How could I not blow? All I do is drop F-bombs

camp camp, carmen sandiego, naruto, and homestuck. headcanons, incorrect quotes, and theories. Ask me if you need me to trigger warning tag something.

[campcarmenstuck]

For anyone interested I made a tobidei server.

Check out the TobiDei community on Discord - hang out with 6 other members and enjoy free voice and text chat.

Asks are open!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/65661862/chapters/169077298

Current fanfiction I'm working on

[campcarmenstuck]

People seemed to like it so here's some Fumikage x spinner headcanons

Fumikage fell in love first but spinner fell harder.

Fumikage likes to feel spinners face, just to show that he's not afraid of him even after everything he's done.

Spinner allows him to touch him so much because he's touch starved. So much so that the first time they slept in the same bed he held on to him the entire night. Later he said he just did it because he's cold blooded. (He is not)

Spinner works as one of Fumikages sidekicks as part of his parole about 25% of the time is spent driving, another 25% is spent actually crime fighting, and 50% is making sure Fumikage dosen't get seriously injured because he and dark shadow are fighting as a team so he's not watching his own back and is about to get stabbed by a goon.

Fumikage has definitely had in influence on spinner style wise. He had to change his costume once he started doing hero work, so it wound up being a more traditional looking ninja outfit to match with Fumikages hero outfit. But he's also had in influence in what he wares in the day to day, lot's of plain black tees and black pants.

The amount of poetry Fumikage writes about spinner is insane. Writing poetry is something he started doing in highschool as a form of journaling, so when he falls in love he winds up writing a lot of it. By the time spinner finds it 2 years into there relationship he finds 3 full books about Fumikages feelings.

(If anyone wants to know more about their relationship definitely let me know)

[campcarmenstuck]

Fumikage x spinner but in a way where when they are trying to rehabilitate him he happens to be in the room and offers to help, and through a comedic sequences of events the wind up falling in love

[campcarmenstuck]

My hero academia but it's like 60% more Scott pilgrim.

[campcarmenstuck]

Deidara: I want you to park that big Mack truck right in this little garage!

Obito: Ok but when you say that can you not do the weird al impressions?

[campcarmenstuck]

Obito: Oh, servant boy bring me my court appointed twink.

Sasuke: The court can appoint that?

Obito: Why yes, of course! He broke the law. Now he must pay for it in backshots!

-in a cell getting his back blown out-

Deidara: Please sir I didn't mean to steal the bread!

[joltai-showa]

What are your thoughts on the popular headcanon that all the Uchihas have a breading kink?

*shocked gasp* Ah, not the breading kink!

lmao but on a more serious note I've never heard of this headcanon, though I can't say I disagree with it

considering that Uchiha were big enough to warrant an entire compound for their clan, which, as I am pretty sure, is not the case for any other clan in Konoha (and the only other clan mentioned having a similar size/influence is Senju who are literally extinct by the time Naruto is growing up lol), I'd say that the Uchiha men must have certainly not wasted any precious time whenever they were not on the frontlines lmao. Especially Fugaku, that man was locked in on the mission. Itachi was born on the second year of the Third Shinobi World War, and as soon as it is over they have Sasuke. Like goddamn we got a dedicated clan leader, always working on the prosperous future of Uchiha🫡🫡🫡🫡

so yeah I think it's a fair headcanon to have. and of course people in Konoha don't know what condoms are, that would actually require Hiruzen to do something about the education system lmao

and yeah yeah I will address the elephant in the room: yes Obito absolutely does have a breeding kink. we are talking about a guy who was holding Rin's cold dead body while he was covered in blood and guts head to toe and said "I'm going to bring you back to life in my new cool world". My man lost his virginity by accidentally pulling Deidara with his stupidity, you know the post nut clarity would have made him awaken a third stage of the Sharingan if there was one. He would deadass roll over on top of Deidara and tell him he's gonna get him pregnant no matter what, even if he has to fight this cruel meaningless world himself. And Deidara would be half asleep by that point because they've got a mission in 4 hours and would punch Tobi off the bed for saying weird shit and promise he'll never let him nut inside again if he's gonna act like this afterwards

But in any case the Eternal Tsukuyomi in addition to bringing back all your dead beloved people would now also make it possible for mpreg to exist. It can only be achieved through countless hours of intense labor and Uchiha's virility combined with pure love, but it is possible in Obito's ideal world😌😌😌😌

[campcarmenstuck]

Fetishis that the akatsuki members have

Kisame- Aquaphilia: A sexual fetish that involves people swimming, posing, or drowning in water. Galeophilia: Sexual attraction to sharks.

Deidara- Autofellatio: Performing oral sex on oneself (male). Autassassinophilia: Being in life-threatening situations.

