Red Hood, in the middle of a meeting with his goons: So we’ll gather over here at-
Batman, dropping down from the ceiling: Red Hood
Goons, trembling in fear but standing up to fight: Shit… what’s the Bat doing here
Red Hood, aggressively: What are you doing here, old man?
Batman, pulling out a lunch box: You forgot your lunch in the cave *walks over and hands it to him before peppering his cheeks with kisses*
Red Hood: Oh my gosh, Pa! Stop! You’re trying to embarrass me on purpose! *pushing Batman away and blushing under his mask*
Batman, taking out his grappling hook: No idea what you mean. Stay safe. Bye *leaves*
Goons, stunned: Whoa… boss, you are so red
Red Hood: Shut up! No I’m not! *shoves helmet on to cover his blush*
Tim, squished in a chair with Bruce: … so tight… so uncomfortable…
Bruce, typing away on his computer: That’s your fault. It was a perfectly fine chair with only me in it, then you suddenly came
Tim, squirming: Yes, but…
Bruce: Want me to move? You’ll have the chair to yourself
Tim, practically in Bruce’s lap: No
Bruce, watching TikToks in his room: Hmm *watching a video about Velcro babies*
Jason and Duke are playing Sorry!. Dick is allowing Cass to adorn his hair with accessories. Steph is painting her nails. Damian is snuggled into his side, drawing. Tim is asleep across his lap. All of this was done on his bed
Bruce: -So I believe that it would be best for us to leave that land alone for the native wildlife.
Bruce: Taking and destroying such precious land for a profit is disgusting, and I think Lexcorp should really start to think of the environment more
Bruce: Anything to add, baby?
Damian, half asleep on Bruce’s hip: … fuck Lex Luther
Bruce: Well… you heard him
Tim, high on morphine from a procedure: Dad…?
Bruce, carding his finger through Tim’s hair: Yes, baby?
Tim, starting to cry: Daddy… I have something t-to tell you!
Bruce, panicking: Tim? Sweetheart, what’s wrong?? Do you feel pain? Are you-
Tim: I-I like girls a-and guys!
Bruce: What?? Oh… oh sweetheart. I already knew that
Tim: Do you… Do you still love me??
Bruce: More than all the stars in the sky. Why don't we try to get some sleep, hmm?
Reporter, running up to Batman: Mister Batman! Mister Batman
Batman: … *debating on escaping*
Reporter, holding up a picture of Signal: The world wants to know... is Signal yours?
Batman: What’s that in his chest?
Reporter: The symbol? … I guess it looks like a bat
Batman: Okay. Now stop asking me stupid questions. Use your brain.
Batman: I own the bat. Why else would anyone wear it? *disappears*
Steph: I want a piggyback ride
Steph, tense: Nowhere. Yes or no, man
Bruce: ? *wants to ask if she’s ok, but she’s got a vibe about her*
Bruce, in a joking tone: What’s in it for me, toots?
Steph, relaxing at not being interrogated: Undivided physical contact with me, your lifelong dream
Alfred, strained: I love you very much
Bruce, searching his face: …
Bruce, genuinely confused: When did you get so bad at lying?
Duke, delirious from food poisoning: I… I can see a light
Damian: Shush, Thomas, you’re staring straight at the lamp
Duke: G-Grandma Wayne? Is that you?
Bruce: You’ve never met your Grandma. Stay with me, Duke!
Cass, sending Bruce a fit check video: -and then the boots you bought me last time
Bruce, texting back: Is that my jacket?
Bruce: I’ve been looking for that. You know I’ve been looking for that
Cass: No clue what you’re talking about dad
Bruce: I’m in Stephanie’s Hulu
Dick: We both know you have enough money to buy the company itself
Dick: Why are you on Steph’s Hulu
Bruce: She made an account for me, and she changes my profile picture every day
Duke: We’re supposed to talk about our emotions
Damian: Like what a healthy family is supposed to do?
Bruce: Yes, we’re all in this together
Bruce: Like a hostage situation
Tim: Daddy-o, where are you
Bruce: I’m currently at the mall
Bruce: Please use an apostrophe
Bruce, sending a zoomed-in forehead pic of Stephanie grinning: Guess
Tim: You ever think it’s weird how my ex-girlfriend has integrated into our family?
Alfred, sorting through a mountain of bouquets: …
Bruce, popping his head in: What are you doing? Why are there so many flowers?
