Stephanie The Student Counsellor

💜Qualified Counsellor💜 Please feel free to ask questions My background is within actuate & intensive mental health settings. Counselling background in sexual trauma & forensics. Reading at University Bsc Hons in Psychology & Child Development. Most of my experience is within Mental Health, Complex Trauma & recovery from sexual violence . A safe space to explore my informative posts, ask any questions & to follow my adventures with my lovely Pomeranian's! In the event of crisis or you feel you are in danger of harming yourself please call 999 or your local mental health crisis team. Stay safe xx

[learningtolovemyself2]

I was thinking about something on my walk this evening. I think I spend lot of time thinking things like “I wish”, “if only“, “what if“, and wanting and waiting for things to feel and be “perfect”. I realized that things will never be perfect, they might not even be good or okay at times. Sure we might have that “perfect” feeling for a second sometimes when we’re really happy, but our lives are never and will never be all perfect. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot of good, and maybe sometimes we miss out on the good because we think it’s not perfect. Maybe sometimes it’s about trying to embrace the imperfection or even just being okay with it, and appreciating the season of our life we’re in and doing the best we can in that moment. Just some thoughts.

[thestudentcounsellor]

I've been having murderous thoughts for about a year now; I don't think I'd act on them, but I know that they're wrong and want to do something about them. However, I cannot tell my family or therapist as I'm afraid that they'd drag me to an insane asylum or something like that. What should I do?

I have to say, many people suffer with thoughts of murder! I would encourage you to talk to your therapist about it :D at the end of the day thoughts are not illegal, thoughts are not dangerous or bad they’re just thoughts! Thoughts that are shared are thoughts that can be talked about, understood and challenged or diminished if needed or wanted ❤️ honestly!!! Please talk about it 😊 I know it’s scary but so many people suffer with it and I wish more people spoke about it! Many mothers have thoughts of throwing their new born babies down stairs for example or worse... sounds horrible but it’s just a thought it holds no wait it’s meaningless in the reality but in the unconscious there’s something that it trying to be expressed it may be as simple as the mother is tired and the the source is the baby so the mind goes oh it needs to go? Doesn’t mean the mother doesn’t want it typically it’s the total opposite x

[thestudentcounsellor]

can non trauma survivors rb your posts as a resource to share with their followers?

Of course you can! Sharing is caring ❤️

[thestudentcounsellor]

I was hoping to get your help. I am currently in the process of writing a letter to the counsellor at my school. I am doing this because in the past year the number of suicide attempts, self-harm, etc. I wanted to know if there was anything I shouldn't disclose in the letter, to protect both my privacy and others privacy. I understand that the counsellor can only truly help those who they know need help, but if they were to tell parents it might do more harm than good. How should I do this?

Heya sweet, it depends on a few things? I’m also a little confused as to whether you’re writing concerning yourself or other people.

Either way... if the people you’re writing about are legally children then there is usually a legal obligation for guardians or parents to be made aware unless it is not in the best interest eg. Abuse is occurring. If you can pm me and give me a bit more detail I’ll be happy to inform you a bit more x

[thestudentcounsellor]

Did you know you're the Architect of Your Own Brain

Neuroplasticity means that your brain is mouldable and changeable. So if you’ve experienced awful things in your lifetime, you’ve got unhealthy habits picked up from trauma, or you feel miserable because your brain is telling you how useless you are…. it can change. Your brain works the way it does because of experiences you have had. So if as a child your parents were cruel to you, your brain may be cruel to you too! But it can change! That is why I’m a therapist. Because change is possible not only externally but internally. There is always hope x

[thestudentcounsellor]

You know it’s exam season when this is what your phones camera roll looks like 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

[thestudentcounsellor]

I was sexually abused by my brother who was 4 yrs older than me. I was 14 when it stopped, don’t remember when it began, I think around 9. Let’s say that was the case, he was a child himself. I never told anyone only My T who says I didn’t tell anyone cause I was a kid. I feel confused, how can I excuse/forgive my silence because of my age? I feel that age also excuses him

I’m so sorry you had to experience that and that no one was aware enough to see it happening to protect you at the time.

Sibling sexual abuse is something that is not talked about enough and is more common than you would think. The problem is, which you’re expressing, is it happens when the survivor is a child and the amount of confusion, shame and fear that causes makes children stay silent. It causes them to believe they were responsible for saving themselves even when they were just a tiny child.

I don’t believe it’s about excusing or forgiving your silence but understanding that your silence was totally justified due to the amount of fear, confusion and trauma you were experiencing. It’s about understanding that your reaction was and is totally normal. So your T was right in saying you didn’t say anything because you were a child. It will take time for your brain to rejister and change the way you think about this along with the experience of many different emotions whilst talking about it. I would really encourage you to continue talking to your T. I really hope you can work through it to what ever you need xxx

[thestudentcounsellor]

Should I tell my therapist I wrote my suicide note?

