving Done are the days where I was thriving For what do I stay when there's nothing in sight? As I find myself praying to see much more light

Cami Dee

[cami-dee]

Eye-fucking hot, older men and seeing them respond to me is my new favorite hobby. Would recommend.

[cami-dee]

My spirit was trapped like a bird in a cage Thus I was a teenager only by age Because of the factors I didn't choose And because no good things were there to lose I now stand with flowers at my grave I lay them down so pained yet brave The tears do fall for this great loss As I mourn the person I never was

Cami Dee

[cami-dee]

If I am so pretty, then why am I alone Then why am I not loved like I'm the most precious thing they own And if I am so kind, then why can I not talk Then why won't you let me tell you about the road you're yet to walk And if I am so smart, then why will you not hear Then why won't you let me help you with the thoughts that you most fear And if I am enough, then why don't I believe you Then why can't I see myself the way I always used to do

Cami Dee

[cami-dee]

As we spend the holidays with the people we choose I can't help but be glad we've got nothing to lose In a world where there is so much conflict and war We get to live here in peace, how lucky we are For once we don't take as we try to be a giver And let your selfish feelings sink like a stone into a river When you don't have much, still try to do something small As some people spend their Christmas with nothing at all

Cami Dee

[cami-dee]

For anyone that needs to hear this: You are perfect with all your imperfections. Life is hard enough as it is, so be kind to yourself. Love, Cami Dee

[cami-dee]

This is not a coincidence...

Today I had an exam. Something entirely different than history, yet my history teacher was still there...

I was in a hurry this morning, so I had little make-up on and I had bags under my eyes we are not even going to discuss. I always try to doll up if I know there is even the slightest chance that I would see him, but I really did not expect to see him today. I feel kind of vulnerable that he has seen me without a lot of make-up, but everybody has a bad day, right?

I had a dictionary with me, like many others, and he was going through every single one. I felt him check the book of the person behind me, and then he walked past my table and checked the book of the person in front of me. He literally checked every single dictionary, except mine. This is not a coincidence, he did this on purpose.

This man knows what he is doing. How can he expect me not to fall in love with him if he gives me the feeling that he trusts me completely? And how does he expect me to make an exam with a clear mind after that?! I tried my best, even if my thoughts kept drifting back to him, and my heart keeps doing things I can no longer ignore.

He better shows up unexpectedly again soon. I'll keep you guys updated!

[cami-dee]

I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him I'm not in love with him

[cami-dee]

As we spend the holidays with the people we choose I can't help but be glad we've got nothing to lose In a world where there is so much conflict and war We get to live here in peace, how lucky we are For once we don't take as we try to be a giver And let your selfish feelings sink like a stone into a river When you don't have much, still try to do something small As some people spend their Christmas with nothing at all

Cami Dee

[cami-dee]

My legs gave up, there I drop to the ground Behind the coats where no soul is to be found Hiding, hoping that no eye would see But then I catch them gazing upon me My skin so clearly as pale as the snow Yet, I could tell they enjoyed the show My blood sugar drops, their smiles did not While I sat with that nauseous feeling I fought In the future no more, but until then The hardest part will be facing them again

Cami Dee

[cami-dee]

I love it when he does that...

I see my history teacher not nearly as much as I'd like to see him. I've had so many lessons I couldn't attend, it actually makes me sad. But yesterday I had his class again, and you just know I had to look my best for him...

He has done this thing a few times and I can't even write this without smiling like a fool. He answers someone elses question while looking me in the eye the whole time. I don't even know why I find this so incredibly hot, but I just feel like we're the only two people in the room when he does that. Like he only has eyes for me.

He asked if there were any more questions and just waited for some time and just stared at me until he went on with his lesson. God, it felt way too intimate to do in a classroom full of other people, but it also adds to the thrill for me. I also feel like he repeats certain topics from when I wasn't in class because I missed so much. He just goes from speaking really strictly with very intense gazes, to soft and very sweet, and I can't choose which side of him I like better.

I am going to make up some questions so I could ask him for some one on one time. I'll keep you guys updated!

[cami-dee]

I wish I could see him...

I haven't seen my history teacher in over a week and it's driving me insane. I honestly feel like this isn't some silly crush anymore and it's freaking me out, but I also don't want to stop...

Yesterday I would have his class again. I really tried to look my best, as I knew I wouldn't be seeing him again for another week. But when I came to school I was so cold and drenched that I had a hypo (low blood sugar). After taking my coat off I just couldn't stand on my legs, my whole body was shivering. I had cold sweat and I was gagging. I tried to eat something as I tried my hardest to not faint. It was really scary, and I haven't had something like that in a while.

But I only had one lesson from him, so I missed that, because my body was too weak to be able to walk to his classroom. I stayed home today as well, as a hypo can really take a toll on your body. But now I need to wait another week to see him again, and I was so excited.

I'll keep you guys updated!

[cami-dee]

Why does he do this...

I talked to my history teacher again, and I noticed someting very strange...

He can't look me in the eye while it's just the two of us talking. He does stand very close to me, he's almost touching me with how close he stand next to me. But he can't look at me for more than a second. I swear it's so weird because he usually is very fond of making eye contact, and I always got so jealous when he would stare into another girl her eyes while explaining something to her. But now I think that the fact that he can't look me in the eyes actually makes me more special than when he does look another girl in the eyes.

Because in the lessons he is more than capable. We are so eye-fucking each other. And I have noticed that some girls have noticed the way I look at him, and if I would look at their direction for two seconds, he would immediately shush them.

I also found out something very interesting. He used an example to help with his explanation, and he said something like ''For example, if me and my girlfriend...''. GIRLFRIEND?! I thought he was married! I wonder why that is... Sure, he has two kids with her, but he is not that legally tied to their mother. This makes me so much happier than it should.

I'll keep you guys updated!

[cami-dee]

This can't be because of me...

The last few weeks I got to see my history teacher again after a break that lasted too long for me. I missed him so much it's actually embarrasing to even write about this.

In my break I started day treatment at my therapy. This means I see him one hour a week less than I do now. It was such a hard decision to make, but I want to get better. I know he knows about it, because he is in the school counseling.

He is way more reserved and calm when he talks, and I can see him try so hard to do that. I thought I was delusional when I thought he might have done it because of me, but he did do it after I told him about my day treatment.

Yes, I talked to him way more in these two weeks than I have in the two years he's been my teacher. I scored very well for the exam and he told me he was very content with my grade, and the other grades that I had scored for other subjects, and he told me that if I continue down this path that I should be very proud of myself. I almost melted right there and then.

I'll keep you guys updated!

[cami-dee]

Our polar opposite looks never mattered to you Because we had minds like one instead of two Your everlasting friendship is what you promised me But that blouse was not the only lie you told, I see

Cami Dee