The Fine Line Between Self Care And Self Destruction
In recent years ‘self care’ has become a broad term with different meanings to each person that practices it. To one person simply brushing their teeth and putting on a fresh pair of socks is enough to get them by but to others there has to be material value and the use of ‘self care’ has been used to terminate questions about the hole they are burning in their pocket. Self destruction could be as simple as holding yourself back from your right to ‘self care’ no matter how small or big your ritual is. To me, ‘self care’ is as simple as lighting my favourite candle in my room, organising my drawers for myself, having a hot and deep bath, putting on a wash- did you notice the trend? I am simply taking care of my own self, these tasks are based around me and only me.
I have recently gotten into exercising more and eating healthy. You would think that this is the utmost of ‘self care’. This is the fine line, I became obsessed with calorie counting and became too restrictive. On surface level I am doing the most for myself but I was tearing myself apart with my lack of patience. This led to me not eating enough and using my defeats against myself. I am learning in order to care for yourself you have to actually care about yourself. That is a hard lesson to learn. I fought off the destructive habits I held onto for years. I believed I wasn’t allowed to be healthy and happy because I had once given up on myself. A tool I used to get rid of the competition with my yappy monologue was that I got rid of numbers, I just didn’t weigh myself so that I couldn’t destroy my visible process with a number that isn’t accurate enough to stick to.
‘Self Care’ can be used as a reward system, when done properly it is foolproof. Rewarding yourself can be as simple as allowing yourself to cocoon and have your own designated time for you. When rewards become too lenient and passive with no meaning it becomes careless and failing to reward yourself becomes too restrictive- where is the line? A lesson I have learnt that if you feel guilt when trying to reward yourself then you need to make a new system. I have had to train myself to accept gifts from myself as if they were a surprise. I give them to myself as if I have never seen them before and that’s when I use my self gratitude as a bigger reward. If you feel yourself making an excuse to get whatever you want when you want then you need a new reward system too. Rewards come from achieving something and aren’t always material. If you reward yourself too often it loses value and becomes unmotivational- it’s like a plastic participation medal.
I have to admit that I used to be a divil for self sabotage, it always goes hand in hand with some mischief- something I can never refuse. I find it very hard to focus when I can’t envision my success. I used to make sure there was any excuse to fall back on to not have anyone expect anything of me. I have only recently learned that the only thing self sabotage does is waste your time. I wasted so much of my time and everyone else's because I just never thought of myself as deserving of anything that could have possibly been good for me. A Lot of it was a fear of change and the fear of letting myself down. If I have to commit to a big task I will run for the hills but I have learnt that sometimes I need time to spoon feed myself the information and process it realistically. A friend of mine described me in one word- catastrophize, I am guilty for doing it with any situation given to me, good or bad. I am still learning how to replace that monologue with a pinch of reality but life is about learning, it all takes time. I used to think running away was ‘self care’ because I was guarding myself but this has been one of my worse self destructive habits growing up, an opportunity is never a coincidence.
‘Self Care’ is to base a few minutes, few hours or a few days just around you. It isn’t about buying anything expensive unless you wish, It isn’t about waiting on anyone else’s time and It isn’t about anyone else but you. Sometimes it’s as easy as asking yourself what would you like to eat or what would be the best thing for yourself right now? Treat yourself how you would want a new friend to treat you, keep up with yourself by checking in, buy yourself some flowers on your way home as if you are a guest coming to visit, learn to rely on yourself and ask yourself for favours, most importantly do not be afraid to tune the world out, turn off your phone for an hour, leave it in a different room, read your favorite book. Make your space a safe and comfortable place of acceptance and tranquility. Don’t be afraid to mess up, the world is a better place with some stories to tell.
Caoimhe x