Sasori- Body modification fetishism: Erotic interest in tattoos, piercings, scarification, and other body alterations.

Zetsu- Dendrophilia: trees.

Hidan- Erotophonophilia/dacnolagnomania: Murder, often of strangers. Hierophilia: Religious/sacred objects. Masochism: Suffering or humiliation; being beaten, bound, or otherwise abused. Sadism: Inflicting pain on others. Piquerism: Piercing the flesh of another person, most commonly by stabbing or cutting the body with sharp objects.

Kakuzu- Chronophilia: Partners of a widely differing chronological age.

Itachi- Impregnation fetishism : The event of being impregnated or impregnating another person. Cheirophilia: Erotic interest in hands or hand contact.

Obito- Impregnation fetishism : The event of being impregnated or impregnating another person. Clothing fetishism : Specific garments such as lingerie, uniforms, or latex wear.

Konan- Stigmatophilia : Body piercings and tattoos.

[campcarmenstuck]

Deidara: Your gonna freaking flip like seriously freak and flip cause sallys has in iggie because iggies booty more biggy and sallys booty twiggy so she called her friend sidney now sallys gonna get impligys.

Zetsu: What's impligys?

Deidara: Implants silly.

Zetsu: Ewww!

[campcarmenstuck]

It's late, to late for normal people to be out walking around but the akatsuki members aren't normal. They are constantly on the move from place to place with sleep more often an afterthought for most members.

Around the back of a convenience store in a little town near the border of the land of fire are Deidara and Tobi. A long mission had just been completed, so they where walking back to Ame in the middle of the night. However, Deidara was still wired with the desire to fight, having not been able to set off as many explosions as he had wanted. So Tobi, usually the one bouncing off the walls has to try and calm his senpai down before he rips someone's head off with his bare hands.

"Here senpai maybe some tea will calm you down." Tobi try's to pass him a can of hot tea from a vending machine.

"I don't want any of your damn tea! I just want to get back to Ame." Growled Deidara.

"Senpai please your going to wake the whole town!" Tobi said in a hushed whisper.

Deidara grabbed the tea out of Tobi’s hand and downed the can in a couple of big gulps. "There happy hn?"

"We really need to do something about all your excess energy." Said Tobi mostly to himself. He thought for a moment before getting a hopefully good idea.

He takes Deidara by the shoulder and slams him against the wall of the store.

"Hey what are yo-" Deidara didn't get a chance to finish his sentence as Tobi moved his mask a bit and slammed his face against his. His brain almost turns to mush by the sudden onslaught of kisses, almost. He try's to push Tobi away but can't get enough power to push him away with how close to the wall he is. So he bites him.

Tobi stops his assault of kisses after getting bit, it didn't hurt but he figured that was a single to stop.

"Yes my love?" Tobi said switching to his Obito persona.

The smaller blonde's face flushes red and try's to avert his gaze. "What... what are you trying to do you idiot!?" He said without as much bite as he was hoping to get out.

"Helping you get out your energy." Said Obito as he returned his lips to there assault now with his hands roaming up under his shirt. He takes the shirt off and gives his nipples a hard pinch, pulling out a muffled moan. The hands roamed down Deidaras chest to unbuckle his pants but he barely got them past his ass before he felt a hand on his neck and then teath biteing at him.

He backed away again this time more annoyed. "Again with the biteing."

"Not that I'm not enjoying this but what if someone sees us?" Deidara asks.

"Like what a squirrel from the dense forest behind us. Don't worry if someone comes I'll deal with it."

"But what if-"

"I'll deal with it." Obito says more sternly "Now turn around."

Deidara does as he's told and turns around putting his face against the wall with his ass poped out.

Obito pulls his pants the rest of the way down. Once his ass is exposed Obito gives it a quick hard smack. "That's for biting me." He then puts two fingers in Deidaras mouth to get them wet before he sticks both in rather rough.

"Hey careful!" Yelled Deidara.

"You like it." Obito said with a smirk before thrusting his fingers in and out of him. He picks up speed fast trying to get on with it as quickly as he can. Though he realizes he could be a little gentler he also knows that Deidara likes it kinda rough. With one last thrust he pulls his fingers out and undoes his own pants just enough to pull out his dick.

"Front or back my love?" Obito whispers into his ear.

"Back." Deidara moans out.

Obito puts the tip in trying to ease it in, he try's to stop every couple of seconds so Deidara can adjust but he can only hold himself back from shoving his entirety into Deidaras warm wet hole. After what feels like an eternity he finally bottoms out and let's out a moan himself.

"How's that my love?"

"Get on with it." Demands Deidara.

