#larry was real @captainoftheusslarry - Tumblr Blog

what's crazy to me is that not only is liam dead, but ot5 is now dead. rumours of a reunion tour are now dead. not that it was ever going to be like it was.... but now the dream really is over. and the finality is a real mindfuck. what a dream it was. i never wanted to outlive that dream.

1d was my only real fandom experience. i remember being in high school and feeling like i had no identity because everyone else seemed to latch onto a band or a sports team or whatever and posted it all over their AIM profiles, etc. and i just didn't have any passion like that. i loved music and made music but it was a very dispersed kind of attention. it wasn't until i was 21 that harry put a spell on me and drew me into that collective madness. and i really did find a piece of myself in that world. and it really did change the course of my life.

#and part of that madness was making fun of liam constantly...but i really never wanted it to end like this

captainoftheusslarry

me, bursting through your bedroom wall in a shower of dust: bUT that hug before they go onstage is what we've always wanted from One Direction, and that's what makes them unsustainable as a phenomenon. What we always wanted from them was what they did not give to us intentionally

you: wh

me, briskly removing my shoes and shaking fragments of rubble out of them: One Direction is perhaps the first band to exist entirely within the Panopticon, from the very beginning, and yet even that was not enough for us. Can you imagine how difficult it would become to hold onto a "self" when what people want most from you are the moments of your life that specifically are NOT FOR THEM? It wasn't just what they DID, we wanted to know what they FELT, constantly. We demanded to know but we did not want to be TOLD. The knowledge could only be "authentic" if it was not meant for us

you: why are you in my house

me, climbing into your bed and pulling your blankets up to my chin: The endless "documentaries," the social media -- we had an unprecedented, and unprecedentedly intimate, degree of access to these people, and still what we valued most were secrets and accidents. What we wanted was their interiority, and when we could not have that we invented it. Wouldn't you resent having to constantly be GRATEFUL for that grasping, rapacious love? I would

you: are you crying?

me: We wanted to love them by devouring them, and now we have nothing to eat but our own hearts. can you bring me a hot water bottle

#RIP liam :(