Definitely ❤️ I know it can be scary but you never know the amazing things that can happen from sharing something so personal with someone you trust x

[thestudentcounsellor]

Hi, I don't know if you know much about toxic relationships, I'm having a hard time "letting go" if a friend who is not the greatest friend. She's been problematic and she literally becomes her boyfriend's personalities. Bottom line, very self-centered or anything about her boyfriends. I just can't let go bc of the years of friendship? I'm not sure, but I think it's affecting me more than it should. I just don't know how to deal or if I should let go.

This is something that is very close to my heart ❤️ I can’t describe the pain involved in letting go of relationships, whether they were healthy or toxic doesn’t always make it any easier!

The only thing I can suggest it time as a healer. Time will enable you to heal the hurt, or resolve the issue. I’m sorry that’s not very helpful but I see this as a form of grief... grieving relationships are hard. They take time and a lot of self care ❤️

[thestudentcounsellor]

This will be my first time here so I want to ask you something. I’m 17, girl and high school dropped out. Whenever I tried to study exams, I always feel like giving up because of my asthma that get severe sometime that I get plenty of absent at school. Also another reason is that I have no one I ask for aka I don’t have friends and most of teachers are busy. It felt so suffocating and hopeless that I want to die. I think I have depression for long time because of one of that reason. Tbh (1/?)

Continued...

Tbh I wish my mum stop forcing me to study my first language when I don’t want to because I’m feeling pressure. I’m not fluent with my first language because I was raised in another country but she kept forcing me to do that and told me it’s important. It’s so suffocating that I feel like punching someone and then hurt myself. Why is that whenever someone or something pressure me to do something I just feel like dying? I wish I could change but it’s already useless. (2/2)

Hello sweetie,

Firstly, I have this need to reframe your description of yourself. It made my heart hurt to hear you describe yourself as ‘a high school drop out’. I’m sure there are a million other amazing things about you than an event that does not describe you in any way, shape or form.

Now, it sounds like you’ve got a lot of pressure on you. I wonder how much of this ‘feeling of dying’ is anxiety related from being under a lot of pressure? If you have someone like a Counsellor, teacher or even a family member who you can talk to about what you actually would like to achieve from your studies? From what you’ve described it doesn’t sound like you’re choosing your education path and it sounds like that is really important to you?

I’d talk to someone about either making your learning more manageable for you in this moment, particularly managing whilst you’re off sick from asthma. Or... perhaps changing courses?

The whole education game is something I’m really pationate about. I feel schools in particular are too focused on making young people choose their path so early on! If it is any comfort... I went into university when I was 18 to study law! I dropped out. I was ill and the stress wasn’t helping with my health. I went into work and fell in love with the work I was doing and went back into school when I was physically and mentally ready for it. 8 years on it doing my second degree & will be applying for a doctorate in clinical psychology in September! Anything is possible but I really want everyone to know that you don’t have to rush into anything you don’t want to! Education isn’t just for 17/18 year olds it’s there for life xxx

[thestudentcounsellor]

Hi Steph. Hope you're having a great day. Can you help please. I have had a recent diagnosis of DID, coupled with several bereavements and recently a big loss of my main support for mental health. My head is jumping around from everything seems okay to feeling so devastated I want to curl up and die. As my diagnosis is new I wondered if thus was switching. Then my body feels like it's shutting down, just doesn't want to work , like it's given up. Please please advise.

Hello huni,

Wow, what a lot you have on your plate. I’m so sorry for your losses. Bereavement is just devistating and such a hard thing to go through.

I’ve got this pull to just remind you to self care. Bubble baths, chocolate & lots of veg ❤️

I may be wrong, but to me what you’re describing sounds very normal of bereavement. There will be days like you feel completly incapacitated and unable to get out of bed to being on top of the world as if nothing has ever happened! Bereavement is a wirlwind of emotions and states so it may feel similar to dissociating in some ways :(

I’m so glad you’ve got your diagnosis, I know of many people with DID who were very relieved to finally have an explanation for what they were experiencing.

I hope that answers your question, please don’t hesitate to ask any more questions xx

[thestudentcounsellor]

I’m currently in my final year of my BA degree in Psych. I’ve recently found out that I may be kicked out of my program b/c of a “low grade” of a B. I have trouble being social in class settings because I’m shy and can’t bring myself to participate b/c of past bullying. My profs told me that I can’t be a psychologist b/c I am shy and struggle with mental health. What do you think about all this? I chose this field b/c I want to help others but now everyone has me second guessing myself. HELP!

