bruised, battered @cat-v - Tumblr Blog

Folks with CPTSD can often exhibit the outwardly signs recognized with PTSD such as anxiety and avoidance behaviors, but they have literally developed their identities within the containers of trauma and neglect, unable to make external changes to their environments to bring relief. Because there was an inability to create external changes to protect or remove onesself, the person learns to make deep internal changes, often absorbing as fundamental truths the insidious lies of the traumas in order to survive. Because of this, relationships can be some of the most challenging and in fact terrifying things to navigate as they are the actual battle ground where the original traumas occurred. Imagine if all the ways you learned to understand yourself, what you can expect from others and your role in the world was shaped through neglect, gas lighting, manipulation, shame, physical, sexual and psychological boundary violations and isolation. At the core of CPTSD is the very real struggle for trust, especially trusting yourself. The primary relationship that is most damaged in ongoing developmental trauma is the relationship we have with ourselves AND it is the one we have to fight the hardest to get back.

CPTSD, Allostatic Load and Giving No Fucks (via optais-amme)

cruzfucker

i hate when the teacher’s like “write about a bad time in your life” like i ain’t tryna get a social worker up my ass, thanks tho fam

skary-child

This ain’t no joke I had to write a essay about what your scared of so I did it (I was scared of growing up and where my life was going) it was great got a 100 but then I got sent to councilors office and was sent to therapy cause they thought I was suicidal and on the verge of breaking…Apparently they ment like spiders or some shit…

xzienne

Also like, not everyone finds that at all useful or cathartic.

“Write about some difficulty you’ve experienced personally.” “Aight fam let me just break down into tears and skip the rest of my classes.”

chronicreality

Yes! I had a psych professor ask us to discuss outloud the hardest thing that ever happened to us literally two days ago and I said “you realize the position you’re putting us in? I feel obligated to lie to not only save my peers the awkwardness but also because I will find no relief in answering honestly but rather anxiety. The hardest thing in my life is having people repeatedly tell me I should find some sort of catharsis in reliving my trauma so someone else can feel pity for me!”

The whole class backed me up because they didn’t want to either! Those kind of exercises are only helpful for people who don’t have any real past/current issues– which is no one btw.

inqorporeal

On par with this are those fucking self-assessments where they want to to be optimistic and positive about the future. You’re sitting there drowning in college stress and anxiety so bad you can’t look another human in the eye, fighting depression so that you can eventually achieve a piece of paper that might get you a better job if the economy doesn’t tank itself (guess what, it did), and the most optimistic thing you can think of is that the class ends in 20 minutes.

lierdumoa

#why do they do this though ~ @inqorporeal

OH! I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS!

There’s a WIRED article that explains the history behind this practice.

Basically, this guy named Jeffrey Mitchell had a traumatic experience, then after months of PTSD, he told a confidant about the event that traumatized him. Retelling the event to a confidant was so cathartic for Mitchell that his PTSD went away after. He did a bunch of research to see if his personal experience of catharsis and relief could be replicated in other people suffering from PTSD. Years later he published a paper proposing a formalized psychiatric treatment revolving around this idea that expressing a traumatic experience helps relieve it. The paper was so influential that the whole psychiatric community adopted “critical incident stress debriefing” (CISD) as a standard treatment for PTSD.

Unfortunately … it’s bullshit.

Not only does the CISD treatment program Mitchell came up with not help the majority of patients who try it, but it actually makes PTSD worse in the majority of patients who try it.

The WIRED article explains why:

CISD misapprehends how memory works…. Once a memory is formed, we assume that it will stay the same. This, in fact, is why we trust our recollections. They feel like indelible portraits of the past.

None of this is true. In the past decade, scientists have come to realize that our memories are not inert packets of data and they don’t remain constant.

…the very act of remembering changes the memory itself. New research is showing that every time we recall an event, the structure of that memory in the brain is altered in light of the present moment, warped by our current feelings and knowledge.

Basically, Mitchell waited until he had some emotional distance before trying to recall the memory, and he had full control of the situation. It was fully his decision. Nobody was pressuring him to talk about it. So he felt safe. Thinking about the memory from a place of safety allowed his brain to re-contextualize the memory as harmless.

Conversely, pressuring a patient to recall a traumatic memory, particularly when it’s still fresh in their minds, makes the patient feel very unsafe. Recalling a bad memory in this unsafe context only serves to re-traumatize the patient.

