meg

the light is coming to give back everything the darkness stole

[cammydlover]

2023 goals

Better skin care routine

Go outside more

Take more photos/videos

Spend more time with friends

Stay hydrated

Eat better

Work out more

Go on more dates

Enjoy life!!

[positiveseed]

@positiveseed

Instagram

[cammydlover]

Why is anxiety being such a pain?

Like I swear there was nothing to be anxious about today…just one class at uni (one hour which is usually completely pointless) and that was it..but tbh I didn’t sleep well but still

As soon as that happens my anxiety decides to act up..now I’m relying on sleeping well tonight cause tomorrow is an important day and I really don’t wanna miss it which only adds more pressure.

I hate this..if anyone knows what to do when you’re feeling anxious please let me know.

Love, Meg xx

[cammydlover]

Feeling lost

So it’s been ages since I posted on here but I had a conversation with a friend the other day and it made me realize how much I missed having this outlet and how much I really need it.

So much has happened since I last posted..I started a Masters degree..then dropped out 5 weeks later and started a new one just 2 months later and now I’m more than halfway through that degree and the fear is back

What do I wanna do with my life? Where do I wanna be? Who do I wanna be with? All those questions creeping up on me…

But then again we all know we are never fully ready for what happens after uni..it just happens

You might not find your dream job in your dream city with the perfect apartment..your life might not look like the videos on TikTok where everyone is talking about being the main character

That takes time and effort and determination

Think mostly I just need to allow myself to breathe and take a step back..it’s my life so why am I not enjoying it

I’m the only one who has to live it..no one else just me..and I need to be strong and brave and even if I fail..then I need to get back up and be strong again

Let’s be real my confidence took a pretty big hit during covid

Being alone all the time reminded me of being depressed about 9 years ago

I told myself that I need no one else and that relying on someone else is weak..ever since that time I had a hard time letting people in but covid made that a lot worse

I know it wasn’t my fault that I decided to stick to the restrictions and that covid was/is a thing but I felt guilty for not trying hard enough to make friends

Making friends is hard tho and it gets harder as you get older

And then there’s also this side of me that knows I will leave in a few months so get attached to anyone

I am stupid i know..i should live in the moment but I can’t

It’s never been something I was good at

I just know for a fact that the city I live in now cannot be my home after uni..cause living in England taught me what home and comfort feels like and every day I woke up knowing I was in the best place possible for me

And then I moved away and everything slipped away as well..obviously this is also due to circumstances that had nothing to do with this city in particular but I miss england and it gets worse every day

I have never been home sick thinking about Germany (technically my home country) but get major homesickness thinking about England and the life I left behind

Don’t get me wrong I’m proud of myself for dropping out and finding a degree that fit me but I couldn’t have possibly imagined how hard it would be..

My life was turned upside down and oh boy my anxiety got so much worse

I had an anxiety attack a few months and my lungs hurt for days..I genuinely felt like I was going to die

It’s been getting better now but sometimes I can’t even leave the house which is awful but I do force myself most of the time

There’s also been a lot of drama with my new flatmates (but let’s be real while it seemed to matter in the moment I know it won’t matter in the long run cause their opinion means nothing to me)

“Why would you take criticism from someone you wouldn’t go to for advice?”

I’m not perfect..far from it actually but sometimes it’s okay be a bitch to protect yourself

You can’t let other people walk all over you

Sometimes you gotta cut people off even people that you like

I have this friend and I love him so much but at the moment every conversation with him is pure drama and just drains my energy

I feel guilty but I shouldn’t

I can’t sacrifice my mental health to support someone else..I’ve been there and I ended up in hospital

Oh boy here we go..this is why I shouldn’t stop writing..it’s therapy for me

All I can say..whatever you’re going through right now you’re not alone and you got this! 🖤 there’s always sunshine behind that rain (even if you have to be that sunshine sometimes)

Love, Meg xx

[jamesniallar]

“The last few years of 1D, I didn’t get home much. Maybe once or twice a year and one of them was probably for a gig and the other one was for Christmas so I’ve tried to make it a thing to get home much more. People are getting older, all the usual stuff … I’m the biggest flag bearer for Ireland and the more time I spend away the more I want to get back to it. I’ve gotten better at scheduling and finding the time to get home so I’m going to try and get home at least six, seven times a year now. One of things that really annoys me and I don’t really talk about is that in my mind I’m don’t think I’m perceived as one of the wholesome Irish acts. There’s a list, the Picture This lads, Gavin James, Hudson Taylor, Wild Youth, The Coronas, maybe Dermot Kennedy, and I don’t feel - maybe because I’ve spent so much time internationally - I think maybe people say `Oh, your man from One Direction with the Irish accent’ so I don’t feel as though I’m one of the full-blown Irish acts simply because it’s my fault for not spending enough time here.”