Alfred: They’re all for you, Master Bruce
Alfred: I suppose someone is trying to woo you
Bruce: So what are you doing?
Alfred: Putting them away
Alfred: One pile for the wilted and dead. Another for my compost bin, and a third to donate to the women’s shelter
Bruce: …I don’t get flowers?
Alfred: No one is good enough for you, my boy
Alfred: I’ll buy you flowers later
Bruce, on the couch, cuddling with Damian for the past two hours and watching Gray Ghost: *looks up when Tim enters the room* Hi, love
Damian: You had Baba all to yourself yesterday while I was at school
Bruce, visibly on the verge of tears: Yeah *emotionless*
Cass: You are a lying liar who lies a lot
Bruce, rubbing his temples: Urg…
Jason: Whoa, what’s up with you?
Bruce: I’ve got this insistent headache that won’t go away… It’s killing me
Jason: Shit… did you get poisoned?
Jason: What was the last thing you ate?
Bruce, thinking harder: …
Jason: When was the last time you ate something?
Bruce, thinking harder: …
Jason: Dad! *dragging him to the kitchen*
Steph: *trips and falls on her face* Ack!
Bruce, desperately trying not to laugh: Oh, gumdrop *helping her up*
Steph: You sound incredibly condescending *allows Bruce to brush her off and hug her*
Bruce, hiding his face in Steph’s hair so he doesn’t laugh: No, of course not
Dick: Strongest immune system? You don’t count
Bruce: Could be Duke. He keeps eating shit off the ground, and we’re in Gotham
Dick: True, it’s probably radioactive
Duke: I’m literally fine! You guys are mean!
Bruce: Hi, I’m Bruce, and when I was eight years old, my parents and I were coming back from the movie that I begged to go to on my birthday, when they were shot and brutally killed in front of me in a botched mugging
Bruce: I then had to stay with their dead and cooling bodies for hours in an alley way, covered in their blood, holding their hands, with people walking past and seeing me but not calling anyone, until the police finally arrived in the morning where they continued to ignore me for hours and kept me sitting in a pool of my parents blood, and when they actually started talking to me the first thing they did was ask if I was the one who killed them
Bruce: And people till this day question why my parents decided to go down Crime Alley, but it literally wasn’t called that back then. It was just Park Row. The crime was the murder of my parents. That’s why it’s now called Crime Alley, literally because of the crime of my parents’ murder. Their deaths fundamentally changed all of Gotham
Bruce: And I brought jumbo sour gummy worms
Duke: … Damn, coming out with the big guns right away
Cass: I told you this wasn’t the right ‘mood game’ to play in this family, especially
Dick: Now, if I follow up with my parents dying in front of me, it sounds like I’m copying you
Dick: Also, you being there made it significantly better for me
Jason: That’s why you gotta have more than one dipshit
Dick: I do have more than one! That’s just the first one
Steph: Wait, that’s seriously why it’s called Crime Alley?
Bruce: I tried going for the least traumatizing thing that’s happened to me… I guess
Tim: I’m just glad you didn’t start the cult story; that one scared me
Tim: The super scary one that you were telling me about
Bruce: That actually doesn’t narrow it down for me
Damian: Baba, the fact that there are so many that you don’t know is truly worrying
Cass: I’ve killed some clut members…
Steph: Inspiring Cass, truly
Cass, shrugging: Felt like I needed to say something
Cass: Can I have that as my thing?
Jason: We’ve all killed a few cult members before, you’re not special
Damian, nodding along: Yes, it’s quite easy
Duke: The fact that you’re not saying anything against that statement is concerning, Bruce
Bruce: Technically… I only indirectly caused their deaths… mostly
Dick, sneaking a hand into the bowl: I’m learning so much about you
Bruce, smacking his hand away: Don’t eat the gummy worms before anyone else has gone!
Bruce: I promise to rest for at least a week
Bruce: No, I swear it. On my life
Alfred: Master Bruce, you are suicidal in the highest degree
Alfred: Swear on anything else
Bruce, giving Dick something he hasn’t had since childhood: Here
Dick, ecstatic: Whoa! How’d you remember I liked this?
Bruce: Photographic memory. Total recall, chickadee, remember?
