Pax Vobiscum, Ye Filthy Scallywags

The musings of Captain Blood Red Vargas          [email protected]

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The Captain as Jack Sparrow

Photo Credit: Diane Rubino Davies

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  The delicious secrets of the West Indies   

 “Tis a life of feast or famine, piracy is. Thar be weeks on end where even a cockroach is a mouthwaterin’ feast... or th’maggots on yer biscuits taste like the sweetest buttery spread. Throats be dry as sand. Tis a miserable voyage on a ship full of starvin’ sailors, I be tellin ye. 

       Of course, there be th’ magnificent days after a successful ransack an’ pillage, where the rum endlessly flows and th’galley be well-filled with the finest of provisions. The freshest poorjohn, dried fruits, salt beef, stuffed bags o’mystery. and dozens of barrels of alcohol be spoilin’ the crew rotten. The extra be lavishly frittered away on gamblin, whores, swindlers and traders at the ports. Isaac, a particularly sly one on Tortuga, only traded th’ highest quality shrimp and only dealt with th’ highest bidder. His talents lie far from fish mind you, all the mysteries of the Caribbean be hidden in his dreadlock’d noggin. Only the most lustrous gold an’ silver coins would uncover those dark secrets. Secrets like delicious long pork, for example, a taboo delicacy known only to those daring enough to dine on it, was in high favor in the occult corners of the West Indies. Isaac monopolized the market, tradin’ rare oriental spices for this much sought after cannibalized corpuscle. Cap’n Hector Barbossa, a buccaneer well-known for his sense of sophistication, is oft quoted,“ feastin’ on apples an’ spam I be, because spam be th’ closest to approximatin’ the porky taste of human flesh”...

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The outlandish tales of Captain Teague

“Me memories of’me father be foggy at best. Disease drove him mad, the poor man.Though I do fondly recall his fascinating tales of his adventures with the extraordinary Captain Teague. A true gentle man of fortune, he would admiringly claim.Together they explored the farthest corners of th’ map and encountered the mythical beasts of yer wildest imagination! Married a young beauty of the savage Pelegosta Tribe, the Cap’n did, only outsider dare to do so. Attempted to steal her away, but was foiled by a monstrous typhoon just of th’eastern coast of the island. Honored as a god he was but unfortunately the bride met an unpleasant fate for doing the unthinkable. A child they left behind an’ raised by the cannibals as one o their own. Old salt Teague escaped by the skin of ‘is teeth, just like his offspring did many years later...apples fall not far from th’ tree says I... lucky bastard that Jack Sparrow! Hidin’ from the Kraken he was!”

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The Legend of  Captain Theo Ivory Bones Jones

The menacing and ruthless pirate, Cap’n Theo Jones, terrorized the isles of the Caribbean; sacking towns, raiding ships and amassing a massive fortune. Th’ mere mention of his name would strike fear into th’ hearts of’ any sailor, an’ they would curse it as they sunk t’ their watery grave. Me sloop was not spared, as his triple cannons blew it t’ bits as I tried to hide in the coves of Tortola. As the years passed, Jones grew tired of piracy and accepted the King’s Pardon under the regional governor of British Jamaica. Nonetheless, even being an arm of the Crown did nothing to quell his fury, as Jones relentlessly hunted illegal pirates under the Union Jack. The Cap’n be a cursed scallywag though, as the souls of his victims swore vengeance. Chasin’ scoundrels near the Mexican coast, Jones got caught in a massive hurricane and disappeared. Legend goes, Jones’ ship was boarded by a skeleton reg’ment led by Death itself, and the two gambled with dice over the lives of the crew. In the end, Death claimed the deckhands an’ hexed the Cap’n for all eternity. Left to wander the Florida coastline searchin’ for his  buried treasure and tellin’ his tale to all he encounters as the cursed, undead pirate; Cap’n Ivory Bones...

- Rex

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Keep a sharp eye mate. The Devil be awaitin’for just one slip up… an’he be draggin’ yer sorry keester to’ the rotten stink of Davy Jones Locker!...

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Aye this’ere fiery lass had me burstin wit’ swoon!

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The listless and diminutive Mayor Dix...

“Mayor Willoughby Dix; a man derided for most of his life, waged a fruitless war against us sailors, drunks and rabble-rousers inhabiting the town of Saint Martin. Dix, under the thumb of his spiteful wife Frances, was determined to solidify his reputation as a man of importance, obviously to make up for his own ... inadequacies. Using the sympathy generated by his “poor narcoleptic wife”, Dix was able garner public support to condemn us as a public nuisance and sentence us ruffians to th’ jailhouse. At night, Frances, hardly a sick woman mind you, would woo the guards using her intangibles, an’ usin’ a spare key hidden in her garter, free the scallywags from behind th’ bars. Thus the celebrations, led by a toast from th’ consort herself, would commence in the raucous taverns and last throughout the night. Poor Willoughby Dix; chastised publicly by her for the town’s vexation, yet unbeknownst to him, this hedonistic woman could easily gamble, drink and carouse with the best o’ the local riffraff, buccaneers and swashbucklers”... 

- Rex 

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And bound her in her bones...