— Niall talking about getting to be in Mullingar a bit more often and not being perceived as one of the wholesome Irish act.

[cammydlover]

I know everyone is already talking about corona and all that but I just need to talk about how I feel and I have no one else to turn to...

The thing is I went to a German uni for two years and I was meant to finish my undergraduate degree here in the UK. Everything was going great until now..

I met so many amazing people and I thought we would all be here together for graduation and in general the spring/summer in England.

Now with this virus going all around the world everything changed and we might not even have a graduation ceremony.

I knew things would be different but it only hit me last Friday when all of sudden my Spanish friends announced they would be leaving Satuday afternoon to be in Spain before borders closed. So that was the first goodbye.

Then on Monday my French friends decided to leave as well and we had yet another goodbye meet up.

On Tuesday I went to my last class and one of my friends didn’t show up because she spontaneously decided to go back to Germany and I hadn’t even had a chance to say goodbye to her.

On Tuesday, I also attended my possibly last volunteering meeting and it was so sad knowing that I won’t be back next year and that I will never get to work with them again.

As I am writing this I just said goodbye to one of my closest friends here and I don’t know if I will ever see her again. Other than that, more people announced that they will be leaving and I hate this.

This last year of uni was supposed to be amazing and it started to be the best year of my life and now everything is over...all these people leave and I was not prepared for this at all...

I am constantly crying and I am an absolute mess. This is not how I wanted this to end.

[cammydlover]

I really wish finding love was easier..

These days you can’t just go out and hope to meet the one..or at least I can’t. All the guys I meet think I’m hot and they would love to spend a night with me but a date? No way..

And then I look at my friends and for them everything seems to fall into place and I get frustrated? Why can’t I find love? Why does it have to be so complicated?

I just wanna find a man who I click with..is that too much to ask? Apparently yes cause it turns out to be damn hard. A couple years ago I truly believed I would somehow find the one or he would find me but now I’m almost 23 and I feel like I’m running out of time..

I have no time to date several guys and make mistakes..the next guy kinda has to be the right guy..

No pressure..I love that for me 🙄

Anyone else feel that way? Please tell me I’m not the only one...

Love, Meghan xx

[navybluedreamss]

“Well that was one hell of a speech just to get another bite.”

[cammydlover]

Is this what being married to Niall would look like? Cause I’m in 😂🙈 I genuinely love my baby so much and he has my whole heart ❤️🙏🏻

[cammydlover]

Why are athletes especially football (soccer) players so damn attractive to me?

I mean yeah I absolutely love sports and being in shape means so much to me but this specific sport just makes me soft 😩😂

[cammydlover]

Dating

Okay so I just listened to a podcast and these two 20-year-old girls were talking about how they want to start dating in 2020 because they do want to get married at some point and have a family.

The thing is I feel the exact same. I feel like I have to find my ‘person’ at university and I’m almost done with my Bachelor and it hasn’t happened yet. I do not go out to clubs or pubs much but I feel like even if I did I would not find someone that I wanna date. I’m just not someone who enjoys the atmosphere of clubs/pubs so it would be wrong to go there.

However, I do feel like I need to put myself out there which is sometimes really hard with my health condition. You don’t see my mental illness right away and people assume I am completely ‘normal’ which is nice. Anyway, it can be quite complicated to find someone who respects my issues and sometimes weird behaviour without treating me like I’m ill because that would be the last thing I want. I don’t want pity and you do not need to feel sorry for me. 90 % of the time I’m great and the rest I might be really really bad but all I need from my future partner is to be understanding.

With my ex it was a bit difficult. He understood where I was coming from because he also struggled with depression but that’s when I realized that I cannot handle someone who is still extremely ill. I know this sounds stupid but it is way too dangerous for me to be around someone like that and I could not help him without putting myself through a lot of emotional pain. I’d rather date someone who is motivated, determined and positive like myself and who has bad days every once in a while like all of us. I feel like that would help me feel more normal as well and I am very sorry but I cannot be in a romantic relationship with someone who wishes to die.

When I broke up with my ex I was so worried that he would hurt himself which is why I put it off for such a long period of time because even though I wanted to break up I still cared about him and I didn’t want him to get even more hurt.

Anyways for those of you who are in a happy and healthy relationship. Do you have any advice?

Or for those of you who are still waiting for that special someone to enter their life..how are you coping with your friends being in long-term relationships?

Thank you for reading this!