Dick: No, but you obviously did *kneels over laughing and slapping his knee*
Jason: I’m gonna torture you
Bruce: I told you, I didn’t even eat the last brownie
Bruce: I'm only a calorie deficit for a photoshoot
Jason: I’m gonna gather every single person you know
Jason: And we’re gonna form a human circle around you
Bruce: Where is this going?
Jason: Then we’ll just shout compliments at you! And they’ll be meaningful and deep, not surface-level!
Bruce, horrified: Don’t you fucking dare
Bruce: Damn, Alfred is inquiring about upping my anti psychotics
Bruce: Bitch I’ll make him up yours too, don’t test me
Jason: Since when do you two need psych meds?
Bruce, looking over at Dick: Uh
Dick, sweating: Umm, you know, it doesn’t really matter
Duke: You ever notice how a swarm of bats always follows you?
Duke: Like, when you're bat-manning. Bats come out of the woodwork
Duke: It really adds to your whole aura
Bruce: I… I don’t think that’s a thing
Jason, angry: Why do you keep walking away from me when I’m talking to you?!
Bruce, refusing to look at him: You talk with your hands
Bruce: You’re carrying your gun. You keep waving it in my face
Bruce: I can handle a lot of things from you, but not that
Bruce, sick: Oh, it’s a cold, cruel world out here
Steph: I can ask Alfie to make you hot chocolate
Bruce: No, he makes it with water instead of milk
Alfred, trying out a new bread recipe: What do you think, Master Bruce?
Alfred: It is made from whole wheat flour and a small amount of cornmeal. It also contains oats, chia seeds, flax seeds, and hemp seeds. I also took the liberty of adding walnuts, almonds, and pistachios.
Bruce, chewing on the grainy and crumbly piece of bread, close to tears: I feel like a bird…
Bruce: Is this punishment? Did I do something wrong?
Alfred, offended: It’s healthy
Bruce, already crying: What did I do??? I don’t like this! *crumbs flying everywhere*
Batman: Between hurtling into traffic at 180 mph and changing this song
Batman: I will change this song
Dick: Dad! Both hands on the wheel!
Alfred: Go upstairs and take a nap
Bruce: Noooo. I won’t be sleepy if I have to move
Alfred: You can’t nap here, you’ll get a crick in your neck
Bruce: Everyone has to make sacrifices
Jason: Damn, Pa, what’s up? You lookin' fucking horrible
Bruce: I’m supposed to hang out with Cass and Damian today…
Dick: And…? What’s that gotta do with you looking sick
Tim: Oh, I get it. It’s an anxiety thing
Bruce: It’s just… leading up to an outing is always the worst. The impending sense of doom is very strong
Bruce: I know I’m gonna have fun when I get there, and I’ll enjoy myself. But I wanna cancel, I feel like throwing up, and I’m so fucking nervous
Jason: Yo… these are your children you’re hanging out with
Bruce: I know, you’d think my body would get the memo and chill out, but no
Tim: Yeah, I get it all the time
Bruce: Oh my gosh, why is nobody answering their fucking phones
Bruce: I’ve called you all a million fucking times
Bruce: What do I pay your stupid ass phone plans for
Bruce: Someone, come pick me up
Bruce: I just got hit by a car pedestrian style
Bruce: I’m so fucking embarrassed
Several people typing at once
Tim: You ever think it’s weird how we can’t see Dad’s face when he’s wearing the cowl?
Jason: Oh, the shadow thing?
Steph: It freaked me out the first time it happened
Steph: Like, no matter where I moved or what I did, I couldn’t see his face
Damian: Yes, I was… shaken the first time, when I could only see his white eyes peering at me from the shadows
Damian: His silence and stealth are unimaginable
Dick: Oh yeah… I guess we’ve all gotten used to it, huh?
Tim: I don’t think he even knows he’s doing it most of the time
Jason: Pa makes himself scary, but he’s oblivious to the fact that he' didn’t do that to make him scary 's scary without trying sometimes
Steph: You think it’s enchanted?
Tim: Oh my gosh, the fucking cape!
Tim: I tried to figure out the logistics of that thing and almost gave myself an aneurysm
Jason: I went nuts the first time he became a blob in front of me
Steph: Love when he does that
Steph: Is it weird to call a grown man cute?
Damian: It makes me wonder where Father sourced his items
Dick: Dad makes them with regular fabric, believe it or not. He’s been making them since before I came around
Jason: Then what the fuck??
Steph: This is giving me a headache
Tim: Think he’d tell us if we asked?
