I read what you wrote about the uoa suicide. Im a student there now, and I really feel the same way. I didn't even know him but I still think about it a lot. Ive been pretty seriously depresses for the last two yrs of uni but I hope this one will be better. I don't know why im telling you this, you just seemed like the kind of person who would get it. Have a nice night :)
First of all, thank you for your message and thanks for reading what I wrote about it. And i think it's okay to think about it because it did hit pretty close for all of us.
And if you ever need someone to talk to about it, feel free to leave me a message or something. You can do that via this page, or my proper page (http://andyhartley.tumblr.com/).
As a recreational wordsmith and seasonal traveler, I have been trying to summarize my impression of India so far. The most noticeable feature would be the smell.
However it would be unjust if I simply state India has a terrible smell. It is a lot more than that. It is as if you decide to have sex with no showers for a week in an airtight closet: multiply that by an entire country and you might get 1% of what is approximately the aforementioned aroma. It is as if the whole country is governed by bad body odour and no one dare to comment, in fear of getting socially executed for being the one who spoke up against the totalitarian regime of suffocating scent.
But it’s more than that. It’s more than the smell of India that makes this country special. It’s their lack of personal spaces, their cultural norms, their cuisines, and so, so much more.
I believe the last time I tried to summarize a whole year in one post was back in 09. That also being the last time I vomited because of alcohol…True story!
The year started with all those 'Shit xxx said" videos. Those died down when people realized they are running out of stereotypes to joke about, and the jokes weren't very funny in the first place.
Personal life was even more anticlimactic. I was working in a cafe for minimum wage. While I appreciated the experience, I hated most of it. I looked forward to weekends more than ever. The 8 hours standing and 3 hour commuting to work everyday were dreadful. I started sleeping in public transport because I was always physically exhausted and mentally numb. It was very hard for me to socialize because I worked in a highly efficient cafe that only has 2 staff on at the time, and my other coworker spoke very little english.
I guess all that changed around May, when I watched all of Chuck in 2 weeks and my parents came down for my graduation. For the first time in months, I felt like I could do better with my life. I started planning what I want to do with my life. I wanted to travel. I wanted to do new things and meet new people. I wanted to have a proper profession rather than being someone who gets paid to play with milk. I wanted to move out. I wanted to fall in love over and over again. I wanted to be more than a guy who work in a cafe.
While the world got excited/crazy over bright neon clothing, Chinos, flash mobs, Pinterest, Zumba, steampunk, word with friends, #YOLO, Draw something, Fifty Shades of Grey, Kony 2012, bath salt, the Avengers, the Hunger Games, A song of fire and ice, Lana Del Rey, Call me maybe, the thing where girls shave side of their heads, the Olympics, Gangnam Style…
I did most the things I wanted to do. I saved, then I quitted my job. I applied for postgraduate study in something I love. I moved out. I wanted to be in India and see the world. I started writing, drawing, reading and making videos again. I started working as an extra on tv and I joined youthline. I met someone and she made me felt like the luckiest guy alive...
And according to the Mayans, the end is nigh. Although you gotta bear in mind these guys predicted the end of the world yet they failed to predict how to stop the Spanish invasions…
But then hey, what do i know? I'm just a guy who used to work in a cafe.
They say that doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different outcomes is insanity, personally i think that's just hopeless romantic, or playing Angry birds. Either way, it sounds mildly better than insanity.
They say that the worst part about a breakup is when you realize the other person is gonna share that happiness with someone else. But the truth is, an even worse part is when you witness it in front of you and figure you’re probably gonna die alone…surrounded by cats.
“Why do you even bother to be friends with your ex?” Dawn asked.
“Well the long version or short version? The short version is because I truly believe that she’s a nice person and she has qualities that i desire from friends. The long version is that I want everyone to like me because I’m deeply insecure at times and I still care about her depsite of everything, she reminds me of what I didn’t know I wanted”
I don't know you are, and I don't know what you needed. But i felt sad when you died. You went to my alma mater, and as a former student who walked the same corridors as you once did, I can't help but feel solidarity inside.
From now on, there will always be bloodstains near my ex usual cafe, or causality around the corner of my old favourite bank, or oblivion surrounding the elevator where I first fell in love. It hits too close to home for me, and to many other students who are/were at the University of Auckland.
No matter how dark things seemed. There were, and always will be, options available. It's a shame you never realized that. May you rest in peace.
The truth is, I can't help it if I'm attracted to highly neurotic basket cases with a strong dose of mental instability and irrationality. But then, that's the beauty about these women, so powerful yet fragile at times. She's a devastating hurricane and I can't help but run towards her and fall in love with her.
Whoever said time heals was full of it...Because it is taking me forever and to be honest, I'm still struggling to put all my pieces back together. So fuck you for saying everything will be ok and fine in the morning.
It was the day when she ended things. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be isolated and drowned on my sorrow. I txted Dawn and Ben that "she called it quit". Dawn called back right away and asked where I was. Ben took a while longer to respond.
I was sitting on the floor in the new apartment. The rooms were bare with nothing at all. A mild scent of paint still lingered in the air. My sole company was a six pack and I was on my second bottle. "Beer?" I asked Dawn when she arrived.
"Oh sweetie, sure." She reached out for her bottle. "Welcome back to singleville, so what happened?"
