Siya nagreachout sa akin sa chat. Nagkita kami June 5. Nagpaalam ako na si Chulver kasama ko at hindi siya. Like I was trying to protect her from the anger of my mum, but really itâs me who doesnât want to hear questions. I am tired of explaining.
It was hard to see Ayson, to let him go. I was there and it sink in. Di kami close but I feel for the family. And I have these thoughts na what if ako yung nawala, would my family cry for me? Or if I said I was gay would they build funeral for me too?
Itâs hard lalo na kung aamin ako na lesbiana ako. Magagalit si mama, especially her. Dati kasi nakakita lang siya ng 2 cartoon na babae naghahalikan sa cellphone ko nagtanong na agad siya kung bakla ako, kung oo daw papakabitan niya ako ng tite. Haha funny sa inyo pero nakakatakot. At kapag nagalit yon minsan nanghahagis ng monoblock na upuan, what if nagusap kami hawak niya ang kutsilyo? Nambabato kasi siya ng mga gamit. Or kapag sobrang galit niya minsan nanampal siya or ingudngod niya mukha ko sa surface. Ang dami lang possibilities. Palagi na lang niya ako pinagsasabihan na wala na akong ginawang tama sa buhay ko. Para daw ako matuto. Talaga?! Ganyan lang ba talaga matatanggap ko sa kanila, ni isang beses hindi ko narinig sa kanila na proud sila na nakagraduate ako with academic excelence? Not once from you ma.
Anyway I am so tired of crying, iniyakan ko na yan kagabi. Talagang mahirap maghanap ng pagmamahal sa isang puta.
I had a dream with Joy, we went to a horror booth, inside the amusement park, along with her bf but she was too close to me, hugging me like before and smiling at me. She was glad that I finally showed up, and I was too, we get to watch horror tv together and before we get to the scary part I woke up.
In the waking world, last night my mom told me about having me searching for girlfriends, (which I did but stop) I donât have the energy to meet new people, but I want to meet my old friends and colleagues in high school. It wasnât the happiest memories I got but I am glad that I am getting comfy with my own skin. I am going to continue taking care of myself.
Anyways if binabasa mo ito, I still have anger in my heart, bakit mo akobiniistalk pa, wala na tayoo. But I am also tired na so I just have to let you go Gorgie. I have repented my mistakes na sabihan ka ng masasamang salita para lang makaganti ako. Mali ko iyon and I am sorry, the damage has been done, at wala akong excuse. Kung naging honest lang ako sa iyo noon pa hindi na sana nagkaganito.
At sana mapagtanto mo na nasa maling panahon lang tayo, maling oras. Pinapatawad na kita sa lahat ng paulit-ulit mong hindi pagiging seryoso sa mga usapan natin, sa pagtanggi sa akin na makita ka, sa mga sagot mo na wala, walang plano, at sa pagiging negatibong outlook sa buhay. Pinatatawad na kita sa mga malilit na bagay na nagkakamali ka, gaya ng hindi mo pag-intindi sa mga impormasyon na hindi mo naman kayang dalhin. Pagsexualize mo sa aking mga darili kapag ako ay nagigitara, at sa pagdodrawing ko ng hubad na tao na pawang intensyo ko ay mag-aral ng anatomy. Nasaktan ako dahil pawang katuwaan lamang sa iyo ang aking paghihirap na makapag-aral sa mundo minamaliit ang sining. At pinapatawad na kita sa madalas mong pag-iterrupt kapag ako ay nagsasalita, at sa paghingi mo ng tawad.
Kung sa totoo lang, hindi naman mahirap magmahal, ang mahirap ay maging pantay sa lebel na hindi natin kayang abutin. Hindi tayo pwede, kahit ipinilit ko pa na ibigin ka, sadyang magkalayo lang tayo ng agwat, ng personality, ng ambisyon, ng gusto. Hindi kita type, pero minahal naman kita at pinahalagahan, nawalan ako ng kapasidad dahil na rin sa sarili ko, hindi marunong magtanggap ng pag-ibig ng gaya sa iyo. Naghanap ng paraan para magalit ka sa akin para ikaw ay lumayo, at makaganti, nasaktan kita at wala akong excuse diyan.
Dahil sa interaction ko na ito, nalalaman ko na mas importante ang pagpahalaga sa sarili, sa aking kagustuhan at sa mga boundaries. Ako ang nagkasala, at ito ay aking responsibilidad na dadalhin ko sa susunod kong relasyon. Paalam nađ
Idk how to use tumblr but im gonna turn this account into a ronance fanart dump because it feels like i found a treasure trove on this website im being fed so well tyty
Give Maya Hawke and Natalia Dyer a romcom I swear Iâd drink that sht and puke rainbows. Iâll be employed by the time they announce their ROMCOM!!!!!
You know if season 5 will be all out queer and eleven would be alive at the end evrything in that season will be top tier and legendary but the Duff Bro fcked up and choose the later; not listening to other writers as they mock them, humiliate the actors who want to contribute for the betterment of the Stranger Things. This is an absolute nightmare itâs been weeks since I watch the final show and in haunt me in a worst way even in my dreams. It is so bad writing that it itch me to write my own ending
Gusto ko mag rant so much. This person expects from me dahil lang nag stalk siya at nakita niya mga âachievementsâ ko when in reality, sweat tears, self-doubt wasnât shown in that those pictures. Tapos ang maririnig ko sa kanya na mas magaling ako, mas angat ako, ako ako, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Those are fucking expectations! I am not like what you think. I am desperate, I have endured sleepless nights, just to get good grades, persist on hating the subject I donât want to learn yet I still did, cried so many times at night telling myself that I am so pathetic I did not achieve greater than THIS, at the back of my mind I couldâve done better.
