“Thanks for being here, Howie.” Tommy grunts. The painkillers are helping but he still gets pangs. “You didn’t have to be.”
“You saved my life Tommy, it was my turn to save yours.”
“Dammit.” Tommy laughs and it splits his sides. “I thought we were going to be even.”
“Not a chance.” Howie says gently. “If you need anything, Maddie and I are here for you.”
“Even though…?” I broke his heart?
“Yeah,” Howie replies. “Even though. You were part of the 118 once upon a time and the 118 doesn’t turn its back on its own. Although,” Howie chuckles, “you might want to get your speech together because he’s out there and he looks like death worrying about you.”
Tommy wants to reply but the pain pills take him. When he wakes again it’s Diaz, of all people, sitting at his bedside reading Sports Illustrated. Tommy really doesn’t want to talk to him. Like at all. He tries to pretend to stay asleep but Diaz has always been perceptive.
“Welcome back to the land of the living, asshole.” Great start. “You wanna tell me why you were mumbling Buck’s name in your sleep?”
“Was I?”
“No. But the fact you think you could be tells me I should say this: you broke him, Tom. He hasn’t been the same since you left and at first I thought it was Bobby but it’s not just that. He thought he found it with you.”
He doesn’t have to ask what It was.
“And you took that from him. I got so pissed off I almost drove to your house that night but instead I blocked your number.”
“I know.” Tommy groans. “I tried to call to explain myself the next morning and I couldn’t.”
“What were you going to explain, huh?” Diaz is toeing the line of anger but not crossing over. “That the whole time you thought Buck was going to leave you for me? You’re such an idiot,” Diaz takes a deep breath, pulling himself from the edge again. “You made up a losing scenario to prevent yourself from being hurt, but all you did was hurt yourself and worse, you hurt him.” Diaz sighs, something sad and heavy. “And it took me a long time to forgive you for that, because I love him.” There it is. The inevitable. He’s finally free to die knowing they figured it out. “Not like that, idiot. Like a brother. And you broke his fucking heart because you thought he was going to leave the best thing that ever happened to you for me! I’m a fucking trainwreck Tommy! I cheated on my girlfriend with a clone of my dead wife and scarred my son for life. What do I have to offer that you don’t?”
“He…” seven years of friendship for one, but that’s not the reason he left. “he loves you.”
“It’s the 118, we all love each other,” Diaz snaps. “He’s in love with you.”
Tommy doesn’t know what to say to that. He just lays in silence and pretends to sleep and Eddie pretends to read.
He doesn’t know when he fell asleep again. A recovering body needs a lot of rest, and he’ll take rest over what he wakes to. Maddie Buckley. Sitting in a chair next to him.
“Oh God.” He says. He thinks they both feel it.
“I’m not going to act like I’m not mad at you. You scared him so bad I thought he would drop dead, again”
“Maddie.” He doesn’t know what to say. The morphine must be tying his tongue.
“I thought he would get over you.” She admits. She doesn’t sound furious, actually. “But it’s been a year and no one has been you. I’ve set him up with every single girl in my book club and every gay guy I know and every time they get compared to… well, you.” She stops looking at him. Focuses on something in the corner of the room that Tommy can’t see “He felt something with you he hasn’t in years and you left him adrift.” Her eyes well up. “I told him he’d find it again, like he did after Ab—sorry.” She smiles sadly like she realizes she just cut to the heart of him. “Josh keeps telling me I need to be more understanding of your situation, but I don’t get it. I don’t think I’ll ever get it. So I’ll say this: he loves you.” She swallows thickly. “And he almost lost you. Fix it.”
“Am I a coward?” He asks Hen, when it’s her turn.
“Yes and no.” She says. “You were scared, and you ran, and you had your reasons.” She reaches for his hand. She’s the first non-medical person to touch him since his back rotor went out. “But, your reasons were stupid. I mean, ‘you’ll fall in love with your best friend?’ You watch too many romcoms, Kinard.” Hen hits him with a withering glare. “If that’s the only reason you can come up with—that Buck is going to leave you for Eddie—then you’re not protecting yourself, you’re denying yourself.”
“When I first came out.” He wouldn’t tell anyone else this, not even Evan, “I thought it was the One but I was just so swept up in finally being free, being me for the very first time, that when it went South, I promised myself I would be more cynical.”
“Well you kept that promise,” she scoffs, “but just because that’s what you felt doesn’t mean that’s what Buck was feeling, you could have just asked him.”
“Asked him what? If he could tell the difference between liking me and liking Having a Boyfriend? You should know that it’s hard the first time.”
“Maybe, but what Buck felt wasn’t the first time, he’s been in love before, Tommy.”
“And I broke her heart too.”
“That isn’t your fault.”
“It doesn’t feel that way.”
“You tried to force something that wasn’t there and you ended up hurting the both of you,” Hen sighs, “but I don’t think you did it out of malice. You were trying to protect yourself.”
“And I hurt a good woman.”
“And you’re in danger of doing it again with Buck, but this time there’s something you can do.”
Tommy stares at her, pleading for her not to say it.
“Talk to him.”
“I wouldn’t know where to begin.”
“You have nearly an hour to figure it out.” She checks her watch “45 minutes.”
Tommy is wide awake when it’s Evan’s turn to watch over him. He’s not even sure why they’re still holding vigils if he’s been awake most of the day, but he suspects they have their own reasons.
“Hi Tommy.” He says, his eyes look tired, his shoulders are slumped, his fists are fidgeting, and his gait is shuffled. He’s a wreck. They both are.
“I’m sorry.” They say in unison. Tommy laughs.
“You go first.” They say in unison.
“Um. Okay.” Evan starts, “I’m sorry I didn’t call you earlier, I’m sorry I never checked in after the funeral, and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like a placeholder or an experiment.” He says it all lightning quick.
“I’m sorry I ran. I’m sorry I accused you of loving the idea of me more than you liked me. But most of all I’m sorry I stayed away.”
“I’m sorry for that too.”
It’s a sweet moment, he thinks, closure. “You know, it’s nice that all of you showed up for me. You didn’t have to do that.”
“It’s what we do. Show up for each other.”
“Yeah. It was nice to be a part of that family for a while.”
“You still can be.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying what are you doing Saturday?”