He cums a little at the demand and begins to thrust trying to angle himself to hit Deidara's sweet spot. The things he let's the blonde get away with would make most shinobi blow a gasket, he's pretty sure Deidara dosen't even realize the power he holds over him. At his command he would kill thousands for him, on his whim he'd fight the nine tails, just as long as his little prince was happy he'd give him his heart and his life.

It's easy to tell Deidara is feeling good but something still doesn't feel right to him. Deidara is pushing back against him in rhythm with his thrusts but it's not enough. Then he gets an idea, he hooked one arm under his left knee, and pulled his head back to lean against his chest .Then he did the same to Deidara's other leg which had almost been pulled off the ground. He went limp like a ragdoll, arms reaching back to cling to Obitos biceps when Obito began pounding into him again.

They'd never tried anything like this before but remembering how it was described in those shity romance books, Obito rotated his forearms and brought them up higher so that his arms hooked around Deidara's arms, then laced his fingers together behind Deidara's head, this put him in such a position that he had to rely entirely on Obito to hold him up. This made Obito go mad with lust, the way Deidara's dick was just swinging up and down as he thrusted into him, the sound of his balls slapping against his ass, the way his entire body was exposed to the elements. All of it was just so perfect he couldn't help but activate his sharingan to record it so he could keep this moment forever.

Just a second later Deidara screamed as his ass grew tighter, Tobi could feel Deidara cum but he couldn't stop not when he himself was so close. Another couple of thrusts and he was gone, unloading himself deap within Deidara. He held him there for a moment before he felt his arms try to give out, so he lowered himself into a sitting position before slowly lowering Deidara's legs as to not hurt him.

"So how do you feel now my love?"

"If you give me five minutes we can go again." Deidara said slowly beginning to catching his breath.

Obito chuckled and activated his kuami to pull in Deidaras clothes before getting up. Throwing the blonde over his shoulder he walks them into the forest so they can have a little more privacy for the rest of the night.

[campcarmenstuck]

Deidara: Hey I got a question?

Tobi: Yes I still love you, no I don’t want to brake up, no im not cheating on you, yes I'd still love you if you where a worm, yes I remember the first time we met, no I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world, yes I'm still happy with are relationship, yes we can spend tonight together.

Deidara: Thanks.

[campcarmenstuck]

Tobi: My love you are like the sun in sky, the light of my life, it would make me the happiest man if you married me.

-In the middle of the 4th shinobi war-

Deidara teary eyed: Yes yes yes!

Kakashi with a chidori loded: You couldn't have waited 10 minutes!

Deidara: Hey I would have preferred to be alive but beggars can't be choosers.

[campcarmenstuck]

-Samurai au-

Obito: My lord it is an honor to be in your service.

Onoki: It is wonderful to have you among my men, but it appears you misunderstand your assignment. You are not to serve me but my grandson.

-he motions for one of the attendance to get his grandson-

Obito: My lord I mean no disrespect but wouldn't you rather have me among your men?

Onoki: That is the very reason I want you as his personal bodyguard.

-the door opens and deidara walks in-

-this begins to play in Obitos head as he sees him-

Obito: Hello!

Onoki: Deidara will... he work?

-Deidara looks him up and down before giving him a sly grin-

Deidara: He'll do.

[campcarmenstuck]

-Deidara & hidan in the kitchen giggling-

-tobi walks in-

Tobi: Hey guys what's up?

Hidan: Look what blonde did, Hah.

-Hidan points to a naked banana in a pineapple ring with a cherry on top of it-

Deidara: Hey Tobi watch this!

-Deidara proceeds to open his mouth and shoves his head down to the pineapple ring before biting the banana and swallowing-

Deidara: What do you think?

Tobi: ...Senpai have you ever played 7 minutes in heaven?

[campcarmenstuck]

Akatsuki in community college au.

Pain he's in for a business associates degree and makes it everyone's problem. Because how dare he have to get a degree to be taken seriously this is not befitting a god.

Konan is in for a degree in early childhood education. Though she doesn't look it, she has a huge soft spot for kids and wants to help them the same way a teacher helped her.

Kakuzu is getting his career degree in accounting. Back to school grandpa anyone? He's on the cusp of not needing a degree because it wasn't a requirement to get a job back in his day. However after weighing whether it would improve his income down the line he decided it would be best to go to a two year school and see how that goes.

Deidara is getting his associates in fine art. His grandfather wanted him to go to a four year college preferably for businesses. He wanted to go to cal arts. A two month war was issued and this was the compromise.

Sasori is getting his associates in art after he did four years at juilliard and got a bachelor of fine arts in drama. So I bet you're asking, how the fuck did he get here? After doing all of that he had to move back home to help take care of his grandma after her brother died. Unfortunately there are no acting jobs that require that high a level of education in his area so he decided to go back to college to get a associates degree in hopes of being able to get a job.

