Sometimes I pretend to be a good writer @catmaniita - Tumblr Blog

in a reasonable canon, shane would simply have THEE most dependent and intimate relationship with the montreal team nutritionist. like, he has her on speed dial. they text multiple times per day. she spends 60% of her work hours adjusting meal plans for his texture issues and aversions. nobody else really sees how intense their connection is.

when he was crashing out about trading to ottawa, he said, "You know, it's just gonna be really hard to leave melissa," and hayden was sitting right there like. "melissa?? it's gonna be hard to leave MELISSA??"

but i think we can probably convince melissa to move to ottawa with him, don't worry.

riddlemaster101

#heated rivalry#cackling about shallergies verse#melissa getting a text that's just 'melissa they put fucking treenuts in my protein bar'#he does not need to specify which one#melissa sighs and puts on her glasses and gets to work#GOD melissa goes on vacation and hears the news that shane had an allergic reaction and is FURIOUS#WHO FUCKED WITH HER RECORD#NOT A SINGLE FUCKING TIME ON HER WATCH HAS SHANE HOLLANDER HAD A REACTION DURING THE SEASON#WHO WANTS TO DIE

via @penandinkprincess

penandinkprincess

melissa barging into ottawa's offices and just handing over a contract for her employment.

"um, excuse me, ma'am, who ar-"

"i have kept shane hollander alive and fed his for almost his entire nhl career, and i have invested too much time to stop now."

"but ma'am, we-"

"no more questions. sign."

obviously she's a dietician with a specialty in athletes which means the primary concerns of her patients are 1. need All The Fucking Calories and 2. need All The Fucking Protein, but in my heart, she is the flavor of dietician who focuses also on enjoyment and satiety (fun fact: you actually digest food better and get more nutrition out of food you like eating). like you're going to eventually get sick of how much you have to eat by the time you're 3/4 of the way through the season, but by GOD WILL SHE TRY TO MAKE THINGS ENJOYABLE AS LONG AS SHE CAN.

so she meets 20 year old shane who already comes into this meeting apologetic because he KNOWS this is all specific and it's a pain to have aversions when he already has allergies to work around, so he doesn't mind a lot of repetition when-

and melissa is just ✋ i did not put in the work to get this degree only to suck at this job. let's talk texture preferences.

(melissa does NOT know about mango time) (shane is kind of afraid of what she would do to him if she found out) (he cannot have melissa being mad at him it would actually send him into a nervous breakdown)

penandinkprincess

shane the day melissa finds out her dietetic magnum opus is out here RECREATIONALLY POISONING HIMSELF like she doesn't have a fucking DOSSIER on his ass crafted over YEARS of trial and error and research and innovation

SHE HAND-SELECTS MENUS BASED ON HOW STRESSED YOU ARE AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN THE SEASON AND BASED ON THE WIN/LOSS BALANCE OF THE TEAM BECAUSE ANXIETY MAKES YOU NAUSEOUS SO YOU NEED ADJUSTED FLAVOR PROFILES AND THE SECOND YOU'RE OUT OF HER DIRECT SUPERVISION, YOU FUCK AROUND????

SQUARE THE FUCK UP, HOLLANDER

#heated rivalry #shallergies #shane hollander

penandinkprincess

i am actually still laughing about the idea of ilya having Allergy Awareness so baked into his brain at a certain point that it doesn't even require conscious effort anymore

and EXTREMELY funny to imagine him doing something like physically grabbing svetlana's hand when she's grabbing some nuts out of a little bowl at a bar and going, "no, bad," while svetlana is?? i beg your FINEST fucking pardon??? before ilya's mind catches up and he goes, "oh, nevermind" because it's not poison for svetas, just shanes. brain just went Loved One Eating Forbidden Food and had him moving before he thought it through.

but even funnier to imagine it happening with his new team. and they're still getting to know each other so the freedom to touch component isn't there yet, but they're just like. getting coffee or something one morning in a city they're in for a game, and they go to take a bite of a protein bar they got, and ilya (who is texting shane which is why brain is Allergy Mode and also hasn't had any caffeine yet) barely glances up before he goes, "no, poison. bad for you." and this new person WHO BARELY KNOWS ILYA ATP is just ??? what??? what are you talking about??? was there a recall or something?? and then ilya has to go, "oh, no. fine for you. go ahead."

but that's not??? any clearer???? hello???? we don't have a relationship yet where i can ask what the FUCK that was?? but what the FUCK was that???? what do you MEAN fine for ME??? is this chirping?? is this bullying???? am i being bullied?????