Love, Meghan xx

[cammydlover]

Whenever he texts me my face lights up just like my screen does...

And then I have to remind myself that he’s never gonna feel the way I feel & he’s never gonna care as much as I care about him & his feelings...

[spaceniall]

- Modelling career at its peak!! Niall how do you manage both music industry and fashion industry together??? + Yeah it’s really not easy. Also now I’m a coffee influencer

[niallerjhorann]

I'm all yours I have No Control

[cammydlover]

Dear 2019...you were an interesting one filled with drama, stress and lots of big changes.

Anyways you were a great one. I have gained so much experience over the past 12 months and I have learnt so much about myself so thank you. Thank you for helping me grow and thank you for the achievements I have made throughout this year.

Got over my ex boyfriend

Handled my ex boyfriends weird “stalker-like” behaviour with grace

Made new friends

Actually opened up to people

Passed 28 finals (I know my college is CRAZY)

Graduated and was among the 10 best #classof2019

Moved out of my first apartment

Moved to england

Started university in england

Met so many amazing & inspiring people

Went partying and decided it’s still not my thing

Started doing sports again (it’s nice to focus on that side of me again)

Got to see more places in the UK

Started volunteering

Finally went on dates with guys (even though nothing resulted from that I am still proud of myself for doing it)

And I.....MET LIAM F***ING PAYNE 😍😍😍😍 (I know I know who thought that would ever happen?)

No matter how hard and stressful life can be and no matter how many times I was sat on my bedroom floor crying my eyes out. 2019 was amazing!

I finally found my home and I started to develop who I really am and who I want to be. It may still be a long way from here but all that counts is that I started walking that way. I have been using “Meghan” which is my nickname since I was 15. I am still going to use it here bc I want this to be anonymous but in real life I feel like I can finally use my given name again. It does not feel disconnected to me anymore and that is thanks to the UK and all the people I have met this year.

You changed my life for the better and I know 2020 is gonna be great. Cheers to all the new adventures!

Hope you all have a great start into the new year and please trust the magic of new beginnings!

Love, Meghan xx

I know i know, it ain’t nye yet but I just couldn’t wait anymore 🙈 it’s part of who I am 😅

[cammydlover]

I know you won’t text me but whenever my phone lights up a part of me still hopes it’s you...

[cammydlover]

Let’s talk about love. Isn’t love and dating and all of that really really weird?

When I was 13 I fell in love for the first time ever and he...he broke me heart. In fact she shattered my heart into a million pieces.

It took me years to pick up the pieces again. I refused to crush on anyone but Niall Horan and he was my only love interest from then on. My friends, who were just as obsessed with 1D, completely got that and all we ever did was talk about our boys.

It was so much easier to have a crush on him cause he could not really leave could he?

Anyways when I started college in 2017 I met a guy and he started texting me.

I had no interest in him at first but I still went with it because he was the first guy to ever show any interest in me and I thought I should not miss a chance. We eventually started dating and I kinda fell for him. However, I was so afraid that he would hurt me that I protected 50% of my heart. I never allowed myself to completely fall for him and eventually things had to come to an end. He was not the right guy for me even though he thought I was the right girl for him.

We were definitely not a perfect match but this relationship taught me a lot about what I want in a guy and what I need to work on in order to maintain a happy and healthy relationship.

We were together for almost year and that was like a year ago. I refused to date anyone in Germany because I never wanted to stay there but here in the UK I thought I could be much more open.

I started going out with this one guy two weeks after coming here but again...not a match. Never mind.

Then I met him...a handsome, mature, sporty, funny guy who immediately sparked my interest.

I decided to be bold for once and I texted him. It was going great and he seemed to really gain some interest in me but then I ruined it. How? No idea to be fair but he just lost interest.

Maybe it’s because I am boring but things just changed and I feel terrible. It’s not like I really really like him but I am definitely drawn to him. He is this bad guy and I love this vibe. And actually he is a very sweet and shy guy but I mean we all keep our guard up right?

So there is that and then there is another story. So one of my friends thinks that...well that I have it easy with guys which is absolutely not true! But it’s why she does not want to introduce me to her friends bc she thinks they will focus on me then.

By accident I met her guy friend and now he is starting to crush on me. I have, however, absolutely no interest in him as I have this other guy already and he is also not my type. Way too nice haha...he could not handle me.

This makes me think though that girls actually just want guys who do not want them and vice versa. At least it’s true for me.

Why does it have to be so complicated?

Anyways I am really trying here to seem mysterious and what not. I won’t text the guy I am drawn to anymore and we’ll see what happens.

Wish me luck! 🙏🏻

Love, Meghan xx