[link to the whole article]

furiousgoldfish

things abuse survivors think/say

maybe my trauma wasn’t bad enough

maybe what happened was just my fault??

but what if I can’t hold that person accountable? what if they meant well

what if I don’t have the right to be angry?

but what if they didn’t know they were hurting me? maybe its my fault for not saying it

it’s my fault, i’ve always been hiding how badly things hurt me

i’m just weak and pathetic and everything hurts me it’s not their fault i’m like this

hey this this thing actually happen or did i make that up

if i ask abuser they’ll tell me i made it up that must be true they do say i’m delusional

maybe if I’ve done something differently this wouldn’t have happened

guilt guilt guilt guilt

what if abuser is right tho? what if they’re telling the truth and it’s okay to tell it in insults then?

i’m garbage, i knew it

yeah everyone deserves compassion and comfort but me? no.

I am the sole person who is just bad enough to deserve everything that has happened to me

no this person didn’t mean to hurt my feelings i’m just too sensitive!!!

maybe someone else wouldn’t be hurt by this, this means its my fault

i hate myself

how long until everyone realizes i’m just a fake and there’s nothing valuable inside of me

yeah they like me now but i’m going to fuck it up and they’ll hate me like everyone else

was that abuse? no it can’t be. its my fault. if I wasn’t the way I am it wouldn’t have happened

everything people do to me is just what I deserved

what this person is doing bothers me so I have to try harder not to be bothered by it

this person is wrong but everyone believes them so it must be okay

yeah they hate me but i don’t want them to leave me maybe i can get them to hate me less

yeah this person is hurting me but i still need them in my life maybe if i change myself

it doesn’t matter if they hurt me, i’m used to it

what if everyone abandons me and I die alone

this person scares me but I can’t let that affect me

I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I need to get over my feelings

I can’t let anyone notice how I feel or they will hate me

how does everyone just stay calm? why can’t I do that

I’m a burden on everyone, I bet they’d all be happier if I wasn’t there

if I disappeared right now wouldn’t everything be better?

*these are not truths, this is after-effect of long term abuse

amarakaran

yekkes

Something I’ve noticed over the years: symptoms of trauma will be mocked and trivialized as angst, especially if you’re a woman, and only a trained eye will pick up on this

yekkes

Further observation: if you let on even in the slightest that the reason for your behavior stems from trauma people will immediately freak out because they can’t handle what they can’t understand, and they don’t want to have to take you seriously because it’s much easier to dismiss you as an angsty girl

yekkes

And one of the worst side effects of this is cringing relentlessly at your own suffering because you’ve learned and internalized that people will only regard it as a joke, anyways

yekkes

Like “triggered” is a cheap joke now. I’m legitimately embarrassed whenever I’m actually triggered by something and it’s not fair I don’t even feel like I can use language literally intended to describe experiences with trauma

thetwistedrope

It is crucial for deeper level recovery that we learn that feelings of fear, shame and guilt are sometimes signs that we have said or done the right thing. They are emotional flashbacks to how we were traumatized for trying to claim normal human privileges.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, Pete walker, pg 78 (via thetwistedrope)

nonbinarypastels

shoutout to adults who were abused as children and are still struggling with the effects of the abuse into their adulthood.

shoutout to those of you in your 20s, 30s, 40s, and older who are still struggling.

shoutout to those of you who are still living with your abusers.

shoutout to those of you who are still financially, physically, emotionally, or otherwise dependent on your abusers.

shoutout to those of you who are still being abused as an adult by the same people who abused you as a child.

shoutout to those of you who hate yourselves for not just “walking away” and “moving on”.

shoutout to those of you who are unable to leave your abuser or the abusive situation for whatever reason.

shoutout to those of you who feel like you’re behind where you should be in life compared to other people your age.

shoutout to those of you who are not where you want to be at in your education or careers.

shoutout to those of you who have missed out on so many of the experiences other people in their teens/early twenties usually have.

shoutout to those of you whose self-esteem and sense of self-worth are at horrible lows because you feel like you should be “over it” by now and you feel like you’re failing and worthless because you’re not.

shoutout to those of you who suffered through abuse that has made having a ‘normal adulthood’ incredibly difficult or outright impossible for you.

shoutout to those of you who desperately want help but lack access to the counseling, resources, and support systems needed to make that happen.

shoutout to those of you who feel like you can’t talk about the abuse you experienced as a child with anyone much less what you’re going through now.

adults who were abused as children and are still struggling with the effects of the abuse into adulthood, no matter how old they are, deserve to be loved and supported. what you are going through and feeling is not your fault. you are not a bad person or a worthless person or a failure because the abuse you went through as a child is still impacting you and your life years later. you deserve happiness, you deserve love, and you deserve to be able to talk about what’s going on and have people listen and understand rather than judge.

as lonely and as alienated and as ashamed as you may feel you are not alone in what you are going through and you deserve better.

thestudentcounsellor

Grounding Techniques useful for trauma survivors

If you have experienced a trauma, you may experience traumatic symptoms. Grounding exercises can be so helpful in getting you back into your window of tolerance! When you’re out of your window you may experience flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation, a numbness, foggy brain etc…

So here are a list of techniques! Please practice! If you can practice them whilst you are feeling ok and are in your window you are much more likely able to use them when you experience a trigger! It’s about trial and error with lots of practice! Wishing you lots of healing hugs and positive thoughts. Stephanie xx

Mental Grounding….