#heated rivalry #shallergies #ilya rozanov #svetlana vetrova

exwife-of-frankenstein

Youtube is full of ads, spotify is full of ads, tumblr is full of ads, pinterest is full of ads. Everything uses ai. Every new update makes the website/app worse. Youtube auto translates almost every video I want to watch. Sometimes pinterest only loads ads for me. Check out this new ai feature. Here's a new update that breaks ur laptop. Here's a new update that breaks ur phone. Why are u complaining about ur phone, just get the newest iphone lol. Join my patreon. Join my membership. Pay a monthly membership to get all features. Upgrade your membership to get even more features. Subscribe to netflix. Subscribe to disney. Subscribe to amazon. Subscribe to hulu. This content isn't available in ur country. This content was removed. This website was removed. This feature only exists for apple. This app only exists for apple. U need to a WiFi connection to play this game. U need an account. We need your email to finish creating this account. We need your number to finish creating your account. We need your id to finish creating your account. In order to delete your account please write an email. In order to delete your account you need a laptop. Oops our database was hacked and ur information was stolen. Ur data was sold from this random website u used once 10 years ago. Spam call. Spam call. Spam call.

rainbow-femme

Ok but headcanon that Shane is one of those people who will just write “Love, Shane” at the bottom of a card UNTIL he feels comfortable being vulnerable with that person, at which point he writes the most heartbreakingly sweet and earnest notes

And no one is ever ready for the switch, and even after it happens they can never fully prepare themselves for what they’re going to get. Shane has learned that when he’s going to do that he should take them aside to give them the card rather than in front of people

Once Shane feels comfortable with Hayden as a genuinely good friend in his birthday card that year he writes out a whole thing about how he’s always wanted a best friend like other kids had but never had one and had accepted he never would, and then Hayden came into his life and gave him a level of love and friendship he never thought he would get and he loves everything about Hayden and can’t wait to be by his side as friends and brothers for the rest of their lives. Hayden fully breaks down and loses it, Jackie notices they’ve been gone a while and walks into the kitchen to see Hayden hugging Shane and sobbing into his shoulder. She raises her eyebrows at Shane and Shane just gives her the OK sign and goes back to rubbing Hayden’s back

Ilya learns about the card thing when it’s yunas birthday and he notices her opening Shane’s card like she’s deactivating a bomb. She stares silently as she reads it and Ilya starts freaking out a little when she starts to tear up and then pulls Shane in for a long silent hug. He looks at it later and sees that Shane wrote about how the last year made him realize over again how lucky he is to have someone as strong and supportive as her as a mother and he hopes to one day be half the parent to his own kids as she was to him

When it’s their first time having Ilya’s birthday together he’s legitimately nervous because this is his first Shane Card and he doesn’t know what to expect and part of him is afraid he’s built it up too much in his head and Shane won’t have as nice things to say as he did with other people. And then he opens the envelope and there’s no card but instead multiple pieces of paper because Shane couldn’t fit it all into a limited space. Ilya spends the better part of the next hour walking around the house reading it, taking breaks occasionally to cry or hyperventilate before going back to reading it because holy shit does Shane Hollander love him. Like he knew logically that Shane did but now he’s got pages and pages of Shane walking him through his feelings over the last decade of their life and every moment he remembered and cherished. Shane finally catches up to him and he’s on the floor of the kitchen, face a splotchy red mess, chugging Gatorade because he’s dehydrated from crying

David texts later to ask how his first Shane Card was and he just sends a wall of crying emojis and David is like “LOL yup, the first Father’s Day he did that for me I had to take the week off work or else I would remember it and cry in my office”

#heated rivalry #shane hollander #ilya rozanov #hollanov #hayden pike #jackie pike #yuna hollander #david hollander #prev tags #earnest Shane is myshane

anonymous-robot

penandinkprincess

Ok so I read your shallergies fics and first of all: magical, show stopping, stupendous, thank you for your talent.

Second of all!!! In one of your fics you have like an almost throw away line where Hayden mentions he’s had to stop the other Voyageurs/Metros players from fucking with Shane’s food and like. Now my mind is rife with the ✨possibilities✨ of that scenario. Like. One of them adds peanuts or something to something Shane thinks is safe as a prank and Hayden doesn’t catch it and suddenly Shane is in anaphylaxis and everyone is freaking the fuck out. The next time Ilya plays Montreal that one player gets laid the FUCK out for some reason.

combo-ing with @pitrosa just because both of y'all were getting to the same DELICIOUS possibility of a wild amount of angst.

