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@captainmegabutt
This is perhaps my new favorite video
I would like to state for the record i’ve ignored this post the last 50 times i’ve seen it bc i thought it would be some hyper cutsie anime girl voice and i’m overjoyed to report it is instead Weapons Grade Miku complete with war horns that fuck
Can you tell me how to get How to get to Sesame Street?
Grab your friends, and head to very distant lands.
Grab your Backpack, Grab your socks, too.
Travel across the land, searching far and wide.
Cruise on down Main Street, relaxed and feeling good.
Turn onto Conjunction Junction after you pass the Electric Company.
Avoid Duckburg, as it’s a duck-blur of race cars, lasers and aeroplanes. Mr. Rogers Neighborhood is far safer, as is the town of Bedrock.
Honestly- You can go anywhere, just take a look. It’s in a book. But don’t take my word for it.
Now you know the way, and knowing is half the travel.
If you see this on your dash, it’s too late
((Reblog or Halloween won’t be celebrated. If you reblog this in 50 seconds, you’ll have the best Halloween and be blessed by the spoopy skeleton gods.))
((This skeleton will also break all chain mail or reblog or die posts and you’ll live a happy life.))
The only power ranking we need for Touhou, which would represent the things that actually matter, is based on How Much Trouble They Have Caused For Reimu Specifically.
3rd place is Yukari, but surprisingly enough, mostly off a constant flow of second-hand trouble, being the one indirectly to blame for most things.
2nd place is Marisa, mostly off-screen.
1st place is Reimu.
Haters will see you put on a condom and say he can’t afford to raise a child
Why would you have sex with your haters randy
I’m not really in any position to be picky
IT’S MARCH
Uh… It’s still May…
It’s august
if i met a genie and fixed the world and all its ills with my first two wishes, my third wish would be that sabrina carpenter would get gradually taller. she'd be in on it and think it was hilarious. we'd have a strong cap at 7 feet here, maybe an inch a week so people have time to theorize--let's not be ridiculous. but she'd still keep up the "ooh! im so little and small!" schtick. but shed be gradually getting taller. she'd be like 6'1" and still jumping for the microphone. and she'd never say anything about it. and if anyone asked shed act like she had no idea what they were talking about. and shed cheekily play into it a little bit but mostly still keep up the "ooh im so little and small" schtick. do you see my vision. do you get it
ok and so if i met a genie and fixed the world and all its ills in one wish i would do the sabrina carpenter thing second and third i would wish for all evidence of one random taylor swift song to disappear from the world once every month or so. taylor would have no memory of it. her fans would remember it and there would be an outcry over where it went (it's not even in concert videos anymore!) but taylor would have no memory of it
instead, all her brainspace spent on that song would be replaced with the vivid memories of roman gladiator, taylaurius velox. she's able to hide this at first, but her music begins to take on a gradually romaner and romaner tint. at first, people are like "damn, she's getting REALLY conservative, huh" and other people are like "wow, she's so deep, she knows what a rubicon is" but eventually travis kelce leaves her out of nowhere (he wasn't sure if dating someone possessed by a roman gladiator made him gay or not and anyway he was getting sick of being like "we're going to play the lions" and taylor being like "LIONS? WHERE?") and taylor publishes an entire brutus themed album about this betrayal and it's beginning to weird people out
and so eventually travis kelce is getting like, bomb threats sent to his family for leaving taylor and eventually he's like "okay, okay, i left her because she kept having all these vivid nightmares of gladatorial combat and she kept saying that football was giving her the ick because we never actually killed anybody for the glory of rome" and then he just gets more bomb threats because he left a struggling woman during a mental health crisis
and eventually taylor is writing music about her forbidden roman senator lover and her fanbase is either whittled WAY down or WAY up because people want to watch this trainwreck happen (or maybe she influences culture so hard that we're just all really into rome now) but she's being super cagey about the name of this roman senator. until. and now here's the twist:
weird al has been getting all of the same vivid memories of taylaurius velox. and he still has all his memories of her old songs. so he's writing all these detailed song parodies of taylor swift songs that don't exist anymore including specific details about their shared gladiatorial reality that taylor has never shared with anybody else. including that her lover's name was publius, and she's been calling him Poob for short
at this point a lot of original swifties are leaving. they could do the brutus stuff, but they really can't survive poob. taylor makes a clapping back at the haters song including the lyric "these bitches don't know publius" and it ends up all over all sorts of merch. there's a renewed archaeological interest in roman gladatorial combat
most importantly, the internet discourse is the best it's ever been. does this make taylor swift transmasc? is travis kelce problematic for leaving his fiancee while she gradually morphs into a roman gladiator? is this good queer representation? if taylaurius velox was a gay man, does that mean the gaylors were technically correct? is weird al morally wrong for capitalizing off of her music if she cant remember it anymore? was weird al sent by god to torment taylor swift?