“After that debacle in Port-au-Prince, I found meself in the stifling cypress swamps of the backwoods of the Louisiana territory. A couple local scoundrels known as the Dreadnoks, informed me of a robbery they’d been plannin’. A shack perched on a treetop at the mouth of the river; stuffed with trinkets an’ bauble, but perhaps still, jewelry and swag, lies there for the takin’. Inhabited they said, by a wretched old sea hag. Being skint broke and an’ a bit desperate, I joined forces with Torch and Monkeywrench on the pilferage. Found that treasure trove we did, and took all what our greedy pockets could fill. That old crone turned out to be a witch though, an’ set forth a terrible curse upon their greedy black souls after goin back for a second run. I be able to escape wit me life an me pockets empty after refusin’ to return. Why ye ask? Mark me words, me skin be crawlin’ as me eyes seen those three voodoo dolls on the mantle eerily similar to the three of us...” 

- Rex

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The unfortunate fate of Chiang Foo

”After the siege in Sao Feng’s hideaway when this golumbus was nearly killed by the redcoats, I found Chiang Foo wrestling black bears in the darkened pits of the Singapore streets. Indeed, the Cap’n be wisely figurin’ a man of his girth would be ideal to watch me back on me unscrupulous business dealings, so I be hirin’ him as me stout henchman. Months later, with the strength of ten sailors, me crew be pressgangin’ him into service aboard the ship an’ set sail. After one particularly devastatin’ battle against ruthless Chinese pirates, the brig was so riddled with holes, we be needin’ to lighten the load to avoid sinkin’ to the bottom of the ocean. The crew reluctantly but unanimously voted to make Foo the gov’nor of a god forsakin’ spit o’land in the middle of th’ Pacific. Last I be hearin’, he be the King of the Pelagostos; awaitin’ his fate as the cannibals salivate over the upcoming Great Feast... Ne’er quite sat well wit’ the crew what we did to poor Chiang Foo.” 

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Cap’n Fokke, a mermaid and the devil...

Old Bernie, they claimed, must’ve made a pact wit the devil ‘emself! He be known for his legendary speeds sailin’ the Atlantic, shattering records held by the Spanish Armada. Being a lowly swab at th’ time, I had no say in his ill-fated deal to sail through the treacherous and cursed sea rounding the Cape of Good Hope. But the Captain swore an oath and refused to let the devil get th’ best of ‘em. Turns out, the ensuing maelstrom swallowed th’ ship, sending it straight to the rotten stink of Davy Jones Locker. Even th’ sailors that did survive were torn apart in the feverish shark infested water. The lone survivor I be, lucky to stay afloat on the bosom of the ship's figurehead prow.

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Pirates flags

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Hoist the Colors!

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Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)

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It calls to us...

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“The tomfoolery of Uncle Jack Teague

Or Uncle Jackie, as I be affectionately callin’ im. Took me under his wing, when I was but a troublesome lad caught up in th’ rum running scams of the West Indies. He was a truly fun-loving swashbuckler who always had a one-liner or sea shanty to lift yer spirits no matter how miserable a welp ye be. I recall that day on Barbados, when Blackbeard himself was about to scuttle me schooner The Helena. Uncle Jackie arrived in th’ nick of time and had ole Blackbeard and his wretched crew in stitches with his gags and antics. As we all shared the rum around the fire that sunset, mine eyes must’ve been deceiving me; there was the ruthless and heartless Edward Teach doing the Irish gig to me Uncle’s croonin’ of Maggie Mae! God bless ‘im…”

- Rex

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Perfect fer tantalizing yer eardrums as you keep scrollin downward matey, but keep a watchful eye. Tharr be pirates hidin’ in these coves

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“A Day aboard the Flying Dutchman...

As reigning champion of Perudo on Ile Saint-Marie, I was ungraciously invited upon the legendary Flying Dutchman to compete with its vile and acrimonious deckhands; who apparently have nothing better to do than fret away their years of servitude playing Liars Dice. Now, tis’ a completely different story to bet on your life, as opposed to trinkets, coins and bottles of grog. Although the stench was nigh unbearable, I be able t’ hold me own against Clanker, but the ill-tempered Maccus kept peering over me shoulder wit those pryin’ eyes on his head... or cephalofoil ...fins... or what have you. Maccus took offense to me accusations of cheating and thus, I quickly learned never to raise a pistol upon the Neptunian undead. In the end, I wisely relinquished the title and sailed away with me measely black guts still intact.”

- Rex

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The Cap’n lookin’ a tad trolley-eyed havin’ a gambol with this bonny lass

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Ammand  the Corsair    Lord of the Black Sea

“This oxhouser, Ammand… Ammo, tis’ what I called’ im. Locked and loaded this one. A strong attraction for the perverse. Keeper of one of the Pieces of Eight: a small pewter brandy goblet he received from two outcast sisters from the Spanish Convent. Wicked harlots, hot as winks they were. Not that he could handle both, he could barely contain one strumpet, mind you. Show’s up at me doorstep with the pair, too-doo tada, far from amorous congress. And lets just say he was lucky to come away with at least one testicle still attached. All the hashish in the world wouldn't help this poor lothario forget...”

- Rex