Bruce, walking into the theater room: What’s everyone-
Steph: Yeah, man, the movie’s about to start
Cass: Been waiting on this release for two years
Duke: My hands are shaking. Literally, I’m dying
Jason: I’m only here because they forced me-
Tim: Shut up! You’ve been waiting for this since forever, just like the rest of us
Damian: Quiet, heathens! It’s starting!
Watching the movie silently in awe, then Bruce comes on screen
Tim: Dad, you need to start suing someone cause they took your likeness
Bruce, raising an eyebrow: Thanks, but no. That’s me, sweetheart
Bruce: I am famous, remember?
Dick: When did this happen?!
Bruce: A while ago? Dickie you were there
Dick: I have actually nothing to say in defense of myself. I thought it was just a regular shoot and fell asleep
Jason: You’re such a fucking idiot
Steph: What the fuck, man?!
Damian: Baba, you should have told us you were going to star in such an important movie for this generation
Bruce: It’s literally on my calendar
Bruce: You’d know that if any of you bothered to look at it
Duke: Do you have other movies and shows lined up?
Bruce: *shrugs* Check the calendar
Tim, angrily: I can take care of it myself. I don’t need your help
Bruce, rolling his eyes and so over it: Sure thing, burger boy, I’ll leave it in your capable, greasy little hands
Tim, offended: What?! Burger boy?! Greasy little hands?! *shrill and high-pitched voice*
Bruce: Hey, you’re the one who named yourself after a fast food restaurant
Damian, trying to sneak out through the front door: …
Bruce, walking by: Ah ah *snaps fingers and points upstairs* Go
Damian: Ugh! *planning to sneak out the window*
Bruce: Don’t even fuckin think about it.
Bruce: Oh, please. Do you see how many siblings you have? I’ve seen it all
Alfred: And done it all too
Steph, walking into the library: Whoa, what the fuck is happening?
Cass, actually on the verge of tears: Dad is ignoring me
Bruce, reading peacefully on a nearby couch: …
Steph: No way, B-man would never purposely ignore us when we’re not being shits. Especially not you
Bruce, turning his head and looking surprised: Oh, hello, girls
Bruce, taking out his ear plugs cause he was overstimulated earlier: Honey, Cassandra, hello. When did the two of you get here?
Bruce, looking at Cass, concerned: Are you alright, princess?
Cass, completely embarrassed: Peachy. Let’s go *tugging Stephanie out*
Steph, elated and laughing: Super assassin who notices everything did notice that-!
Bruce, confused: Hrn? Oh well. *puts earplugs back in*
Dick: Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving the country for two weeks?
Bruce, holding his luggage: Well, hello to you too, Richard. Yes, my plane ride was fine, I’m good, how’re you?
Dick: Cut the shit. You can’t just go missing like that
Dick: What if Gotham needed you or something?
Bruce: I told the people who needed to know
Bruce: Besides, you haven’t talked to me in a week. Why would I tell you?
Bruce: Did you realize you needed me for something? Is that the only reason why you reached out and noticed I was gone?
Bruce: Dick. I just got home. Before we start another screaming match, can I see my other children first?
Bruce: I’d like to see Damian and Tim while I’m still in a good mood
Bruce: Not now, child number three
Tim, looking confused: Child number- *muttering to himself*
Bruce: Duke, Damian, and Cassandra are causing a ruckus
Bruce: If I don’t intervene now… people will die
Tim: The fuck are they doing?
Bruce: Alfie, I got a paper cut *holds up finger*
Bruce: See? It’s bleeding
Alfred, very serious: Oh my, that’s quite serious
Alfred: Shall I bring out the big guns? Dinosaur Band-Aids?
Bruce, also very serious: Yes, dinosaurs are very necessary
Batman, jumping from roof to roof during patrol: …
Marco, a seven-year-old boy who lives nearby: Mister Batman, Sir! Hello!
Batman: Hrn *jumps down* Marco
Marco: Oh, yay! You remember me! That’s good
Marco: Yup! I just wanted to give you this! *holds up drawing* Mama said you’d really like it, so I did my best
Batman, gently taking the paper and exchanging it for a lollipop: I do. Thank you
Marco: Ooo, candy! Thank you, Mister Batman! Have a good day- I mean, night fighting crime! *runs away waving*
Batman: *gently folds the paper and puts it away. Pulling out his grappling gun and returning to patrolling*
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