I think you should ignore that professor.... any teacher who tells someone they can’t do something needs to go back to school themselves and relearn how to teach. At the end of the day a teacher should be able to teach you how to resolve your own limiting behaviours or how to improve a skill that may be lacking!

I’m not sure which country you’re in but a ‘B grade’ to me sounds amazing!

Theres loads of things that can help improve confidence! Firstly, you need to look at yourself a little and take note of where you think this lack of confidence comes from? It sounds as if the bullying has had a rather big impact (I’m very sorry you experienced that, I know how damaging bullying is and it’s something I had to do a lot of personal work on). Perhaps give counselling a go?

Other things can help improve confidence such as trying new things! New hobbies, new groups, meeting new people. It involves going out of your comfort zone unfortunately, but I can’t recommend this enough! Not only does it widen your view of the world, it exposes you to the fact that many people lack confidence! You’re definitely not alone in this ❤️ there’s nothing stopping you from bringing a friend along for moral support too xx

[thestudentcounsellor]

Hi there :) I've been working with my T recently on emotions. I finally had a breakthrough and managed to cry a little. The problem is that afterwards, I ended up totally disassociating and self-harming. Something I had never done before, which worries me. I'm not able to see T until Feb, and am scared I'm going to either shut emotions off completely, or its going to happen again. Should I try and get in touch with them before then? Are there any techniques/resources that you could recommend?

Hello sweetheart,

That sounds like a really hard experience, sorry I wasn’t able to respond sooner. I’m assuming you’ve seen your T now and I’m hoping that you were able to get the support you needed!

I would always suggest reaching out to your T in a time of need. At the end of the day, if they are unable to help you in the moment or see you sooner they can always signpost you to other services for the in between bits ❤️

I would recommend having a look at my post on grounding. I really believe in learning how to ground inside out and back to front in order to manage emotion regulation and to help stay in your window of tolerance especially when dealing with trauma xx

[thestudentcounsellor]

Thank you for the grounding technique for teams survivors post, I really needed it ❤️

You’re more than welcome sweetie, I’m so glad it is helpful ❤️

[thestudentcounsellor]

I’ve been seeing my therapist for a year and found it helpful. But now i just don’t feel as connected with her and just wish she treated me more warmly. I don’t really find sessions helpful anymore at all. I’m thinking of just quitting therapy because I can probably survive without it. I was wondering what your thoughts are on this situation? (Obviously you don’t have all the facts but from what I’ve written would you just quit therapy?) thanks for answering :)

Hello huni,

My first reaction to this is well done! It sounds like (I may be wrong) that you’ve done a bit of work that has been helpful to the point you don’t feel you still need therapy?

I’ll break it down a little as I feel there’s two parts to this...

1.) Maybe you’re not with the right Counsellor for you? Maybe this is holding you back from doing any further work? Or, there’s some hard or attachment work that is stopping you from attaching to or connecting you to your therapist? These are all things I’d actually encourage you to talk to the therapist about openly ❤️ I know it can feel quite scary doing that!

2.) maybe you’ve done enough work for now? Or you’ve done the piece of work you went in for and now is time to talk to your Counsellor about this, see if you have any other pieces of work you want to work on and reconntract to do a new piece of work or work towards an ending.

Just as an but of extra info, I always recommend clients tell their counsellors when their planning on ending. Mainly for safety reasons but also there may be something that’s going uncommunicated that can be resolved or worked on further if needed and wanted.

Hope that helps x

[thestudentcounsellor]

please come back

I’m back ❤️ when I have a little time on my hands I pop in... but just so you all know I always keep an eye on my inbox’s even when I’m not replying xxx

[thestudentcounsellor]

So I’m in a weird position here. Talked with T for a month about a recent incident where my *instinctive* reaction was “this is rape.” and yet... I wasn’t raped. Wildly inappropriate yes, but not rape. For a year I’ve had EMDR sessions because of dreams and flashbacks where I’m a victim of child sex trafficking. I don’t know for sure that actually happened, but my reaction to recent events gives evidence to support the idea that I was. If a client came to you with this... where would you start?

Hello sweetie,

What a horrible thing to go through I am so sorry you’ve experienced that whether it was or wasn’t especially doesn’t matter it clearly shouldn’t have happened and I’m so sorry that you experienced it.

As a therapist I personally wouldn’t work with you using EMDR if you’re having flashbacks or dissociation. I’d personally take you right back to basics, grounding, safety & stablisation work. I also want to point out I don’t have much experience with EMDR but from my understanding you shouldn’t use it with people who are flowing in and out of a hyper or hypoaroused state.

If you have any further questions please don’t hesitate to ask xxx