I chugged the entire bottle then i proceeded to open the next one. "Not yet," i said. "After this one." I started chugging the new bottle.
Dawn headed me a piece of pastry from the Baker Delight down the road. "Eat something," she advised, "I know what you're like when this happens, I know you feel sick and don't want to eat, but you've got to."
I told her what happened. Dawn's response was, "Well that's not fair, to you. After what you said to her and yet she put you through this...And clearly you are really into her, I saw the way you looked at her. That's when I knew that she's different and special."
"I think I'm just like a dog chasing cars, totally quoting the joker here, or Jenna Marbles, but you know. I'm so into the chase, and the puzzles, and that I always go for the ones who are unavailable, then when they become available, I dunno what to do with them. And you're right. She's different, in a sense that I've told her things that I've never told anyone before. And she's even more special than Joan to me, which makes the fall even more tragic...I don't want to talk about it anymore."
Bottle number 4!
Ben finally called, "Are you okay bro?"
My breath was a request laced with alcohol; "Come to my empty flat for a drink, How I met your mother style!"
I ignored that text, looked up at the notice board for my bus:
274 - Due
274 - Due
277 - Due
Bloody auckland transport…all the buses are late again…useless. I unlocked my phone and got ready to reply, turned to my right and glanced at the road, something caught my eye.
She wasn't very tall, all i saw was a semi familiar hairstyle among the crowd. I put my phone away and leaned forward for a better view. "Oh look, it's Annie."
*******
For the next 10 minutes, we stood and laughed and talked about each other's lives. It was nice because we haven't caught up properly in what felt like forever. You know that one friend you don't see often but everything seems to click when you do? That's Annie for me.
"Do you still talk about Joan?" Annie asked as soon as we sat down at the back of our bus.
I laughed at the fact she asked that, and the fact that i haven't thought about me and Joan together for sometime, "No, that chapter of my life is over."
"Did I tell you I almost went to europe?" She sensed that i wanted to change the topic. "I was one click away from confirming my tickets..."
"And you didn't because…?"
"Because it didn't feel right, he likes me a lot more than i like him, and part of me always knew it didn't feel right. And not because it's not right in the moral sense, but because when a relationship doesn't work, you just know. And I guess I was idealizing him because he's from France, and I would've got to live in Paris, and he was sorta history…"
I know that exact feeling too well. Idealizing the past. And that feeling of 'not right'.
"I think it's kinda romantic, giving everything up to be with someone, and it's Paris!" I replied.
"Yeah hun, it's romantic, but extremely idiotic because I would be alone." She stated.
"I guess yes, idiotic, but i'm not one to judge given that's how my parents met. I don't think i've told many people this, but that's exactly what my mum did. She flew halfway across the world to be with my dad even though they only met for a couple weeks. Idiotic? Probably because she gave everything up and she hated this country for it, but romantic? Yes very much so, even epic, and I'm forever grateful for what she has done..."
*******
"I'm sad Andy, and alone. Well not like lonely depressed, but just feel like i'm a gigantic mess…" She whispered.
"…like what am i doing with my life? You know it's funny, I've been getting those feelings lately too. Especially when a lot of people I know are getting married, and then I look at myself and think, what am i doing with my life? They seemed like they got their lives all sorted out, and even if they don't…"
"…they have a shoulder to lean on. And help them figure it out?"
"Exactly. That's admirable. I mean, I'm not looking for that sort of commitment, not since Joan, and I have been focusing on myself and trying to put all the pieces back together, but i can't help but think, even though I'm in my 20s, what am i doing? Part of me just want to do what my mum did, but instead of chasing after someone, I chase after who i want to be and disappear. Forever, or at least for a while."
I remember always talking about the Olympics, every four years. The excitement I got from the opening ceremonies, the matches, the athletes and the dedication they give for their sports has always been admirable.
That all changed 4 years ago. 4 years to the day actually. The night my grandfather died.
This is not going to be a story of how much i missed him, and how vividly i remember the event that happened on the night, because I have already written about that. Yes, i do miss him dearly everyday and I can still vividly remember getting waken up twice by my uncle at 2.47 in the morning. My uncle didn't say a word, he just turned my lights on, woke me up and left. Twice because I did what most people would have done the first time: Turned my lights back off and went back to sleep. Clearly he wasn't very good at delivering the message, nor was I very good at getting the message that something bad happened, at 2.47 in the morning.
I also remembered crying…over something that seemed so significant at the time. I cried over our last conversation over my high school graduation and how grandpa should definitely be there because my dad and uncle never really graduated high school. I cried over the last thing i said to him will always be, "Thanks for picking me up from training." I cried over the fact that it wasn't anything more significant and I wished I had told him how much he really meant to me.
I remember the next few days I carried on going to school, and my teachers told me that I should be with my family. In return, I told them that I physically didn't want to be at home because it hurts, and I missed my grandfather. And I am old enough to make my own decision so they can stuff it. That's the one and only time I told my teachers to stuff it in their faces.
I also remember my whole body went numb and I didn't care about the olympics anymore. I just wanted to do something exciting so i can feel something again. So i did, I took a leap and told my crush I like her. We went out for a while. I remember I suddenly had a new bunch of responsibilities, like looking after grandma and holding the family together. From that night onwards, I have new responsibilities. From that night onwards, everything changed.