like the idea of someone fucking with shane's food at a party at jackie and hayden's place not because they know shane is allergic but because they're shitty and i 100% buy some bigoted asshole seeing it as a way shane is just trying to be special and other. so they knowingly do something like stir in some peanut butter or mix in some coconut oil. literally just something they see easily available in this one minute window in the kitchen they have when they're just being an asshole.

and even beyond just the nightmare of now shane has a reaction and this is one more thing that the team didn't know about previously and can spin into "so you didn't trust us?" IGNORING WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED HERE, the fact that like. now shane isn't safe eating at events. or even fucking. being at events, tbh. like GOD the isolation of your team is cold to you now and you don't know which one of them fucked with you and you don't know that one or more of them won't do it again to hurt you. and it's not like any of them are going to fess up and own it because bigots are cowards and ALSO (even though shane wouldn't do it, i don't think) this is now like. pressing charges level.

and it's ONE MORE FUCKING THING that shane was afraid of!! and then it happened to him!!! what a fucking HEINOUS contribution to his anxiety getting worse while also feeling so isolated because even if hayden and jackie are equally PISSED and still invite you over when it's just y'all and you KNOW the food is safe. what the fuck are you even supposed to do here?

you are once again the kid alone at the allergy table, and this time it's because everyone else (it feels like) put you there on purpose.

penandinkprincess

also adding to this is that i know hayden would be fucking LIVID about this and ready to square the FUCK up with an asshole. like it's enough that they fucked with shane, but they also did it in HAYDEN'S house. where he has tried for years to make shane feel comfortable. he invited everyone into his home and they hurt his best friend, who has priority in being here over everyone as far as he's concerned.

and stuff with jj is SO complicated with the ilya of it all, but jj is shane's friend and i don't think?? was bad about him coming out?? (just being with ilya and not telling jj about that??) (if i remember correctly??) so we also have jj now angry on shane's behalf. and yeah, maybe he might be hurt that shane didn't tell him, but your friend having to go to the hospital has a way of kind of lining priorities up.

which means we now have blatant dividing lines down this team of who is falling on which side in a way that maybe wasn't even the case when it was about shane being gay. because this is a tangible and real thing that someone has used to hurt shane *could* use to hurt shane again. (and again! don't know exactly who it was!) and like it is NOT shane's fault. but i 100% see him feeling like it's his fault (and maybe even hearing that it's his fault from other people because well cap isn't keeping the team together now, is he?)

darlingofdots

also thinking of the awful moment when Shane realises he's having a reaction and it's a bad one, this is dangerous, and there's people everywhere and he KNOWS Jackie wouldn't be so careless and she knows what to do but he can't see her right now and he doesn't remember if his jacket is on a hanger in the entry or with the pile in one of the guest rooms and okay, wait, there's an epipen in the kitchen because he's here so often, if he gets that he just needs to find Hayden to call an ambulance for him—meanwhile the guys are watching Shane Hollander start wheezing and turning a very alarming colour and his face is swelling up and he's stumbling past people and crashing into furniture and it's genuinely scary, it's actually terrifying, what the fuck? and the Pikes are dropping everything and zeroing in on him because right, they've always been like this, fucking weird, if Hollzy wasn't gay they'd all think he was fucking Jackie, but right now she's holding his face in her hands like he's made of glass and Pike is forcing him to sit on the floor and he's on the phone and looks like he's about to punch a motherfucker and when Jackie climbs into the ambulance with Hollander the house has been deathly silent for five minutes as everyone realises, whether they know what happened or not, that another line has been crossed and there's no going back

penandinkprincess

GOD shane in the middle of fucking anaphylaxis having to try and think of "gotta get out of sight gotta get out of sight gotta get out of sight" because the vibe with the team is already Fucking Weird, and he sure as HELL isn't going to have THIS happen in front of them.

but like. you can only hide anaphylaxis so fucking much.

so the worst of it happens out of sight with jackie helping shane into one of the guest rooms on the first floor while hayden goes to grab his jacket for him.

and also the double whammy FURY in the aftermath of now someone has hurt hayden's best friend in his home AND scared the hell out of his children because they had to watch uncle shane get so sick and are now upset because he had to leave the house in an ambulance with mommy. and the distribution of labor in that choice was jackie also being pissed and knowing, "either i'm going in this ambulance, or i'm catching a fucking charge today." and hayden being left to try and work out what the fuck just went down here because he's equally furious but at least has some level of knowing all of the guys here, but now he's trying to get updates on shane, calm the kids down and promise them uncle shane is okay and yeah they can maybe visit him later if he feels up to it, and also work out who the fuck decided they wanted to die today.