Hidan is getting a associates in biological science with hope of transferring to a four year school down the line. He realized young that the essayist way to gain access to dead bodies was to become a forensic scientist. Wether or not he can actually pass his math class is another story.

Itachi is getting his associates in criminal justice with the idea of transferring to a four year university later. His family originally wanted him to work in the police station with them but as his health declined that became less of an option. In hopes of being able to still do the family business he decided to pursue criminal justice so he could still help those in need.

Kisame is getting his gas metal arc welding certificate. This is a man that likes to work with his hands. And hopes to get a degree in something that will let him lay down water pipes.

Obito/tobi is getting a corrections certificate. Just something to get his old man off his back.

Zetsu already did two years at another school and is finishing his degree with a associate in science specializing in earth science. Let this man talk to you about trees and renewable energy.

[sasukesdefenseattorney]

really wanna write a fic where the Akatsuki treat Deidara like their baby so if anyone has any ideas (ie: Kakuzu won’t let him drink or something) pls pls share!!

[campcarmenstuck]

Kakuzu won't let Deidara drink under any circumstance. The entire akatsuki will be having a party and Deidara will stuck drinking apple juice.

Hidan is always confused when he remembers that Deidara is younger than him. Because what do you mean this guy who's three years younger than him, has been in this organization longer than him. Honestly he treats him like a younger sibling that you're to close in age to, so he'll slip him drinks when Kakuzu isn't looking and tell him all about the first time he saw a boob.

Kisame is always the first one to go check on him after a group battle. If he smells any blood on him he'll drag him to Sasori or Kakuzu. Just like he did with his younger teammates back in the mist. He won't admit he's got a soft spot for the kid and dosen't actually what to see him get seriously hurt on missions.

Itachi definitely feels older brother feelings while looking at him. He feels happy watching him get excited over some new bomb he just made. It reminds him of when he would watch Sasuke train when they where kids.

Konan is contently reminded of the young members of the original akatsuki whenever she looks at him. So full of potential and life. She loves to sit next to him and do origami as he molds little sculptures.

Nagato is the most egregious at infantilizing him (not in a weird way). He took one look at those big blue eyes and round face and went "Son? 🥹" If he gets hurt on a mission so help him he's up all night worrying that he'll be ok, because he's just a kid and is 16 (19) and still needs help finding his way.

Sasori is less careful with him because they see each other every day and he knows what he's capable of and what he can't do. However when Deidara first joined Sasori very much saw him as a toddler.

"No don't touch that poison it can seep through your skin."

"I swear if I turn around and you have caught another bird I'm leaving you here."

"What have I said about talking to strangers... yes even if they talk to you about your art."

It drove him up the wall and yet he always makes sure he has the most comfortable place to sleep.

Tobi/Obito is the one who sees him the most as just some stupid kid which is why he makes him the target of Tobi. But he'll never acknowledge the fact that Deidara helps heal a sertan part of him that just wants to be a kid.

Zetsu thanks he's funny in a stupid way. He's just some dumb kid that got fucked up in the fucked up world, but watching him run around like an angry dog is entertaining.

[yowyowyaoi]

*Deidara wakes up in the middle of the night in a bed, and looks around, confused*

Deidara: Obito?

Obito, from the floor: I’m down here.

Deidara, leaning over the side of the bed: What the hell? Why are you down there, hm?

Obito, quietly: My back started acting up again. Needed a hard surface to lay on.

Deidara: Oi … *wraps a blanket around himself and grabs a pillow, joining Obito on the floor* What’s the point of shelling out money to stay at an inn if you’re just gonna lay on the floor like we’re camping or something??

Obito: At least we’re not in the rain …

Deidara: Mm; true enough. *moves the pillow so that half is under Obito’s head, then covers them both with the blanket before laying down next to him*

Obito: You don’t have to —

Deidara: Yeah, yeah, I know, old man. *puts one arm around Obito’s chest* Just be quiet and rest, hm. I want to leave early tomorrow so we can get this mission over with.

Obito, indignantly: I’m not old …

Deidara: Are too. What are you, like, forty or something?

Obito: … Seriously?? I’m only thirty-one!

Deidara: Whatever, grandpa. Go to sleep.

Obito: You know what? Now you’ve got me riled up, brat … *positions himself so that he’s on top of Deidara* I’m gonna show you that my age doesn’t — *stops, makes a sudden gasping noise*

Deidara:

Deidara: … You just pulled a muscle again, didn’t you?

Obito: *blushes and nods*

Deidara: You need me to go find some ice for you?

Obito: And a snack, please. But make sure it’s nothing too spicy; don’t want to upset my old-man stomach.

Deidara: Of course.