A Eulogy and Obituary for Dagny Ayn
September 13, 1978 -- February 2023.
I am devastated beyond words to share that the wonderful Dagny Ayn (who you may know as daynz or meta_castiel on twitter) is no longer with us. Her sudden passing is a shock and the urge to speculate on details is understandable, but I hope we can focus on her light instead, because Dagny doesn't deserve to have her life defined by how it ended.
Dagny did not receive the recognition of her life and memorialization of her existence that she deserved out in the real world, so I thought to give it to her here, as well as create a place for those of us who loved her to come together and grieve, to share about her memory as we should.
Dagny was here. Please read and celebrate her life with me.
To do it online seems right. I truly believe Dagny would approve. The online Supernatural fandom (and especially the Destiel-friendly spaces), served as her community, her chosen family. Like so many of us, fandom was her life vest, her social circle, her escape from the harshness of the non-virtual world, and the source of most joy in her life. To anyone who knew her, it was no secret as to how much Dagny loved this little corner of the internet.
On a personal note, Dagny was one of the first people I connected with after joining the fandom, and we immediately bonded over our mutual love for Buffy and Supernatural. Especially Willow/Tara, Misha Collins, Castiel, and Destiel. We shared many similar life struggles, from past trauma and complex parental relationships to mental health and disability challenges to a lack of IRL support and chronic loneliness.
The friend group I shared with her and @coinofstone was one of the safest places I have ever known. Talking to Dagny never failed to leave me feeling heard and understood. I hope I was able to do the same for her.
Dagny was strong. Despite the many obstacles life constantly hurled in her direction, she was always looking forward and moving towards the future. She saw the best in people, even those who failed her, those who didn't deserve her grace and forgiveness. She loved her mother more than anything in the world, and Chelsea, her cat, a very close second.
(she would definitely want me to show you Chelsea!)
When Dagny's mother and main support system passed unexpectedly in recent years, Dagny was handed a new armful of struggles and asked to face an uncertain future without the person she loved most and with barely enough resources to survive. She was uprooted from her home and moved clear across the country, losing so much in the process and dropped in a precarious situation. Despite all of that, she had big goals for herself. She was working hard to build the life she wanted despite a major lack of family & IRL support as well as her own demons.
Dagny was amazing at appreciating the simplest things. A free coffee at Tim's, some stickers in the mail, or a small windfall that allowed her to purchase a meal kit from the grocery store would brighten her entire week and she would gush about how happy she was for days. When she first moved cities after losing her mom, she talked about how thrilled she felt to have big windows and a view of the city, as she'd lived in a basement walkout for years. Her enthusiasm for those things, even in the face of great struggle, was always humbling and contagious.
As for fandom, Dagny especially loved Misha, Castiel, and Destiel, and did so fiercely. She read tens of thousands of words of fanfic every day, frequently messaging me from the bus to complain about rowdy passengers "interrupting her gay porn". One time, she lost her phone and worried to me (from her laptop) about losing her entire collection of fanart, 100+ AO3 tabs, and the SPN-related photos she had saved, unconcerned about the actual phone and her ability to contact IRLs.
With what little extra money Dagny had (and how infrequently she could be convinced to treat herself), she enjoyed collecting fandom merch, especially items made by her favorite fan artists. She ALWAYS had a Destiel case from redbubble on her phone! Her Ace pin from Stands was a treasured item.
Dagny greatly admired Misha's missions and charity work very much, following GISH closely and always striving to share and his boost campaigns and those of other cast members. She would often express that she wished she could do or donate more, even while she struggled to provide bare essentials for herself. Dagny was selfless like that.
As full as her phone was with saved memes, cast photos, Castiel/Destiel art, and fanfic links, it was equally brimming with people who loved Dagny herself. She often expressed how happy and connected seeing notifications on her social posts made her feel, how loved she felt by her friends and fellow shippers.
Discovering the Ace spectrum through fandom empowered Dagny to feel confident in expressing her identity, allowing her to name and define a feeling and concept she could never quantify before. She felt very strongly about wearing her Ace pride on her sleeve. We spoke many times about the power of fandom and online community to turn shame and confusion into confidence and love, and Dagny truly embraced that concept. She was a wonderful role model for embracing your true self.
Dagny had many hopes for a bright future. She was trying to find a job and gain more financial independence, and she had a whole plan to do so. She was smart and motivated. She was also haunted and wrestled constantly with demons that just wouldn't let her go.
We talked frequently about finally meeting at an SPN convention, once she was able. One of Dagny's dreams was to have a photo op with Misha as Castiel, and we spent many nights planning excitedly for a theoretical day that we hoped would come. Since then, she fell in love with Heartstopper and dipped into other fandoms and was living her best online life. Dagny had so much room in her heart.
So many things, not the least of which were time and borders, kept us from ever meeting in person, but our friendship was no less real for those barriers.
To Dagny: family doesn't end in blood. Jen and I both love you and choose you back. We know you were here. You made an impact and we'll never forget you. This wasn't supposed to be the end of the road, but you taught me that sometimes life has other plans and there's nothing to do but roll with them.
Until we meet again, my friend. thank you for being you.
If you would like to do something to honor Dagny, her life, and her passions, she would want you to donate to The Castiel Project. It's particularly fitting, as besides being a beloved project to her, Dagny also deserved a happy ending that just wasn't in the cards.
Please feel free to leave your memories and/or love for Dagny here.