anyway thats what id do if i met a genie
reblog if you're a sick individual who's attracted to women over 30
Can I get some facts about the origin of different pasta shapes?
I will never post any facts regarding pasta, especially not the following origins of each shape:
Angel Hair: Originally cut from the Archangel Capelliniel, modern angel hair pasta has no such ludicrous origins and is simply cut from angels of lesser choirs.
Cavatappi: Originally used to open wine bottles, this "corkscrew" shaped pasta was eventually adapted into metal versions for us to eat. It is also a favorite among ducks for some reason.
Elbow Macaroni: A complete misnomer, this pasta is actually the knee-joint of the domesticated macaroni possum.
Farfalle: Shaped like a bowtie, no human being is capable of tying this noodle either.
Fettacini Fettuchiini fetucini fettucceni- Wide Spaghetti is a super long noodle responsible for the invention of noodle scissors by me because every time I wind it around my fork it just falls off again.
Fusilli: This crazy bastard is named after Archimedes Fusili, inventor of the Archimedes Screw. Not to be confused with the water moving device invented by Archimedes of Syracuse in Sicily, Fusili was invented by Archimedes of Syracuse, NY and his "Archimedes Screw" involves some really kinky sex. The noodle was named after his favorite pasta to eat on porn movie sets, Rotini.
Shell Pasta: The shell of the common pasta mollusc is often eaten as pasta itself. Shell Pasta with the snail intact is called "Escargasta," and smaller less visible specimens are known as "Escargasta La Vista Babies."
Lasagna: A favorite of both President Garfield and the cat he was named after, Lasagna was invented when Chef Gustibus E. Disputandum was crushed under his own pasta press. The resulting flat pasta and chunky meat sauce became popular immediately after.
Orecchiette: Coming from the words for "Little Ears," these are the inner ear bones of giants that were hunted nearly to extinction. As such, only a few orecchiette remain, and are considered a delicacy much like other bones of endangered intelligent humanoids, such as Bigfoot and Mediumhand.
Penne Rigate: Latin for "Rigid Penis," this pasta looks and tastes nothing like an actual rigid penis. If your penis or the penis of someone you know resembles one in flavor or appearance, please consult a doctor immediately as it may be a sign of Pastapism.
Tortellini: This inexplicable knot of pasta is based on the Gordian Knot of mythology and my shoelaces, and is a popular style for calamari, or "Squidward Tortellini."
Ziti: The standard unembellished pasta, Ziti was originally invented as drinking straw to avoid plastic waste. And it probably works better than the paper ones even for hot drinks because that paper shit is the stupidest fucking this to force on people while Amazon dumps 500 trillion tons of plastic into the ocean hourly. It is best served baked with cheese.
The Nuclear Weapons of King Henry II
Recent studies of an ancient manuscript suggest that King Henry II may have used alchemy to develop working nuclear weapons.
King Henry II reigned in England from 1154 to 1189, with a break in 1171 when Henry III gave the nation a monarchic "test drive" which resulted in wars with every other country in Europe, two burnings of London in unrelated incidents, and the city of Bumshambleshire changing its name to "York."
Henry II was himself constantly bickering with Louis VII owing to his firing and beheading of the latter's friend and Archbishop of Canterbury, Samuel Beckett, who had longed for a return to France but instead was trapped jumping from church to church across England, hoping each time that his next leap would be the leap home.