and with all of this?? like HELL is the person who did it thinking it was just a mean ass prank going to speak up. because this is now "maybe catching a charge for poisoning cap" territory and also a FURIOUS hayden pike is visibly ready to throw hands. time to keep it to yourself and SKEDADDLE.

penandinkprincess

GOD 100% I think hayden and jackie would be like YEP THAT'S DONE with hosting, but now??? soooo??? where is hosting going to happen?? ain't going to be shane's house.

and now showing up at someone's house when they host is a fucking STATEMENT, especially if it's someone who is especially notably Not Cool with shane.

and the way shane would still be taking the blame for this!! both from the shitty ones on the team and also feeling like it's his fault!! because the team is literally splintering around him and what the FUCK is he supposed to do about it!!

and the growing tension!! certainly doesn't make him feel LESS like someone is going to fuck with him!!

penandinkprincess

YOU STOP THAT

TWENTY MINUTE TIMEOUT IN THE SANDBOX D:<

penandinkprincess

god and the EXTREMELY complex feelings shane would have about the rookie in the aftermath.

like NO of course he doesn't want this kid's career nuked because he was stupid and ended up being a patsy for fucking with shane-

-but also. he did do it.

like yeah the kid hero worshipped him in a way that was a little overwhelming but also?? kind of a relief?? when it felt like so much of the team was icing him out?? and yet when it came down to shane or the rest of the team, the rookie sided with the rest of the team to fuck with him. and he didn't KNOW it was serious, but he also didn't know it WASN'T.

and shane being so fucking angry that he knows he's supposed to forgive the kid here, but why does he ALWAYS have to be the one forgiving? why does he just have to take it on the chin and keep going and keep his head up and don't snap and don't not smile when you're supposed to and don't ever let that mask slip, young man, because it won't take much for those cheers to turn to jeers-

and even when he's trying SO FUCKING HARD why does it feel like he's still fucking FAILING.

#heated rivalry #shallergies #shane hollander #hayden pike #jackie pike

penandinkprincess

#MyShane uses 2in1 and dude-moisturiser from the same drugstore brand (and has done so since high school). However because this is hockey in the early 2010’s he gets labelled as metrosexual, and this later evolves into everyone thinking he has a 15 step skincare routine

Meanwhile #MyIlya imports his skin and hair-care products from three separate continents

i see The Vision, but shane also outsources as many decisions as possible to get The Best answer.

so i see this but raise you: shane has an elaborate, detailed routine, and he does not fully know what any of them do. he doesn't especially care to learn. dr. carter said to do these things and then naomi the aesthetician he hired after one (1) iffy comment about his skin on a commercial shoot early on said do these things also, so he will do these things (and these things also). what does this do? couldn't tell you. what could he sub this for? no idea. what happens if he skips this? there's no way to know. he simply will not dedicate precious Hockey Things Storage Space to it. The Professionals told him exactly what to do. he will continue to do it.

meanwhile ilya who has a routine because he is a liiiittle vain (and because sveta would ROAST his ass if he didn't put in effort) does have good products, but he also has a streamlined routine that he understands.

and he DELIGHTS in getting on shane's nerves by asking about his when he KNOWS shane doesn't know the answers.

"hollander, what does this do?"

"make me catch a murder charge if you don't put it the fuck down and leave me alone, rozanov."

penandinkprincess

i am actually in tears from laughing just imagining shane actually stopping to think "i could...change this?" about something in The Face Routine that he doesn't like. he has truly just muscled through for fucking YEARS because The Face Routine Professionals told him to do this, and now he is presented with the novel idea of "if you don't like the smell and it makes you make a face every single night because you hate it so much while you use it...you can just...change it."

man is just

catmaniita

#heated rivalry #shane hollander #ilya rozanov #hollanov #shane x ilya

alivardic

Happy Pride! On my knees praying we get to see the centaurs pride night designs in season 2

#heated rivalry #the long game #shane hollander #ilya rozanov #hollanov #shane x ilya #ottawa centaurs #the ottawa centaurs #the long game spoilers #the gay hockey show

penandinkprincess

unreasonably amused by the idea of itty bitty shane not wanting to get off the ice after practice to the point that david gets ON the ice to get him, so itty bitty does the "my bones are gone now" resistance move kids are so good at.

but fails to consider that ice is. so slippery.

like stage your protest all you want, buddy, but you have literally never been more move-able.

butimaficwriter

Read the post and loved it exactly for the potential of what's in the tags: uh oh now David made it funnnn and Shane, quick little bean that he is, riiiight as he's getting to the edge of the rink, about to be picked up and passed to mom, gets up and skates away to the middle of the rink and PLOMP lays down on his back, giggling and kicking his little skates. "Again, Dad (Shane does not call David daddy in front of his friends, he's not a baby!), again!!"