- Pick a category and try to think of as many objects as possible that fit in that category. (Eg. Types of dogs, cities, crayon colours, sports.) - Pick a letter & think of all the words that begin with that letter - Pick a colour & look for things of that colour in the room - Say or think the alphabet backwards or alternate letters & numbers (A1 B2 C3 D4.) - Describe an everyday event or process in great detail, listing all of the steps in order & as thoroughly as possible (e.g. How to cook a meal, how to get from your home to work or school, how to do your favourite dance.)

Reorientation Grounding Techniques…

- Say or think to yourself… ‘My name is…. I am safe right now. I am …. years old. I am currently at …. The date is…. If I need help, I am with …./ can call….. Everything is going to be alright’ - List reaffirming statements. (I am fine. Everything is going to be okay. I am strong. I can handle this.) - Ask yourself… Ask yourself where you are, what day of the week it is, what day of the month it is, what month it is, what year it is, what season it is, how old you are, who is the current political leader of your country.) - Name 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell or taste & 1 thing you like about yourself. - Think about a fun time you had with someone recently or call them and ask them to talk about it with you.

Sensory Grounding Techniques…

- Run cool or warm (not too cold or hot!) water over your hands or take a cool or warm bath/shower. - Spritz your face (with eyes closed), neck, arms & hands with a fine water mist. - Spray yourself with your favourite perfume (One that is not linked in any way to trauma experienced or reminds you of a traumatic experience or person) and focus on the scent. - Feel the weight of your body in your chair or on the floor and the weight of your clothing on your skin. - Touch & hold objects around you. Compare the feel, weight, temperature, textures, colours & materials. - Keep a small object with you to touch or play with when you get triggered. - Bite into a lemon, orange or lime & notice the flavour, scent & texture or suck on a sour or minty candy or ice cube. - Listen to soothing or familiar music. If possible jump around and dance to it. - Pick up a book and read the first paragraph out loud. - Hug a tree or another person (If interpersonal touch isn’t a trigger). Pay attention to your own pressure and physical sensations of doing so. Register the smells of being outside, the wind & the sights around you.

Movement Grounding Techniques…

- Breath deeply & slowly & count your breaths - Grab tightly onto your chair or press your feet against the ground as firmly as you can - Rub your palms and clap your hands or wiggle your toes within your socks. Pay attention to physical sensations of doing so - Stretch out your arms or legs, roll your head on your neck, or clench and unclench your fists. - Stomp your feet, walk around, run, jump, ride a bike, do jumping jacks - While walking, notice each footstep & sat to yourself ‘right’ and ‘left’ to correspond with the foot currently moving - Squeeze a pillow, stuffed animal or ball - If you have a soft pet (dog or cat) brush its fur and stroke it. If you don’t, brush your own hair slowly and without pulling it too much - Write what ever comes to mind even if it’s nonsense. Try not to write about the negative thoughts or feelings until you are more capable of doing so without increasing a them - Pop bubble wrap or blow and pop actual bubbles - Dog in the dirt or garden, jump on a pile of leaves or splash around in puddles or mud - Rip up paper or stomp on aluminium cans to crush them

In case of a flashback…

- Tell yourself that you are having a flashback and are safe now - Remind yourself that the worst is over and you survived it. What you are feeling now is just a reminder of the trauma and does not fit the present moment - Breath deeply and slowly. Count your breaths and make sure that you’re getting enough air - Use the other Grounding Techniques above to distract and calm yourself - If possible or necessary, go somewhere where you can be alone or with a close friend, where you will feel safe, or where you feel protected or shielded - Be gentle to yourself and take the time to really recover. If what helps you to recover is to colour, take a bubble bath, hug a stuffed animal or watch a children’s movie and if it would not be disruptive to do such things at that point in time, embrace those options whole heartedly - If possible note or write down what triggered the flashback, what Techniques you tried to use to disrupt the flashback & what helped - Remember you are a survivor. You are strong, you can make it through this, though it might take some time. Be patient with yourself throughout the process of healing.