Louis VII had invested nearly eight bâtons (adjusted for inflation, 70 trillion dollars) in military weaponry to fight Henry II, resulting in an arms race of sorts in which France developed such weapons as the trebuchet, the couillard, and the chose qui jette des trucs.
Henry grew afraid and put more and more into development of conventional weaponry, but feared it would not be enough. So he invested in alchemy, and set the infamous scientist Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus von Oxford to work.
Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus von Oxford, or "Phil" as he was known to the king, quickly developed something he called "The Glowing Heavy Orb." The orb was made of pure uranium, which in those days could only be mined from the northern Scottish penal colony mines of Rura Penthe.
Having bought up all the uranium across the isles, Phil smelted the metal into a single orb, which glowed with what we now know to be radiation, but was in his time believed to be a supernatural aura. Phil theorized that if the orb were to be split and recombined suddenly, it would invoke the fury of God. Modern science calls this the "modulated neutron initiator principle" but Phil called it "Ye Orbe Go Boome Principlee," as was the fashion at the time.
Henry II was initially concerned that it might be blasphemous, but was assured by Phil in the Proclamation of Lordly Bounty In The Matter Of Weaponry which read simply "No it's not."
Fortunately for France, Henry II finally met in person with Louis VII at the Second International Orgy Of Rheims and settled their differences in a drunken make-out session instead of battle. Upon his return to England, Henry ordered the weapon dismantled, with its components to be sent to the three corners of the Earth, which was at the time believed to be triangular in shape.
Henry II remained on good terms with Louis VII until his death in 1189, leaving a loving inscription to him on his tombstone reading "II+VII=LXIX." Phil, after his frustrations in alchemy, moved to Spain and changed his name to Felipe and invented the sport of “Soccer,” known as “Football” in the United States. Around the time of his departure, the orb went missing before it could be broken apart.
The original rules of Soccer included a previously unheard of condition in which the ball could not be handled directly, but had to be kicked away quickly. In early games, this was enforced by the fact the ball, which weighed 30 pounds, tended to burn the hands of all who held onto it. Additionally, though little remains of the original alchemical manuscript, one image does remain- That of the orb itself:
side note, teaching myself to pronounce that last one felt like learning a new fucking language
hey so uh next year will be a decade of dobonhonkeros. how about that shit huh.
Happy ten year anniversary of this post.
Texas Grants "Personhood" Rights To Certain Tumors, Parasites And Cancers
FIJMU News 7-28-26 by Terry Tomah
The Texas state senate has made history today with new restrictions, intended to prevent abortions, that require a mother to support any life growing within her. In a rebuke to all known medical ethics and common sense, which have always stated that a human being cannot be forced to maintain the life of another (including a fetus) the new Texas law will force women to care for and preserve the life of their tumors, tapeworms, and any potentially fatal carcinogenic growths.
According to State Senator Ted Z. Cruz Jr., "Naturally this applies only to women. As the crucibles of the next generation of potentially white babies, women must be subject to state scrutiny to ensure that no living human cells, however toxic or parasitic, can be in their hands to cease. This is not just my belief, but the word of God as given through his son, George Washington."
Though the law is blatantly illegal and will kill millions, the only hope against it comes from a lawsuit by the ACLU, which will take five years to be considered, ten to be denied and appealed, and will then only result in a $300 fine for Cruz whose net worth today is $70 billion, rather than any actual repeal of the law. Because that's how this country works now.
Protests are also already underway, and are being ignored with 99.89% efficiency by media and politicians alike. To be clear, this is all satire and I'm saying so in the article this time because y'all believed the "Texas Executes Baby" post:
the killer
Sometimes I remember weird things from my childhood that seemed totally normal at the time but now I’m like “wait, no, that was not even a little normal.”
In other news, my family once dressed me up as a dead Victorian child to scare hotel guests.
Was trying to make a joke about TV writing to my friend the other day and had to pause and go "...does the phrase 'surf dracula' mean anything to you?"
One of the most important critical texts of this century imo
image description: tweet by @/topherflorence, reading: back in the day if u did a tv show called surf dracula you'd see that fool surfing every week in new adventures but in the streaming era the entire 1st season gotta be a long ass flashback to how he got the surfboard until you finally get to see him surf for 5 min in the finale /end description