It doesn't help David and Yuna that everyone and their mother thinks this is the funniest, cutest thing ever and laughs, just spurring Shane to do it more and more.

penandinkprincess

OH MY GOD

coupled with the idea of shane's conversation with rose when he talks about how hockey got less fun because it got more intense and so so did he: the idea of ilya dramatically flopping on his back on the ice one day at camp when they're done running drills with the kids

and he is teasingly refusing to get up because he is dead now, hollander, can you not see this, and shane hesitates for just a second, grabs his hand, plants one of his skates, and just sends him sliding off towards the side of the rink, thinking about how his dad used to do it to him after every single practice

and ilya laughs and shane laughs and for this moment at least, being on the ice is nothing but Fun again

penandinkprincess

@somanystars G O D

shane as a teenager who still refuses to leave the ice after practice, but it's not for fun anymore. it's because he feels like he didn't do well today and needs to practice more, get faster, get better, get-dad, get OFF the ice. you're in the WAY.

just so frustrated with himself and mad because he's BETTER THAN THIS he KNOWS he's better than this. and david tries to get an arm around his shoulders and shane just defaults to. sitting down. go home if you want, he'll just-

the idea of david starting to gently swing protesting teenaged shane around by a shoulder pad until he can't help but smile at least because GOD dad you're SO weird, but rn it's just him and his dad on the ice together, and the spotlights feel a little less blinding

meghan-maria

AAAA there's an adorable clip floating somewhere of Brad Marchand and his daughter on the ice and this child just completely drops and starfishes on the ice, and that dad knows what to do! He uses his hockey stick to push her leg until she's spinning like a little ninja star on the ice, only for the other child to plop down and demand the same. He had two little kids spinning like turntables and giggling like drains I love it

Extension on that of yuna or David with little toddler Shane. And how one day kids get carried for the last time or whatever, but he officially outgrew ninja star time, he just got too long and lanky and yuna had a moment about that.

David relives his glory days spinning the under fives at camp and becomes the favorite of three coach Hollander-Rozanovs. Ilya adopts it as a game for teammates kids in his quest to be superior uncle

penandinkprincess

GOD i know yuna BAWLED the day jackie tagged shane in a post on instagram of him doing turntable time with the pike kids when they came to the arena one night during a family event

her baby turntable now spinning baby turntables

penandinkprincess

@connorsbackpocket "calibrates his brain like a wii remote" has me in TEARS from laughing

#heated rivalry #shane hollander #ilya rozanov #hollanov #yuna hollander #david hollander

laurenillustrated

Mystery Inc. but it’s the 1890s

Who had late Victorian Scooby Doo on their 2024 bingo card? Hmm?

The idea came to me when I was thinking about Sherlock Holmes and then remembered the iconic mystery solving gang hehe

#scooby doo #scooby gang #shaggy rogers #velma dinkley #fred jones #daphne blake #shaggy and scooby #fred and daphne #victorian #victorian fashion #scooby doo au

babushkahihi

The Kiss

#arcane #jayce talis #jayce #arcane jayce #viktor #arcane viktor #jayvik #jayce x viktor

watermelontuesdays

AU where Shane and Ilya don't hook up or have a decades-long secret. They don't really know each other at all, except to play each other.

Shane comes out of the closet sometime after Scott does, and in some random, lighthearted interview, they ask him what he's looking for in a man. And Shane's just, off-hand like, "Well, he'd have to have at least one Stanley Cup. Obviously." And when he gets a good reaction from that, he keeps going, like "Needs to be amazing at hockey. Definitely needs to be at least an All-Star, if not a captain. Hot too. If he can't bench-press me, I'm not interested."

And it's all in fun, except two days after the interview prints, Ilya Rozanov shows up at his door like "knock, knock. I am here to apply for boyfriend position. Do you need resume? I brought my Stanley Cup ring, just in case."

murphsxs

#heated rivalry #shane hollander #ilya rozanov #hollanov

klawphish

One thing I enjoy in Skyrim that there's not nearly enough of is the idea that ancient Nord culture was not what modern Nords imagine. There's Word walls honoring Redguards and Argonians, Tsun mentioning that ancient Nords actually valued magic, Olaf One-Eye being either a culture hero or a boogeyman depending entirely on who you ask. It's not much, but there is some sense that Nord revanchism is canonically misinformed and self-serving (like real life revisionist histories).

catmaniita