I couldâve done better. But I did my best, but it wasnât enough.
I couldnât satiate this feeling. So donât praise me.
I am no better than you, no better than any of you, because I am just like you.
I am a nobody, yet you kept me in a bottle glass and labeled me. Imprisoned me. Please let me go. I am not a high being, nor lower than you. Stop seeing me like that please.
Perhaps, itâs been great, personally. My mind that is calm and motivated. When I am far from the internetâs emotional roller coaster that is.
It is a rare for me to write down good moments so here it is:
My cat is a chonky cat. it always feels great to touch her fluffy skin after a deafning newly bathe session. Her name is Xiaoming, âlittle brightâ is the meaning of her name. Idk why I name her like that, I just find it cute. This cat met us during the pandemic era and while I was in college. It was tough times. Now we sleep together now and itâs the best feeling ever to have a cat beside me when I sleep.
When I broke up with my ex feels liberating. Idk why but I was happy with her at first yet I canât bare to last long with someone who doesnât have plans with me. And also, we are both neurotic I canât handle both of our feelings. It was hard to tank her emotions, if i have my intense emotions heavy enough for me. I am at a point where I feel overwhelmed with emotions that I become apathy to their situation. I donât want that. It was easier for me to be single than to be with someone who depend on me with their emotion regulation and I need to fix everything that I become nothing but hatred.
I quit my customer service job because I notice I feel so much and helping customers order their medication is not enough and unfulfilling for me. I also notice that the company have limitations to what I can offer to help and little to extend my help. The system itself is limited enough to extend help to patients who are boomers and having hard time with technology stuff. The system is unjust and I refuse to support it.
Iâve been stalling for seven months applying for a job. I played more hours than draw. Felt unmotivated, down and depressed. But now I want to reapply for jobs that I want, it feels a little too late, but at the same time, a perfect timing.
I am ready for rejections. And maybe to go to Mnl and stay there to get my dream job happen.
I am hoping for more, and that is a good thing.
I chat and interact more with my old friends now I feel safe to connect with them
I even chat with my x and joke with her yet I still feel a little anger and bitter. I am still trying to accept we are not compatible, I wasnât ready for relationship with her, and disappointments
I am 26 now yey!?
There are bad things happened as well. I was mentally ill and felt svicydal before my birthday for unknown reason. Someone, acquaintance of my parents di3d, from stroke and happiness. Disaster like earthquake and supertyphoon happen, the government is in utter chaos (as usuall but 2x) and it always smells like septic tank here.
Thatâs it! I wish This feeling last longer so that I can finally heal and get my sht together.
One of the hardest part of living in a catholic, religious community, is saying the truth that I am queer.
Tibo at Bading
Ako ay tibo, may gusto sa kapwa babae, may gusto sa lalaki, at sa kahit na anong kasarian.
Pansexual, walang katumbas sa tagalog kaya tawagin ko na lang ito na Tibang = Tibo+Bading.
Malawak kasi ang term na tibo at bading, pinagsama nito ang sexual orientation pati ang gender identity.
Ang sexual orientation at gender identity kapag sinabing tibo ay iisa = masc lesbian. Ganun din sa bading = fem gay.
Pero para sa akin, naaakit ako commonly sa babae, sooooobrang dalang sa lalaki. Nagkakagusto din ako sa lalaki pero sa katangian at standard na kasing tulad ng isang average na babae. Ang standard ko sa lalaki ay kasing ugali ni Keanu Reeves, ganun, very sweet man at humble at halos walang ego.
Sa babae naman actually mababa lang sa first stage, mabilis ako magkagusto tapos kapag nakilala ko na sila at tolerable naman ugali at faults nila ayun perfect na perfect na sa akin yun. May nakapasa na dito sa last stage part ih kaso ayaw naman niya sa akin đ ako ang hindi jowable oh well.
Back to the topic. Ito lang hindi ko kayang i share sa kanila kasi 1) being tibo and gay is a sin, 2) kahihiyan sa buong barangay at religious grp, 3) my parents will kick me out. Until I am ready to face those consequences, maybe I will consider revealing my identity, pero sa ngayon na nakatira pa ako, no never at never siyang mangyayari. It is like survival, and preservation and comfort. But these comfort has consequences that is to kill my own self, my identity, as in me entirely.
Until I wake up and say, I am so done living with them, I will leave them and start a life for myself. Yet I still crave for their approval, na hindi na naman nila ibibigay kahit gaano pa ako ka bobo or ka sucess. I just need to accept the fact na hindi nila ako mamahalin once na nalaman nila na tibang ako. And it leaves bitter taste in my mouth, and I DONât want that! I love them kahit na ayaw nila sa akin pero ito din kinakatakot ko na sumama loob ko sa kanila at higantihan sila. Kilala ko sarili ko kapag sooobrang galit or bitter walang pamipamilya, walang kaibigan. Ito ang stage na gusto ko baguhin.
Kaya siguro I tried to lower my standards din sa pagaccept ng jowa, i want a easy route out. The script is to hate them at sumama sa jowa ko pero di ko rin kaya. And I told myself I am a coward. It is true yet not entirely. I just donât want any hate in my heart when I leave my parents. Yun lang, pero at the back of my mind I already hated them, even tho I care for them, so much. I have this loyalty to them that I feel like I am tied and canât escape them. Kasi hindi naman sila masamang masama. They are just human like me. They hurt they sin, they laugh. Idk what to do. I feel like i am stuck in a quicksand, the more I move the more they know and lose myself. Each passing day, i feel stuck, unable to express myself as who I am to them. This is what I really feel about them when I am around them. Like my wings are clipped.
